Thursday, March 31, 2011

I hate cake. Rainbows are an illusion. I am not crazy.

This is an excerpt from an email I wrote today. I think it adequately defines why I am still single. And the chorus says "Amen."

Me? Insecure? Sure. Observant? Yes. Analytical? Absolutely. But as for the insecure part...we all are to some degree. Even you are. You have reasons to be and so do I. Do I think you owe it to me to fix my insecurities? Nope. But I sure do think you owe it to me to be honest about who you are. I won't like you unless you do...and one thing I know for sure For Sure FOR SURE is that when my instincts are telling me something, I will wreck everything to honor them and not once in my entire life have they ever Ever EVER been wrong. The fucked up part is that by the time caution is thrown to the wind and someone is ready to show me who they really are, they have usually accused me of being insecure or crazy often enough that I stop giving a flying shit about knowing who they are. My instincts are not wrong. Ever.

and the line to date me starts on the left.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Sometimes wrong can be so right

♥That small part of me that was saying HOW DOES IT FEEL? And the bigger part of me that was saying HOW DOES IT FEEL, BITCH??? Then the little, enduring part of me that was saying YESSSSSSSS...

♥Plans with my girlz. This one with her feet on my lap, that one with her enticing river rights of passage and the other one who is all in for celebrating her daddy with me.

♥FDN. Jager and pinches and flirting and fun. Just enough of each...not too much or too little and the loving sureness that we all have between us...the respect of balance...each and every one of us.

Sunday, March 27, 2011


Reposting, recycling, remembering...

Sometimes I meet people and literally can't wait to quit their company and other times people come along and we just meld into each other's lives smoothly, seamlessly. It's near impossible to put it into words...I tried and came up with this...

It's as if there are people-shaped holes in my life. Some people slip right into the hole that is shaped exactly like them. It's effortless. It was waiting just for them. Others float around and maybe slip an arm or leg into the wrong hole and then one day settle into their right hole. Another might try and try and float away...only to return and realize that their hole was the next one that they would have tried the last time. Other times no matter how much time and effort you put into trying to find the hole or how many angles you try each one in, there comes a time to realize that there simply is no hole shaped like that person. It might be worth a try to make them their own hole but usually the reason they have no preexisting hole becomes apparent and it's okay for them to float away. There are even times when people leave their perfectly shaped holes in my life...but they leave them full of memories that endure.

Each person has extreme value, even the ones who go away.

But this is about the ones who don't. This is about the one who fit right into the hole whose outline confused me with that mass of curls. This is about the one that confused me with her teeny-ness. This is about the child-sized ones and the kids who recognize our soul-bond and skip into their holes. This is about the holes that filled this past couple of years as I pulled my walls down brick by brick so that people could wander in. This is about newness and togetherness and support and FAMILY in a way that doesn't require DNA.

This is about an 8 year-old knowing exactly what language to speak so that my heart would hear and a traveler willing risk traffic to share a cup of coffee. This is about a new unexpected connection at a precarious holiday celebration. This is a little about crying and a lot about who hears. This is about what happens when you decide that alone is okay but lonely is not. This is about who gravitates your direction when you make that decision. About who is there.

Welcome to your you-shaped hole in my life. Thank you for finding it. I love you.

In the time that has passed since writing this, that 8 year old has grown into a lovely young lady who just recently blew me away with her ability to continue to speak from her soul...even more eloquently now. There have been periods of drifting between an essential lovely in my life followed by a much needed reunion. A love has left and the him shaped hole appears to have been a mirage. You have arrived, and I fell in love with you in the first moment I met you. I'm so happy to see you settle in for forever.

There have been so many changes, constants and chaotic melees in the past 3ish years. I've installed floor lights between those people shaped holes...for dancing.

Kick off your shoes. Take my hand. Let's boogie.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Passion, persistence and puppy!

♥Gusts and howls and pelting rain...flashes that hinted at the possibility of a loss of power...Mother Nature reminding us to be humble, to be still and quiet, to hibernate a little bit and turn inward and to each other in cozy fuzzy snuggledownness.

♥A young spunky soul in a worn body, sitting cross legged in the middle of a hospital bed completely unafraid to send her voice behind the curtain to a stranger who silently was begging for connection and she gave it without being asked and then whispered her fears and held my hand so very very tightly...and looked at me with fear, gratitude and bravery all at once.

♥Meeting a new member of our family...knowing in that first moment that life had taken a turn and things were about to get shaken up, turned upside down and that when it all settles, we'll all be better off than we were before...and we thought we were pretty awesome before so after has no choice but to be breathtaking!

