tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40717379223177249182024-03-05T09:49:03.160-08:00at a snail's pacetjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09302668068362942951noreply@blogger.comBlogger285125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071737922317724918.post-41364990138790597472018-01-05T10:05:00.001-08:002018-01-06T10:39:53.155-08:002018, I'm Coming for you...On New Year's Eve, I sat down to reflect on the past year and set my intentions for the one spread eagle in front of me. All I could think was "Fuck." Thinking about this past year totally exhausts me. Trying to enter the next one with intention feels like a Herculean task that I wish someone else would lay out and tell me where to go, what to do and how to be. This was the moment that the thought entered my mind to not do any of this. None at all. Was that an option? Just the thought made me so giddy that I knew I was on to something. I sat with the idea for a bit...the days of 2018 ticking away without any intentions, resolutions or plans of any sort. There were breathtaking sunrises and heartbreaking sunsets, a full moon that made magic in the clouds and all of it made me want to dance...so I did. In between my living room karaoke to 90's female country and dancing to playlists made by my fellow Murderinos, I sat down and wrote one list.<br />
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Love.<br />
Feel.<br />
Go.<br />
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I made <strike>six</strike> SEVEN travel plans with loves over the next 11 months spanning 9 states and two countries. I sat with a lady who I didn't realize I loved and let down my social worker boundaries that have somehow spilled over into my personal life and cried for her physical pain, her worry over her dog and the change in her life at this moment in time. I made a serious 20 day commitment with a friend who I didn't know needed it until I took a chance and asked her if it was okay that I tag along. I stopped telling a love how to love. I spoke some love truths of my own.<br />
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I also cleaned up my physical and digital life. I ripped up and burned every pdf, workbook, worksheet and reminder that I had at home and at work that had anything to do with mindfulness, spiritual growth, motivation and self-help. I deleted every file on my phone and my computer. I unjoined, unfollowed and unsubscribed all the woo-woo in my email and every social media platform I am present on. I let these things go with gratitude for where they had taken me and knowledge that my path with each was complete.<br />
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I am complete.<br />
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I am entering 2018 with balls and grit and guts and a heart broken wide open from every moment that came before...raw and ready for the next ecstasy and agony.<br />
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I am ready to breathe you in.<br />
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Brace yourself.<br />
<br />
xoxo.tjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09302668068362942951noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071737922317724918.post-44291595476283402672016-04-11T05:54:00.000-07:002016-04-11T06:01:05.984-07:00Love letter to Ft. BraggHi love. I get to see you today. I've been trying to stay busy, distracted...so that I wouldn't spend all of my time daydreaming about our upcoming time together. The anticipation has been taking me on quite the ride. Today I let the butterflies take flight in my belly and I'm piecing together things to bring with me...it's mostly whimsy. I bet you didn't know that a suitcase full of whimsy practically floats itself to the trunk of the car! On fairy feet. On gossamer wings.<br />
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You've been so much to me, evolving over the years from my first teenaged romantic getaway...when I thought gas station roses and dancing to Unchained Melody under your stars was the height of romance. (Wait, that still works for me. Let's have some of that this weekend, please). You were rowdy family reunions and days of watching my babies get to know your tastes and textures, your wildness and insulated safety. You were all magical forest camping and fires oceanside. You were glittering glass beaches full of dazzling wizardry and hikes where the towering ferns themselves made me feel my humanity. You were quenching and nourishing with your forests spilling over cliffs into an oftentimes stormy powerful sea...simultaneously grounding and lofty euphoria without a clear beginning or end. You were my honeymoon, my labor day, my birthday...you were disappointments and redemptions. You presented me with gifts from the depths of the sea, craft beers, whales and caves and even a coffin shaped like a big fish. <br />
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You mesmerized me...mesmerize me. You have embraced every love that I've brought with me, quenching and nourishing them just as diligently as you did me...young and old alike. I take you with me everywhere and each time we are together, I leave a piece of me behind.<br />
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I'm on my way...and we have magic to make.tjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09302668068362942951noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071737922317724918.post-20176147634337485512016-04-05T13:39:00.004-07:002016-04-05T14:12:11.114-07:00Random Tuesday Thoughts...I watched a movie last night, a funny movie that took me through joy into disgust and fear, tromping through envy and laughter and not just a little inspired to be more...more...well, more.<br />
