Monday, February 28, 2011

a WTF kind of Monday

Crappity Crap McCrapperson Crapoliciousness today:

102.3 degree fever. Down one degree after medication. One. Degree. Also a sick babygirl. Add one suspended babyboy. Overwhelmed at work and still had to leave due to illness. Neurology appointment that was not great news after weeks of waiting. Long waits + 3 hungry peeps = grouchy Grouchy GROUCHY. Only distraction from grouch cubed was one phone with terrible battery life. Later having to speak tough words... necessary tough words to a tender soul with a terrible attitude. One big clotty snotty surprise bloody nose. Old Mother Hubbard's cupboards are bare and no energy to shop with this crazy fever. Annoying barky little demon dog that won't let helpers near me when they happen to want to. So. Sick. And. Tired.


Today I was standing in front of the fridge, thinking about opening the door and finding some breakfast food but not really having much of an appetite. I re-read a printout from quite a while back that I think of as my parenting muse. I just happened to notice that it had a url in the upper right corner and the name looked familiar. I popped onto my facebook and sure enough, the writer of those immortal words was one facebook friend click away. Right under my nose. Posting on mutual friends' pages even. So I wrote to her. She wrote back. I have a new facebook friend! One who has unwittingly seen me through SO MANY parenting growth, change, love, let go, breathe Breathe BREATHE moments.

As if that lovely connection and exchange weren't enough, the timing completely blew me away. Just after I walked away from the computer and this connection, I get a call from the school. From the Principal himself...asking me to pick up my boy and keep him for a few days of "reflection" on his choices. Back to the fridge I went. Back to the words, back to the basics, back to the truth of who I strive to be.

A half hour time difference, a day at work instead of home sick, a little shyness instead of fever induced "what the hell" ness and I would be apologizing for reacting from embarrassment over Principal Mr. Willi~yummy~yummy~iams calling about my child's behavior...over fear of how babyboy's dad might find our situation lacking or substandard...over all the multitude of things mainstream society tells me I should feel when my child falls short of their expectations.

A half hour time difference and I wouldn't be able to sit here and tell you how proud I am of how I actually did handle I maintained my love and hope and belief in wrong and right...MINE...and encouraged him to really question if he was acting in ways aligned to his...HIS. How I planted seeds of truth and respect in the rich and fertile soil of his lovely soul. How my intuition is telling me that we're right where we are supposed to, today...this moment, this happening, this opportunity. How we are so separate from one another but so tied by gossamer strands of love tougher than steel.

Also today, negating the crappiness: I was invited to two weekends that sound like absolute heaven...a girls' weekend and a trailer/beach/lightning bug weekend that promises to be all about connecting. My babygirl is now released back into the world of physical activity...softball her Senior year is back on the itinerary. Carl's Jr lettuce wrap with Santa Fe sauce...the only fast food experience I in to it and licking my fingers after. The three musketeers together for a jaunt...with teens this has become rather infrequent. An email friend who never lets me down...who goes out of his way to check and reply...even when it's terribly inconvenient. Two fevered geminis cuddling at every possible juncture. ROSS CHILDRESS PUT OUT A NEW PLAYLIST!!! I bought it. I love it. Youtube has "Music in High Places" which I have wished and wished and wished to get to see made me cry little joy tears watching it. And the best treatment for sickness...couch and movies...movies sent by one of the newest lovelies in my tribe...out of the kindness of his heart.

Overall, love found it's way between crap's cracks.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Amazing what a clean garage can do...

The weatherman said there was a great big storm coming on Friday. The superintendent called with a canned message about possible school closures. I brought in the plants and battened down the hatches. I wore boots...a hat AND a scarf.

There was rain. It was cold. Flurries of snow danced onto my windshield and melted immediately. It hailed. The clouds parted and there was sunshine intermittently throughout the day.

I had created a to do list for the weekend that was weather appropriate. Lots of indoorsy chores and quiet time.

Instead, today was beauty~full. I wore a strapless dress and put the top down on the convertible. Sure, I blasted the heat...but the sun was shining on my shoulders nonetheless and I wore my biggest sunglasses in it's honor. I cleaned the garage and walked the dog down by the river. I basked and I absorbed the energy from the winter sun on a day predicted to be gloomy.

I had butterflies in my belly all day today. I felt that little anxious anticipation that puts a twinkle in the eye and a sass in the step. It was like an entire day on the verge of falling in love. I smiled a lot and batted my eyelashes at nothing more interesting than the shop vac or the endless containers I used to organize various garage stuff. I wasn't quite sure what was going on...but tonight as I sat here prepared to write out my Three Beauty~full Things, I realized that today I wasn't just on the verge of falling in love all day long. I actually DID fall in love today...all day.

