Monday, November 24, 2014


I want more twirling, glee filled enthusiastic bursts of carefree abandonment and complete presence in the bubbly~ness of the moment.

I want to balance that with an overarching ability to be more grounded and calm, to be more deeply connected to those around me. Roots, intertwined and making us stronger.

I want to make sure I am taking time to be awed and to be magical.

I want a broad shouldered sexy man with a lopsided grin who knows himself backward and forward and is not afraid to give of himself.

I want breath on the back of my neck in the wee hours of the morning that wakes me in a state of honor, bliss and anticipation.

I want my home to be more self sufficient both in care and cost so that I might be freer to roam.

I want to walk...walk...and walk some more...The Camino, Turkey, Scotland...and dancing at every destination my feet carry me to.

I want remembering...the deep kind that channels through me and gives my loves wings upon which to leave me and return at will. The remembering that allows us to be settled and confident in each journey.

I want the abundant self love that allows me to take the time and money to only nourish this body with what it truly needs from the inside out.

I want to respond to my four legged family's hopeful eyes with more leash time that earns me this inspirational love and loyalty they freely give so that I might be more like them.

I want a career detour that includes gathering and teaching and the patience for those details to work themselves out because right at this moment, the only knowing I have is that I have things to share that are worth sharing and a heart that is wide open ready for it.

I want restful nights, journal time, star gazing, giggles and circling with sister souls and joyful moments that stretch into days and months.

I want insular foggy mornings, salt water baths, cucumber mint water in mason jars, puddles and Wellies, rain that washes me clean and steamy mirrors to quench and blur the lines between my body of water and all others.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

For My Dad this Veteran's Day

If I could be with you today, it would be on a bench in a space specifically set aside, tended to and nurtured as a memorial. There would be a flag. There would be enough wind so that as we sat silently, we could hear its fabric song flapping softly.

I would hold your hand in both of mine, cradled in my lap. I would wonder where your thoughts were but wouldn’t burden you with my need to know. I would sit with you silently wondering how difficult your time serving our country was and how you managed to survive. I would be glad to hold you in that moment and be satisfied with the possibility of even a split second of peace in your soul that might come from that connection.

I wouldn’t be sure if my words should be that of thanks or apology so I would sit silently. I would wait for a cue or a sign or a sigh that might tell me which direction to go. I would hope to be a reprieve. To be a safe place. To be a confidante. To be brave enough to hear what you would finally share, knowing that I would gladly assume some of your burden if there was any possible way. I would hope that there was some sense to be made of your sacrifices.

I would send all of that to you through such a simple touch…and in that moment, everything would be okay.

It wouldn’t be a celebration, but it would be a beginning. I most mourn the loss of those beginnings.

Friday, October 24, 2014

Just Breathe...

I occasionally fall into a trap. The comparison trap. I'm on track toward a goal...any goal...and someone I'm connected to is on the same track. Maybe steps beyond me or steps behind. Maybe we vacillate. At times I feel like a coach and other times I feel like a slacker. Ouch. Sometimes I feel like a failure and the self recrimination becomes a demon that haunts my every decision. Comparison is so counterproductive. Even when I'm in the steps beyond camp, I struggle with feelings of superiority...knowing on a gut level that "sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind...the race is long, and in the end it's only with yourself" (Mary Schmich, Chicago Tribune, 1997) and that superiority merely causes breaks in connection which is the exact opposite of how I want to live this life.

So I regroup. Right now, in one goal, I am behind where I wish I was. I am beyond where I thought I would be. In comparison to those on my same journey, I struggle with judging their methods and goals. Judging...along with superiority become comparison's evil henchmen.

Here's where I am today. I woke up and it was foggy. ~sigh~ I love fog. I put on appropriate clothing and walked a couple of miles in the fog. Soaking it in, being fully present and insulated. Being held gently by one of the earth's amazing water tricks. I met my own methods and goals in that naturally meditative space. My goals don't tend to have numbers or letters or any measurable outcome. My goals are 100% totally and completely about feeling.

Succulent, Awed, Magical, Magnetic, Deeply Connected. Every day in every way.

Fitness? Succulent in my clothes, deeply connected to my body...not a body I happen to have but one I inhabit in a deeply connected feeling way. That requires hydration, restful sleep, meditation, pure nourishment and movement...pushing, pulling, lifting, running, dancing, skipping, walking. It requires I push my body in ways that allow me to feel it not only as I'm doing it but days after. I'm not about a number on a scale, a number on a tag or inches on a tape. I'm about being in this body passionately.

My career? Awed by my fellow humans. Magical to those who come to me for perspective and healing. Magnetic to those who crave my natural gifts. Deeply connected to a commitment to my fellow beings in all of their forms.

My world? Awed. Aware of my magical deep connection to all of our planet and mother nature's natural gifts.