Monday, March 21, 2011

Getting to where I'm going...

I've been driving...getting to where I'm going one mile, one city, one friend's couch at a time. Lucky to have the loves that I do who help me get my feet under me, back on the ground, facing the right direction and taking even the smallest of steps toward...well toward something, anything. Just moving...moving...moving.

I've been writing...getting to where I'm going one unsent email, unpublished blog, unmailed love letter and unintelligible rant at a time. Lucky to have all of these avenues to express myself...and to be able to write powerfully for me...more than for him or her or them. Writing because the words refuse to go unsaid even if they have to go unsent.

I've been crying...getting to where I'm going ten tears at a time...not single tears...they have been coming in droves lately. Lucky to be able to cry at home, at work, in your arms and in your face and sometimes even in hiding. Crying to cleanse, crying because it's broke and crying because life keeps handing me amazingness that sometimes stays but sometimes has to go. Crying because I can and I do and to hell with whether or not tears are called for.

I've been sleeping...getting to where I'm going one long night, one nap, one drool puddle and snore session at a time. Lucky to have a big fluffy cloud of a bed that feels like a hug. Sleeping to restore, repair, rejuvenate. Sleeping to escape and sleeping to have the lovely blessing of waking to a brand new chance at a lovely new day full of promise and passion. Sleeping next to you, alone or even with my babies curled up next to me.

I've been talking...getting to where I'm going with a million words...all precious, all pertinent and absolutely not all perfect. Lucky to have a voice, an ability to string words together in ways that paint pictures that are impossible to have courage to speak them and to have ears willing to bend to them. Mostly lucky to have the ability to use my voice and be heard, understood and even sometimes forgiven when the dark and dangerous ones sneak past the guards.

I've been loving...getting to where I'm going one toughly tender tenacious heartbeat at a time. Lucky to have recipient hearts in my life waiting to time their beats with mine...some waiting openly, some waiting tentatively, others waiting avoidantly, many waiting ecstatically. Waiting...waiting...waiting with no pressure or agenda...just knowing that where they are is exactly perfect and where we are is simply serendipitous...that we belong to one another in an instant that may be past present or future but knowing that belonging only takes one heartbeat shared for two hearts to beat in time forever. Belonging is a beauty~full tattoo on your heart that you never regret getting...never ever.

I've been this and I've been that and life has handed me love and challenges and turmoil and at the end of it all great heaping mounds of personal triumph. I know who I am, what I'm made of and above all what my worth is.

The only unanswered question at this moment in time all this "getting to where I'm going"...where exactly is it that I am going? Where are these drives, words, tears, zzz's, heartbeats and laughter taking me? When will I get there?

And the only answer I want is "wait and see."

Times infinity.


Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Bootstraps. Strong bootstraps.

Pulling myself up, one beauty~full thing at a time...

♥Glittery green eyeshadow and a good hair day.

♥Salad bar lunch with my babygirl...a middle of the day respite.

♥A phone call & invitation...being cared about and cared for.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Sit down. Seriously. Sit. There, now...

Today was all about not enough.

Not enough information. Not enough communication. Not enough attention. Not enough of the right answers. Not enough difficult work to stay mind~busy. Not enough yes answers. Not enough kindness. Not enough food. Not enough hugs. Not enough breaths. Not enough purpose. Not enough patience. Not enough touches. Not enough need. Not enough desire. Not enough connection. Not enough of any single thing that I can think of.

I needed so much today that it's quite possible that nothing could have possibly been enough.

But I still think that it would have been nice if somewhere, someone or something along the way could have come close.

Today I wanted to hear "I want to see you, even if for only 10 minutes" and "being with you is all I need." I wanted my hand held and...okay...a foot rub. I wanted for there to be someone hoping I'd come see them soon and I wanted to not eat my lunch alone. I really did want flowers AND a card. I wanted the phone number to still be connected and certainly to not have to hear that a friend had passed away. I wanted to fill in those empty moments with words that actually meant something between two people who can be raw and real and honest about the want and the limits. I wanted to be the one picked and I wanted to rail and cry and rage when I wasn't. I wanted to be angry instead of understanding and ever so hopeful. I wanted to be little and...really? I even wanted to disappear.

I wanted to come here tonight and say...BEAUTY? WHAT FUCKING BEAUTY??