I fell in love with the unexpected gift of sunshine. I fell in love with cleaning, clearing, discarding, organizing, changing, taking back that space and feeling productive. I fell in love with my couch and a movie that made me cry inexplicably. I fell in love with reflecting on this past week with all of it's challenges and successes and possibility. I fell in love with my recklessness...the apologies I had to make for some of it, the apologies I probably should make and never will and the absolute lack of apology for the parts that I am completely totally unabashedly in love Love LOVE with. I fell in love with the memories of camping that came from stacking all of the equipment. I fell in love with projects that I resumed today, revisited and reworked...projects that will be so amazing once completed and today I fell in love with that vision of completion in a way that is motivating me to stay focused. I fell in love with this life over and over again today. Belly full of butterflies kind of "in love."


All because the weatherman was incorrect.

Yesterday's Beauty and a Bonus

♥Catching up, closeness, comfort, connection and clandestine followed by more connection.

♥Breathing, speaking my heart, soul and gut's truth in honest forthright terms after being asked for exactly that...taking that chance of giving exactly what is asked for and being repaid with respect and agreement and understanding and solution rather than finality. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. I might just pass out from all the sighing. It's not so easy to take chances...and this one came with a high price tag if I was wrong. I was led by a mentor down a path to realize that there was no "wrong" here and even a mistake would be worth the financial price tag if there would be lessons learned and community relationships deepened.

♥Family dinner night...good food, great conversation and finally getting a chance to show my wife some love. :)

Bonus: A poem that came out earlier this week...a patient who stayed with me long after the work hours were over and this poem being the only way I could convince thoughts of him to get back where they belong.


Behind a glass door
covered in tubes
a backless gown
beeping machines
and alarms.

You lift your finger
look past the mask
to see this invader
measuring your essence.

Your eyes are fixed
gaze soft
on the only familiar
comfort of home.
But TV can’t
release your mind
from the worry.

Your 87 years
play on the screen
instead of actors
You wonder
how you got here
with all of your regrets
and broken dreams.

You look at me
with your watery eyes
and pick up the pen.
You sign the form
that you think
is your only chance
at peace.

And we all wonder why.

It’s not your time.

But you disagree.
And honoring your choice
robs us of our peace
while giving you
that chance you want
at yours.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Beauty~full things almost all about the work...

♥A two hour meeting with a man I admire...who challenges me and trusts me...even admires me back which blows me completely away each and every time he proves it.

♥A day of hit and miss with a lady who wears her authority like an elegant magical cape...coming to the same realization and that moment when only a wink will do.

♥Doing good work. Knowing it. Loving it. Being it...then leaving it for an evening full of taking exactly what I want...and the loves surrounding me who gave and gave and gave some more. Sitting here with a satisfied smile and a heart full of peace.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Three Beauty~full things about waking, working and winding it all up

♥Waking late, naturally and slowly...and still making it to work on time.

♥Wearing so many hats in one day and rocking each and every realted phone calls full of understanding, success, cooperation, a job offer, new knowledge, respect and professionalism...and that one phone call that put it all in perspective.

♥A great work day, a couple of episodes of Shameless with my boy, a walk, a workout, a hot shower, soothing lotion, Sleepytime Tea and my fluffy cloud of a bed...perfection.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Three Beauty~full things about head heart and hope!

♥A good hair day.

♥Secrets between new fast friends...whispers and pinkie promises and thumb kisses and giggles and gasps and getting down to the dirty dirty.

♥Being asked to be a mentor. By a soul that reeks of Social Worker already!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

A Many Splendored Thing

I was asked today what I think love is.

I don't think you can think love is anything.

Love is a moment where everything makes sense. Love is when one single soul is connected to another for a span of time, seconds...or lifetimes if you're lucky...and that connection allows stars and peace and rightness to radiate out of every pore of your body. Love is when funky smells radiate out of those same pores and it's still okay. Love is when you can stand there with your eyes closed and feel the world rotating and revolving and you know that there is another person on the face of the planet who will smile watching you do it because it's something only you would do and get so much joy out of. Love is mischief and excitement and risk in a big sumo wrestler suit so that when it inevitably ends up knocked down, there is enough padding that it can land softly and roll around until there's a curb to climb up on and get upright again. Love is a glance and wink that goes over everyone else's heads. Love is the snort in a really good laugh. Love is that split second when anger dissipates and being right isn't important at all anymore. Love is tender torture...knowing the experience is worth the seven levels of hell you would be dragged through if it went away. Love is knowing that even if it fades or dies or leaves, possession isn't necessary for that feeling to live forever. Love can't be thought about or intellectualized or explained in letters that make words. Love is snippets and moments and happenings and coincidences and stillness and knowing. Love is believing the best and the worst about someone and having both make them more human and dear and deserving. Love is red rainboots...smiles on gloomy days are unavoidable when red rainboots are involved. Love is red rainboots dancing in mudpuddles...not noticing the mud...only knowing the joy of dancing. That's what love is.