My people? All of it. Succulent, I want to nourish them. Awed...I want to be soulfully nourished BY them. Magical...I want to practice being present in ways that transcend the obvious reality. Magnetic...I want to only be in the presence of those with whom the attraction is mutual and learn to let the others find their own other pole. Deeply connected...I want to wind my roots around and share those vital nutrients with others, becoming stronger naturally through this more superficiality or avoidance.

My goals are mine. They are not superior or inferior to any other person's. There is no universal yardstick and I am truly never ahead or behind any other person. The race I am in with myself is not only long, it is infinite. The only possible measurement is how committed I remained on any given day to staying true to those feelings.

Today has infinite possibilities and I am grateful to the fog for the space to remember these things.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Ain't it, baby.

Ten years ago this past July 31st, we met. We knew each other well by that time, but on that night, we met. Completely. It was a meeting that neither of us expected and certainly weren't prepared for in the least. It was fantastic and it felt so...forever. Immediately, forever.

Ten years later, I know in every cell of my being that things happened just as they were supposed to...with the love and the light and the pain and the dark. I know that our agreement was to love, learn and enrich one another's lives and hearts. There was healing to be done and lessons meant to be mastered. You were meant to teach me to embrace fun and easy while I was meant to show you the safety of deep and meaningful.

We did it. There were late Saturday nights after dancing for hours fueled only by round after round of tequila and laughter. There were trips with long naps after hours upon hours of lovemaking followed by beach picnics and bar hopping for that last hour before closing. There was hand holding and whispers, gazes and words of love. There were moments of connection so unbelievably tangible and kisses that brought butterflies and mutual dreams to life.

We bungled it. We taught each other that those lessons came with pain. The fun and ease came with shattered trust buried under piles of lies and deception. The deep and meaningful came with the willingness to take it all away.

We did what we did because we were who we were. We moved apart and together so many times that there is no number capable of capturing it accurately. We hurt one another. We hurt ourselves.

Ten years later, I asked my soul how to proceed. We've used up our chances. The pain has overcome the love, the agreements, the hope, the lessons. I'm not afraid of being separate from you any longer. I'm not afraid of letting you down. I'm not afraid of anything, actually. I know that we've done too much damage and that we have nothing left to learn from one another. I know these things. I know that my future holds lessons but I also know that we are no longer each other's teachers.

We ended ten years after we started, to the day. I felt it, like the absence of the itch when a wound has completely healed.

We are free.

Monday, September 15, 2014

Sweet relief

Things changed in my world in February. A change I could roll with, a change that loyalty required I grin and bear. A change that would necessitate the development of the mantra "help for so many, you can do this." I have lived it fully...with all of the challenges and triumphs that were part of the journey.

I finally understand people who leave their 9-5 six figure a year job to work at Starbucks.

The things I have learned in the past few months are this:

First: just because you're good or great at something does not mean that you should do it and do it and do it...especially exclusively. Imagine this concept in regard to a muscle. If you knew that your biceps were your best muscle and you directed all of your attention to them, you would end up with huge beautifully defined biceps on a body that doesn't match. Other muscles would wither and atrophy. Some would compensate but compensating is so far from the equal attention they deserve and, quite frankly, require to create a healthy and balanced human being.

Second: if your integrity does not line up with how you're being asked to do something, the cost is too high. You pay for this in pieces of your self-worth. On a soul level, when this happens, destructive compensation measures kick in. Your you-ness erodes and you hardly recognize the person behind the behaviors, habits, thoughts and fears.

Third: you are the only one responsible for understanding and supporting all of this. I'm a big fan of "ask for what you need" but I also follow that with "be okay with no as an answer" and when that answer is no, allow yourself to respond authentically. Knowing how, when and where to seek a beginning of an end is crucial. Doing so with grace is a must...and a gift.

So...change is rolling in like a fog or a marine layer...but when it lifts or dissipates, everything will be in sharp relief again. Relief AND relief. ~sigh~

Succulent? Magical? Magnetic? Awed? Deeply connected? Oh, yes.

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Mother's Day, The first day of the rest of our relationship.

It's Mother's Day. I feel vaguely ambivalent...and it is devastating me. I know at some point, I will see my babies and we will spend 5 minutes or 5 hours together and it will be all that I could wish for. That part of Mother's Day is easy.

It's the having a mother part that is hard for me. My whole life, it's been a holiday whose approach I dread. The cards? They are all about "always there for me" and "helped me be the strong woman I am" etc, etc, etc. It's not that I disagree with any of those sentiments, per se. My mother was always there for me. She did help me become the strong woman I am. I do love her immensely. But there is still a bitter sting attached to the hows. There is a shit ton of garbage from the past that isn't decomposing on it's own. And it should have by now, if it was going to..with all of the time and pretending it doesn't exist that we have perfected into an art.

I'm 42. I'm lucky to have a mother. She's been through some health crises that scared us both and I can't even begin to imagine a world without her. I absolutely love her. I would do anything for her. I also know that there isn't a single thing she can do about the past...and she couldn't apologize in a way that would be more meaningful, heartfelt and genuine than the thousands of times she has before.

