6 aborted text messages
1000 wtf moments
3 u-turns
1 frantically placed "please let me talk this out" call
8 minutes in front of the robed man
1 right hand in the air
1 gavel crack
9 years of uncertainty done
and while I'm elated in some ways, this feels like equal portions of victory and defeat.
the big message is: Tara, your worries really ARE a big deal, you ARE on the right track and this entire state agrees with what you're saying...an ENTIRE STATE. that's good enough for me.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Thank~full for...
♥ an early Thanksgiving with comfortable cuddly comedy and camaraderie...family to me only by the bond of love...and what a great way to be family.
♥ no cooking, no cleaning...me and my boy at the casino buffet where there were all the traditional foods plus crab legs...SCORE!
♥ a weekend of cuddling in my bed with my babygirl for a marathon of Vampire Diaries behind a closed door...and on the other side of that door, a house full of rambunctiousness.
♥ no cooking, no cleaning...me and my boy at the casino buffet where there were all the traditional foods plus crab legs...SCORE!
♥ a weekend of cuddling in my bed with my babygirl for a marathon of Vampire Diaries behind a closed door...and on the other side of that door, a house full of rambunctiousness.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
There ARE beauty~full things every day...
it just took me almost 4 months to remember to see them. That's approximately 120 days of beauty~less~ness.
I locked this personal, sacred space of mine down as a fear reaction. Four months ago I lost my way. I knew it. I didn't like it. But fixing it meant trying to negotiate my way along an unfamiliar, overgrown path on a moonless night. With snakes. The thing that I forgot is: I am not afraid of snakes. I'm not afraid of being alone. I'm not afraid of moonless nights. I forgot that I'm not afraid, period.
I'm brave. Today I remembered that. It took time and it took patient angels. The result is this. Today I open my heart and I invite you in. I open my personal, sacred space and ask only this: Stay, curl up with me and my words and lets weave something amazing together in this bit of space and time. Have positive intentions. If you feel so inclined, let me know you stopped by. Challenge me if you disagree. Gently move on if this space and your energy are not a match. Get to know me. Smile a secret smile if you already do. Trust me. Keep smiling if that already applies. Smile some more, just for the hell of it.
This is me being brave, and I thank you for reading. For being a patient angel. For smiling.
One beauty~full thing for each of the past four months:
♥ A moment so staggering that it necessitated the spinning of a cocoon...but a cocoon means that some other season sees a butterfly. Wings, baby. Wings.
♥ A move, a moving out and moving on....my baby girl off to college and on to the next stage of her amazing adventure.
♥ A long holiday weekend off work and surrounded by love...followed by a long holiday from worry in the most important area of my life...and all the positive changes that came along with that.
♥ A single cold and wet day perfect for breaking out the tall boots and a long scarf. An umbrella. The heater. Down comforters. One day was enough...for now.
I locked this personal, sacred space of mine down as a fear reaction. Four months ago I lost my way. I knew it. I didn't like it. But fixing it meant trying to negotiate my way along an unfamiliar, overgrown path on a moonless night. With snakes. The thing that I forgot is: I am not afraid of snakes. I'm not afraid of being alone. I'm not afraid of moonless nights. I forgot that I'm not afraid, period.
I'm brave. Today I remembered that. It took time and it took patient angels. The result is this. Today I open my heart and I invite you in. I open my personal, sacred space and ask only this: Stay, curl up with me and my words and lets weave something amazing together in this bit of space and time. Have positive intentions. If you feel so inclined, let me know you stopped by. Challenge me if you disagree. Gently move on if this space and your energy are not a match. Get to know me. Smile a secret smile if you already do. Trust me. Keep smiling if that already applies. Smile some more, just for the hell of it.
This is me being brave, and I thank you for reading. For being a patient angel. For smiling.
One beauty~full thing for each of the past four months:
♥ A moment so staggering that it necessitated the spinning of a cocoon...but a cocoon means that some other season sees a butterfly. Wings, baby. Wings.
♥ A move, a moving out and moving on....my baby girl off to college and on to the next stage of her amazing adventure.
♥ A long holiday weekend off work and surrounded by love...followed by a long holiday from worry in the most important area of my life...and all the positive changes that came along with that.
♥ A single cold and wet day perfect for breaking out the tall boots and a long scarf. An umbrella. The heater. Down comforters. One day was enough...for now.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Three Beauty~Full Freedoms
♥a home...with the freedom to be here or be away from here for as much or as little as I want but still have special space that is all mine.
♥a profession...with the freedom to maintain it or change it or even leave it completely to do something entirely different but no matter what, do what brings me joy.
♥a tribe of lovelies...with the freedom to be me, magnificent or messy as I might be at any given moment and still be loved.
♥a profession...with the freedom to maintain it or change it or even leave it completely to do something entirely different but no matter what, do what brings me joy.
♥a tribe of lovelies...with the freedom to be me, magnificent or messy as I might be at any given moment and still be loved.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Difficulties are not obstacles on the spiritual path, they ARE the spiritual path! ~Ezra Bayda
I'm strong. I'm capable. I can roll with the punches. I can hold my own and I am not afraid of necessary confrontation or even conflict. If it's in the name of justice, I can dig my teeth in and surprise even me sometimes.
What I have no defense against is a pitch in the dirt. I don't even know where to start or why to even start. I function on the belief that all anyone has to do is maintain their integrity and in the long run truth always prevails.
In my world the true superheroes are the people who lead by example. Regular, normal, everyday people who maintain who they are despite the actions of others or any environment they find themselves in.
I'm trying...but the plain truth is that in the absence of defense against a pitch in the dirt, the masses will listen to anyone who steps up to the podium.
I think I need to swing...and step up.
I'm strong. I'm capable. I can roll with the punches. I can hold my own and I am not afraid of necessary confrontation or even conflict. If it's in the name of justice, I can dig my teeth in and surprise even me sometimes.
What I have no defense against is a pitch in the dirt. I don't even know where to start or why to even start. I function on the belief that all anyone has to do is maintain their integrity and in the long run truth always prevails.
In my world the true superheroes are the people who lead by example. Regular, normal, everyday people who maintain who they are despite the actions of others or any environment they find themselves in.
I'm trying...but the plain truth is that in the absence of defense against a pitch in the dirt, the masses will listen to anyone who steps up to the podium.
I think I need to swing...and step up.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Sowing the seeds of love...
It's so quiet in here. This space where I can come and express myself any way that I see fit is so very precious to me and for a couple of weeks now I have sat here with fingers poised above the keys for silent and still moments upon moments before giving up and signing out...silent still.
Tonight I decided to talk about being silent if I couldn't come up with anything else to say. So there goes.
But I do have something to say. Something pretty big. Something radical and brazen.
I like myself. Yeah, I said it. I actually LOVE me.
Part of my silence coincided with one of my lovelies putting in plain terms her concerns about my character. I gave myself permission to sit with her words for some time to turn them over, check them out, try them on and then decide what to do with them. All of that is done and with a sigh, smile and shout from the bottom of my soul, I'd like to say that I LIKE ME!
Oh, I'm so very far from perfect and so very flawed and floundering. I have not figured out all the quirks and twists and turns of this life and how relationships of any/all kinds become successes. I haven't discovered the secret of how to behave with positive intention 100% of the time. I'm lucky if I hit 50% with consistency but on occasion I've hit 75%. I have given myself permission to be mistaken, to be flat out wrong and to fall flat on my face if the lesson at hand calls for it. I have hurt people and I have hurt myself and I surely hurt myself when I hurt other people. I do, however, strive to always do my best.
What I'm not is intentionally careless with other people's hearts. I'm not purposefully reckless and I'm not malicious. I don't hold grudges and I don't treat people how they have earned being treated, I treat people with heartfelt spontaneous love and care. I don't read into other people's behavior looking for ulterior motives or some far off future issue that might arise. I don't assume that behavior that is "outside the box" is wrong...I allow that it might be right for the situation at hand and only the behaviorer knows for sure if they are doing the best they can at the moment.
I smile at people a lot, even when they are displeased with me. I smile because I care. I smile because they care. I smile because even a rough time is time together with opportunity to learn and grow. I smile because even when people change or go away or even stick around but the relationship ends, those moments of connection still existed and I know the level of pure heart love I poured into those moments as often as I possibly could...and I ask no more of myself than that.
I had a birthday during my silence here. It was amazing, full of new friends and old friends, soul friends and family disguised as friends. There was travel and adventure and awakening and accomplishment. There was dungeon sushi and Louisiana style crawfish boil. There were hikes and streetcars and outdoor markets and even a pride festival. There was a sauna with vodka. There was a brewery sampler and a burger that I'm still dreaming about. But each and every one of those things was made enormously more special because of the love that was woven through and around each one.
Love conquers all...even my own self-doubt. That's what I really wanted to say tonight...that I love me and I hope if you're here in my blog...here in my life, you've found a way to love me too...imperfections and all. In return for your love, I promise with all of my heart that I will continue to strive to always do my best...for me, for you, by me and by you.
Over & out.
Tonight I decided to talk about being silent if I couldn't come up with anything else to say. So there goes.
But I do have something to say. Something pretty big. Something radical and brazen.
I like myself. Yeah, I said it. I actually LOVE me.
Part of my silence coincided with one of my lovelies putting in plain terms her concerns about my character. I gave myself permission to sit with her words for some time to turn them over, check them out, try them on and then decide what to do with them. All of that is done and with a sigh, smile and shout from the bottom of my soul, I'd like to say that I LIKE ME!
Oh, I'm so very far from perfect and so very flawed and floundering. I have not figured out all the quirks and twists and turns of this life and how relationships of any/all kinds become successes. I haven't discovered the secret of how to behave with positive intention 100% of the time. I'm lucky if I hit 50% with consistency but on occasion I've hit 75%. I have given myself permission to be mistaken, to be flat out wrong and to fall flat on my face if the lesson at hand calls for it. I have hurt people and I have hurt myself and I surely hurt myself when I hurt other people. I do, however, strive to always do my best.
What I'm not is intentionally careless with other people's hearts. I'm not purposefully reckless and I'm not malicious. I don't hold grudges and I don't treat people how they have earned being treated, I treat people with heartfelt spontaneous love and care. I don't read into other people's behavior looking for ulterior motives or some far off future issue that might arise. I don't assume that behavior that is "outside the box" is wrong...I allow that it might be right for the situation at hand and only the behaviorer knows for sure if they are doing the best they can at the moment.
I smile at people a lot, even when they are displeased with me. I smile because I care. I smile because they care. I smile because even a rough time is time together with opportunity to learn and grow. I smile because even when people change or go away or even stick around but the relationship ends, those moments of connection still existed and I know the level of pure heart love I poured into those moments as often as I possibly could...and I ask no more of myself than that.
I had a birthday during my silence here. It was amazing, full of new friends and old friends, soul friends and family disguised as friends. There was travel and adventure and awakening and accomplishment. There was dungeon sushi and Louisiana style crawfish boil. There were hikes and streetcars and outdoor markets and even a pride festival. There was a sauna with vodka. There was a brewery sampler and a burger that I'm still dreaming about. But each and every one of those things was made enormously more special because of the love that was woven through and around each one.
Love conquers all...even my own self-doubt. That's what I really wanted to say tonight...that I love me and I hope if you're here in my blog...here in my life, you've found a way to love me too...imperfections and all. In return for your love, I promise with all of my heart that I will continue to strive to always do my best...for me, for you, by me and by you.
Over & out.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Thirtieth Day of Beauty...
I'm a day late...but things have been busy around these parts!
♥wild turkeys on the side of the road...by a bus stop.
♥a day with my boy...all day and so many smiles.
♥doing only what I wanted for an entire day...not a single "must"
or "need" just all want, want, want!
...and I did it. A full thirty days of beauty...culminating on the day I pass from my 30's into my 40's. The sun set tonight on my first year in my 40's...and there are hints that this is when things get really really interesting!
♥wild turkeys on the side of the road...by a bus stop.
♥a day with my boy...all day and so many smiles.
♥doing only what I wanted for an entire day...not a single "must"
or "need" just all want, want, want!
...and I did it. A full thirty days of beauty...culminating on the day I pass from my 30's into my 40's. The sun set tonight on my first year in my 40's...and there are hints that this is when things get really really interesting!
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Day Twenty Nine of Beauty
♥Two work days rolled into one making the time fly by...it's always lovely when the day ends and the thought is "it's time to go home ALREADY???"
♥Quiet lunch...good simple food and good simple silence.
♥Momma's bday...pizza, presents and PRESENCE!!!
♥Quiet lunch...good simple food and good simple silence.
♥Momma's bday...pizza, presents and PRESENCE!!!
Monday, June 13, 2011
Day Twenty Eight of Beauty
♥A day off with no direction...being present with my Gemini momma and my Gemini babygirl and the day unfolding magnificently!
♥A birthday tree and a new set of pointy sharp watercolor pencils and a climbing vine that will have beauty~full purple flowers...and a surprise finding of some kind of melon vines growing crazy in the compost bin.
♥Tired. Sore muscles. Constant reminders of an amazing weekend full of action and a productive day today...both of which make me smile ear to ear.
♥A birthday tree and a new set of pointy sharp watercolor pencils and a climbing vine that will have beauty~full purple flowers...and a surprise finding of some kind of melon vines growing crazy in the compost bin.
♥Tired. Sore muscles. Constant reminders of an amazing weekend full of action and a productive day today...both of which make me smile ear to ear.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Days Twenty Six & Seven of Beauty...and magic!
♥Discovering North Beach...the absolute quaintest little lodging...bare minimum but done so very well...touches of lovely here there and everywhere.
♥A walkable city...Wharf to Union Square with Little Italy and Chinatown on the way.
♥Sushi...in a confused atmosphere but deliciousness deliciousness and more deliciousness.
♥Birthday item #39...all because my Sunshine made it so!
♥Getting lost looking for Mexican food leading us to a handsome stranger.
♥Golden Gate Park via Haight Ashbury...the sheer expansiveness of all that wonder~full~ness...so much left to see and explore and discover!
♥A walkable city...Wharf to Union Square with Little Italy and Chinatown on the way.
♥Sushi...in a confused atmosphere but deliciousness deliciousness and more deliciousness.
♥Birthday item #39...all because my Sunshine made it so!
♥Getting lost looking for Mexican food leading us to a handsome stranger.
♥Golden Gate Park via Haight Ashbury...the sheer expansiveness of all that wonder~full~ness...so much left to see and explore and discover!
Friday, June 10, 2011
Day Twenty Five of Beauty...beauty~full things said to me
♥hearing it, believing it, living it: "the only person you have to be better than is the you that you are today."
♥practicing it: "don't be harder on yourself than you would be on your loveliest lovely."
♥embracing it: "you're human, oh holy fuck...imperfections and all!"
♥practicing it: "don't be harder on yourself than you would be on your loveliest lovely."
♥embracing it: "you're human, oh holy fuck...imperfections and all!"
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Day Twenty Three and Twenty Four of Beauty...
♥chocolate mate tea with chocolate stevia...mmmm...yummy!
♥trips to swimming holes beginning FINALLY!
♥an impromptu picnic lunch with great conversation and strong female energy of support and accountability.
♥my boy...with his profound "what if" questioning and the afterthoughts that persisted for hours.
♥hitting the invisible wall of my limits...knowing how to push past and knowing how to stop short when either or both are necessary.
♥"The only person you have to be better than is the you that you are right now." My wise earthy lovely who is connected and confident and has a heartbeat of compassion and humility while handing out doses of real live love.
♥trips to swimming holes beginning FINALLY!
♥an impromptu picnic lunch with great conversation and strong female energy of support and accountability.
♥my boy...with his profound "what if" questioning and the afterthoughts that persisted for hours.
♥hitting the invisible wall of my limits...knowing how to push past and knowing how to stop short when either or both are necessary.
♥"The only person you have to be better than is the you that you are right now." My wise earthy lovely who is connected and confident and has a heartbeat of compassion and humility while handing out doses of real live love.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Day Twenty Two of Beauty...Living & loving out loud & wide open
♥finalizing travel with this lovely and that lovely, lovely places with a lovely waiting at one of them and back to back lovely adventures...so much amazing lovely~ness!
♥Egyptian licorice tea, sharing a secret, a sunshiney day, a hotel clerk in Little Italy with an Italian accent and texts that mean nothing and everything all at once between friends and family and framily.