Tonight I want someone to take a cross-section of my heart and put it under a microscope because I know that a multiple heartbreak like this one must be spectacular to see if you could catch each and every hairline crack.

So, you want beauty?


♥Non-waterproof that there is no hiding from the fact that FUCK SOMETIMES THIS LIFE IS UGLY AND IT HURTS...and trying to remain pretty in the face of that is close to THE MOST ludicrous attempt at vanity ever Ever EVER!

♥My dog...who can't hear me cry without cocking his head sideways, perking up one ear and wailing right along with me...then trying to lick my tears and give me his paw like it solves all the problems of the world. Stupid bastard.

♥Knowing...knowing that I get a brand new start with a brand new outlook once I wake tomorrow morning...and knowing that AA said it best...

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference.

...and please let whatever happens tomorrow be enough. Enough to fill those hairline cracks and start to put me back together again. Just enough, that's all I ask.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Beauty about Being

♥Being desired. Always a breathtaking realization...and I hope to remain in awe each and every time.

♥Being admired. Always lovely but especially so when it's by someone I deem a rockstar in this world!

♥Being trusted. Always humbling...and this time it was by two people I can't hide my reactions, feelings, vibe and intentions from.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

A weekend of beauty

♥ Friday ♥ Off work one hour, plane, train, ferry & taxi..back to Washington...back to amazing. Hugs and love and fun...drinking and laughing and silliness. A foot rub and an admission and a decision. Giggles and cuddles and interlopers. Sleeping and snoring and sweetness.

♥ Saturday ♥ Waking to a dancing five year old who never stopped with the singing and playing and dancing and creativity. Meals by the Mama and the Papa...breakfast in a skillet and cajun lasagna to die for. Sensitive moments and sneaking away. Our numbers dwindling but the togetherness not.

♥ Sunday ♥ Talking the morning away, a movie and an attempt to leave that was thwarted by fog. A temper tantrum. Returning. Reality. Rest.

♥ Monday ♥ Sweet forehead kisses as I said my goodbyes, a break of day ferry ride full of breathtaking beauty...train, plane and car...home to the soft sweetness of my own bed and the loving greeting of my babies. A clean house and the ability to slowly sink back into this reality.

Life is great...everywhere. Here. There. Today. Yesterday. It lends hope that tomorrow will follow and be just as amazing. Just as magical. Just as...whatever it is that it is supposed to be. Being reminded by today to keep dreaming and to keep on keeping on.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Beauty. That's all. Just Beauty.

♥Embracing that sometimes I can be a beauty~full mess. Teary, snotty, wrong, unfair, anxiety~ridden and anxiety~evoking, confused, frightened, on the verge of some big truth that has me hiding my eyes while rushing in blind, in my jammies at inappropriate times, hair in my eyes and chipped nail polish...but still beauty~full in a glorious way that is uniquely me. And if you're strong, brave, forgiving and understanding enough, the mess will become a beauty~full bond between us. This I promise you.

♥Rain...with all the fun and umbrellas and tendrils stuck to my neck and face.

♥Sleeping on the couch only to wake and write about beauty. Freedom. The end of one day allowing for all the hope and promise of the one ahead.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Love Letter...Butterflies, Baby. Butterflies.

I was curled up in a cozy corner booth with your momma, sore belly from laughing so hard, dry eyes after a few tears shed and tender spots on our hearts numbed with Guinness, Bailey's and 18 year old Jameson's. What else do you do in an amazing Irish pub? You tell tales and drink, that's what you do. I felt so insulated from the world outside with it's passion and promise and pain...every day, all day. I had arrived in a magical wet city and found a magical little niche. I didn't think it could possibly get any better.

Then you walked in. I was speechless for moments that felt like eons. What a well~kept secret you were...with your eyes full of twinkle, all smile and tall easy grace. That was my first impression of you and it exponentially got better and better minute by minute. I knew in the first hour that I wanted to keep you, that one of the people~shaped holes in my life that I had been waiting to be filled was the shape of you. I love it when that happens, when I trust and go with it and there is a near audible click between people.

It wasn't only you. It was your cousin with his big laugh and sweet vulnerable tentative confidence, his love with her sweet toughness and the rock star with his huge musician ego and absolute loving loyalty. It was an instant falling in love with each and every one of you immediately. Your chemistry as a tight little group took my breath away and when you let me fit in, fall in, be myself and pulled me closer into your fold, I was honored beyond measure. But it was you who continued to take my breath away. It was you with your whispers and touches, flirtations and invitations that made me dizzy and giddy.