It confuses me so grieviously that I can be grateful and loving toward her and still hurt so tremendously over the past. It's affecting our relationship...and there is sadly not a damn thing she can do about it. The burden is on me. I'm the one who has to do something. I'm the one who has to do the deep soul work to release this shit. It's just so necessary, so beyond its time and did I mention so fucking scary? It's almost as if still being resentful keeps her in line...keeps her from becoming complacent and possibly repeating the past because she got off easy. Easy. Ha. It can't be easy by any stretch of the imagination to be on the other side of this relationship.

Today, my momma is loving and patient. She's funny, generous, thoughtful and kind...but she's sad a lot and I don't know how to help her with her sadness when I carry this terrible burden of resentment squarely between us. That makes her sadder.

Her Mother's Day gift this year is going to be that I'm done pretending. I'm done waiting for that magical moment when the piles of hurt from the past disappear on their own. My gift to my mother, to myself, to my kids and to all of those around me who see how I carry and defend my resentments is that I'm going to do something about it.

Starting today...despite how scary it is, I start where I can...peeking at it as much as possible. It starts with me and it starts today. It starts with an "I'm sorry" for waiting so long and that I'm so unbelievably grateful that the opportunity still exists.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

The One That Got Away

Dear The One Who Got Away,

It kind of sounds like I had you shackled in my basement, doesn't it?

You are my "One That Got Away" not because you were my great love or because there was some amazing future to be had by us as a couple. You are my "One That Got Away" because YOU left ME. That was a first for me. Confusing. Humbling. Ridiculous. And you left me for HER. Pfft.

I'm writing you this love letter to say thank you. Thank you for getting away. Thank you for leaving me. Thank you for leaving me for HER.

I needed some humbling. I needed some lessons. I needed a great opportunity to handle myself with grace and class. With your loving behavior through those worst of times, I emerged able to hold my head up high.

Fifteen years later, the lessons are so clear. Fifteen years later, I'm still able to smile about the time together without there being a pallor dulling things down even one notch.

Dear The One Who Got Away, I know you loved me with all you had in you back then. I know you followed your heart and it's taught me to trust...instead of the opposite. I trust everyone, all the time. I trust for a multitude of other reasons but also I trust that people will do what is right for them in the moment. I trust that I attract strong people who are capable of hurting someone else if it's the best choice in the long run. I trust that when we peaked, it was good. It was the kind of good that brings back a smile fifteen years later.

I didn't learn to run and shut down when you did the loving thing and let me go. I learned that sometimes, no matter how hard I want something, the intuitive level must be trusted.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Love Letter to a Lime Tree

Dear Keffir Lime Tree,

I want you to know that you are where you are ON PURPOSE. I thought about you. I researched you. I called and arranged your delivery. I picked you up and nestled you into my car. After all of that, I delivered you and lovingly placed you into a new set of hands. You'll be cared for well. Very well. You will be fed and watered and admired. There will be worms and mulch and I couldn't do it better myself. You will be useful and you will bring joy.

You represent to me my ability to rise above circumstance. You proved to me that I am capable of letting go. You showed me that I can be completely unselfish and not be attached to an outcome...but that I can imagine and celebrate something that I won't have even a slight glimpse of. Something that for so long was tainted.

I sent you to a place to be with a person I can't be a place that needed to stop having any meaning at all to me. I sent you to grow and fulfill your greatest potential, whatever it is. I sent you because I need to believe in potential.

Your purpose is already fulfilled.

The rest is bonus.

Thank you.

Monday, April 28, 2014

Love letter to me

I am participating in 40 days of Love Letter writing. Today's prompt is to write a love letter to yourself. Here goes...

Dear Tara,

I hope you take a moment in your favorite reality to read this. Brew some hibiscus tea. Put on fuzzy socks. Turn on some Sinead Lohan. Burn some incense and turn on the twinkle lights. You're pretty cool, you know.

You've been through a lot lately. Big changes. Adjustments of enormous proportions. It was kind of nice to see you finally lose your shit over the past few weeks. It's even nicer to see you balanced and twirling again. Hopeful. Optimistic.

You're kind of in a pickle these days with work and home and all those changes and adjustments. I heard a quote today that made me think of your situation. "It isn't easy but it IS simple." I see you working your way back to simple and I have to say that after all of these years knowing you, simple really really works for you. I'm rooting for you to get there, to simple again.

You are pretty, intelligent, fun and funny. You're a loyal friend and so very aware of your baggage. You're considerate and you have pretty good morals. Your baggage gets in your own way sometimes and at times you are curt or overly abrupt as a result...but you're extremely reliable for knowing when you're doing it and calling it what it is. When you're ready to be a bit softer, there are people waiting to get closer to you. In your own time, love. In your own time.

