Thursday, May 27, 2010

Miles above...

♥The day started with pure peace...muted and gentle...


♥Then the storm cell was announced...and the classic anvil shaped cloud appeared quite suddenly...


♥Almost as suddenly we were on the other side...after riding out the turbulence...


I would take a thousand of those storm cells over the mons~typh~ado~caine I came home to...figuratively speaking. In the 3 days I've been home there has been all sorts of non-stop chaos ranging from humiliation to senseless death, abject terror to misunderstanding, power trips and guilt trips, buckets of tears and shattered, tattered feelings to say nothing of relationships that need some serious nurturing. I'm dreaming of a cave. Quiet. Dark. Still. Or even turbulent that has a beginning and an end where the same sunset that was lost to the storm is waiting when it's over.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Beauty~full things about travelling...

♥a teeny tiny lady next to me on one flight and no lady next to me on the next!

♥flight attendants named Annie, Ursula and Irma who seriously sounded and acted like doting Aunties.

♥the colors on the horizon changing with the sunset...then being obliterated by an anvil shaped storm cell...GORGEOUS!!!

♥an anticipatedly turbulent landing due to gusty conditions being smooth as silk.

♥hugs and screeches...airport greetings between sistas.

♥not knowing anyone other than my sista in this great big city...and getting the hot South African grocer's phone number in the first hour here!

Friday, May 21, 2010

Friday's Four Beauty-full Things...

♥Cuddling with my babygirl before this day had to start.

♥Waking up knowing that by the end of this day I will be in a different state...2000 miles away from here...where there is HUMIDITY! and GIRLFRIENDS! and DRINKING! and MUSIC! and TOGETHERNESS!!!

♥Said music to be played live acoustic by my very own Rockstar IN THE LIVING ROOM!!!

♥First morning coffee with momma in over two weeks...and all the catching up there is to be done!

Monday, May 17, 2010

A perfect Monday...

♥A morning with no alarm clock.

♥A day without a single "must".

♥Home made Chai Tea...perfect for this blustery day.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Sunday's 3 beauty~full things

♥A new month starting today! With a new theme...a new area of my life to dust off, turn over, inspect and improve. This month is all about the "other green" ...$...

♥New chickens in the chicken coop...watching them and watching the rest of the herd around here watching them...all the curiosity and confusion.

♥Blood orange sorbet. oh. emm. gee.

Friday, May 14, 2010


♥the kind of tired that comes from staying up way too late doing something you never do but know you should do so much more often.

♥the kind of tired that makes you hit the snooze three times too many...resulting in a messy bun, rushing through the morning routine and forgetting things like the bottom half of the eyeliner business and throwing on the first outfit that comes to mind...and a day of unexpected inexplicable compliments.

♥then the kind of tired that lets you know that despite the other kinds of tired, you did a good day's work and can now lay down to rest.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Asking, getting and planning

♥Saying...ooooh, scratch! And it happening. Ahhhh...

♥Free lumber to build the raised beds, cutting it in the dark and the requisite maneuvering to get it home complete with giggles and a pajama-ed foreman.

♥The privilege of getting to do a friend a favor...laughs and togetherness and the mutual desire to do it more often...with plans even.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Famous, fabulous and future

♥Celebrities in my little world are dressed up like rockstars, superheroes and mermaids.

♥Veggie drawer cleanout soup...yummy!

♥Hearing news I didn't realize I had been waiting for...only to have it followed up with news I didn't want to hear...then realizing that all is as it should be and no matter what news there is, I am right where I am supposed to be and am headed right where I am supposed to be heading. ~sigh~

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Tuesday's Three Beauty~full things

♥A sunshiney convertible friendly day full of pampering, pretty~ness, freedom and a belly full of sunshine.

♥Nonstop talking about nonstop beautician ROCKS!

♥Sitting in a lawn chair, soaking up the sunshine, visiting with other parents and cheering while watching my boy make a great hit the one time they let him get up to bat. Last game, end of the season...way to go out!