One of my favorite lines from the movie Playing By Heart:

"Talking about love is like dancing about architecture." ~Joan

Three Beauty~full Things about love today...

♥Being heard...a snippet given, my hair played with, a compromise, a twinkle, an attempt under questionable circumstances, quiet time together, quiet time alone, a lap suitable for curling up on even though I'm a grown-up, being driven instead of having to drive, conversation and laughter and smiles.

♥An absent-minded "I love you" on the phone to someone I think it about often but say infrequently and it being automatically reciprocated.

♥My babies...growing and learning to give without being asked. ~sigh~ My best work EVER.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Beauty, Just Because.

♥Crying all day. Weird to say it...but beauty~full. I'm not jaded. I'm not hiding behind a wall. I'm not immune. I'm not callous. I'm not safe. I'm not going to pretend. I'm here...messy and human and vulnerable and wanting and connected and completely in love with each and every moment of each and every day with all it's greatness and terribleness and everything in between. I cried a lot today and it was cleansing. It was healing. It was bonding. It was beauty~full.

♥A canceled appointment that first irritated me then began to feel like a reprieve...a chance to think a little more...some unexpected freedom...ultimately a gift.

♥A fellow curly haired fair skinned freckled red head with a great smile who always knows just how to bring her understated humor into a professional situation and ALWAYS has good news for me. There is a $3000 check in my possession right now and THE PERFECT vehicle for my babygirl out there waiting for us to find it. Let the adventure begin.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Day Thirty of Beauty

♥Love all around. Reds and pinks and purples and white. Flowers and doilies and cupcakes and balloons. Smiles and hugs and kisses and warmth. Cupid tossing arrows and the desire to live it painting bulls~eyes in every direction.

♥Being someone's Valentine...a secret one, a lunch one, a text one, a funny one, a crazy one, a reluctant one, a dinner one and a yearning one.

♥Valentine kisses...air ones, cheek ones, blown ones, French ones, long distance ones and the one that made my toes curl.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Day Twenty Nine of Beauty

♥So little sleep that delirium set in and everything was either funny or so funny that it made me cry. Even when I fell in front of a cute guy, skinning my knee and ripping my favorite jeans. Being able to laugh was beauty~full...and if I hadn't been so tired, I would have been more embarrassed than entranced by my own special brand of grace~full~ness.

♥Thinking no but doing yes and having an obligation turn into magic. Fearless. Magic inducing fear~less~ness.

♥Living in this place for 20 years and always wondering how far the trail finding out that the answer is 5.5 miles each direction, 11 miles round trip. Taking that trail from one beauty~full place to another...a place I didn't even know you could walk to...a place that is even more majestic when looking up at it instead of across or down. A trail that is not visible from a road I take on a regular basis and now will change the way I view that passing landscape when I drive it. Today I hiked from the green bridge by the fish hatchery to the base of the spillway on the dam. I didn't even know it was possible or so completely lovely. Also sharing that experience with a kind soul with whom conversation is a joy.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Day Twenty Eight of Beauty

♥Can't say enough how great it is to have such a clean house...and to watch all the various people coming in and out of it showing respect to the babygirl for all her hard work.

♥An early morning drive to retrieve the boys, cooking Southern style breakfast and introducing mom to the Gallaghers on Showtime.

♥Saying no to an invitation out of absolute fear...calling back to say yes instead...deciding to be FEARLESS and it all working out.

Last year I took the kids on a hike to Bald Rock. I moved wrong climbing and started having back spasms so I yelled to them that I was heading back to the car and to take their time. It was an impromptu decision to do that hike and I was in a sundress and flip flops. With no phone. I got lost and it was approaching dark. When we arrived, we were the only car in the lot and we hadn't seen another soul the entire time we were there. I tried to backtrack and it was too steep. I was stuck and spasming pretty much nonstop by this point. I sat down and couldn't stop the tears. I couldn't breathe enough to yell through the hysterical tears...and I'm not a hysterical teary kind of girl. It was just too much...the hurting, the stuck feeling...the impending dark...the air turning cold. Finally I could yell but no one was responding. Until I heard a voice and saw a man. With a wolf. Seriously. A big smelly hairy wolf. He was pretty big and smelly and hairy himself. They both smelled like fresh green bud and it was right then that I realized what I had wandered into and that I would soon be in a shallow grave in the woods for trespassing on someone's illegal crop. Just as Yeti man made it to my side, the kids all appeared on the top of the ridge yelling and waving their arms. They came for me and Yeti man insisted on ensuring that we all got into the car and left. He stayed with us the entire painstaking trek back to the car and wrote my license plate number on his arm while blocking our way out of the parking space. Then he moved and we left.