You worked very hard for the career you have, and it's inspiring to see how you took your natural gifts and found a way to have someone hand over money for it. Stop thinking you're tricking them, what you do has great value. I called them gifts because that is exactly what they give so much and it comes from a deep well of specialness that is there because of who you are. Trust it. Trust it more. Trust it always.

There isn't much room in a love letter to tell you things that you need to change...but love isn't all about what is right and perfect. Sometimes love is about saying that tough thing that needs to be said. So here goes. I know you've been a little lonely lately. I know you cry. I know you want. I also know that you're a little scared...for good reason. But the tough truth is that you will continue to be lonely until you decide to stop being scared. People will lie, people will be insensitive, people will be selfish. But you're people too, and you do those things also. You want to be loved and brought in do they. I told you earlier that there are people waiting to get close to you and it's perfectly fine to do it in your own time...but I see you suffering. I have to ask: what will it take for your want to be stronger than your fear? Can you start small? Can you start now? You can handle ANYTHING. Take some chances. I've got your back. Delve into your reasons, I'll catch you.

On that note, with that one area as an exception, you are resourceful, imaginative, creative and adventurous beyond belief.

Go get em, Tiger.

PS. Spend more time in fuzzy socks.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Sunday's Beauty

~a better hair day...and plans for an adventurous one coming up real soon!

~hot water, fresh ginger & local honey. Amazeballs.

~turning the alarm off...sleeping in tomorrow is on the agenda!

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Saturday's Beauty

~rain. rain is so romantic.

~laughter. in the movie theater, LOUD.

~a good hair day.

Friday, April 25, 2014

Friday's Beauty

~A Friday that felt like a Saturday. A lazy Saturday.

~Money. Getting it, giving it, saving it, spending it...buying local honey with my money!

~Getting to cradle a little developing human with only a layer of momma between her kicks and my hand.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Wednesday sucked, so Thursday gets SIX beauty~full things!

~Blueberry pomegranate vinaigrette. Seriously taste buds say it is so!

~Having a shirt in my work wardrobe that lives up to it's name "the disco shirt" and all the great smiles, compliments and conversation it evokes!

~The complete change in my attitude about exercise over the past couple of months. I now have moves that are my favorites!

~My babygirl napping in my bed.

~My babyboy doing something that he's always wanted to but was slightly out of his grasp...doing it on his own, in his own way and ROCKING it.

~70s lite rock. Elton will always have my heart. Always and forever.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Tuesday's Beauty

~Morning routine morphing with the seasons, now including watering the in hand and furbabies at my flip-flop ensconced feet. No more slippers.

~Doing the kind of giving work that comes from the heart and helps, bit by bit.

~Running (NEVER thought I'd EVER say that). Marking my time and anticipating the day when that number changes.

Monday, April 21, 2014

Monday's Beauty

~This damn cat that I didn't bank on...didn't plan on...wasn't sure I had physical or heart space for...the same cat who HUGS MY HEAD WITH IT'S WHOLE BODY while I sleep. Oh, the cuteness is just killing me. I woke up all warm and fuzzy. BEST way to start a Monday!

~Working with my fitness partner, lunching with my best girl and my momma bringing me a lifesaving care package at work.

~THE CARROTS SPROUTED! This gardening business is full of daily surprises and fun Fun FUN!!!

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Sunday's Beauty

~Waking slowly. Taking time then taking THE WHOLE DAY just to be still and quiet and to refuel.

~House, MD. Addicted.

~Finding that the radishes have sprouted! And the kale! C'mon carrots!!!

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Saturday's Beauty

~Coffee. Strong. Hazelnut. Mmmmmm...

~Taking the day as it came, in a magical place where magical things happen if you let them.

~7.5 miles on my bike, some uphill...some I had to walk...but all a joy. Across the Golden Gate Bridge and then a ferry ride back on choppy seas so close to Alcatraz.

One more just for the hell of it...

~Coming home to clean sheets ready to be put on the bed, a whole body gratifying soreness and the long forgotten excitement of having to drop film off to have it developed...the delayed gratification and feeling of prolonging a great weekend...more magic.

Friday's Beauty

~A lovely workday. Busy, productive, helpful.

~A misunderstanding that worked out just fine.

~A road trip to the most magical city I know. Car, feet, trolley, taxi...hills and architecture...people and laughter...sushi and saki that lasted til midnight...calling it a day in the cutest hotel room ever.

Thursday's Beauty

~Boundaries. Sometimes you have to admit the monster under the bed has questionable intentions and spray that Monster-be-gone. Heavily and with purpose!

~Taking time for me....and my absence being noted. Remembering later that the gym IS a place to take time for me and vowing to go Go GO there even if I'm afraid the physical exertion might be that thing that releases the emotional pressure valve. I can cry and release WHILE running and squatting and burpee-ing!

~Titanic. Love that movie. Emotions, released.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Wednesday and Beauty~full Connections

Three beauty~full things about my day today...a day off of work and obligation. A day of freedom.