Monday, May 10, 2010

Three moments of awareness...

Yesterday I spent a little time cleaning out my Momma's garage. As I drove down her street I came to a stop and just watched a spectacle occurring a few houses away. My trip over brought me to that moment in that place just perfectly timed to see a blackbird dive bombing a squirrel over and over again. The squirrel was hopping and chattering, tail fluffed and standing straight up, pausing every so often to hazard a glance at the menace above. The bird was squawking and pecking relentlessly, tufts of hair floating away from the squirrel with each dive. I was cracking up, sitting there in the happy to have arrived just in time for nature's show. Simple. Lovely.

Today I made an unscheduled drive to an area of town I don't usually frequent. It is a very windy day today with sprinkles and I was surprised at how many people are out on foot. I became sad at the realization that I live in a world where helping is dangerous and I can't feel safe offering a ride to someone who obviously needs it. Then I saw him. It was a glance only, a fraction of a moment. He was walking, hood on and head bent against the wind. He was thin and had his arms wrapped around his body. I was approaching a light and had started to slow down. He was facing me. Almost as if he somehow sensed I was looking at him, he lifted his head and met my eyes with his directly...but not. His eyes were on me but you could tell he was seeing something else, something no one else could see, something his mind had placed between him and me. He moved his lips, speaking to the thing that wasn't there and after the briefest of time allowed for a response, he opened his mouth widely and smiled a huge toothless grin, laughing from his belly with a smile that went all the way to his eyes. He was happy. He had a funny friend traveling with matter that I couldn't see it. He didn't need his teeth or a ride from me. He was just fine. We might want to disagree. We might think that it takes success in our careers, having a nice home, having stable mental health and a ride on a windy, rainy day...but who's to say that those things bring us even a fraction of the joy reflected on this man's face?

This weekend, by mistake, I found the vodka bottles...crushed and flattened, so many of them inside of a dog food bag. There was a flash of anger so strong that I'm sure it burned a trail right to my heart...because it broke...shattered right into a million pieces. There had been a promise and here was the evidence that the promise had expired if it had truly ever been honored. There is a serious health risk and here was the truth of how powerful the demons can be. There is a history that somehow I convinced myself could be healed by abstinence now...almost like penance. Fact is, I don't believe in penance but I did believe in her. Now I wonder, where does this leave us? How do you balance caring so greatly for someone with knowing that they deserve unconditional acceptance as they are rather than how we'd have them? What do you do when you know that the help that was offered wasn't really wanted? How do you continue to honor someone when you disagree passionately with their choices? I'm here, in this moment, knowing there is a limit to what I can do to help and knowing that although her choices today have the potential to affect my future, I can't require another person do do what I think is "right." Sometimes awareness sucks ass. Sometimes talking to the little girl Tara who feels each new perceived slight with the same crushing pain of a thousand slights before is the hardest thing to find the words for. Today the words aren't I'm transported to the past where we've just left the liquor store after loading the trunk full and I hear an apology that the fondest desire of my heart won't be possible because there simply wasn't enough money for it. Today I am crying for that little girl...sitting with her and reminding her that she's safe and it's going to be okay. It really is, right?

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Over and over again, Amen.

It's May. That freaks me out a little bit. Already? But wait, what exactly does that mean???

When the year changed, 2010 promised to be so much. I made a pretty big declaration about leaving the negativity and overwhelming~ness of 2009 behind; of defining 2010 with Moxie and Carpe Diem. Then I found my self mired in self-doubt and fear...searching for a lifeline that seemed to be just out of my grasp or understanding. I spent a lot of time gritting my teeth and taking baby steps trusting only my intuition that kept whispering "baby steps, just keep going." I did the only thing I could do...I listened and did the best I could.

Silly me. How else do you embody Moxie and Carpe Diem other than having faith, continuing to imagine, dream, question, test the limits of your comfort zone and keep moving forward? That is actually THE RECIPE for Moxie and Carpe Diem!