♥hope. here. there. everywhere. Blossoming, blooming hope Hope HOPE!
♥Egyptian licorice tea, sharing a secret, a sunshiney day, a hotel clerk in Little Italy with an Italian accent and texts that mean nothing and everything all at once between friends and family and framily.
♥hope. here. there. everywhere. Blossoming, blooming hope Hope HOPE!
Monday, June 6, 2011
Day Twenty One of Beauty...it's everywhere, really.
♥red satin ballet flats...there is something so sassy about those shoes...they put a swagger and a sass in my step.
♥looking for escape, having it elude me...facing the fear and finding that it was a silly little thing to be so worked up about after all.
♥a connection to my babygirl that is fun and whimsical and deeply meaningful at the same time...is her style and mine and ties us together at a time when we are entering a brand new stage of our relationship. my wish came true.
♥looking for escape, having it elude me...facing the fear and finding that it was a silly little thing to be so worked up about after all.
♥a connection to my babygirl that is fun and whimsical and deeply meaningful at the same time...is her style and mine and ties us together at a time when we are entering a brand new stage of our relationship. my wish came true.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Day Twenty of Beauty...lovely Lovely LOVELY!
♥morning with my momma...conversation and coffee, stand up comics and tales of aliens.
♥lazing with my lovely...paralleling again...support and love in abundance.
♥X-men with my goddess...supernatural and supernatural and SUPER.
♥lazing with my lovely...paralleling again...support and love in abundance.
♥X-men with my goddess...supernatural and supernatural and SUPER.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Days 18 & 19 of Beauty...Eighteen.
♥one sunflower and eighteen yellow roses for my sunshine as she crosses into adulthood.
♥the old crew, reunited for this one night for this one special day for this one special girl...and marriage proposal for me as well.
♥BBQ, backyard games, too tall burgers and too many kids in my house...sigh...just how I like it.
♥loosening up...facing the fear and the frantic parenting instincts and just letting go...and it being quite allright.
♥the sheer number of times I've heard "no way you have an 18 year old!" Is this when I start introducing her as my sister?
♥choosing love. choosing loving. choosing correctly.
♥the old crew, reunited for this one night for this one special day for this one special girl...and marriage proposal for me as well.
♥BBQ, backyard games, too tall burgers and too many kids in my house...sigh...just how I like it.
♥loosening up...facing the fear and the frantic parenting instincts and just letting go...and it being quite allright.
♥the sheer number of times I've heard "no way you have an 18 year old!" Is this when I start introducing her as my sister?
♥choosing love. choosing loving. choosing correctly.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Day Seventeen of Beauty...girls, girls, girls!
♥An impromptu shopping trip with babygirl for a graduation dress...finding the perfect one...and me finding four great bras in my new size on clearance...and they are sexxxxxxxy!
♥A text "where are you" by a person who could only be asking because her Washington residing ass was somewhere in the vicinity...WOOT! Dinner and wine type conversation with my lovely and her infamous parents in the even more infamous casa. Good times...spontaneous adventures and great conversation.
♥That small moment when the smallness that lives inside...buried under propriety and maturity is allowed to rear it's ugly small head. I may not be the princess, this might not be a fairy tale, I might not be the one you sweep off her feet and lead her up the stairwell...but isn't that bitch's tiara quite crooked now?!? Shut up, it was beauty~full before I realized how ugly it actually is. Propriety and maturity are back but I will not forget the scandalous spot of "nyeh, nyeh" and how it made me smile wickedly for a brief moment in time.
♥A text "where are you" by a person who could only be asking because her Washington residing ass was somewhere in the vicinity...WOOT! Dinner and wine type conversation with my lovely and her infamous parents in the even more infamous casa. Good times...spontaneous adventures and great conversation.
♥That small moment when the smallness that lives inside...buried under propriety and maturity is allowed to rear it's ugly small head. I may not be the princess, this might not be a fairy tale, I might not be the one you sweep off her feet and lead her up the stairwell...but isn't that bitch's tiara quite crooked now?!? Shut up, it was beauty~full before I realized how ugly it actually is. Propriety and maturity are back but I will not forget the scandalous spot of "nyeh, nyeh" and how it made me smile wickedly for a brief moment in time.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Day Sixteen of Beauty...Thirty by forty!
♥BIG goal met. Stepped on the scale, moved the weights...tap...tap...wha? Tap some more? TAP SOME MORE! Finally, time and diligence and...oh, yes! That last tap. ~sigh~
♥the side effects of the big landmark...better sleep, less snoring, less back pain, more energy, better mood, improved confidence, the list goes on and on...
♥setting new goals...incorporating time with lovelies and travel and even romance.
♥the side effects of the big landmark...better sleep, less snoring, less back pain, more energy, better mood, improved confidence, the list goes on and on...
♥setting new goals...incorporating time with lovelies and travel and even romance.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Day Fifteen of Beauty...fixing, foofing and fabricating!
♥sitting, feeling small and significant all at once...surrounded by truth and consequence and formality and justice.
♥grrrreat hair day...proof of it at Home Depot...which may be the new litmus test from now on.
♥making a backyard washer game from scratch...how having all the right tools for the job made me smile from ear to ear...and how the finished product is AMAZING.
♥grrrreat hair day...proof of it at Home Depot...which may be the new litmus test from now on.
♥making a backyard washer game from scratch...how having all the right tools for the job made me smile from ear to ear...and how the finished product is AMAZING.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Days 12, 13 & 14...playing Beauty~full catch-up.
♥The drive...cruise music taking me there and getting me in that vacation kinda mindset...
♥The coma bed...sleeping until after 12pm.
♥The set-up, Camp Convenience.
♥The sudden torrential rain..."what's that sound?" "Oh, SHIT!"
♥The rolling with it...another night in the coma bed...oh, drats.
♥The adjusting...puddle removal and drying out.
♥The curious animals...they make that saying about cats for a reason!
♥The calm, quiet camaradarie. Lovely.
♥The drive...quiet, contemplative and ready to see my babies.
♥The coma bed...sleeping until after 12pm.
♥The set-up, Camp Convenience.
♥The sudden torrential rain..."what's that sound?" "Oh, SHIT!"
♥The rolling with it...another night in the coma bed...oh, drats.
♥The adjusting...puddle removal and drying out.
♥The curious animals...they make that saying about cats for a reason!
♥The calm, quiet camaradarie. Lovely.
♥The drive...quiet, contemplative and ready to see my babies.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Day Eleven...Beauty~full hiatus all up in here.
♥Friday, payday...great work day full of smiles and happiness and giddy work love.
♥hitting a landmark. A little itty bity landmark that has seemed so so so far off in the distance and so unattainable. It's here...right here and I can't stop smiling!
♥giving myself permission to temporarily walk away from my committment for 30 days of 3 beauty~full things so that I can escape...much needed escape!
♥hitting a landmark. A little itty bity landmark that has seemed so so so far off in the distance and so unattainable. It's here...right here and I can't stop smiling!
♥giving myself permission to temporarily walk away from my committment for 30 days of 3 beauty~full things so that I can escape...much needed escape!
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Day Ten of Beauty...Almost Friday!
♥a random email from a kindred...with a hug and a heaping dose of complete understanding.
♥free time. hmmm...it's been quite a while!
♥chopped strawberries, diced jalepeno, cilantro, salt, pepper and lime juice over tilapia. mmm...
♥free time. hmmm...it's been quite a while!
♥chopped strawberries, diced jalepeno, cilantro, salt, pepper and lime juice over tilapia. mmm...
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Day Nine of Beauty...Beauty in the works
♥working with White Oprah.
♥two miraculous surprise "yes" answers for patients who really needed and deserved them. I'm still kinda going "really?" in my head but my heart is going "Woo Hoo!!!"
♥camradarie...we're a work family. Not always smooth, not always nice, not always perfect but in it together and forgiving and fun.
♥two miraculous surprise "yes" answers for patients who really needed and deserved them. I'm still kinda going "really?" in my head but my heart is going "Woo Hoo!!!"
♥camradarie...we're a work family. Not always smooth, not always nice, not always perfect but in it together and forgiving and fun.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Day Eight of Beauty...It is what it is, but it becomes what you make it
♥speaking a simple truth and expecting a possibly deserved criticism and instead being served a heaping platter of curiosity, exploration and acceptance.
♥learning a truth about someone who "should" behave like a better friend but then realizing how hypocritical that actually is as I have been way less than a stellar friend myself...then how humbling and peaceful it felt to simply accept the limitations and impossibility of the "friendship." Then realizing that it isn't even ugly...it just is what it is and that is perfectly okay.
♥watching my babygirl get an award that gave me goosebumps from head to toe. She's an amazing athlete and should get awards every day of her life for that...but this one, this award tonight was about her heart, soul and integrity. I couldn't possibly be more proud of this little lady.
♥learning a truth about someone who "should" behave like a better friend but then realizing how hypocritical that actually is as I have been way less than a stellar friend myself...then how humbling and peaceful it felt to simply accept the limitations and impossibility of the "friendship." Then realizing that it isn't even ugly...it just is what it is and that is perfectly okay.
♥watching my babygirl get an award that gave me goosebumps from head to toe. She's an amazing athlete and should get awards every day of her life for that...but this one, this award tonight was about her heart, soul and integrity. I couldn't possibly be more proud of this little lady.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Day Seven...Beauty~full Bird Day
♥A silvery snake slithering soooo quickly as it was chased by three red-winged black birds.
♥Mutt and Jeff flying high...a big bird with a little one doing ring-around-the-rosy with it mid flight.
♥An owl perfectly framed in my windshield mere feet away as I drove home tonight.
♥Mutt and Jeff flying high...a big bird with a little one doing ring-around-the-rosy with it mid flight.
♥An owl perfectly framed in my windshield mere feet away as I drove home tonight.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Day Six of Beauty...Morning, Noon and Night.
♥Coffee with momma after her lengthy vacation...inviting Justin Timberlake to join us.
♥A random smile linking us...two strangers sharing a split second.
♥A lightning show on the drive home from one of the loveliest evenings I've had in a loooong time. Girl talk, movie, tea & togetherness.
♥A random smile linking us...two strangers sharing a split second.
♥A lightning show on the drive home from one of the loveliest evenings I've had in a loooong time. Girl talk, movie, tea & togetherness.
Day Five of Beauty...Senses and Sense.
♥Herbal tea...how healing it feels in my belly.
♥Silk dress...how sensual it feels on my skin.
♥Sisterhood...how it gives roots and wings simultaneously.
♥Silk dress...how sensual it feels on my skin.
♥Sisterhood...how it gives roots and wings simultaneously.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Day Four of Beauty...bounty~full beauty!
♥Early morning challenges...waking up late, no hot water, bank account frozen by the IRS...but still having an amazing day full of smiles and moments and connections and sunshine and accomplishment.
♥$20.84 in recycling. SCORE!
♥Tucked away in conversation with a lovely and both of us realizing that we have come to the same conclusion simultaneously. Love it...and love how if you patiently wait out the storms in life without being uprooted, after the winds die down, it is the tenacious true lovelies that remain...whooping it up about the adventure. It's not about being perfect or proper...it's about being present and real.
♥$20.84 in recycling. SCORE!
♥Tucked away in conversation with a lovely and both of us realizing that we have come to the same conclusion simultaneously. Love it...and love how if you patiently wait out the storms in life without being uprooted, after the winds die down, it is the tenacious true lovelies that remain...whooping it up about the adventure. It's not about being perfect or proper...it's about being present and real.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Day Three of Beauty...so So SO much beauty!
♥A breakfast meeting of delicious bakery food, great information and a contagious enthusiasm emanating from a lovely soul...reminding me that enthusiasm is how it's done...and done right.
♥Collective female energy...laughter and silliness and teasing and a clandestine meeting in the tub room for venting and more laughter and even a few tears. Sisterhood and heart strings.
♥Finding THE PERFECT gift...ordering it and now the waiting begins...but then it will arrive and the waiting to give it will begin...anticipation...
♥Collective female energy...laughter and silliness and teasing and a clandestine meeting in the tub room for venting and more laughter and even a few tears. Sisterhood and heart strings.
♥Finding THE PERFECT gift...ordering it and now the waiting begins...but then it will arrive and the waiting to give it will begin...anticipation...
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Day Two of Beauty...Past, Present, Future...
♥Count Chocula cereal...omg, it's childhood in a bowl.
♥Covert "drug deals" and text message madness.
♥looking over a calendar and realizing how many amazing events, opportunities, landmarks, trips, celebrations and time with lovelies are coming up so quickly, so abundantly and in such rapid mind~blowing succession. So much life to be lived and appreciated and wrapped up in.
♥Covert "drug deals" and text message madness.
♥looking over a calendar and realizing how many amazing events, opportunities, landmarks, trips, celebrations and time with lovelies are coming up so quickly, so abundantly and in such rapid mind~blowing succession. So much life to be lived and appreciated and wrapped up in.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Rescue, Realize & Rockin
♥car trouble resulting in helpful strangers, quiet time alone, seeing the world's best mechanic again, being rescued by my kids...one at a time...and making things nice for my momma.
♥making a big decision, on the heels of a recent big decision...both of which define who I am and more importantly where I'm heading. The compass is pointing my way now and I'd like to welcome my pride and integrity back. I missed you guys.
♥songs that rock my friggin socks...from Avril Lavigne to Adele and especially songs recently heard on deck. SafetySuit where have you been all my life?
♥making a big decision, on the heels of a recent big decision...both of which define who I am and more importantly where I'm heading. The compass is pointing my way now and I'd like to welcome my pride and integrity back. I missed you guys.
♥songs that rock my friggin socks...from Avril Lavigne to Adele and especially songs recently heard on deck. SafetySuit where have you been all my life?
Sunday, May 15, 2011
No Doubt.
♥going to bed as the sun was coming up and sleeping til noon...don't even recall the last time in my life I did that!
♥nothing but time...all of it being my own to spend or squander as I saw fit. Momentarily missing something that coulda woulda shoulda happened but didn't cause it really honestly shouldnta. So when the momentarily missing passed, the clouds parted and the sun shone and the angels sang...or something very very similar. I spent and I squandered and this weekend was amazing.
♥stormy weather...hail and clouds and rainbows and thunder and lightning and rain, rain, rain. I adore a good storm and this one was a GREAT one. Snuggled down and enjoyed it with Friends.
♥nothing but time...all of it being my own to spend or squander as I saw fit. Momentarily missing something that coulda woulda shoulda happened but didn't cause it really honestly shouldnta. So when the momentarily missing passed, the clouds parted and the sun shone and the angels sang...or something very very similar. I spent and I squandered and this weekend was amazing.
♥stormy weather...hail and clouds and rainbows and thunder and lightning and rain, rain, rain. I adore a good storm and this one was a GREAT one. Snuggled down and enjoyed it with Friends.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Whoa~What The Hell
♥A good work day that ended early...jump starting the weekend state of mind.
♥The nice kind of quiet...where you know everyone who's not there is exactly where they need to be at that moment.
♥My babygirl is almost 18. She is morphing into her own boss and is confident relying on her own conscience. This requires me to morph into not being as necessary as before. Today I heard a song by a totally uncool female singer but the lyrics made me think of my babygirl and smile. I played it for her and I couldn't gauge her reaction or opinion. That was hours ago. As I sit here now, she's in the middle of her pre-Friday night beautification process and I'm hearing that totally uncool female singer belting out those familiar lyrics...and my babygirl singing along. Sometimes I do some things right...sometimes the connection just happens, just works, just IS. Such a small thing but I'm smiling ear to ear.
♥The nice kind of quiet...where you know everyone who's not there is exactly where they need to be at that moment.
♥My babygirl is almost 18. She is morphing into her own boss and is confident relying on her own conscience. This requires me to morph into not being as necessary as before. Today I heard a song by a totally uncool female singer but the lyrics made me think of my babygirl and smile. I played it for her and I couldn't gauge her reaction or opinion. That was hours ago. As I sit here now, she's in the middle of her pre-Friday night beautification process and I'm hearing that totally uncool female singer belting out those familiar lyrics...and my babygirl singing along. Sometimes I do some things right...sometimes the connection just happens, just works, just IS. Such a small thing but I'm smiling ear to ear.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
This is my life...and it's a good one.
♥Waking up on time, taking my time and planning an entire outfit around my new necklace. Simple and smile provoking.
♥My boy, all legal to drive independently now. My baby boy. Very excited and...no lie...a little nervous.