~Rising before the sun, cooking for my babygirl before she headed off to her JOB...her great big JOB. Doing the mom thing that feels so nourishing to me as well as to her. Handing her a vitamin too...feeling important, knowledgeable and needed.

~Hiking with my babyboy's love. A mountain top, flowers, cows, jokes, sweat, conversation, waterfalls and open sky. A shaded picnic of beef jerky, watermelon and dark chocolate covered goji berries. I missed her as soon as she left. I bragged about it for aeons to my babyboy later and reveled in his happiness that we did this thing together.

~Wine, complaining and great conversation with my favorite witch. Safe space. Acceptance. Appreciation. Lovely.

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Just today...

Yesterday was a porcupine day, as you can probably tell without reading between any lines. I felt like I was trying my hardest to make my way...smooth and ambling...and then I would get poked. UP would go the quills and I'd grit my teeth, close my eyes and concentrate...willing them back down. Sometimes successful. All the time stressful.

Sharing how I was feeling, I was wisely instructed to pay attention to porcupine medicine.

I found this:

"Prickly, stickly, do not push
Into my life without consent.
Unasked advice has no price.
Control is not good intent."


Innocence, Wonder

The Porcupine has very powerful medicine:
that of faith and trust.
You can move mountains with these powers.

A Porcupine totem reminds you not
to get caught in the chaos of the world,
where fear, greed and suffering are commonplace.

Its medicine is relief from the seriousness of life.
Open your heart to those things that gave you joy as a child;
remember fantasy and imagination
and bring into your life again.

I followed that advice today. There has been too much helplessness and hopelessness lately surrounding things I simply can't walk away from...not just yet, at least.

Today I joined a group of new faces for a hike in a place I've never been. I rescued a bat! It was amazing! I took my time on a project, being technical and precise and finding joy in the outcome. I laid on a blanket under the sun and thought about nothing of any importance. I did a kind thing for someone on a whim. Then I went swimming. Just me. For hours on end...just doing my own thing. Somersaults. Handstands, floating, diving...pushing the limits of my lungs...and I even made funny hairdos. I got a little sunburned. It was worth it. Totally!

Tomorrow I get to do do whatever I want AGAIN! I booked a massage! Then the day is wide open to me.

I feel very much less quills-up and I am going to do my very best to carry this feeling with me.

Moreover, I'm going to have faith and trust in ME...and if it's time to walk away, no mountains of shoulds will get in my way.

Friday, March 21, 2014

What I know, today...

I seem to have lost my filter today.

I don't want your conditional presence.

I don't want to pretend the elephant is not in the middle of the room.

I don't want to change who I am to fit your needs.

I don't want to care about the judgement I feel you doling out.

I don't want a friendship that stops at some line in the sand.

I don't want expectations that you're not willing to tell me about outright.

I don't want to reveal my vulnerability and have you poke it.

I don't want to worry at all, ever, about any of this superficial shit.

So, for those of you whom I love but found yourself completely baffled today wondering what the fuck just happened and why the response you were expecting was so different, there's your reason. No punches were pulled today. Some almost got thrown.

I'm not ashamed to say I have days like this.

Tomorrow? It's me on my feet and on my bike under the sunny sky and on the trails. There's no room for pretense there.

And the day after that? I'll be back in love with you and we'll be okay. My edges will be softened and I promise to not make you bleed.

But for now, maintain a perimeter.

For both our sakes.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Welcoming Spring with Beauty & Bliss

Three beauty~full things about my day today:

~Getting glad in the same pants I got mad in. My babygirl is 20. She's in a transition place right now in her life, it's lovely. It's not lovely when she sleeps in until 11 when I know there are things that she should be doing...some things that she said she would do for me. Today, she snapped at me and we ended a phone conversation with abruptness on both of our parts...unusual for us. I fumed. I breathed. I took care of the items on that mental to-do list I thought she should be getting after that were, in actuality, mine to do. I did my own thing and had a great morning. There was still a lot on my mind. I admire that girl more than she could possibly imagine. This transition place that she's in? It's HERS. That mental to-do list? She is the only one who should be adding items. This is her time to figure out this next little bit of her identity and her life. Her abruptness reminded me that I'm trying to do too much. I'm trying to guide and influence more than I should. She doesn't need a boss or a life coach. She needs a mom and a friend. Message received. Lovingly. Wholeheartedly. We ended up spending time together that was priceless.

~Being a master of EVERYTHING that I touched today. I brought a dead electric lawnmower that was headed for the landfill back to life today...with maximum assistance from Google. There was splicing and bypassing and it all amazingly turned out perfect! I fixed a broken wheelbarrow. I did yardwork. I built a gopher-proof (I hope) garden box. I worked a little more on the garden fence. I rocked my Crossfit workout. I made Thai lettuce wraps that were refreshing and delicious. Last night I even installed a new, locking mailbox for my momma...complete with cutting and installing a new wooden platform. (I didn't, however, find who stole my favorite pen at work.)