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The main character was silly and fun but also steady in life. She feared that she was boring. I paused the movie there. I realized that I was holding my breath. On the exhale, I whispered "me too" and I got a little teary. <br />
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I'm sort of a homebody. I love this space that I've crafted to be my nest, cocoon, big hug at the end of the day away. I long for more time to cuddle my dogs, do yoga with my cat and domesticate my chicks more so that they might do some amazingly awesome things like my previous chickens did...like pecking on the sliding door to come in and lay their eggs quite noisily in abandoned Easter baskets just inside. I like to clean my house. I like to do my yard work. I like to talk to my trees that are still in their early years and vulnerable yet. My favorite place to read lately is curled up in my hanging basket chairs and I'm constantly on the hunt for a mosquito net to hang over my outdoor clawfoot tub. My bed is like a cloud and I really love cooking lately. I've discovered Salt n Pepa on Pandora and I get my groove on all over this little castle of mine. I've been listening to Jordan Petersen's Maps of Meaning lecture series and re-learning French. I'm fiercely attuned to rhythms these days...of mood, of season, of lunar phase, of thought. I'm deep in studying history as it pertains to my fascinating family tree, reading voraciously and taking classes on skywatching. <br />
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I have to laugh. <br />
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Boring?<br />
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Pfft.tjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09302668068362942951noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071737922317724918.post-80601872784740362442016-01-10T11:53:00.000-08:002016-01-10T12:21:59.183-08:002016, I own you...So, I lit my incense, gathered my favorite pen and colored pencils and laid out a fuzzy blanket. Ginger beer in hand, I sat down and spread out my last few year's declarations...with this year's blank worksheet in front of me. Coming out of "<a href="http://lovelyirregardless.blogspot.com/2015/01/inhabit-unihibitedly.html">inhabit unihibitedly</a>" for 2015, it seemed obvious that this year would be something along the lines of DO, BE, YES!<br />
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But...but. It wasn't working. I played with <i>accept</i> and <i>allow</i> and <i>flow</i> and <i>ease</i>. I fel in love with <i>enthusiasm</i>...but it didn't click in my soul. I meditated. I free wrote. I journaled all the prompts AGAIN. I made up words. I had a fire and burned the previous years' declarations, releasing the past so the future had room. I waved a feather through the incense and breathed deeply.<br />
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Nothing.<br />
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In frustration, I threw my hands up and declared FUCK IT!<br />
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...and I knew. In that moment, I knew.<br />
<br />
2016 is the year of <i>fuck it</i>.<br />
<br />
I feel free.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiic9QrEGELYgvBKBXZo41KyjFQY9bE9t0suIBljsvsvDDOvAFmHmFMk5My0z4bIVQnFRGHGKuQFrdNoOP319rVmuvNLfzt0MEpJPI7KKW_0OOGavsD9BeKQB-YXJiAoM8cmIOFI65O8OVS/s1600/FUCK+IT+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiic9QrEGELYgvBKBXZo41KyjFQY9bE9t0suIBljsvsvDDOvAFmHmFMk5My0z4bIVQnFRGHGKuQFrdNoOP319rVmuvNLfzt0MEpJPI7KKW_0OOGavsD9BeKQB-YXJiAoM8cmIOFI65O8OVS/s320/FUCK+IT+2.jpg" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivcycebtXM041pIxqcnWO2xDZicfAhh3uudmoJ4pkRr-rMe07RFaaC6tkKIOe1UoNfSNI2RFOznsPnIqgGr8er-ybK2nCGL-UMzIiAgJ52vyGJnaYTIDL3SG2FddTLSZRPlct6ACqOYD77/s1600/FUCK+IT.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivcycebtXM041pIxqcnWO2xDZicfAhh3uudmoJ4pkRr-rMe07RFaaC6tkKIOe1UoNfSNI2RFOznsPnIqgGr8er-ybK2nCGL-UMzIiAgJ52vyGJnaYTIDL3SG2FddTLSZRPlct6ACqOYD77/s320/FUCK+IT.jpg" /></a></div><br />
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(I've had to explain that, in my world, it's a deeply positive declaration that rolls up do, be, accept, allow, flow, ease and all the words that remove all the obstacles. It's a defiant yes when all the odds are stacked to the contrary. It's an embrace and a kiss on the lips when previously there would have been a decorous or polite distance. It's the biggest YES when before there would have been reasons, excuses or noncommittal maybes. It's frosted eye shadow after 40 and white shoes after Labor Day...high hemlines, cowboy boots and whiskey. It's making everything the big deal that it truly is...EVERYTHING! It's not acting one's age but acting one's heart and making memories with those who stick around after the embrace and the kiss on the lips. It's freedom of spirit. Fuck it! Enthusiastically!!) See the Pinterest board <a href="https://www.pinterest.com/tjwxoxo/fuck-it/">here.</a><br />
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As this year is in it's 10th day...I've been opening my heart in the most profoundly "fuck it" manner that feels like I have sprouted wings. So I'm making some. ;) What an adventure. See this developing Pinterest board <a href="https://www.pinterest.com/tjwxoxo/wings/">here</a>.tjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09302668068362942951noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071737922317724918.post-10849920244129954122015-01-15T22:30:00.000-08:002015-05-10T22:45:47.178-07:00Inhabit UnihibitedlyThis past year was all it was meant to be. It felt earned. The way things flowed from foot stomping grabbing the bull by the horns through all the phases until this past year when I sat still in peace. <br />