♥A quiet house, napping and watering the garden and pb&j for dinner...interrupted occasionally by bursts of teenaged energy, stories and laughter.
I've been quiet in this space for a while. There have been court dates and travel, concerts and kisses, meeting new friends and cutting loose of toxic ones, tears and fears and laughter and forgiveness and accusations and understanding, days spent in bed without regret or apology and days upon days of putting one foot in front of the other without intention of anything other than getting one foot further along the path. It's been too much. Too much to write about...sometimes too much to bear. Certainly too much to try to put into words...but the loveliest bit is that apart from and underneath it all, the beauty remains and is once again resurfacing, three little things at a time. It's dependable like that, beauty. ~sigh~
♥My boy, all legal to drive independently now. My baby boy. Very excited and...no lie...a little nervous.
♥A quiet house, napping and watering the garden and pb&j for dinner...interrupted occasionally by bursts of teenaged energy, stories and laughter.
I've been quiet in this space for a while. There have been court dates and travel, concerts and kisses, meeting new friends and cutting loose of toxic ones, tears and fears and laughter and forgiveness and accusations and understanding, days spent in bed without regret or apology and days upon days of putting one foot in front of the other without intention of anything other than getting one foot further along the path. It's been too much. Too much to write about...sometimes too much to bear. Certainly too much to try to put into words...but the loveliest bit is that apart from and underneath it all, the beauty remains and is once again resurfacing, three little things at a time. It's dependable like that, beauty. ~sigh~
Thursday, April 14, 2011
One Mississippi, Two Mississippi, Three Mississippi...
There have been tears and confusion and shouts and angry red moments at home, in the car, at work, in the kitchen, in the parking lot and in front of a judge. Finding beauty has been elusive...but it's there...
♥A phone call from the one person who instinctively knows EXACTLY what to say to make the fears simply dissipate. "It's in the day to day stuff that you're not thinking about that will make her miss and appreciate you." Sigh. "She's angry now but that will settle. You're afraid now and that will settle too." Sigh.
♥My momma who is willing to do scandalous clandestine ops when needed, no questions asked.
♥When male peacocks run across the road at dusk, they look like sea serpents crossing a black river. If the dusk sky is lavender, it looks like sea serpents in a fairy tale if fairy tales had sea serpents.
♥A phone call from the one person who instinctively knows EXACTLY what to say to make the fears simply dissipate. "It's in the day to day stuff that you're not thinking about that will make her miss and appreciate you." Sigh. "She's angry now but that will settle. You're afraid now and that will settle too." Sigh.
♥My momma who is willing to do scandalous clandestine ops when needed, no questions asked.
♥When male peacocks run across the road at dusk, they look like sea serpents crossing a black river. If the dusk sky is lavender, it looks like sea serpents in a fairy tale if fairy tales had sea serpents.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Note to Self
Deep breathe. In to the count of five, out to the count of ten.
Cry. Hard. Long. Sob and wail. Let it out.
Sleep.
Drink many steaming hot mugs of Chamomile tea...maybe with some fresh mint if possible.
Exercise. Sweat and move.
Wait.
Let the edges soften and fade out of focus.
Trust.
Once the anxiety passes, there will be space. Clear space where all of the answers seem like they were just waiting behind a hazy curtain for you to discover that they where there all along.
When the answers are clear, follow your instincts. Dismiss the fear of being unpopular or ineffective, too early or too late, imperfect or hypocritical.
Dismiss fear.
Let your instincts lead.
And remember...
Don't fight the fights that you can win, fight the fights that NEED FIGHTING.
Now, Tara...go get 'em, girl...and don't stop for anything other than balance, respect and fundamental goodness. It's out there. Really. Trust.
Cry. Hard. Long. Sob and wail. Let it out.
Sleep.
Drink many steaming hot mugs of Chamomile tea...maybe with some fresh mint if possible.
Exercise. Sweat and move.
Wait.
Let the edges soften and fade out of focus.
Trust.
Once the anxiety passes, there will be space. Clear space where all of the answers seem like they were just waiting behind a hazy curtain for you to discover that they where there all along.
When the answers are clear, follow your instincts. Dismiss the fear of being unpopular or ineffective, too early or too late, imperfect or hypocritical.
Dismiss fear.
Let your instincts lead.
And remember...
Don't fight the fights that you can win, fight the fights that NEED FIGHTING.
Now, Tara...go get 'em, girl...and don't stop for anything other than balance, respect and fundamental goodness. It's out there. Really. Trust.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Do one thing every day that thrills you...
Lately, I have...
♥ adopted a surprise new "puppy"...hmmm...all 85 lbs of "puppy" :)
♥ learned a tough truth and lived thru it.
♥ owned my own shit...and my power too.
♥ celebrated 74 years of a love's life...and gotten a double bird behind the back for my efforts. Goodheartedly.
♥ made up some stories.
♥ shopped at the mall...and I hate Hate HATE to shop...but I loved this trip.
♥ gotten a BIG ole bonus for makin things happen.
♥ dug out some new flower beds and weeded the others...getting ready!
♥ gone topless...in the car. ;)
♥ bought wrinkle cream...why not?
♥ almost got caught with my hand in the cookie jar...and questioned my need for cookies.
♥ learned new eye makeup tricks...from Cher.
♥ copied my lovely's cajun lasagna...and rocked it!
♥ took a shower with the hairiest beast ever.
♥ made a new drink: 1 shot each of creme de menthe, godiva liqueur & vanilla vodka, shaken and served in a chocolate swirled martini glass. yummmmm...
♥ bought all 10 seasons of Friends. Yes, I buy my friends.
♥ ate fish & chips...with malt vinegar.
♥ fell in love with a wee little house that has a pair of palm trees and sits on the river bank. sigh.
♥ developed a girl crush on Megg.
♥ started boy child on the right path.
♥ drank an entire bottle of Gewurztraminer, a glass at a time with my mermaid soul sister...laughing and shrieking and telling secrets and truths.
♥ accepted certain inalienable truths...and life got wayyy easier.
♥ thought about you and smiled. Yes, David...you. ;)
♥ got enough sleep, ate well and took time to do nothing at all.
♥ adopted a surprise new "puppy"...hmmm...all 85 lbs of "puppy" :)
♥ learned a tough truth and lived thru it.
♥ owned my own shit...and my power too.
♥ celebrated 74 years of a love's life...and gotten a double bird behind the back for my efforts. Goodheartedly.
♥ made up some stories.
♥ shopped at the mall...and I hate Hate HATE to shop...but I loved this trip.
♥ gotten a BIG ole bonus for makin things happen.
♥ dug out some new flower beds and weeded the others...getting ready!
♥ gone topless...in the car. ;)
♥ bought wrinkle cream...why not?
♥ almost got caught with my hand in the cookie jar...and questioned my need for cookies.
♥ learned new eye makeup tricks...from Cher.
♥ copied my lovely's cajun lasagna...and rocked it!
♥ took a shower with the hairiest beast ever.
♥ made a new drink: 1 shot each of creme de menthe, godiva liqueur & vanilla vodka, shaken and served in a chocolate swirled martini glass. yummmmm...
♥ bought all 10 seasons of Friends. Yes, I buy my friends.
♥ ate fish & chips...with malt vinegar.
♥ fell in love with a wee little house that has a pair of palm trees and sits on the river bank. sigh.
♥ developed a girl crush on Megg.
♥ started boy child on the right path.
♥ drank an entire bottle of Gewurztraminer, a glass at a time with my mermaid soul sister...laughing and shrieking and telling secrets and truths.
♥ accepted certain inalienable truths...and life got wayyy easier.
♥ thought about you and smiled. Yes, David...you. ;)
♥ got enough sleep, ate well and took time to do nothing at all.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
I hate cake. Rainbows are an illusion. I am not crazy.
This is an excerpt from an email I wrote today. I think it adequately defines why I am still single. And the chorus says "Amen."
Me? Insecure? Sure. Observant? Yes. Analytical? Absolutely. But as for the insecure part...we all are to some degree. Even you are. You have reasons to be and so do I. Do I think you owe it to me to fix my insecurities? Nope. But I sure do think you owe it to me to be honest about who you are. I won't like you unless you do...and one thing I know for sure For Sure FOR SURE is that when my instincts are telling me something, I will wreck everything to honor them and not once in my entire life have they ever Ever EVER been wrong. The fucked up part is that by the time caution is thrown to the wind and someone is ready to show me who they really are, they have usually accused me of being insecure or crazy often enough that I stop giving a flying shit about knowing who they are. My instincts are not wrong. Ever.
and the line to date me starts on the left.
Me? Insecure? Sure. Observant? Yes. Analytical? Absolutely. But as for the insecure part...we all are to some degree. Even you are. You have reasons to be and so do I. Do I think you owe it to me to fix my insecurities? Nope. But I sure do think you owe it to me to be honest about who you are. I won't like you unless you do...and one thing I know for sure For Sure FOR SURE is that when my instincts are telling me something, I will wreck everything to honor them and not once in my entire life have they ever Ever EVER been wrong. The fucked up part is that by the time caution is thrown to the wind and someone is ready to show me who they really are, they have usually accused me of being insecure or crazy often enough that I stop giving a flying shit about knowing who they are. My instincts are not wrong. Ever.
and the line to date me starts on the left.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Sometimes wrong can be so right
♥That small part of me that was saying HOW DOES IT FEEL? And the bigger part of me that was saying HOW DOES IT FEEL, BITCH??? Then the little, enduring part of me that was saying YESSSSSSSS...
♥Plans with my girlz. This one with her feet on my lap, that one with her enticing river rights of passage and the other one who is all in for celebrating her daddy with me.
♥FDN. Jager and pinches and flirting and fun. Just enough of each...not too much or too little and the loving sureness that we all have between us...the respect of balance...each and every one of us.
♥Plans with my girlz. This one with her feet on my lap, that one with her enticing river rights of passage and the other one who is all in for celebrating her daddy with me.
♥FDN. Jager and pinches and flirting and fun. Just enough of each...not too much or too little and the loving sureness that we all have between us...the respect of balance...each and every one of us.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
11~24~2007
Reposting, recycling, remembering...
Sometimes I meet people and literally can't wait to quit their company and other times people come along and we just meld into each other's lives smoothly, seamlessly. It's near impossible to put it into words...I tried and came up with this...
It's as if there are people-shaped holes in my life. Some people slip right into the hole that is shaped exactly like them. It's effortless. It was waiting just for them. Others float around and maybe slip an arm or leg into the wrong hole and then one day settle into their right hole. Another might try and try and float away...only to return and realize that their hole was the next one that they would have tried the last time. Other times no matter how much time and effort you put into trying to find the hole or how many angles you try each one in, there comes a time to realize that there simply is no hole shaped like that person. It might be worth a try to make them their own hole but usually the reason they have no preexisting hole becomes apparent and it's okay for them to float away. There are even times when people leave their perfectly shaped holes in my life...but they leave them full of memories that endure.
Each person has extreme value, even the ones who go away.
But this is about the ones who don't. This is about the one who fit right into the hole whose outline confused me with that mass of curls. This is about the one that confused me with her teeny-ness. This is about the child-sized ones and the kids who recognize our soul-bond and skip into their holes. This is about the holes that filled this past couple of years as I pulled my walls down brick by brick so that people could wander in. This is about newness and togetherness and support and FAMILY in a way that doesn't require DNA.
This is about an 8 year-old knowing exactly what language to speak so that my heart would hear and a traveler willing risk traffic to share a cup of coffee. This is about a new unexpected connection at a precarious holiday celebration. This is a little about crying and a lot about who hears. This is about what happens when you decide that alone is okay but lonely is not. This is about who gravitates your direction when you make that decision. About who is there.
Welcome to your you-shaped hole in my life. Thank you for finding it. I love you.
In the time that has passed since writing this, that 8 year old has grown into a lovely young lady who just recently blew me away with her ability to continue to speak from her soul...even more eloquently now. There have been periods of drifting between an essential lovely in my life followed by a much needed reunion. A love has left and the him shaped hole appears to have been a mirage. You have arrived, and I fell in love with you in the first moment I met you. I'm so happy to see you settle in for forever.
There have been so many changes, constants and chaotic melees in the past 3ish years. I've installed floor lights between those people shaped holes...for dancing.
Kick off your shoes. Take my hand. Let's boogie.
Sometimes I meet people and literally can't wait to quit their company and other times people come along and we just meld into each other's lives smoothly, seamlessly. It's near impossible to put it into words...I tried and came up with this...
It's as if there are people-shaped holes in my life. Some people slip right into the hole that is shaped exactly like them. It's effortless. It was waiting just for them. Others float around and maybe slip an arm or leg into the wrong hole and then one day settle into their right hole. Another might try and try and float away...only to return and realize that their hole was the next one that they would have tried the last time. Other times no matter how much time and effort you put into trying to find the hole or how many angles you try each one in, there comes a time to realize that there simply is no hole shaped like that person. It might be worth a try to make them their own hole but usually the reason they have no preexisting hole becomes apparent and it's okay for them to float away. There are even times when people leave their perfectly shaped holes in my life...but they leave them full of memories that endure.
Each person has extreme value, even the ones who go away.
But this is about the ones who don't. This is about the one who fit right into the hole whose outline confused me with that mass of curls. This is about the one that confused me with her teeny-ness. This is about the child-sized ones and the kids who recognize our soul-bond and skip into their holes. This is about the holes that filled this past couple of years as I pulled my walls down brick by brick so that people could wander in. This is about newness and togetherness and support and FAMILY in a way that doesn't require DNA.
This is about an 8 year-old knowing exactly what language to speak so that my heart would hear and a traveler willing risk traffic to share a cup of coffee. This is about a new unexpected connection at a precarious holiday celebration. This is a little about crying and a lot about who hears. This is about what happens when you decide that alone is okay but lonely is not. This is about who gravitates your direction when you make that decision. About who is there.
Welcome to your you-shaped hole in my life. Thank you for finding it. I love you.
In the time that has passed since writing this, that 8 year old has grown into a lovely young lady who just recently blew me away with her ability to continue to speak from her soul...even more eloquently now. There have been periods of drifting between an essential lovely in my life followed by a much needed reunion. A love has left and the him shaped hole appears to have been a mirage. You have arrived, and I fell in love with you in the first moment I met you. I'm so happy to see you settle in for forever.
There have been so many changes, constants and chaotic melees in the past 3ish years. I've installed floor lights between those people shaped holes...for dancing.
Kick off your shoes. Take my hand. Let's boogie.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Passion, persistence and puppy!
♥Gusts and howls and pelting rain...flashes that hinted at the possibility of a loss of power...Mother Nature reminding us to be humble, to be still and quiet, to hibernate a little bit and turn inward and to each other in cozy fuzzy snuggledownness.
♥A young spunky soul in a worn body, sitting cross legged in the middle of a hospital bed completely unafraid to send her voice behind the curtain to a stranger who silently was begging for connection and reassurance...how she gave it without being asked and then whispered her fears and held my hand so very very tightly...and looked at me with fear, gratitude and bravery all at once.
♥Meeting a new member of our family...knowing in that first moment that life had taken a turn and things were about to get shaken up, turned upside down and that when it all settles, we'll all be better off than we were before...and we thought we were pretty awesome before so after has no choice but to be breathtaking!
♥A young spunky soul in a worn body, sitting cross legged in the middle of a hospital bed completely unafraid to send her voice behind the curtain to a stranger who silently was begging for connection and reassurance...how she gave it without being asked and then whispered her fears and held my hand so very very tightly...and looked at me with fear, gratitude and bravery all at once.
♥Meeting a new member of our family...knowing in that first moment that life had taken a turn and things were about to get shaken up, turned upside down and that when it all settles, we'll all be better off than we were before...and we thought we were pretty awesome before so after has no choice but to be breathtaking!
Monday, March 21, 2011
Getting to where I'm going...
I've been driving...getting to where I'm going one mile, one city, one friend's couch at a time. Lucky to have the loves that I do who help me get my feet under me, back on the ground, facing the right direction and taking even the smallest of steps toward...well toward something, anything. Just moving...moving...moving.
I've been writing...getting to where I'm going one unsent email, unpublished blog, unmailed love letter and unintelligible rant at a time. Lucky to have all of these avenues to express myself...and to be able to write powerfully for me...more than for him or her or them. Writing because the words refuse to go unsaid even if they have to go unsent.