~Time for me. After feeling so amazing in my relationship with my babygirl, so good about my day and the contentedness of a belly full of healthy food eaten in the company of my two favorite Geminii, here I sit. Writing. With a mug of sleepytime tea, a minty clay mask on my face and my feet soaking. Bliss.

"Life has its own hidden forces which you can only discover by living." ~Soren Kierkegaard

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Never a dull moment when you're around...

Dear Change,

Hey buddy. It's amazing how you keep such a low profile for so long...only subtly entering into the conversation or situation. How you make magical, amazing things happen and there are smiles, laughter and celebrations but little to no credit. But. Then the opposite occurs with all of the mysterious, scary things and you are solely to blame. Cliches are tossed about. Change is hard. Change is scary. Everybody hates Change. At this time, you're met with dread and resistance...sometimes the kind that involves kicking and screaming.

Well, when you started knocking on my door recently, I reacted with a low key version of the kicking and screaming...more like fancy footwork and whispering my truth into attentive ears. Turns out my truth differs from yours...and today you lost your patience with me...forcing the issue. I was pretty angry with you. You were certainly scary despite how kind and gentle you presented. There was even laughter. Laughter. Clever, Change. Sneaky, actually. Diabolical, even. At one point, I felt like you won...and tears of defeat welled up in my eyes. I continued balking.

Then I remembered how not too long ago, I tempted your bedmate, Fate. I remembered stating out loud that this Change was coming. I remembered claiming it. Proudly. With conviction. It appears that I have manifested this, and you're not to blame at all, Change.

This is my gratitude.

Tomorrow, the celebration.



Sunday, March 16, 2014

Do it or don't do it...

Today was a day of doing what was important first.

I was at work, fighting to remain present...struggling to take things seriously...barely concentrating on what was right in front of me. Then the headache started. I gave in. I recognized what was important. I went home and gave my mind and body what it was demanding. Sleep. Sound, heavy sleep. I took my work phone home for emergencies but I honestly don't know if I could have possibly heard it from that far away place I was visiting.

Then my babygirl showed up. Earlier than expected and asking for some momma time. Have I mentioned much about this little gem that calls me Momma? Probably not, like not saying your birthday wish out loud before blowing out the candles or that wish you make on a star...speaking it aloud feels like tempting the fates to do the opposite. I shy away from talking about her because of how AMAZING we are together at this stage of the game. Suffice it to say that at 20 years old, she seeks out spending time together doing crazyfun things or doing absolutely nothing. Bliss.

We went out for food...the kind that nourishes your cells and soul. We picked up a movie. We cuddled up on the couch and promptly fell asleep again. There was work to do. There is always tomorrow.

So, the movie is over and there is time to write...all I could think about when I sat here were all the travel destinations I'd rather look up than write tonight. So, I did. I looked and I dreamed. I found the perfect place to host a creative weekend getaway for my tribe...and I'm mentally planning it.

In the spirit of accountability, I told my group that there was no writing tonight. I was held gently in a space obviously meant to nurture me and remind me to go easy on myself.

“The Principle of Priority states (a) you must know the difference between what is urgent and what is important, and (b) you must do what’s important first.” ~Steven Pressfield

I did what was important first.

Then the writing came.

Off to bed.


Friday, March 14, 2014

Thug life

Thursday night, I was amped up. Hair in a ponytail, sunglasses on, windows down, music up loud and probably driving a little too fast. I was headed to a Crossfit workout that was sure to hand my ass to me and I was riding high on anticipation.

I pulled up behind my son's best friend who was stopped in his truck at a stop sign with his girlfriend riding shotgun. This kid personifies down home witty America like no other...and his sense of humor is fun to play with. So, I did. I honked. He flipped me off and I did it back with both hands, laughing out loud. He turned right. I turned the same direction. He was driving ridiculously slow and flipped me off again when I easily caught up with him. It crossed my mind that he might not recognize me...times have changed and things have changed...mainly and quite importantly, the very car I drive. The road was wide so I pulled off to the right to pass him ( illegal) and he floored it, yelling something incomprehensible but sure to be extremely colorful. We quickly ran out of road and I wasn't letting off. He did. I pulled in front of him. More hand gestures on his part and me laughing maniacally at this point...he was SO MAD!!! A couple of miles later, he's driving normal a few cars back and all is calm. I realize that I have his mother's Farberware butcher knife still sitting on my dash from a separate incident a couple of weeks prior. We approach a stop sign. He pulls next to me. Grinning my consiprational grin, I pause the music and hold the butcher knife in my fist...where he can see it clearly through the open window.


Not him.

Girlish screams prevail followed by a high pitched accusation that I am a crackhead before he burned rubber and was out of sight in no time flat.


I haven't stopped laughing since.