Bald Rock is exactly what it sounds like, a big bare spot on the mountain. When we drove away from there that day, I cried tears of relief and swore I'd never ever go back. When I look at the mountains and there it is, all bald and obvious, it is a reminder of that stark terror feeling I had that day.

Well, today I went back. I went with two loves, one who has a navigation gene...the other with a great sense of humor and they brought me a whistle with a compass and a thermometer on it! I dressed appropriately and had my phone. It was LOVELY. I can look at the mountains and smile now...a victorious and happy smile from beating a fear and having a great time doing it!

The victorious view:


Friday, February 11, 2011

Day Twenty Seven of Beauty

♥Making the best of a potentially very bad day...and the people who went way out of their way or slightly out of their way or even offered to go out of their way to make it so.

♥An immaculately clean house compliments of my babygirl. Every day she amazes me in beauty~full ways.

♥An abrupt change in plans after another abrupt change in plans which resulted in a phone conversation that created new perspective and plans followed by being available for a little lovely who needed MY help with new perspective. Symbiosis at its best...heart symbiosis.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Day Twenty Six of Beauty

♥Attention. In all it's forms.

♥Affection. In all it's forms.

♥Adoration. In all it's forms.

Oh, yeah.





I have a life full of amazing~ness in human form. Yes, that means YOU.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Day Twenty Five of Beauty



♥Being fearless.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Day Twenty Four of Beauty

♥Being able to say the words "I'm super sensitive today and taking everything personally" and have those words be met with quiet acceptance. One of the most beautiful things is to be able to simply be...even when it's messy and have someone understand enough to just be there in that moment with you.

♥A windy walk on the dam at dusk...with Tone Loc, Young MC and Cypress Hill leading the way. Night, wind and water making me reminisce about the sailboating days with all of their love and laughter, silly drunken nights and endless tranquility.

♥157 lbs of white fluff curled up at my feet right now keeping them warm. Aiden, my prince.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Day Twenty Three of Beauty

Okay, I've made it 22 full days, 3 of which were Mondays and I remained positive and focused on the good, the lovely...the beauty~full. Today will be a lil bit different.

Today's Three Beauty~full things are:

♥That this day is over.

♥That tomorrow will not be Monday.

♥That all obligations, both internally and externally demanded, are over and I can quit for the day. Quit thinking, quit caring, quit moving, quit Quit QUIT!

Peace out.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Day Twenty Two of Beauty

♥Morning coffee with glad she's home.

♥Papasan chair, ottoman, fuzzy blanket...all the windows on the house open and the Gallaghers on TV.

♥An unexpected compliment "you have incredible eyes" followed by "and you smell incredible" during a super close super long hug in the kitchen.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Day Twenty One of Beauty

♥Sunshine. T-shirt, jeans and flip-flops. Top down on the Mustang. Flowers in my hair. Safety Suit on the stereo. A perfect Saturday.

♥Pamper day...the salon feeling more like an awesome friend's house...and my lovely beauty artist the awesome friend. Shirley Temples from the bar next door. My babygirl and I taking turns in the chair and a visit from the wife there as well.

♥A quiet night tonight to follow yesterday's rowdy one. So peaceful.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Day Twenty of Beauty

♥Money. Always nice.

♥A spontaneous trip to Paradise.

♥A new zebra striped shirt...for the Tainted Love concert tonight. There will be dancing and drinking and more dancing and more drinking.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Day Nineteen of Beauty

♥Being the recipient of a love coffee. If you haven't had one, you totally should. It's where your favorite coffee is bought for you just out of love. Tastes so much better!

♥Bringing momma home.

♥A quiet house and heading to bed early. Now, actually. G'nite...

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Day Eighteen of Beauty

♥A wake up work out that filled me with endorphins for the entire day.

♥Dressing like a fairy for work...with an invisible magic wand...that I used on patients and co-workers alike. ;)

♥Realizing I have an evening routine...I don't do routines! Turns out I do and they kinda rock sometimes.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Day Seventeen of Beauty

♥Doing it on repeat, the tough rough truthy words in simple terms...laying it out there to be seen in all it's raw genuine bare be seen if the seer is blessed with vision. Time will tell.

♥An entire day locked up with my work wife...for better or worse, baby! Knowing that love is about all the different mental and emotional places and trying to dole out extra portions of love Love LOVE when it seems needed.

♥VH1 Best Cruise Ever...reserved and booked and arranged and...and...and!!!

And a Tuesday extra...

♥Listed last because if I listed it first, I'd have to stop right there...there's nothing more to add after the gravy is on the potatoes or the icing is on the cake...right? These words..."I really fuckin miss you right now." ~sigh~