I've been crying...getting to where I'm going ten tears at a time...not single tears...they have been coming in droves lately. Lucky to be able to cry at home, at work, in your arms and in your face and sometimes even in hiding. Crying to cleanse, crying because it's broke and crying because life keeps handing me amazingness that sometimes stays but sometimes has to go. Crying because I can and I do and to hell with whether or not tears are called for.
I've been sleeping...getting to where I'm going one long night, one nap, one drool puddle and snore session at a time. Lucky to have a big fluffy cloud of a bed that feels like a hug. Sleeping to restore, repair, rejuvenate. Sleeping to escape and sleeping to have the lovely blessing of waking to a brand new chance at a lovely new day full of promise and passion. Sleeping next to you, alone or even with my babies curled up next to me.
I've been talking...getting to where I'm going with a million words...all precious, all pertinent and absolutely not all perfect. Lucky to have a voice, an ability to string words together in ways that paint pictures that are impossible to misunderstand...to have courage to speak them and to have ears willing to bend to them. Mostly lucky to have the ability to use my voice and be heard, understood and even sometimes forgiven when the dark and dangerous ones sneak past the guards.
I've been loving...getting to where I'm going one toughly tender tenacious heartbeat at a time. Lucky to have recipient hearts in my life waiting to time their beats with mine...some waiting openly, some waiting tentatively, others waiting avoidantly, many waiting ecstatically. Waiting...waiting...waiting with no pressure or agenda...just knowing that where they are is exactly perfect and where we are is simply serendipitous...that we belong to one another in an instant that may be past present or future but knowing that belonging only takes one heartbeat shared for two hearts to beat in time forever. Belonging is a beauty~full tattoo on your heart that you never regret getting...never ever.
I've been this and I've been that and life has handed me love and challenges and turmoil and at the end of it all great heaping mounds of personal triumph. I know who I am, what I'm made of and above all what my worth is.
The only unanswered question at this moment in time is...in all this "getting to where I'm going"...where exactly is it that I am going? Where are these drives, words, tears, zzz's, heartbeats and laughter taking me? When will I get there?
And the only answer I want is "wait and see."
Times infinity.
Please.
I've been writing...getting to where I'm going one unsent email, unpublished blog, unmailed love letter and unintelligible rant at a time. Lucky to have all of these avenues to express myself...and to be able to write powerfully for me...more than for him or her or them. Writing because the words refuse to go unsaid even if they have to go unsent.
I've been crying...getting to where I'm going ten tears at a time...not single tears...they have been coming in droves lately. Lucky to be able to cry at home, at work, in your arms and in your face and sometimes even in hiding. Crying to cleanse, crying because it's broke and crying because life keeps handing me amazingness that sometimes stays but sometimes has to go. Crying because I can and I do and to hell with whether or not tears are called for.
I've been sleeping...getting to where I'm going one long night, one nap, one drool puddle and snore session at a time. Lucky to have a big fluffy cloud of a bed that feels like a hug. Sleeping to restore, repair, rejuvenate. Sleeping to escape and sleeping to have the lovely blessing of waking to a brand new chance at a lovely new day full of promise and passion. Sleeping next to you, alone or even with my babies curled up next to me.
I've been talking...getting to where I'm going with a million words...all precious, all pertinent and absolutely not all perfect. Lucky to have a voice, an ability to string words together in ways that paint pictures that are impossible to misunderstand...to have courage to speak them and to have ears willing to bend to them. Mostly lucky to have the ability to use my voice and be heard, understood and even sometimes forgiven when the dark and dangerous ones sneak past the guards.
I've been loving...getting to where I'm going one toughly tender tenacious heartbeat at a time. Lucky to have recipient hearts in my life waiting to time their beats with mine...some waiting openly, some waiting tentatively, others waiting avoidantly, many waiting ecstatically. Waiting...waiting...waiting with no pressure or agenda...just knowing that where they are is exactly perfect and where we are is simply serendipitous...that we belong to one another in an instant that may be past present or future but knowing that belonging only takes one heartbeat shared for two hearts to beat in time forever. Belonging is a beauty~full tattoo on your heart that you never regret getting...never ever.
I've been this and I've been that and life has handed me love and challenges and turmoil and at the end of it all great heaping mounds of personal triumph. I know who I am, what I'm made of and above all what my worth is.
The only unanswered question at this moment in time is...in all this "getting to where I'm going"...where exactly is it that I am going? Where are these drives, words, tears, zzz's, heartbeats and laughter taking me? When will I get there?
And the only answer I want is "wait and see."
Times infinity.
Please.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Bootstraps. Strong bootstraps.
Pulling myself up, one beauty~full thing at a time...
♥Glittery green eyeshadow and a good hair day.
♥Salad bar lunch with my babygirl...a middle of the day respite.
♥A phone call & invitation...being cared about and cared for.
♥Glittery green eyeshadow and a good hair day.
♥Salad bar lunch with my babygirl...a middle of the day respite.
♥A phone call & invitation...being cared about and cared for.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Sit down. Seriously. Sit. There, now...
Today was all about not enough.
Not enough information. Not enough communication. Not enough attention. Not enough of the right answers. Not enough difficult work to stay mind~busy. Not enough yes answers. Not enough kindness. Not enough food. Not enough hugs. Not enough breaths. Not enough purpose. Not enough patience. Not enough touches. Not enough need. Not enough desire. Not enough connection. Not enough of any single thing that I can think of.
I needed so much today that it's quite possible that nothing could have possibly been enough.
But I still think that it would have been nice if somewhere, someone or something along the way could have come close.
Today I wanted to hear "I want to see you, even if for only 10 minutes" and "being with you is all I need." I wanted my hand held and...okay...a foot rub. I wanted for there to be someone hoping I'd come see them soon and I wanted to not eat my lunch alone. I really did want flowers AND a card. I wanted the phone number to still be connected and certainly to not have to hear that a friend had passed away. I wanted to fill in those empty moments with words that actually meant something between two people who can be raw and real and honest about the want and the limits. I wanted to be the one picked and I wanted to rail and cry and rage when I wasn't. I wanted to be angry instead of understanding and ever so hopeful. I wanted to be little and...really? I even wanted to disappear.
I wanted to come here tonight and say...BEAUTY? WHAT FUCKING BEAUTY??
Tonight I want someone to take a cross-section of my heart and put it under a microscope because I know that a multiple heartbreak like this one must be spectacular to see if you could catch each and every hairline crack.
So, you want beauty?
Okay...
♥Non-waterproof mascara...so that there is no hiding from the fact that FUCK SOMETIMES THIS LIFE IS UGLY AND IT HURTS...and trying to remain pretty in the face of that is close to THE MOST ludicrous attempt at vanity ever Ever EVER!
♥My dog...who can't hear me cry without cocking his head sideways, perking up one ear and wailing right along with me...then trying to lick my tears and give me his paw like it solves all the problems of the world. Stupid bastard.
♥Knowing...knowing that I get a brand new start with a brand new outlook once I wake tomorrow morning...and knowing that AA said it best...
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
...and please let whatever happens tomorrow be enough. Enough to fill those hairline cracks and start to put me back together again. Just enough, that's all I ask.
Not enough information. Not enough communication. Not enough attention. Not enough of the right answers. Not enough difficult work to stay mind~busy. Not enough yes answers. Not enough kindness. Not enough food. Not enough hugs. Not enough breaths. Not enough purpose. Not enough patience. Not enough touches. Not enough need. Not enough desire. Not enough connection. Not enough of any single thing that I can think of.
I needed so much today that it's quite possible that nothing could have possibly been enough.
But I still think that it would have been nice if somewhere, someone or something along the way could have come close.
Today I wanted to hear "I want to see you, even if for only 10 minutes" and "being with you is all I need." I wanted my hand held and...okay...a foot rub. I wanted for there to be someone hoping I'd come see them soon and I wanted to not eat my lunch alone. I really did want flowers AND a card. I wanted the phone number to still be connected and certainly to not have to hear that a friend had passed away. I wanted to fill in those empty moments with words that actually meant something between two people who can be raw and real and honest about the want and the limits. I wanted to be the one picked and I wanted to rail and cry and rage when I wasn't. I wanted to be angry instead of understanding and ever so hopeful. I wanted to be little and...really? I even wanted to disappear.
I wanted to come here tonight and say...BEAUTY? WHAT FUCKING BEAUTY??
Tonight I want someone to take a cross-section of my heart and put it under a microscope because I know that a multiple heartbreak like this one must be spectacular to see if you could catch each and every hairline crack.
So, you want beauty?
Okay...
♥Non-waterproof mascara...so that there is no hiding from the fact that FUCK SOMETIMES THIS LIFE IS UGLY AND IT HURTS...and trying to remain pretty in the face of that is close to THE MOST ludicrous attempt at vanity ever Ever EVER!
♥My dog...who can't hear me cry without cocking his head sideways, perking up one ear and wailing right along with me...then trying to lick my tears and give me his paw like it solves all the problems of the world. Stupid bastard.
♥Knowing...knowing that I get a brand new start with a brand new outlook once I wake tomorrow morning...and knowing that AA said it best...
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
...and please let whatever happens tomorrow be enough. Enough to fill those hairline cracks and start to put me back together again. Just enough, that's all I ask.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Beauty about Being
♥Being desired. Always a breathtaking realization...and I hope to remain in awe each and every time.
♥Being admired. Always lovely but especially so when it's by someone I deem a rockstar in this world!
♥Being trusted. Always humbling...and this time it was by two people I can't hide my reactions, feelings, vibe and intentions from.
♥Being admired. Always lovely but especially so when it's by someone I deem a rockstar in this world!
♥Being trusted. Always humbling...and this time it was by two people I can't hide my reactions, feelings, vibe and intentions from.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
A weekend of beauty
♥ Friday ♥ Off work one hour early...car, plane, train, ferry & taxi..back to Washington...back to amazing. Hugs and love and fun...drinking and laughing and silliness. A foot rub and an admission and a decision. Giggles and cuddles and interlopers. Sleeping and snoring and sweetness.
♥ Saturday ♥ Waking to a dancing five year old who never stopped with the singing and playing and dancing and creativity. Meals by the Mama and the Papa...breakfast in a skillet and cajun lasagna to die for. Sensitive moments and sneaking away. Our numbers dwindling but the togetherness not.
♥ Sunday ♥ Talking the morning away, a movie and an attempt to leave that was thwarted by fog. A temper tantrum. Returning. Reality. Rest.
♥ Monday ♥ Sweet forehead kisses as I said my goodbyes, a break of day ferry ride full of breathtaking beauty...train, plane and car...home to the soft sweetness of my own bed and the loving greeting of my babies. A clean house and the ability to slowly sink back into this reality.
Life is great...everywhere. Here. There. Today. Yesterday. It lends hope that tomorrow will follow and be just as amazing. Just as magical. Just as...whatever it is that it is supposed to be. Being reminded by today to keep dreaming and to keep on keeping on.
♥ Saturday ♥ Waking to a dancing five year old who never stopped with the singing and playing and dancing and creativity. Meals by the Mama and the Papa...breakfast in a skillet and cajun lasagna to die for. Sensitive moments and sneaking away. Our numbers dwindling but the togetherness not.
♥ Sunday ♥ Talking the morning away, a movie and an attempt to leave that was thwarted by fog. A temper tantrum. Returning. Reality. Rest.
♥ Monday ♥ Sweet forehead kisses as I said my goodbyes, a break of day ferry ride full of breathtaking beauty...train, plane and car...home to the soft sweetness of my own bed and the loving greeting of my babies. A clean house and the ability to slowly sink back into this reality.
Life is great...everywhere. Here. There. Today. Yesterday. It lends hope that tomorrow will follow and be just as amazing. Just as magical. Just as...whatever it is that it is supposed to be. Being reminded by today to keep dreaming and to keep on keeping on.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Beauty. That's all. Just Beauty.
♥Embracing that sometimes I can be a beauty~full mess. Teary, snotty, wrong, unfair, anxiety~ridden and anxiety~evoking, confused, frightened, on the verge of some big truth that has me hiding my eyes while rushing in blind, in my jammies at inappropriate times, hair in my eyes and chipped nail polish...but still beauty~full in a glorious way that is uniquely me. And if you're strong, brave, forgiving and understanding enough, the mess will become a beauty~full bond between us. This I promise you.
♥Rain...with all the fun accoutrements...boots and umbrellas and tendrils stuck to my neck and face.
♥Sleeping on the couch only to wake and write about beauty. Freedom. The end of one day allowing for all the hope and promise of the one ahead.
♥Rain...with all the fun accoutrements...boots and umbrellas and tendrils stuck to my neck and face.
♥Sleeping on the couch only to wake and write about beauty. Freedom. The end of one day allowing for all the hope and promise of the one ahead.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Love Letter...Butterflies, Baby. Butterflies.
I was curled up in a cozy corner booth with your momma, sore belly from laughing so hard, dry eyes after a few tears shed and tender spots on our hearts numbed with Guinness, Bailey's and 18 year old Jameson's. What else do you do in an amazing Irish pub? You tell tales and drink, that's what you do. I felt so insulated from the world outside with it's passion and promise and pain...every day, all day. I had arrived in a magical wet city and found a magical little niche. I didn't think it could possibly get any better.
Then you walked in. I was speechless for moments that felt like eons. What a well~kept secret you were...with your eyes full of twinkle, all smile and tall easy grace. That was my first impression of you and it exponentially got better and better minute by minute. I knew in the first hour that I wanted to keep you, that one of the people~shaped holes in my life that I had been waiting to be filled was the shape of you. I love it when that happens, when I trust and go with it and there is a near audible click between people.
It wasn't only you. It was your cousin with his big laugh and sweet vulnerable tentative confidence, his love with her sweet toughness and the rock star with his huge musician ego and absolute loving loyalty. It was an instant falling in love with each and every one of you immediately. Your chemistry as a tight little group took my breath away and when you let me fit in, fall in, be myself and pulled me closer into your fold, I was honored beyond measure. But it was you who continued to take my breath away. It was you with your whispers and touches, flirtations and invitations that made me dizzy and giddy.
Then you walked in. I was speechless for moments that felt like eons. What a well~kept secret you were...with your eyes full of twinkle, all smile and tall easy grace. That was my first impression of you and it exponentially got better and better minute by minute. I knew in the first hour that I wanted to keep you, that one of the people~shaped holes in my life that I had been waiting to be filled was the shape of you. I love it when that happens, when I trust and go with it and there is a near audible click between people.
It wasn't only you. It was your cousin with his big laugh and sweet vulnerable tentative confidence, his love with her sweet toughness and the rock star with his huge musician ego and absolute loving loyalty. It was an instant falling in love with each and every one of you immediately. Your chemistry as a tight little group took my breath away and when you let me fit in, fall in, be myself and pulled me closer into your fold, I was honored beyond measure. But it was you who continued to take my breath away. It was you with your whispers and touches, flirtations and invitations that made me dizzy and giddy.
Monday, February 28, 2011
a WTF kind of Monday
Crappity Crap McCrapperson Crapoliciousness today:
102.3 degree fever. Down one degree after medication. One. Degree. Also a sick babygirl. Add one suspended babyboy. Overwhelmed at work and still had to leave due to illness. Neurology appointment that was not great news after weeks of waiting. Long waits + 3 hungry peeps = grouchy Grouchy GROUCHY. Only distraction from grouch cubed was one phone with terrible battery life. Later having to speak tough words... necessary tough words to a tender soul with a terrible attitude. One big clotty snotty surprise bloody nose. Old Mother Hubbard's cupboards are bare and no energy to shop with this crazy fever. Annoying barky little demon dog that won't let helpers near me when they happen to want to. So. Sick. And. Tired.
But...
Today I was standing in front of the fridge, thinking about opening the door and finding some breakfast food but not really having much of an appetite. I re-read a printout from quite a while back that I think of as my parenting muse. I just happened to notice that it had a url in the upper right corner and the name looked familiar. I popped onto my facebook and sure enough, the writer of those immortal words was one facebook friend click away. Right under my nose. Posting on mutual friends' pages even. So I wrote to her. She wrote back. I have a new facebook friend! One who has unwittingly seen me through SO MANY parenting growth, change, love, let go, breathe Breathe BREATHE moments.