I'm laughing RIGHT NOW.

I removed some distinctive items from my car and I'm keeping a low profile. I truly feel bad for this guy who obviously needed to go home and change his undies. But I can't stop laughing at how OUT OF CHARACTER this whole thing was for me and how hilarious it seems to me.

Never a dull moment...

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Where my demons hide

I love to write. I love to imagine and create and edit and pull others into a reality I spin just for them...and me.

I love the jolt of fear that courses through me when someone tells me they have read or are reading what I write. It comes with the territory...I have a blog. It's public. I'm a word exhibitionist. There's no room for fear in this place. So, the fear fades quickly and my demons recede. My demon. Singular. The one from my past. The one who took a red pen to the journal he found nestled beneath my mattress. The one who said that you're either born with a talent or not...and I should go to nursing school since I was obviously in the not in the born with it camp. When I was first paid for my writing, I kept waiting for them to realize their see me for the fraud I was and pull out of the deal.

They didn't pull out of the deal and the red pen is long gone. I didn't go to nursing school and I most certainly AM a writer.

I write from the heart and it binds my heart to those who are my kindreds. I want YOU to be my kindred. When I fall in love with your heart, your smile, your words, your path with all of its struggles and triumphs, it becomes supremely important for it to be a mutual falling. I want to laugh and cry over how amazing it is to connect with one another. It doesn't matter to me if it's over one story or poem or blog post or facebook status or if it is something that develops into hunger for more.

Let's fall.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014


I'm so ready for something.

I wish I knew what it was. It feels important.

I'm so committed to living from the center of a wide open heart.

I don't care if I seem cheesy or silly...if I don't fit into the norms or if I'm too far into your personal space. I don't care about much of anything other than soaking it ALL in. ALL OF IT. ALL THE TIME. I don't care if you're mean and I'm not afraid of ridicule or rejection. If I'm living my life my way, there is no wrong way to do it.

I'm open to suggestion. Overt. Subtle. Whatever works. I'll take a mint. I'll take a hint. I'll move on and I'll fuck up and I'll say I'm sorry with words and with my eyes and with every atom of my being. I'll appreciate you and I'll forget your birthday. But I will love you. And I will love you something fierce.

I lost my pretense somewhere along the way. I hope whoever finds it tosses it aside. It's heavy...heavier than any human trying to connect with another could possibly handle.

I'm ready for something.

I think I know how I got here. It wasn't easy.

I was so committed to making everyone else happy...and that's a fool's errand.

I tried to mitigate and minimize and find the silver lining each and every time. It was all pretend, and everyone knew it but me. I tried to pretend it into reality. I cared about everyone else's needs and wants and possible reactions or feelings about ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING. I spent so very much energy formulating preemptive strikes.

Then I gave up. I gave in to the fact that everyone gets to feel their own feelings on their own time...make their own mistakes when mistakes were called for. I let go of ownership and was repaid with appreciation...which was opposite of what my common sense told me would happen.

Relationships are mended. Mending. Evolving. There is kindness where animosity was the only norm for many years. There is acceptance. Radical acceptance. There is a dance...a slow dance where partners twirl away and only return when the steps are choreographed to be so.

I love to dance.

I'm so ready for something.

Maybe it's dancing.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Pain and Panic

There's a cat. Sitting there, probably half dreading and half longing to meet me.

I'm a little afraid there will be a mutual falling back in love when I finally get in there.

One week ago, the SPCA called me. They had my cat. Problem with that is: I don't have a cat. I do now.

In 2008, I adopted one cat and fostered another to help our new kitty who was too young to be alone. A training wheel kitty, if you will. A wingman. A co-worker met her and she ended up going to live with their family once her job with our kitty was done. I haven't seen this girl since 2008. I was told she died.

Then the SPCA called and said that they had my cat.

I posted a status. I called the personnel department of my work to see if they could contact the last number known for this past coworker. I had signs posted by the grocer in the small rural area where they last lived. The video store called the last number on file for them. I really really tried...thinking they would want their furry family member back.

No answer.

I started making a contingency plan but I had until today. Today, the family called. My heart soared. Then it sank.

There is now a cat in the laundry room. I have no clue what to do with a cat at this point in my life. There might not be room in this house...where I don't make all of the calls. There might not be room in my future...where I might be away for long periods of time. I'm not sure what room there is...but this story of reunion is kind of amazing and there certainly is room in my heart for a furry love with a story I'll never know but who found it's way back into my life.

Eight and a half pounds of beautiful black furry uncertainty. Let the adventure begin.

Monday, March 10, 2014

Stealing Beauty

I've been watching a movie. Obsessively. More nights in a row than I can recall. Never fully, as I fall asleep...and wake to the credits each time. Oh, the music in the credits. ~sigh~

I can't seem to make it through this movie and I can't seem to sleep through that music.

This movie is so tactile. Lush. Creative. Sweltering. Sultry. Seductive. Melancholy. Secretive.

