Today was all about not enough.
Not enough information. Not enough communication. Not enough attention. Not enough of the right answers. Not enough difficult work to stay mind~busy. Not enough yes answers. Not enough kindness. Not enough food. Not enough hugs. Not enough breaths. Not enough purpose. Not enough patience. Not enough touches. Not enough need. Not enough desire. Not enough connection. Not enough of any single thing that I can think of.
I needed so much today that it's quite possible that nothing could have possibly been enough.
But I still think that it would have been nice if somewhere, someone or something along the way could have come close.
Today I wanted to hear "I want to see you, even if for only 10 minutes" and "being with you is all I need." I wanted my hand held and...okay...a foot rub. I wanted for there to be someone hoping I'd come see them soon and I wanted to not eat my lunch alone. I really did want flowers AND a card. I wanted the phone number to still be connected and certainly to not have to hear that a friend had passed away. I wanted to fill in those empty moments with words that actually meant something between two people who can be raw and real and honest about the want and the limits. I wanted to be the one picked and I wanted to rail and cry and rage when I wasn't. I wanted to be angry instead of understanding and ever so hopeful. I wanted to be little and...really? I even wanted to disappear.
I wanted to come here tonight and say...BEAUTY? WHAT FUCKING BEAUTY??
Tonight I want someone to take a cross-section of my heart and put it under a microscope because I know that a multiple heartbreak like this one must be spectacular to see if you could catch each and every hairline crack.
So, you want beauty?
♥Non-waterproof mascara...so that there is no hiding from the fact that FUCK SOMETIMES THIS LIFE IS UGLY AND IT HURTS...and trying to remain pretty in the face of that is close to THE MOST ludicrous attempt at vanity ever Ever EVER!
♥My dog...who can't hear me cry without cocking his head sideways, perking up one ear and wailing right along with me...then trying to lick my tears and give me his paw like it solves all the problems of the world. Stupid bastard.
♥Knowing...knowing that I get a brand new start with a brand new outlook once I wake tomorrow morning...and knowing that AA said it best...
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
...and please let whatever happens tomorrow be enough. Enough to fill those hairline cracks and start to put me back together again. Just enough, that's all I ask.