As if that lovely connection and exchange weren't enough, the timing completely blew me away. Just after I walked away from the computer and this connection, I get a call from the school. From the Principal himself...asking me to pick up my boy and keep him for a few days of "reflection" on his choices. Back to the fridge I went. Back to the words, back to the basics, back to the truth of who I strive to be.
A half hour time difference, a day at work instead of home sick, a little shyness instead of fever induced "what the hell" ness and I would be apologizing for reacting from embarrassment over Principal Mr. Willi~yummy~yummy~iams calling about my child's behavior...over fear of how babyboy's dad might find our situation lacking or substandard...over all the multitude of things mainstream society tells me I should feel when my child falls short of their expectations.
A half hour time difference and I wouldn't be able to sit here and tell you how proud I am of how I actually did handle it...how I maintained my love and hope and belief in wrong and right...MINE...and encouraged him to really question if he was acting in ways aligned to his...HIS. How I planted seeds of truth and respect in the rich and fertile soil of his lovely soul. How my intuition is telling me that we're right where we are supposed to be...here, today...this moment, this happening, this opportunity. How we are so separate from one another but so tied by gossamer strands of love tougher than steel.
Also today, negating the crappiness: I was invited to two weekends that sound like absolute heaven...a girls' weekend and a trailer/beach/lightning bug weekend that promises to be all about connecting. My babygirl is now released back into the world of physical activity...softball her Senior year is back on the itinerary. Carl's Jr lettuce wrap with Santa Fe sauce...the only fast food experience I crave...giving in to it and licking my fingers after. The three musketeers together for a jaunt...with teens this has become rather infrequent. An email friend who never lets me down...who goes out of his way to check and reply...even when it's terribly inconvenient. Two fevered geminis cuddling at every possible juncture. ROSS CHILDRESS PUT OUT A NEW PLAYLIST!!! I bought it. I love it. Youtube has "Music in High Places" which I have wished and wished and wished to get to see again...it made me cry little joy tears watching it. And the best treatment for sickness...couch and movies...movies sent by one of the newest lovelies in my tribe...out of the kindness of his heart.
Overall, love found it's way between crap's cracks.
102.3 degree fever. Down one degree after medication. One. Degree. Also a sick babygirl. Add one suspended babyboy. Overwhelmed at work and still had to leave due to illness. Neurology appointment that was not great news after weeks of waiting. Long waits + 3 hungry peeps = grouchy Grouchy GROUCHY. Only distraction from grouch cubed was one phone with terrible battery life. Later having to speak tough words... necessary tough words to a tender soul with a terrible attitude. One big clotty snotty surprise bloody nose. Old Mother Hubbard's cupboards are bare and no energy to shop with this crazy fever. Annoying barky little demon dog that won't let helpers near me when they happen to want to. So. Sick. And. Tired.
But...
Today I was standing in front of the fridge, thinking about opening the door and finding some breakfast food but not really having much of an appetite. I re-read a printout from quite a while back that I think of as my parenting muse. I just happened to notice that it had a url in the upper right corner and the name looked familiar. I popped onto my facebook and sure enough, the writer of those immortal words was one facebook friend click away. Right under my nose. Posting on mutual friends' pages even. So I wrote to her. She wrote back. I have a new facebook friend! One who has unwittingly seen me through SO MANY parenting growth, change, love, let go, breathe Breathe BREATHE moments.
As if that lovely connection and exchange weren't enough, the timing completely blew me away. Just after I walked away from the computer and this connection, I get a call from the school. From the Principal himself...asking me to pick up my boy and keep him for a few days of "reflection" on his choices. Back to the fridge I went. Back to the words, back to the basics, back to the truth of who I strive to be.
A half hour time difference, a day at work instead of home sick, a little shyness instead of fever induced "what the hell" ness and I would be apologizing for reacting from embarrassment over Principal Mr. Willi~yummy~yummy~iams calling about my child's behavior...over fear of how babyboy's dad might find our situation lacking or substandard...over all the multitude of things mainstream society tells me I should feel when my child falls short of their expectations.
A half hour time difference and I wouldn't be able to sit here and tell you how proud I am of how I actually did handle it...how I maintained my love and hope and belief in wrong and right...MINE...and encouraged him to really question if he was acting in ways aligned to his...HIS. How I planted seeds of truth and respect in the rich and fertile soil of his lovely soul. How my intuition is telling me that we're right where we are supposed to be...here, today...this moment, this happening, this opportunity. How we are so separate from one another but so tied by gossamer strands of love tougher than steel.
Also today, negating the crappiness: I was invited to two weekends that sound like absolute heaven...a girls' weekend and a trailer/beach/lightning bug weekend that promises to be all about connecting. My babygirl is now released back into the world of physical activity...softball her Senior year is back on the itinerary. Carl's Jr lettuce wrap with Santa Fe sauce...the only fast food experience I crave...giving in to it and licking my fingers after. The three musketeers together for a jaunt...with teens this has become rather infrequent. An email friend who never lets me down...who goes out of his way to check and reply...even when it's terribly inconvenient. Two fevered geminis cuddling at every possible juncture. ROSS CHILDRESS PUT OUT A NEW PLAYLIST!!! I bought it. I love it. Youtube has "Music in High Places" which I have wished and wished and wished to get to see again...it made me cry little joy tears watching it. And the best treatment for sickness...couch and movies...movies sent by one of the newest lovelies in my tribe...out of the kindness of his heart.
Overall, love found it's way between crap's cracks.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Amazing what a clean garage can do...
The weatherman said there was a great big storm coming on Friday. The superintendent called with a canned message about possible school closures. I brought in the plants and battened down the hatches. I wore boots...a hat AND a scarf.
There was rain. It was cold. Flurries of snow danced onto my windshield and melted immediately. It hailed. The clouds parted and there was sunshine intermittently throughout the day.
I had created a to do list for the weekend that was weather appropriate. Lots of indoorsy chores and quiet time.
Instead, today was beauty~full. I wore a strapless dress and put the top down on the convertible. Sure, I blasted the heat...but the sun was shining on my shoulders nonetheless and I wore my biggest sunglasses in it's honor. I cleaned the garage and walked the dog down by the river. I basked and I absorbed the energy from the winter sun on a day predicted to be gloomy.
I had butterflies in my belly all day today. I felt that little anxious anticipation that puts a twinkle in the eye and a sass in the step. It was like an entire day on the verge of falling in love. I smiled a lot and batted my eyelashes at nothing more interesting than the shop vac or the endless containers I used to organize various garage stuff. I wasn't quite sure what was going on...but tonight as I sat here prepared to write out my Three Beauty~full Things, I realized that today I wasn't just on the verge of falling in love all day long. I actually DID fall in love today...all day.
I fell in love with the unexpected gift of sunshine. I fell in love with cleaning, clearing, discarding, organizing, changing, taking back that space and feeling productive. I fell in love with my couch and a movie that made me cry inexplicably. I fell in love with reflecting on this past week with all of it's challenges and successes and possibility. I fell in love with my recklessness...the apologies I had to make for some of it, the apologies I probably should make and never will and the absolute lack of apology for the parts that I am completely totally unabashedly in love Love LOVE with. I fell in love with the memories of camping that came from stacking all of the equipment. I fell in love with projects that I resumed today, revisited and reworked...projects that will be so amazing once completed and today I fell in love with that vision of completion in a way that is motivating me to stay focused. I fell in love with this life over and over again today. Belly full of butterflies kind of "in love."
~sigh~
All because the weatherman was incorrect.
There was rain. It was cold. Flurries of snow danced onto my windshield and melted immediately. It hailed. The clouds parted and there was sunshine intermittently throughout the day.
I had created a to do list for the weekend that was weather appropriate. Lots of indoorsy chores and quiet time.
Instead, today was beauty~full. I wore a strapless dress and put the top down on the convertible. Sure, I blasted the heat...but the sun was shining on my shoulders nonetheless and I wore my biggest sunglasses in it's honor. I cleaned the garage and walked the dog down by the river. I basked and I absorbed the energy from the winter sun on a day predicted to be gloomy.
I had butterflies in my belly all day today. I felt that little anxious anticipation that puts a twinkle in the eye and a sass in the step. It was like an entire day on the verge of falling in love. I smiled a lot and batted my eyelashes at nothing more interesting than the shop vac or the endless containers I used to organize various garage stuff. I wasn't quite sure what was going on...but tonight as I sat here prepared to write out my Three Beauty~full Things, I realized that today I wasn't just on the verge of falling in love all day long. I actually DID fall in love today...all day.
I fell in love with the unexpected gift of sunshine. I fell in love with cleaning, clearing, discarding, organizing, changing, taking back that space and feeling productive. I fell in love with my couch and a movie that made me cry inexplicably. I fell in love with reflecting on this past week with all of it's challenges and successes and possibility. I fell in love with my recklessness...the apologies I had to make for some of it, the apologies I probably should make and never will and the absolute lack of apology for the parts that I am completely totally unabashedly in love Love LOVE with. I fell in love with the memories of camping that came from stacking all of the equipment. I fell in love with projects that I resumed today, revisited and reworked...projects that will be so amazing once completed and today I fell in love with that vision of completion in a way that is motivating me to stay focused. I fell in love with this life over and over again today. Belly full of butterflies kind of "in love."
~sigh~
All because the weatherman was incorrect.
Yesterday's Beauty and a Bonus
♥Catching up, closeness, comfort, connection and clandestine followed by more connection.
♥Breathing, speaking my heart, soul and gut's truth in honest forthright terms after being asked for exactly that...taking that chance of giving exactly what is asked for and being repaid with respect and agreement and understanding and solution rather than finality. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. I might just pass out from all the sighing. It's not so easy to take chances...and this one came with a high price tag if I was wrong. I was led by a mentor down a path to realize that there was no "wrong" here and even a mistake would be worth the financial price tag if there would be lessons learned and community relationships deepened.
♥Family dinner night...good food, great conversation and finally getting a chance to show my wife some love. :)
Bonus: A poem that came out earlier this week...a patient who stayed with me long after the work hours were over and this poem being the only way I could convince thoughts of him to get back where they belong.
DNR
Behind a glass door
covered in tubes
a backless gown
beeping machines
and alarms.
You lift your finger
look past the mask
to see this invader
pinching
blinking
annoying
measuring your essence.
Your eyes are fixed
gaze soft
on the only familiar
comfort of home.
But TV can’t
release your mind
from the worry.
Your 87 years
play on the screen
instead of actors
You wonder
how you got here
with all of your regrets
and broken dreams.
You look at me
with your watery eyes
and pick up the pen.
You sign the form
that you think
is your only chance
at peace.
And we all wonder why.
It’s not your time.
But you disagree.
And honoring your choice
robs us of our peace
while giving you
that chance you want
at yours.
♥Breathing, speaking my heart, soul and gut's truth in honest forthright terms after being asked for exactly that...taking that chance of giving exactly what is asked for and being repaid with respect and agreement and understanding and solution rather than finality. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. I might just pass out from all the sighing. It's not so easy to take chances...and this one came with a high price tag if I was wrong. I was led by a mentor down a path to realize that there was no "wrong" here and even a mistake would be worth the financial price tag if there would be lessons learned and community relationships deepened.
♥Family dinner night...good food, great conversation and finally getting a chance to show my wife some love. :)
Bonus: A poem that came out earlier this week...a patient who stayed with me long after the work hours were over and this poem being the only way I could convince thoughts of him to get back where they belong.
DNR
Behind a glass door
covered in tubes
a backless gown
beeping machines
and alarms.
You lift your finger
look past the mask
to see this invader
pinching
blinking
annoying
measuring your essence.
Your eyes are fixed
gaze soft
on the only familiar
comfort of home.
But TV can’t
release your mind
from the worry.
Your 87 years
play on the screen
instead of actors
You wonder
how you got here
with all of your regrets
and broken dreams.
You look at me
with your watery eyes
and pick up the pen.
You sign the form
that you think
is your only chance
at peace.
And we all wonder why.
It’s not your time.
But you disagree.
And honoring your choice
robs us of our peace
while giving you
that chance you want
at yours.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Beauty~full things almost all about the work...
♥A two hour meeting with a man I admire...who challenges me and trusts me...even admires me back which blows me completely away each and every time he proves it.
♥A day of hit and miss with a lady who wears her authority like an elegant magical cape...coming to the same realization and that moment when only a wink will do.
♥Doing good work. Knowing it. Loving it. Being it...then leaving it for an evening full of taking exactly what I want...and the loves surrounding me who gave and gave and gave some more. Sitting here with a satisfied smile and a heart full of peace.
♥A day of hit and miss with a lady who wears her authority like an elegant magical cape...coming to the same realization and that moment when only a wink will do.
♥Doing good work. Knowing it. Loving it. Being it...then leaving it for an evening full of taking exactly what I want...and the loves surrounding me who gave and gave and gave some more. Sitting here with a satisfied smile and a heart full of peace.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Three Beauty~full things about waking, working and winding it all up
♥Waking late, naturally and slowly...and still making it to work on time.
♥Wearing so many hats in one day and rocking each and every one...work realted phone calls full of understanding, success, cooperation, a job offer, new knowledge, respect and professionalism...and that one phone call that put it all in perspective.
♥A great work day, a couple of episodes of Shameless with my boy, a walk, a workout, a hot shower, soothing lotion, Sleepytime Tea and my fluffy cloud of a bed...perfection.
♥Wearing so many hats in one day and rocking each and every one...work realted phone calls full of understanding, success, cooperation, a job offer, new knowledge, respect and professionalism...and that one phone call that put it all in perspective.
♥A great work day, a couple of episodes of Shameless with my boy, a walk, a workout, a hot shower, soothing lotion, Sleepytime Tea and my fluffy cloud of a bed...perfection.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Three Beauty~full things about head heart and hope!
♥A good hair day.
♥Secrets between new fast friends...whispers and pinkie promises and thumb kisses and giggles and gasps and getting down to the dirty dirty.
♥Being asked to be a mentor. By a soul that reeks of Social Worker already!
♥Secrets between new fast friends...whispers and pinkie promises and thumb kisses and giggles and gasps and getting down to the dirty dirty.
♥Being asked to be a mentor. By a soul that reeks of Social Worker already!
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
A Many Splendored Thing
I was asked today what I think love is.
I don't think you can think love is anything.
Love is a moment where everything makes sense. Love is when one single soul is connected to another for a span of time, seconds...or lifetimes if you're lucky...and that connection allows stars and peace and rightness to radiate out of every pore of your body. Love is when funky smells radiate out of those same pores and it's still okay. Love is when you can stand there with your eyes closed and feel the world rotating and revolving and you know that there is another person on the face of the planet who will smile watching you do it because it's something only you would do and get so much joy out of. Love is mischief and excitement and risk in a big sumo wrestler suit so that when it inevitably ends up knocked down, there is enough padding that it can land softly and roll around until there's a curb to climb up on and get upright again. Love is a glance and wink that goes over everyone else's heads. Love is the snort in a really good laugh. Love is that split second when anger dissipates and being right isn't important at all anymore. Love is tender torture...knowing the experience is worth the seven levels of hell you would be dragged through if it went away. Love is knowing that even if it fades or dies or leaves, possession isn't necessary for that feeling to live forever. Love can't be thought about or intellectualized or explained in letters that make words. Love is snippets and moments and happenings and coincidences and stillness and knowing. Love is believing the best and the worst about someone and having both make them more human and dear and deserving. Love is red rainboots...smiles on gloomy days are unavoidable when red rainboots are involved. Love is red rainboots dancing in mudpuddles...not noticing the mud...only knowing the joy of dancing. That's what love is.
One of my favorite lines from the movie Playing By Heart:
"Talking about love is like dancing about architecture." ~Joan
Three Beauty~full Things about love today...
♥Being heard...a snippet given, my hair played with, a compromise, a twinkle, an attempt under questionable circumstances, quiet time together, quiet time alone, a lap suitable for curling up on even though I'm a grown-up, being driven instead of having to drive, conversation and laughter and smiles.
♥An absent-minded "I love you" on the phone to someone I think it about often but say infrequently and it being automatically reciprocated.
♥My babies...growing and learning to give without being asked. ~sigh~ My best work EVER.
I don't think you can think love is anything.