I make it through the introduction to the Italian countryside. Through the romance of arriving by train. Through reunions and meetings and hope, embraces and disappointment and noteworthy absences. I make it through the reminder of how relaxed attitudes can be surrounding age and art and the edge of propriety and expectation blur into those steamy moonlit exotic nights where possibility blooms into something you can smell right through the screen. It smells like oil and lemons and jasmine and sex and's intoxicating.

I make it to the mystery...and there, I am lost. There is a story...a backstory with a gut wrenching angsty secret...a secret that is tied up with years of effort to hide and protect. A secret each person acknowledges, displays the scars they bear as a result...and nonchalantly continue to keep hidden behind pursed lips, raised eyebrows and shrugs.

I don't know the secret. Still. Its deliciousness keeps me hungry. I envy how it weaves these people who love one another so desperately into a tapestry of the past embracing the present. I bask in their comfort with their choices...and consequences.

I hope to never learn the secret. It's better for me like this. Still mysterious. Untainted. Tendrils of my soul and hope woven into that tapestry with them as long as the secret stays just that. I stay hungry...and my hunger drives me to dream of on the grass on a humid summer night somewhere far from my own secrets...hips swaying, hands stretched toward the sky, head falling back and sure that anything is possible at that point.

The promises all of that.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Selling out, one trail at a time.

I said, I love you...I know your demons and fears, your limitations and choices.

I said, I love you still...because of...despite...with gusto.

I said, don't hide your demons or pretend they are less or gone or shameful.

I said, I can love you knowing your worst. You can trust me to look at you with loving eyes...period. Disclaimer free.

I said, talk to me. Whisper your secrets if they are too terrible. I have to know you, KNOW YOU for this love to be what it can and keeps trying to be.

I said, look into my eyes and tell me the hard secrets then trust me to be able to wrap them up tight and hide them in the recesses of my heart...only bringing them to the light of day when you need them to be so, if ever.

I said, let's break some rules, raise some eyebrows and find our own secret formula.

I said, let's get dirty. Then let's get DIRTIER.

I said, my love comes with no obligation.

You said "okay!"

But what you meant was "no way!"

But you didn't say that, you only showed it out loud in your actions.

And that really pissed me off.

When my pissedoffedness burdened you, you ran and hid.

Now you're back. Offering some lighter version of love.

I've been considering your offer.

I decline.

My love doesn't come in a lighter version...and I have no clue how or why I'd want to spend energy developing such a boring diminished version of what I embrace a such a fundamental part of me and my life and my soul purpose.

So, let's hike. Armed, physically and metaphorically. Safe. Occasional. With conversations that barely come close to feeding our souls but activity that brings us both joy on that physical and spiritual level. Where we connect with nature...but never each other. Let's hike and be superficial for half days, because neither one of us can find anyone else interested in this activity. De facto time together by default.

But eventually that will change. At a place on the far edge of my enthusiasm, where the cancer of cynicism has started to infiltrate, this eroding corner knows this is not what it should be and that these hikes, while full of superficial laughter and memories, will head toward implosion at speeds faster than we could run from...if we were smart enough to try.

But in the meantime, there are trails to dominate if we can compromise our souls enough to get out there on them.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Quiescent and Sanguine AKA Crepuscular and Chrysalis

I fell a little more in love with this progression than I did last year. Poetic...from screaming and demanding to a place of rest and introspection...solitude and quiet confidence....determination and resolve. Impending change. Beauty.

2010 was Carpe Diem and Moxie

2011 was Possibility and Brilliance

2012 was Trust

2013 was Imagine and Allow

2014 brings Quiescent and Sanguine.

This coming year, I have things to do. Concentration required. Steadfast determination and single minded resolution. My nest is empty. My life is unrecognizable to me but looks remarkably the same to anyone who would care to look. There are adventures and changes looming on the horizon but for now, there are things that need to evolve in their own space and time. Without rush or expectation. Without agenda. It's an odd feel aimless and anchored simultaneously. Turning inward, being still and quiet just feels right.

I started searching for my word and immediately thought of Gloaming...that magical time of day when everything has a cast of supernatural magical amazingness. Twilight. Dusk. Crepuscular. These words spoke to me. I imagined purple and orange skies giving way to inky glittering star filled nights. Fog. Mystery. I thought of Fall and how the earth goes dormant, all signs of life seeming absent but so much going on beneath the eye's the earth is warm to the touch despite how it looks. I thought of butterflies in chrysalis form, that soul soup of enzymes bearing no resemblance to the beauty that will eventually emerge. I toyed with Crepuscular and Chrysalis. I liked those words but I wanted them to go deeper...into silence and stillness. Tranquil. I wanted serenity spiced with optimism and hope. A strong communication of the confidence that comes from the knowing that Fall always gives way to the newness of Spring. I'm embracing twilight and dusk and protected mystery.

It takes all four words.

Trust me.