Monday, March 21, 2011

Getting to where I'm going...

I've been driving...getting to where I'm going one mile, one city, one friend's couch at a time. Lucky to have the loves that I do who help me get my feet under me, back on the ground, facing the right direction and taking even the smallest of steps toward...well toward something, anything. Just moving...moving...moving.

I've been writing...getting to where I'm going one unsent email, unpublished blog, unmailed love letter and unintelligible rant at a time. Lucky to have all of these avenues to express myself...and to be able to write powerfully for me...more than for him or her or them. Writing because the words refuse to go unsaid even if they have to go unsent.

I've been crying...getting to where I'm going ten tears at a time...not single tears...they have been coming in droves lately. Lucky to be able to cry at home, at work, in your arms and in your face and sometimes even in hiding. Crying to cleanse, crying because it's broke and crying because life keeps handing me amazingness that sometimes stays but sometimes has to go. Crying because I can and I do and to hell with whether or not tears are called for.

I've been sleeping...getting to where I'm going one long night, one nap, one drool puddle and snore session at a time. Lucky to have a big fluffy cloud of a bed that feels like a hug. Sleeping to restore, repair, rejuvenate. Sleeping to escape and sleeping to have the lovely blessing of waking to a brand new chance at a lovely new day full of promise and passion. Sleeping next to you, alone or even with my babies curled up next to me.

I've been talking...getting to where I'm going with a million words...all precious, all pertinent and absolutely not all perfect. Lucky to have a voice, an ability to string words together in ways that paint pictures that are impossible to have courage to speak them and to have ears willing to bend to them. Mostly lucky to have the ability to use my voice and be heard, understood and even sometimes forgiven when the dark and dangerous ones sneak past the guards.

I've been loving...getting to where I'm going one toughly tender tenacious heartbeat at a time. Lucky to have recipient hearts in my life waiting to time their beats with mine...some waiting openly, some waiting tentatively, others waiting avoidantly, many waiting ecstatically. Waiting...waiting...waiting with no pressure or agenda...just knowing that where they are is exactly perfect and where we are is simply serendipitous...that we belong to one another in an instant that may be past present or future but knowing that belonging only takes one heartbeat shared for two hearts to beat in time forever. Belonging is a beauty~full tattoo on your heart that you never regret getting...never ever.

I've been this and I've been that and life has handed me love and challenges and turmoil and at the end of it all great heaping mounds of personal triumph. I know who I am, what I'm made of and above all what my worth is.

The only unanswered question at this moment in time all this "getting to where I'm going"...where exactly is it that I am going? Where are these drives, words, tears, zzz's, heartbeats and laughter taking me? When will I get there?

And the only answer I want is "wait and see."

Times infinity.


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