Love is a moment where everything makes sense. Love is when one single soul is connected to another for a span of time, seconds...or lifetimes if you're lucky...and that connection allows stars and peace and rightness to radiate out of every pore of your body. Love is when funky smells radiate out of those same pores and it's still okay. Love is when you can stand there with your eyes closed and feel the world rotating and revolving and you know that there is another person on the face of the planet who will smile watching you do it because it's something only you would do and get so much joy out of. Love is mischief and excitement and risk in a big sumo wrestler suit so that when it inevitably ends up knocked down, there is enough padding that it can land softly and roll around until there's a curb to climb up on and get upright again. Love is a glance and wink that goes over everyone else's heads. Love is the snort in a really good laugh. Love is that split second when anger dissipates and being right isn't important at all anymore. Love is tender torture...knowing the experience is worth the seven levels of hell you would be dragged through if it went away. Love is knowing that even if it fades or dies or leaves, possession isn't necessary for that feeling to live forever. Love can't be thought about or intellectualized or explained in letters that make words. Love is snippets and moments and happenings and coincidences and stillness and knowing. Love is believing the best and the worst about someone and having both make them more human and dear and deserving. Love is red rainboots...smiles on gloomy days are unavoidable when red rainboots are involved. Love is red rainboots dancing in mudpuddles...not noticing the mud...only knowing the joy of dancing. That's what love is.
One of my favorite lines from the movie Playing By Heart:
"Talking about love is like dancing about architecture." ~Joan
Three Beauty~full Things about love today...
♥Being heard...a snippet given, my hair played with, a compromise, a twinkle, an attempt under questionable circumstances, quiet time together, quiet time alone, a lap suitable for curling up on even though I'm a grown-up, being driven instead of having to drive, conversation and laughter and smiles.
♥An absent-minded "I love you" on the phone to someone I think it about often but say infrequently and it being automatically reciprocated.
♥My babies...growing and learning to give without being asked. ~sigh~ My best work EVER.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Beauty, Just Because.
♥Crying all day. Weird to say it...but beauty~full. I'm not jaded. I'm not hiding behind a wall. I'm not immune. I'm not callous. I'm not safe. I'm not going to pretend. I'm here...messy and human and vulnerable and wanting and connected and completely in love with each and every moment of each and every day with all it's greatness and terribleness and everything in between. I cried a lot today and it was cleansing. It was healing. It was bonding. It was beauty~full.
♥A canceled appointment that first irritated me then began to feel like a reprieve...a chance to think a little more...some unexpected freedom...ultimately a gift.
♥A fellow curly haired fair skinned freckled red head with a great smile who always knows just how to bring her understated humor into a professional situation and ALWAYS has good news for me. There is a $3000 check in my possession right now and THE PERFECT vehicle for my babygirl out there waiting for us to find it. Let the adventure begin.
♥A canceled appointment that first irritated me then began to feel like a reprieve...a chance to think a little more...some unexpected freedom...ultimately a gift.
♥A fellow curly haired fair skinned freckled red head with a great smile who always knows just how to bring her understated humor into a professional situation and ALWAYS has good news for me. There is a $3000 check in my possession right now and THE PERFECT vehicle for my babygirl out there waiting for us to find it. Let the adventure begin.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Day Thirty of Beauty
♥Love all around. Reds and pinks and purples and white. Flowers and doilies and cupcakes and balloons. Smiles and hugs and kisses and warmth. Cupid tossing arrows and the desire to live it painting bulls~eyes in every direction.
♥Being someone's Valentine...a secret one, a lunch one, a text one, a funny one, a crazy one, a reluctant one, a dinner one and a yearning one.
♥Valentine kisses...air ones, cheek ones, blown ones, French ones, long distance ones and the one that made my toes curl.
♥Being someone's Valentine...a secret one, a lunch one, a text one, a funny one, a crazy one, a reluctant one, a dinner one and a yearning one.
♥Valentine kisses...air ones, cheek ones, blown ones, French ones, long distance ones and the one that made my toes curl.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Day Twenty Nine of Beauty
♥So little sleep that delirium set in and everything was either funny or so funny that it made me cry. Even when I fell in front of a cute guy, skinning my knee and ripping my favorite jeans. Being able to laugh was beauty~full...and if I hadn't been so tired, I would have been more embarrassed than entranced by my own special brand of grace~full~ness.
♥Thinking no but doing yes and having an obligation turn into magic. Fearless. Magic inducing fear~less~ness.
♥Living in this place for 20 years and always wondering how far the trail goes...today finding out that the answer is 5.5 miles each direction, 11 miles round trip. Taking that trail from one beauty~full place to another...a place I didn't even know you could walk to...a place that is even more majestic when looking up at it instead of across or down. A trail that is not visible from a road I take on a regular basis and now will change the way I view that passing landscape when I drive it. Today I hiked from the green bridge by the fish hatchery to the base of the spillway on the dam. I didn't even know it was possible or so completely lovely. Also sharing that experience with a kind soul with whom conversation is a joy.
♥Thinking no but doing yes and having an obligation turn into magic. Fearless. Magic inducing fear~less~ness.
♥Living in this place for 20 years and always wondering how far the trail goes...today finding out that the answer is 5.5 miles each direction, 11 miles round trip. Taking that trail from one beauty~full place to another...a place I didn't even know you could walk to...a place that is even more majestic when looking up at it instead of across or down. A trail that is not visible from a road I take on a regular basis and now will change the way I view that passing landscape when I drive it. Today I hiked from the green bridge by the fish hatchery to the base of the spillway on the dam. I didn't even know it was possible or so completely lovely. Also sharing that experience with a kind soul with whom conversation is a joy.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Day Twenty Eight of Beauty
♥Can't say enough how great it is to have such a clean house...and to watch all the various people coming in and out of it showing respect to the babygirl for all her hard work.
♥An early morning drive to retrieve the boys, cooking Southern style breakfast and introducing mom to the Gallaghers on Showtime.
♥Saying no to an invitation out of absolute fear...calling back to say yes instead...deciding to be FEARLESS and it all working out.
Last year I took the kids on a hike to Bald Rock. I moved wrong climbing and started having back spasms so I yelled to them that I was heading back to the car and to take their time. It was an impromptu decision to do that hike and I was in a sundress and flip flops. With no phone. I got lost and it was approaching dark. When we arrived, we were the only car in the lot and we hadn't seen another soul the entire time we were there. I tried to backtrack and it was too steep. I was stuck and spasming pretty much nonstop by this point. I sat down and couldn't stop the tears. I couldn't breathe enough to yell through the hysterical tears...and I'm not a hysterical teary kind of girl. It was just too much...the hurting, the stuck feeling...the impending dark...the air turning cold. Finally I could yell but no one was responding. Until I heard a voice and saw a man. With a wolf. Seriously. A big smelly hairy wolf. He was pretty big and smelly and hairy himself. They both smelled like fresh green bud and it was right then that I realized what I had wandered into and that I would soon be in a shallow grave in the woods for trespassing on someone's illegal crop. Just as Yeti man made it to my side, the kids all appeared on the top of the ridge yelling and waving their arms. They came for me and Yeti man insisted on ensuring that we all got into the car and left. He stayed with us the entire painstaking trek back to the car and wrote my license plate number on his arm while blocking our way out of the parking space. Then he moved and we left.
Bald Rock is exactly what it sounds like, a big bare spot on the mountain. When we drove away from there that day, I cried tears of relief and swore I'd never ever go back. When I look at the mountains and there it is, all bald and obvious, it is a reminder of that stark terror feeling I had that day.
Well, today I went back. I went with two loves, one who has a navigation gene...the other with a great sense of humor and they brought me a whistle with a compass and a thermometer on it! I dressed appropriately and had my phone. It was LOVELY. I can look at the mountains and smile now...a victorious and happy smile from beating a fear and having a great time doing it!
The victorious view:
♥An early morning drive to retrieve the boys, cooking Southern style breakfast and introducing mom to the Gallaghers on Showtime.
♥Saying no to an invitation out of absolute fear...calling back to say yes instead...deciding to be FEARLESS and it all working out.
Last year I took the kids on a hike to Bald Rock. I moved wrong climbing and started having back spasms so I yelled to them that I was heading back to the car and to take their time. It was an impromptu decision to do that hike and I was in a sundress and flip flops. With no phone. I got lost and it was approaching dark. When we arrived, we were the only car in the lot and we hadn't seen another soul the entire time we were there. I tried to backtrack and it was too steep. I was stuck and spasming pretty much nonstop by this point. I sat down and couldn't stop the tears. I couldn't breathe enough to yell through the hysterical tears...and I'm not a hysterical teary kind of girl. It was just too much...the hurting, the stuck feeling...the impending dark...the air turning cold. Finally I could yell but no one was responding. Until I heard a voice and saw a man. With a wolf. Seriously. A big smelly hairy wolf. He was pretty big and smelly and hairy himself. They both smelled like fresh green bud and it was right then that I realized what I had wandered into and that I would soon be in a shallow grave in the woods for trespassing on someone's illegal crop. Just as Yeti man made it to my side, the kids all appeared on the top of the ridge yelling and waving their arms. They came for me and Yeti man insisted on ensuring that we all got into the car and left. He stayed with us the entire painstaking trek back to the car and wrote my license plate number on his arm while blocking our way out of the parking space. Then he moved and we left.
Bald Rock is exactly what it sounds like, a big bare spot on the mountain. When we drove away from there that day, I cried tears of relief and swore I'd never ever go back. When I look at the mountains and there it is, all bald and obvious, it is a reminder of that stark terror feeling I had that day.
Well, today I went back. I went with two loves, one who has a navigation gene...the other with a great sense of humor and they brought me a whistle with a compass and a thermometer on it! I dressed appropriately and had my phone. It was LOVELY. I can look at the mountains and smile now...a victorious and happy smile from beating a fear and having a great time doing it!
The victorious view:
Friday, February 11, 2011
Day Twenty Seven of Beauty
♥Making the best of a potentially very bad day...and the people who went way out of their way or slightly out of their way or even offered to go out of their way to make it so.
♥An immaculately clean house compliments of my babygirl. Every day she amazes me in beauty~full ways.
♥An abrupt change in plans after another abrupt change in plans which resulted in a phone conversation that created new perspective and plans followed by being available for a little lovely who needed MY help with new perspective. Symbiosis at its best...heart symbiosis.
♥An immaculately clean house compliments of my babygirl. Every day she amazes me in beauty~full ways.
♥An abrupt change in plans after another abrupt change in plans which resulted in a phone conversation that created new perspective and plans followed by being available for a little lovely who needed MY help with new perspective. Symbiosis at its best...heart symbiosis.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Day Twenty Six of Beauty
♥Attention. In all it's forms.
♥Affection. In all it's forms.
♥Adoration. In all it's forms.
Oh, yeah.
Just.
Like.
That.
~sigh~
I have a life full of amazing~ness in human form. Yes, that means YOU.
♥Affection. In all it's forms.
♥Adoration. In all it's forms.
Oh, yeah.
Just.
Like.
That.
~sigh~
I have a life full of amazing~ness in human form. Yes, that means YOU.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Day Twenty Four of Beauty
♥Being able to say the words "I'm super sensitive today and taking everything personally" and have those words be met with quiet acceptance. One of the most beautiful things is to be able to simply be...even when it's messy and have someone understand enough to just be there in that moment with you.
♥A windy walk on the dam at dusk...with Tone Loc, Young MC and Cypress Hill leading the way. Night, wind and water making me reminisce about the sailboating days with all of their love and laughter, silly drunken nights and endless tranquility.
♥157 lbs of white fluff curled up at my feet right now keeping them warm. Aiden, my prince.
♥A windy walk on the dam at dusk...with Tone Loc, Young MC and Cypress Hill leading the way. Night, wind and water making me reminisce about the sailboating days with all of their love and laughter, silly drunken nights and endless tranquility.
♥157 lbs of white fluff curled up at my feet right now keeping them warm. Aiden, my prince.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Day Twenty Three of Beauty
Okay, I've made it 22 full days, 3 of which were Mondays and I remained positive and focused on the good, the lovely...the beauty~full. Today will be a lil bit different.
Today's Three Beauty~full things are:
♥That this day is over.
♥That tomorrow will not be Monday.
♥That all obligations, both internally and externally demanded, are over and I can quit for the day. Quit thinking, quit caring, quit moving, quit Quit QUIT!
Peace out.
Today's Three Beauty~full things are:
♥That this day is over.
♥That tomorrow will not be Monday.
♥That all obligations, both internally and externally demanded, are over and I can quit for the day. Quit thinking, quit caring, quit moving, quit Quit QUIT!
Peace out.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Day Twenty Two of Beauty
♥Morning coffee with Momma...so glad she's home.
♥Papasan chair, ottoman, fuzzy blanket...all the windows on the house open and the Gallaghers on TV.
♥An unexpected compliment "you have incredible eyes" followed by "and you smell incredible" during a super close super long hug in the kitchen.
♥Papasan chair, ottoman, fuzzy blanket...all the windows on the house open and the Gallaghers on TV.
♥An unexpected compliment "you have incredible eyes" followed by "and you smell incredible" during a super close super long hug in the kitchen.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Day Twenty One of Beauty
♥Sunshine. T-shirt, jeans and flip-flops. Top down on the Mustang. Flowers in my hair. Safety Suit on the stereo. A perfect Saturday.
♥Pamper day...the salon feeling more like an awesome friend's house...and my lovely beauty artist the awesome friend. Shirley Temples from the bar next door. My babygirl and I taking turns in the chair and a visit from the wife there as well.
♥A quiet night tonight to follow yesterday's rowdy one. So peaceful.
♥Pamper day...the salon feeling more like an awesome friend's house...and my lovely beauty artist the awesome friend. Shirley Temples from the bar next door. My babygirl and I taking turns in the chair and a visit from the wife there as well.
♥A quiet night tonight to follow yesterday's rowdy one. So peaceful.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Day Twenty of Beauty
♥Money. Always nice.
♥A spontaneous trip to Paradise.
♥A new zebra striped shirt...for the Tainted Love concert tonight. There will be dancing and drinking and more dancing and more drinking.
♥A spontaneous trip to Paradise.
♥A new zebra striped shirt...for the Tainted Love concert tonight. There will be dancing and drinking and more dancing and more drinking.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Day Nineteen of Beauty
♥Being the recipient of a love coffee. If you haven't had one, you totally should. It's where your favorite coffee is bought for you just out of love. Tastes so much better!
♥Bringing momma home.
♥A quiet house and heading to bed early. Now, actually. G'nite...
♥Bringing momma home.
♥A quiet house and heading to bed early. Now, actually. G'nite...
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Day Eighteen of Beauty
♥A wake up work out that filled me with endorphins for the entire day.
♥Dressing like a fairy for work...with an invisible magic wand...that I used on patients and co-workers alike. ;)
♥Realizing I have an evening routine...I don't do routines! Turns out I do and they kinda rock sometimes.
♥Dressing like a fairy for work...with an invisible magic wand...that I used on patients and co-workers alike. ;)
♥Realizing I have an evening routine...I don't do routines! Turns out I do and they kinda rock sometimes.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Day Seventeen of Beauty
♥Doing it on repeat, the tough rough truthy words in simple terms...laying it out there to be seen in all it's raw genuine bare beauty...to be seen if the seer is blessed with vision. Time will tell.
♥An entire day locked up with my work wife...for better or worse, baby! Knowing that love is about all the different mental and emotional places and trying to dole out extra portions of love Love LOVE when it seems needed.
♥VH1 Best Cruise Ever...reserved and booked and arranged and...and...and!!!
And a Tuesday extra...
♥Listed last because if I listed it first, I'd have to stop right there...there's nothing more to add after the gravy is on the potatoes or the icing is on the cake...right? These words..."I really fuckin miss you right now." ~sigh~
♥An entire day locked up with my work wife...for better or worse, baby! Knowing that love is about all the different mental and emotional places and trying to dole out extra portions of love Love LOVE when it seems needed.
♥VH1 Best Cruise Ever...reserved and booked and arranged and...and...and!!!
And a Tuesday extra...
♥Listed last because if I listed it first, I'd have to stop right there...there's nothing more to add after the gravy is on the potatoes or the icing is on the cake...right? These words..."I really fuckin miss you right now." ~sigh~
Monday, January 31, 2011
Day Sixteen of Beauty
♥Saying it like it is. Speaking from the heart. Letting the rest fall into place...if it will...and being ready to accept it if it didn't. But it did! :)
♥Walking, walking, walking...starting when it was light and finishing way after dark...walking the thoughts out, walking the day off, walking toward something...I'm sure of it!
♥The Big Dipper positioned like a blooming flower of stars.