I made a decision that time markers mean a lot to me, but not the traditional ones. I've been making my birthday lists for years now, the number of years I've lived matched by the number of things I'd like to do, become, see, have, accomplish, experience in the upcoming year; it's been my alternate to New Year's resolutions. Technically, this makes my New Year begin on the day I was born...which is exactly when my very first year ever started. It only makes sense then that my month begin on my birth day, the 16th.

Last month on the 16th I themed the upcoming 30 days. It's funny how claiming something, making it yours, making it personal and connecting to it can induce clarity and fortify you mentally for success. I had written a list during the dark days of self-doubt and fear of the areas in my life that didn't feel like they were working well. On April 16th I pulled out that list and decided that out of the things I had identified, health was the big one. Over the course of the past several years I had put on quite a bit of weight, developed back problems and was not sleeping well the majority of the time, which all tie together and make the other worse. I was not moving as much as I had because I was tired and sometimes it downright hurt to move. Yoga was out of the question after a past amazing love affair with downward facing dog. Exercise hurt and I was tired all the time. My clothes didn't fit which made me want to come home, get into pajamas and park my rear on the couch. I had tried diets, lifestyle changes and pills. I tried Tai Chi, a chiropractor and a couple of doctors. I met with a nutritionist, had accupuncture, massage and physical therapy. I believe that our health is in our own hands but my hands were grasping thin air and I was feeling hopeless. In the past I had made a decision, basically wrote it in blood and had the mind set that I would stick to it NO MATTER WHAT. That would last about 3 days...a week if it was a good week. Then the self-recrimination would set in and Ben & Jerry were always ready to lend the comfort of Cherry Garcia. I did it differently this time. What I've been trying for years didn't work...but the years had still gone by and here I sat, hurting and tired, in my pajamas. On April 16th I decided to look at my lifestyle and my habits and decide what was working against me so that by May 16th I would have an idea of a direction to go. I committed to looking, not doing. I read some books, quickly discarding the ones that didn't resonate with me and writing notes in margins of the ones that did. I talked to people who seemed to have what I was looking for. I bought some different groceries and tried new recipes. I opened my mind and trusted that the truth of how to live my life healthier would trickle in. By two days in I knew that I needed to move more. I'm very active in my yard and in my home in the course of maintaining or creating or repairing and occasionally go on walks or hikes. I don't shy away from activity but I don't make it a part of my daily routine. I decided to do just a little every day. I do my physical therapy recommended exercises every morning and even if it's only 15 minutes, I get on my elliptical machine in the evenings. I walk on the days I can get away during the workday for a lunch or a break. I look forward to these things and they are making my nights more comfortable therefore more sleep~full. The new foods and recipes have evolved into eating mostly plant based foods which even the kids love. With almost no effort, I have moved past looking into doing and can now say that my health is an area of my life that is working for me very well and only holds the promise of continuing to get better and better. I love this. I love that all I had to do was look and the answers were just waiting to be found. I love that I could claim a date and make it mine and somehow it worked for me in an almost magical way that only has to make sense to me.

May 16th is fast approaching and instead of putting into action the things I had spent a month thinking about, I can now choose another area of my life to look at and let the answers fall into place as they will...or won't. Life is such an adventure...a daily adventure where we're given the power to rewrite endings or choose new beginnings any time we wish.

And Three Beauty~full Things:

♥The kill-deer mating dance that happens right in the middle of my street and the traffic that's been stopping or going around it.

♥Valentine's Day daffodil bulbs that we planted together thinking we'd enjoy them next season but are in full glorious bloom right now.

♥A day trip with a luminous lovely to a magical city with the top down, one brown shoulder, a belly full of sunshine, great deals and shoplifting by mistake followed by a concert that stole a piece of my heart and soul that I never ever want back!

Okay, a fourth because it has be be shared...

♥Aiden's new's the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen and has me laughing constantly! He actually looks like something out of a horror movie...poor thing!

Before and after:

Aiden before

Aiden after