Sunday, October 7, 2012

The Corner of Oh Shit and What the Fuck

There is so much changing. My head starts to throb with the simple exercise of wrapping around it all.

It's exhilarating.

It's terrifying.

I'm being dragged kicking and screaming into change...when change is what I thrive on. I'm resisting and I'm giving in, giving up and pulling the covers over my head as often as I'm putting on a good face and pretending that I've got this.

I don't.

I get up, go to yoga...go on long walks in this lovely place. I spend time with friends, nights with an old lover. I fill out paperwork and call my kids. I make breakfast and sign my name when the dotted line calls for it. I'm even in the midst of changing very name.

I'm pretending that I'm okay.

I'm growing and learning...struggling and triumphing...every day there is some great victory and some scary moment that equally take my breath away.

You hear my voice, you know my see these words and wonder if you should be more worried than you have been. You worry that my speeches lately have been false, if you should have seen through them. You hope that you haven't missed something obvious.

The truth is that even I know it's all going to be okay...even when I feel like THIS. The truth is that I'm right where I'm supposed to be, doing just what I'm meant to do, be, see, experience and grow through.

Fact is, something can be terrifying and exciting simultaneously.

Someone can be lost just to be on the brink of finding themselves and finding their place.

I'm so lost...and it's okay.