♥Walking, walking, walking...starting when it was light and finishing way after dark...walking the thoughts out, walking the day off, walking toward something...I'm sure of it!
♥The Big Dipper positioned like a blooming flower of stars.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Day Fifteen of Beauty
♥This morning:
♥This afternoon:
♥Today was tea and warm fuzziness, 6.6 miles of walking with amazing music and spectacular views, movies and cuddles...being fully present but smiling about yesterday and looking forward to tomorrow.
♥This afternoon:
♥Today was tea and warm fuzziness, 6.6 miles of walking with amazing music and spectacular views, movies and cuddles...being fully present but smiling about yesterday and looking forward to tomorrow.
Day Fourteen of Beauty
♥Leaving this place...all 8 seats filled for a day in a magical place...trolley cars, towers, mermaids, chocolate, chicken wings, jager right out of the bottle, shopping, talking, laughing and walking, walking, walking! A secret unmarked speakeasy complete with password and moving book cases, and a ride home full of laughter, silliness and singing.
♥A long hot shower.
♥My fluffy cloud of a bed.
♥A long hot shower.
♥My fluffy cloud of a bed.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Day Thirteen of Beauty
♥Blizzard pics sent by my namesake...shrinking the distance a little bit and making me feel part of where they are right now.
♥Reminders...the hard ones even had beauty in them.
♥Putting out into the universe the belief that my needs will be met and it happening. Day 13 of beauty was not unlucky at all!
That last item is so powerful. I completed my Masters Program work a couple of years ago but have left the completion of my thesis just hanging out there...an undone "do" on my "to do" list. I've moved it two years in a row and have set my mind on finishing it this year. I've been motivated and done a LOT of the legwork...each small success making the completion feel so much closer and possible. Late last week I hit a HUGE stumbling block that I was unable to find my way around or over or under and certainly couldn't obliterate it completely. I started to believe that it simply wasn't an obstacle that could easily be managed...and it may actually be enough to stop me in my tracks. I started wondering if I even needed to bother with this damn thesis. I have a great job already...one that treats me as if I had actually gotten the diploma that comes with the thesis completion. Luckily my support system wouldn't let me surrender to that kind of thinking. Instead I surrendered to belief that it would work out and I started acting like it already had, actually. I put forth the effort to do a little asking...just a little...just to get the energy moving. Only yesterday, I planted a seed here and posed a hypothetical there and directly asked for what I needed in one more place today. It worked. The answer was yes. Just like that. Yes. No convincing needed. No explanations or promises. Not only a yes but a yes with promises made to go along with it. I sit here tonight completely humbled, tickled, honored and convinced that belief is one of the most powerful tools we have...and it's so conveniently located tucked into the corner of our heart at all times...all we have to do is use it. My thesis will be completed November 2011. This year.
And a PS. one more beauty~full thing:
♥Being presented with my 15 year pin at work with it's pretty little emerald.
♥Reminders...the hard ones even had beauty in them.
♥Putting out into the universe the belief that my needs will be met and it happening. Day 13 of beauty was not unlucky at all!
That last item is so powerful. I completed my Masters Program work a couple of years ago but have left the completion of my thesis just hanging out there...an undone "do" on my "to do" list. I've moved it two years in a row and have set my mind on finishing it this year. I've been motivated and done a LOT of the legwork...each small success making the completion feel so much closer and possible. Late last week I hit a HUGE stumbling block that I was unable to find my way around or over or under and certainly couldn't obliterate it completely. I started to believe that it simply wasn't an obstacle that could easily be managed...and it may actually be enough to stop me in my tracks. I started wondering if I even needed to bother with this damn thesis. I have a great job already...one that treats me as if I had actually gotten the diploma that comes with the thesis completion. Luckily my support system wouldn't let me surrender to that kind of thinking. Instead I surrendered to belief that it would work out and I started acting like it already had, actually. I put forth the effort to do a little asking...just a little...just to get the energy moving. Only yesterday, I planted a seed here and posed a hypothetical there and directly asked for what I needed in one more place today. It worked. The answer was yes. Just like that. Yes. No convincing needed. No explanations or promises. Not only a yes but a yes with promises made to go along with it. I sit here tonight completely humbled, tickled, honored and convinced that belief is one of the most powerful tools we have...and it's so conveniently located tucked into the corner of our heart at all times...all we have to do is use it. My thesis will be completed November 2011. This year.
And a PS. one more beauty~full thing:
♥Being presented with my 15 year pin at work with it's pretty little emerald.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Day Eleven of Beauty
Today was rough emotionally...there were melancholy moments, difficult conversations, tough situations and more tears than I really was prepared for from more places than I ever would have expected...but there was STILL beauty!
♥A super productive morning at work so that I could justify leaving early. An afternoon much needed meeting...one that was almost totally about connecting.
♥Being confided in...the highest honor ever Ever EVER.
♥Hoodie and Uggs...clothes hugs.
And because today was special, an extra:
♥Inviting myself and then finding myself well-fed and surrounded by amazing~ness...laughter and tears and kids and sharing. Martin-Murrays, you complete me. ;)
♥A super productive morning at work so that I could justify leaving early. An afternoon much needed meeting...one that was almost totally about connecting.
♥Being confided in...the highest honor ever Ever EVER.
♥Hoodie and Uggs...clothes hugs.
And because today was special, an extra:
♥Inviting myself and then finding myself well-fed and surrounded by amazing~ness...laughter and tears and kids and sharing. Martin-Murrays, you complete me. ;)
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Day Ten of Beauty
♥Being called a girlfriend...even if it's like wearing a coat that is several sizes too small and too big at the same time, still beauty~full to hear. That coat can be a beauty~full goal and lovely to admire even before it fits. Even if it's not the right coat for the season.
♥Making plans...for tomorrow, for next month, for next August...the smiling anticipation that comes along with that planning. Butterflies, baby. Big ole butterflies.
♥Saying yes to spontaneousness. A great big resounding YES! And a great time coming out of that yes.
♥Making plans...for tomorrow, for next month, for next August...the smiling anticipation that comes along with that planning. Butterflies, baby. Big ole butterflies.
♥Saying yes to spontaneousness. A great big resounding YES! And a great time coming out of that yes.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Day Nine of Beauty
♥Banana for breakfast. Banana text response. Bananarama.
♥A work day that sped by. Being two people and doing new things.
♥New droid phone. Oh, help me. Beauty~full but befuddling.
♥A work day that sped by. Being two people and doing new things.
♥New droid phone. Oh, help me. Beauty~full but befuddling.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Day Eight of Beauty
♥The rhythm of this day...wake too early, fall in love a couple of times over, fall back asleep, wake to an offer I refused to refuse, go the distance in the convertible from sun to fog and back to sun again after a hike at the river to a beauty~full waterfall with a lovely and her twin progeny, slowing down for ♥ on the levee before an evening with a house FULL of lovelies where the energy was brilliant and beauty~full...marinading in it before coming home to share...where my own personal lovelies were waiting for me. It was a re~set rhythm of loveliness that this day had.
♥Taco salad...reminding me of good times with good loves. Taco salad~ed out but still smiling about the times and the loves.
♥Leggings and sheepskin lined boots, flowers in my hair and a twirly dress. There really aren't words adequate enough to describe how feminine I feel at times like these...twirly times.
Yuba River hike
Mini Niagra Falls
♥ on the levee
Warm fuzzy, twirly~ness
Trifecta Effecta Perfecta
♥Taco salad...reminding me of good times with good loves. Taco salad~ed out but still smiling about the times and the loves.
♥Leggings and sheepskin lined boots, flowers in my hair and a twirly dress. There really aren't words adequate enough to describe how feminine I feel at times like these...twirly times.
Yuba River hike
Mini Niagra Falls
♥ on the levee
Warm fuzzy, twirly~ness
Trifecta Effecta Perfecta
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Day Seven of Beauty
♥Amends. There is something so hopeful and uplifting about letting go and allowing greatness an opportunity to emerge...and even more so in believing that greatness is still possible, despite...despite...despite.
♥Hitting the mall with my best boy for some momma/son time and actually having fun shopping. Again. That's progress of the nth degree for me! Then finishing it off with a chunky strawberry milkshake. Bliss. Blissed out!
♥A new Victoria's Secret sleepshirt...that Victoria lady really knows how to pick the softest silkiest feeling cotton...it's like a caress and that makes me smile a little bashfully to say. Add a little Love Spell lotion and we're talking magical.
♥Hitting the mall with my best boy for some momma/son time and actually having fun shopping. Again. That's progress of the nth degree for me! Then finishing it off with a chunky strawberry milkshake. Bliss. Blissed out!
♥A new Victoria's Secret sleepshirt...that Victoria lady really knows how to pick the softest silkiest feeling cotton...it's like a caress and that makes me smile a little bashfully to say. Add a little Love Spell lotion and we're talking magical.
Day Six of Beauty
I'm a little late with this one...sometimes the living of life gets in the way of writing about it. YAY!
♥Friday. Payday. Bonus!
♥Making dinner for a house~full of the most amazing people on the planet...and a cat too. Taco night. Quarters. Conversation.
♥A skirt that twirls and how it feels like skipping and hopscotch and endless summer break days every time I do.
♥Friday. Payday. Bonus!
♥Making dinner for a house~full of the most amazing people on the planet...and a cat too. Taco night. Quarters. Conversation.
♥A skirt that twirls and how it feels like skipping and hopscotch and endless summer break days every time I do.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Day Five of Beauty
♥Acceptance...while I spent a whole day angry, blotchy, seething and looking for a fight. Love and light sent from near and far until I simply caved into it...surrendered and wept...a cleansing weeping that didn't fix anything except the angry blotchy seething~ness. There can be beauty in even the ugliest of moments when love and light are the victors.
♥Polish comfort food. Potato and cheese Pierogies with sour cream and carmelized onions. While watching SNL.
♥The moon all dressed up like the sun
♥Polish comfort food. Potato and cheese Pierogies with sour cream and carmelized onions. While watching SNL.
♥The moon all dressed up like the sun
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Day Four of Beauty
♥Time spent with my two best girls, with one on my lap and one on my left. Awww yeahhhh!
♥Kisses that leave me tingly & wanting more...more kisses, more tingles, more...
♥Missing my momma who is visiting family in Jersey...realizing how far we've come so that at this point in life I've been lucky enough to get used to her presence and enjoy it to the point that I miss her.
♥Kisses that leave me tingly & wanting more...more kisses, more tingles, more...
♥Missing my momma who is visiting family in Jersey...realizing how far we've come so that at this point in life I've been lucky enough to get used to her presence and enjoy it to the point that I miss her.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Day Three of Beauty
♥A 15 minute belly laugh at work with a crazy co-worker about Mirena IUD...the warning label seriously said "keep away from children and pets" IUD...INTRA UTERINE DEVICE. WTF...it goes INSIDE THE UTERUS. I had visions of swatting Fido away..."no, Fido" and I pantomimed this in our office. Good times.
♥The sunset in every shade of orange right out our front door with the Sutter Buttes perfectly outlined against it. Beauty~full.
♥A swiss roll style birthday dinner with my seriously dysFUNctional extended family where who is who to who and why is constantly a source of laughter and silliness.
♥The sunset in every shade of orange right out our front door with the Sutter Buttes perfectly outlined against it. Beauty~full.
♥A swiss roll style birthday dinner with my seriously dysFUNctional extended family where who is who to who and why is constantly a source of laughter and silliness.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Day Two of Beauty
♥Of my many traditional/untraditional roles, I am divorced, a single girl, a husband, a work wife and also affianced to another. I'm a mother of two and father of twins. I'm versatile and not confused in the least. It's beauty~full to be able to fill a role that needs filling.
♥Hugs. They simply can't be listed often enough as a beauty~full thing. Today there was a happy hug, a sad hug, a lingering hug, a hug where I drew a smile on her back during it, a sideways half hug, a hold~me~longer hug full of please let everything be okayness, a quick hug, a long distance hug, too many hugs in my heart to count and a hand hug that lasted 90ish minutes. That's a lot of hugging in just one day.
♥Saying aloud the worst thing I've done to the one person who I can handle judgment from the least, knowing I have to look him in the eye every day and expect professional as well as personal trust and belief from...and to know in my heart when he said "it's okay" that it really was. It really is. It really will be, always.
♥Hugs. They simply can't be listed often enough as a beauty~full thing. Today there was a happy hug, a sad hug, a lingering hug, a hug where I drew a smile on her back during it, a sideways half hug, a hold~me~longer hug full of please let everything be okayness, a quick hug, a long distance hug, too many hugs in my heart to count and a hand hug that lasted 90ish minutes. That's a lot of hugging in just one day.
♥Saying aloud the worst thing I've done to the one person who I can handle judgment from the least, knowing I have to look him in the eye every day and expect professional as well as personal trust and belief from...and to know in my heart when he said "it's okay" that it really was. It really is. It really will be, always.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Day One of Beauty
Today begins 30 days during which I fully intend to consistently post my Three Beauty~full Things daily.
♥An unexpected Sunday morning breakfast...me and the kids on a morning I fully expected to wake up to an empty house. Flaky biscuits with butter and honey and jam and marmalade...conversation and planning and putting Humpty Dumpty back together again.
♥42" LED PS3 COD. Oooooh, yeah!
♥Lucia. Parallel. Perfect. Lovely. Gracious. Gorgeous...and still mine.
♥An unexpected Sunday morning breakfast...me and the kids on a morning I fully expected to wake up to an empty house. Flaky biscuits with butter and honey and jam and marmalade...conversation and planning and putting Humpty Dumpty back together again.
♥42" LED PS3 COD. Oooooh, yeah!
♥Lucia. Parallel. Perfect. Lovely. Gracious. Gorgeous...and still mine.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Twenty~eleven amazingness already...
Where IS it??? Who moved the front door???
Dirty pirate hooker in my bedroom...
THE BEST sweatshirt in the whole entire world.
THE BEST bumper sticker...and I hate bumper stickers...
Love left on the asphalt:
Someone really loved their morning drink...
and I would NOT carry this cup around, no way...no how.
Too awesome.
Un chapeau:
Et un autre:
Kitty on the prowl...
...and fairy play day ;)
Just a peek. ;) Life is sweet.
Dirty pirate hooker in my bedroom...
THE BEST sweatshirt in the whole entire world.
THE BEST bumper sticker...and I hate bumper stickers...
Love left on the asphalt:
Someone really loved their morning drink...
and I would NOT carry this cup around, no way...no how.
Too awesome.
Un chapeau:
Et un autre:
Kitty on the prowl...
...and fairy play day ;)
Just a peek. ;) Life is sweet.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Oh, what a night...
I've been a momma for 919 Mondays, 919 Fridays, 919 Saturdays and 919 Sundays. 918 Tuesdays, 918 Wednesdays and 918 Thursdays. That's 6430 days total and 385800 in minutes. That's almost half of my living days on this planet.
When my babygirl came along, my purpose in life shifted. Immediately...and not subtly. I instantly had a new role, a job to do with no breaks or vacations and guaranteed heartache. There were so many new things to be aware of, alert for and sometimes terrified of. The flip side was that I was born again into a world of wonder...where magic was a part of every day and a single smile could change everything. And I mean EVERYTHING.
I've spent the majority of those 385800 minutes completely enthralled. And I really mean it when I say majority. Ashleigh went through her evil bloodthirsty baby phase and threw a single tantrum when she was two. She snuck boys over the fence when she was 13 and got into a fist fight that same year. Devin wouldn't let me put him down the entire first year of his life and learned way too quickly to be the instigator to his sister's easy to light fuse.
I've always known that I was doing a good job as a mom. I knew that my kids had great inner strength, kindness and integrity...hunger for life, for fun and for stimulation. Even when we've differed so vastly, I knew that we were from the same mold and I could trust them to be right where they were supposed to be. I'm a great advocate for making mistakes. I think that mistakes are life's only true teachers and in the making of them, we learn our boundaries...what our consciences will allow us to do and how we are willing to make other people feel.
I love being a mom more than anything else.
The June before last, I started to lose my footing. Ashleigh started to drive and all of the sudden my role changed without warning. There was new freedom for her to explore and her friends became paramount. She drove her brother wherever he needed to go and they became a tight little unit that I admired and frankly, yearned to be part of still. I would come home from work with a head full of evening plans only to find that there already were plans...and I wasn't part of them. My confidence as a parent stumbled. I grappled with how to ensure the family was nurtured as a whole while respecting their independence and giving them room to grow. This was the time frame when I made the majority of my mistakes as a parent...but I learned from those mistakes and I used them to in turn teach them. We survived. We thrived.
A year later, this past July, we hit stumbling block #2. My kids were lying to me. Consistently. At 17 and 15 1/2 I was completely unprepared and dumbstruck. I could feel every beat of my heart for five of the worst, most painful days of my life. I thought I knew them and here we were...at a complete impasse. On day six I put the power into their hands to stop lying, show me who they really were and promised nothing short of unconditional love in return for nothing less than unconditional truth. There have been times since then that I've been terribly horribly sorry for that deal. I'm sure they have been just as sorry...but I think that it was the greatest lesson of all. I believe that knowing they were accountable for telling me their truth has on more occasion than one helped them to make better choices knowing they would have to speak words about it later. Unconditional love does not mean that my job of nurturing, guiding and advising has stopped. Neither has rewarding or punishing. Sometimes even talking loudly to get my point across. But all the while, they know that in the end, they can count on my love...and I know that I know them.
My role has morphed slowly and surely as the kids grew up and continues to morph as they continue to grow. It has changed from all parent to mostly parent with the other part equally consisting of friend, mentor and confidante. A lovely, lovely mixture that makes me tear up just thinking about it. We don't have to be perfect, we just have to be authentic with one another and always respectful.
Somewhere around November, with my son approaching 16 and a 7 day cruise in our near future, I tried to loosen the role even further. I tried on a 50%/50% role. I let more behaviors go than I had before. I turned a blind eye. I joined in on things that shocked my kids. I felt so lost doing these things...even when they were fun! I felt so adrift from that strong confidence I had as a parent and I tried to wait it out. I tried to push down the discomfort and pretend that this new role was a better fit than it actually was. I was rewarded. I was called cool. I was confided in even more and all of the sudden, the kids wanted to be around me an awful lot more. I had tried to compete with their absolutely cool dad and I had held my own...hung with the big dogs.
I HATED EVERY MOMENT.
I didn't bring these precious little beings into this world to be their buddy during their adolescence. I brought them into this world to love and nurture them, to teach them and to instill love and truth and faith and trust and adventure into them. I brought them into this world to grow and attract their people to them...to create friendships and develop relationships with other people and the world around them. I brought them into the world to go out into it always knowing that they have a momma in their corner, rooting them on and dependable in her values and unconditional love and support.
I sat them down and told them that. One balked. One rejoiced. In the end, they both expressed gratitude, understanding, acceptance and in turn they each showed me in their own unique ways that they get it...they get me...they get us. We are back.
As with all great parenting moments, there is a small tingle of doubt and it's only time that reveals if your tactic and belief were as right on as you thought they were. That day was today. My kids are in big trouble with their dad for an array of offenses. They are confused. They are struggling with why their bff and drinking buddy is punishing them for breaking rules. They are bereft and railing against what feels to them like such injustice and like being stabbed in the back by their best friend.
This isn't about how superior I am or how terrible he is...but it's definitely pertinent information when it comes to what happens next...and it's super important in that it is currently sending me the message that my parenting instincts were right on.
The punishment at my house will match his. I believe in that consistency and I know without a doubt that for the lesson to stick, it has to be lived 24/7 and not wishy washy by some court ordered custody/visitation schedule. But what I believe and know with all of my heart is that my role as MOSTLY parent with the other part equally consisting of friend, mentor and confidante has assured these precious little beings of mine that the punishment is consistent with the crime and it's their momma punishing them, not their best buddy who promised during a mutual drunk to "keep it real."
I've made my mistakes, fessed up to them and fixed things when I've broken them. It's their turn...and I can't wait to see how beauty~full it's going to be. They've got a hell of an example to live up to...and I'm proud to say that the example is me!
When my babygirl came along, my purpose in life shifted. Immediately...and not subtly. I instantly had a new role, a job to do with no breaks or vacations and guaranteed heartache. There were so many new things to be aware of, alert for and sometimes terrified of. The flip side was that I was born again into a world of wonder...where magic was a part of every day and a single smile could change everything. And I mean EVERYTHING.
I've spent the majority of those 385800 minutes completely enthralled. And I really mean it when I say majority. Ashleigh went through her evil bloodthirsty baby phase and threw a single tantrum when she was two. She snuck boys over the fence when she was 13 and got into a fist fight that same year. Devin wouldn't let me put him down the entire first year of his life and learned way too quickly to be the instigator to his sister's easy to light fuse.
I've always known that I was doing a good job as a mom. I knew that my kids had great inner strength, kindness and integrity...hunger for life, for fun and for stimulation. Even when we've differed so vastly, I knew that we were from the same mold and I could trust them to be right where they were supposed to be. I'm a great advocate for making mistakes. I think that mistakes are life's only true teachers and in the making of them, we learn our boundaries...what our consciences will allow us to do and how we are willing to make other people feel.
I love being a mom more than anything else.
The June before last, I started to lose my footing. Ashleigh started to drive and all of the sudden my role changed without warning. There was new freedom for her to explore and her friends became paramount. She drove her brother wherever he needed to go and they became a tight little unit that I admired and frankly, yearned to be part of still. I would come home from work with a head full of evening plans only to find that there already were plans...and I wasn't part of them. My confidence as a parent stumbled. I grappled with how to ensure the family was nurtured as a whole while respecting their independence and giving them room to grow. This was the time frame when I made the majority of my mistakes as a parent...but I learned from those mistakes and I used them to in turn teach them. We survived. We thrived.
A year later, this past July, we hit stumbling block #2. My kids were lying to me. Consistently. At 17 and 15 1/2 I was completely unprepared and dumbstruck. I could feel every beat of my heart for five of the worst, most painful days of my life. I thought I knew them and here we were...at a complete impasse. On day six I put the power into their hands to stop lying, show me who they really were and promised nothing short of unconditional love in return for nothing less than unconditional truth. There have been times since then that I've been terribly horribly sorry for that deal. I'm sure they have been just as sorry...but I think that it was the greatest lesson of all. I believe that knowing they were accountable for telling me their truth has on more occasion than one helped them to make better choices knowing they would have to speak words about it later. Unconditional love does not mean that my job of nurturing, guiding and advising has stopped. Neither has rewarding or punishing. Sometimes even talking loudly to get my point across. But all the while, they know that in the end, they can count on my love...and I know that I know them.
My role has morphed slowly and surely as the kids grew up and continues to morph as they continue to grow. It has changed from all parent to mostly parent with the other part equally consisting of friend, mentor and confidante. A lovely, lovely mixture that makes me tear up just thinking about it. We don't have to be perfect, we just have to be authentic with one another and always respectful.
Somewhere around November, with my son approaching 16 and a 7 day cruise in our near future, I tried to loosen the role even further. I tried on a 50%/50% role. I let more behaviors go than I had before. I turned a blind eye. I joined in on things that shocked my kids. I felt so lost doing these things...even when they were fun! I felt so adrift from that strong confidence I had as a parent and I tried to wait it out. I tried to push down the discomfort and pretend that this new role was a better fit than it actually was. I was rewarded. I was called cool. I was confided in even more and all of the sudden, the kids wanted to be around me an awful lot more. I had tried to compete with their absolutely cool dad and I had held my own...hung with the big dogs.
I HATED EVERY MOMENT.
I didn't bring these precious little beings into this world to be their buddy during their adolescence. I brought them into this world to love and nurture them, to teach them and to instill love and truth and faith and trust and adventure into them. I brought them into this world to grow and attract their people to them...to create friendships and develop relationships with other people and the world around them. I brought them into the world to go out into it always knowing that they have a momma in their corner, rooting them on and dependable in her values and unconditional love and support.
I sat them down and told them that. One balked. One rejoiced. In the end, they both expressed gratitude, understanding, acceptance and in turn they each showed me in their own unique ways that they get it...they get me...they get us. We are back.
As with all great parenting moments, there is a small tingle of doubt and it's only time that reveals if your tactic and belief were as right on as you thought they were. That day was today. My kids are in big trouble with their dad for an array of offenses. They are confused. They are struggling with why their bff and drinking buddy is punishing them for breaking rules. They are bereft and railing against what feels to them like such injustice and like being stabbed in the back by their best friend.
This isn't about how superior I am or how terrible he is...but it's definitely pertinent information when it comes to what happens next...and it's super important in that it is currently sending me the message that my parenting instincts were right on.
The punishment at my house will match his. I believe in that consistency and I know without a doubt that for the lesson to stick, it has to be lived 24/7 and not wishy washy by some court ordered custody/visitation schedule. But what I believe and know with all of my heart is that my role as MOSTLY parent with the other part equally consisting of friend, mentor and confidante has assured these precious little beings of mine that the punishment is consistent with the crime and it's their momma punishing them, not their best buddy who promised during a mutual drunk to "keep it real."
I've made my mistakes, fessed up to them and fixed things when I've broken them. It's their turn...and I can't wait to see how beauty~full it's going to be. They've got a hell of an example to live up to...and I'm proud to say that the example is me!
Friday, January 7, 2011
Beauty~full things this week about BEING.
♥Being willing...willing to take a risk, take a chance, take the bull by the horns, take what I want...willing to let people give when I was ready to take...give butterflies, give assistance, give love and light, give acceptance and words and hugs and smiles and laughter and wit and camaraderie.
♥Being brave...posting that picture and to hell with being judged...only to find admiration, support, being laughed WITH and so much bonding.
♥Being still for a day. Just still.
TGIF.
♥Being brave...posting that picture and to hell with being judged...only to find admiration, support, being laughed WITH and so much bonding.
♥Being still for a day. Just still.
TGIF.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Possibility and Brilliance in twenty~eleven
As 2009 ended,
I labeled 2010 the year of Carpe Diem and Moxie.
I declare success.
In 2010, I…
fell for: TV’s Nancy Botwin, Dexter, Earl and Tara. The internet’s Claudia, Mccabe, Allison, Erin D. and Danielle. Touchable humans Nicole, Rachel B, Tj & tj, my wife’s husband, my minis over and over again, Kat and Z. Weetzie Bat and Witch Baby.
made: curry, chapatti bread, tom kha gai, sangria, a million heart shaped waffles, marinated portabella mushrooms on the grill, veggie drawer cleanout soup in the crock pot, an entire raw meal down to the flax crackers made in the dehydrator, a cake in the shape of Gossamer, fresh spring rolls, s’mores and first kiss martinis.
went to: an Italian Masque, Texas, Monterey, Elverta, Caribou, Berkeley, Six Flags, San Francisco, Wilbur Road, an Outlaws game, the Gallagher’s July Party, my baby momma's wedding, Miami, Cozumel, Grand Cayman, Jamaica and Seattle…finally…Seattle.
saw: Floater, Counting Crows, Augustana, Ma Muse, The Weepies, Dave Matthews Band, Tainted Love while dressed in full on 80’s duds and last but not least Tony Swanson in the living room…best show of all.
tried: special rice crispy treats, gardening (not for special baking), being off work and a caregiver for 30 whole days, 7 months of living vegan then vegetarian then pescatarian then pollo-vegetarian then semi-vegetarian then just fucking eating what I’m comfortable with and to hell with labels, quitting my job but was promoted instead, saving money then spent it all, being more like that guy but decided I like me just fine.
heralded: chickens in a coop, daffodils, sailboatlessness, the 16th as the first of the month and my bday as the beginning of a new year, the rental dog, Devin’s driving permit, energy efficient windows on the house, a great big fridge, Netflix live streaming and babygirl’s senior year of high school.
decided to: change up the rules, push the boundaries, define my integrity, stop at one kiss, give give give and give some more, smile and believe in possibilities.
2009 was brutal and made turning inward so very tempting…to be safe and to avoid the hurt that comes with taking chances. 2010 needed to be all about taking chances…and it was. 2010 was cut the cords to the safety net, pull down the walls, live out loud and trust that the hurt will be worth the eventual loveliness. And it was. Moxie and Carpe Diem, balls-to-the-wall laughter, adventure and smiles that went on for days on end. It was about chances…some that paid off and some that fell flat with a resounding thud that echoed and seriously made me giggle. Failure was redefined in 2010.
2011, your name is Possibility and your middle name is Brilliance. You are going to be all about newness and solutions to any possible obstacle…real or imaginary. You will embody creativity and love and doing and being present. You are going to take what 2010 started and blow it up in Technicolor rays of light that can’t be ignored or suppressed. You are going to change it all, shake it all up and be smug when it settles and I look around with an amazed expression and a sotto voce “yesss…” You will deserve to be smug…and I’m looking forward to chaos and light and love and laughter and learning and challenge and catharsis.
Be brilliant, 2011…blind me.
I can hardly wait.
I labeled 2010 the year of Carpe Diem and Moxie.
I declare success.
In 2010, I…
fell for: TV’s Nancy Botwin, Dexter, Earl and Tara. The internet’s Claudia, Mccabe, Allison, Erin D. and Danielle. Touchable humans Nicole, Rachel B, Tj & tj, my wife’s husband, my minis over and over again, Kat and Z. Weetzie Bat and Witch Baby.
made: curry, chapatti bread, tom kha gai, sangria, a million heart shaped waffles, marinated portabella mushrooms on the grill, veggie drawer cleanout soup in the crock pot, an entire raw meal down to the flax crackers made in the dehydrator, a cake in the shape of Gossamer, fresh spring rolls, s’mores and first kiss martinis.
went to: an Italian Masque, Texas, Monterey, Elverta, Caribou, Berkeley, Six Flags, San Francisco, Wilbur Road, an Outlaws game, the Gallagher’s July Party, my baby momma's wedding, Miami, Cozumel, Grand Cayman, Jamaica and Seattle…finally…Seattle.
saw: Floater, Counting Crows, Augustana, Ma Muse, The Weepies, Dave Matthews Band, Tainted Love while dressed in full on 80’s duds and last but not least Tony Swanson in the living room…best show of all.
tried: special rice crispy treats, gardening (not for special baking), being off work and a caregiver for 30 whole days, 7 months of living vegan then vegetarian then pescatarian then pollo-vegetarian then semi-vegetarian then just fucking eating what I’m comfortable with and to hell with labels, quitting my job but was promoted instead, saving money then spent it all, being more like that guy but decided I like me just fine.
heralded: chickens in a coop, daffodils, sailboatlessness, the 16th as the first of the month and my bday as the beginning of a new year, the rental dog, Devin’s driving permit, energy efficient windows on the house, a great big fridge, Netflix live streaming and babygirl’s senior year of high school.
decided to: change up the rules, push the boundaries, define my integrity, stop at one kiss, give give give and give some more, smile and believe in possibilities.
2009 was brutal and made turning inward so very tempting…to be safe and to avoid the hurt that comes with taking chances. 2010 needed to be all about taking chances…and it was. 2010 was cut the cords to the safety net, pull down the walls, live out loud and trust that the hurt will be worth the eventual loveliness. And it was. Moxie and Carpe Diem, balls-to-the-wall laughter, adventure and smiles that went on for days on end. It was about chances…some that paid off and some that fell flat with a resounding thud that echoed and seriously made me giggle. Failure was redefined in 2010.
2011, your name is Possibility and your middle name is Brilliance. You are going to be all about newness and solutions to any possible obstacle…real or imaginary. You will embody creativity and love and doing and being present. You are going to take what 2010 started and blow it up in Technicolor rays of light that can’t be ignored or suppressed. You are going to change it all, shake it all up and be smug when it settles and I look around with an amazed expression and a sotto voce “yesss…” You will deserve to be smug…and I’m looking forward to chaos and light and love and laughter and learning and challenge and catharsis.
Be brilliant, 2011…blind me.
I can hardly wait.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Three beauty~full quotes +1...about family...
♥The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof. ~Richard Bach
♥We must take care of our families, wherever we find them. ~Elizabeth Gilbert
♥The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together. ~Erma Bombeck
♥ ♥ ♥ On a few occasions in life, I have fallen into family that I was not born into and have been blessed beyond measure by this...changed and lifted and oh so grateful. ~me ♥ ♥ ♥
♥We must take care of our families, wherever we find them. ~Elizabeth Gilbert
♥The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together. ~Erma Bombeck
♥ ♥ ♥ On a few occasions in life, I have fallen into family that I was not born into and have been blessed beyond measure by this...changed and lifted and oh so grateful. ~me ♥ ♥ ♥
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