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2010 was <a href="http://lovelyirregardless.blogspot.com/2010/01/2010-carpe-diem-quam-minimum-credula.html">Carpe Diem and Moxie</a><br />
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2011 was <a href="http://lovelyirregardless.blogspot.com/2011/01/possibility-and-brilliance-in.html">Possibility and Brilliance</a><br />
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2012 was <a href="http://lovelyirregardless.blogspot.com/2012/01/2012.html">Trust</a><br />
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2013 was <a href="http://lovelyirregardless.blogspot.com/2013/01/imagine-allow.html">Imagine and Allow</a><br />
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2014 brought <a href="http://lovelyirregardless.blogspot.com/2014/01/quiescent-and-sanguine-aka-crepuscular.html">Quiescent and Sanguine, Quiescent and Crepuscular</a><br />
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2014 was the biggest self hug in the history of EVER. It was everything I dreamed it to be. It was a return home. Crossfit changed me one burpee at a time. Running away to remember where home is...an island whose energy heals the spirit, a circle of women who speak love as a language my heart could instantly translate, backroads of rural Montana where I was thrilled to get to know the man my son has become...is becoming, falling into a sibling puzzle like we each were missing a piece until then. Then there was the training...a return to the sensual in a group of fucking badass women who are changing the world, finding my place in a queendom, goddess training with my tribe, journey work with mountain lion...a queen in her own right. The beginning of Life Alchemy. I moved into my own space in so many ways...where I live, this body of mine, my spirit, a business of my own, my tribe. A universe that I will inhabit uninhibitedly.tjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09302668068362942951noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071737922317724918.post-62369375010190065072014-11-24T05:44:00.000-08:002014-11-24T05:47:11.575-08:00Wanting...I want more twirling, glee filled enthusiastic bursts of carefree abandonment and complete presence in the bubbly~ness of the moment. <br />
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I want to balance that with an overarching ability to be more grounded and calm, to be more deeply connected to those around me. Roots, intertwined and making us stronger.<br />
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I want to make sure I am taking time to be awed and to be magical. <br />
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I want a broad shouldered sexy man with a lopsided grin who knows himself backward and forward and is not afraid to give of himself. <br />
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I want breath on the back of my neck in the wee hours of the morning that wakes me in a state of honor, bliss and anticipation.<br />
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I want my home to be more self sufficient both in care and cost so that I might be freer to roam. <br />
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I want to walk...walk...and walk some more...The Camino, Turkey, Scotland...and dancing at every destination my feet carry me to. <br />
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I want remembering...the deep kind that channels through me and gives my loves wings upon which to leave me and return at will. The remembering that allows us to be settled and confident in each journey.<br />
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I want the abundant self love that allows me to take the time and money to only nourish this body with what it truly needs from the inside out. <br />
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I want to respond to my four legged family's hopeful eyes with more leash time that earns me this inspirational love and loyalty they freely give so that I might be more like them.<br />
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I want a career detour that includes gathering and teaching and the patience for those details to work themselves out because right at this moment, the only knowing I have is that I have things to share that are worth sharing and a heart that is wide open ready for it. <br />
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I want restful nights, journal time, star gazing, giggles and circling with sister souls and joyful moments that stretch into days and months. <br />
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I want insular foggy mornings, salt water baths, cucumber mint water in mason jars, puddles and Wellies, rain that washes me clean and steamy mirrors to quench and blur the lines between my body of water and all others.<br />
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tjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09302668068362942951noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071737922317724918.post-12946834624368837142014-11-11T22:41:00.000-08:002014-11-11T22:42:24.205-08:00For My Dad this Veteran's DayIf I could be with you today, it would be on a bench in a space specifically set aside, tended to and nurtured as a memorial. There would be a flag. There would be enough wind so that as we sat silently, we could hear its fabric song flapping softly. <br />
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I would hold your hand in both of mine, cradled in my lap. I would wonder where your thoughts were but wouldn’t burden you with my need to know. I would sit with you silently wondering how difficult your time serving our country was and how you managed to survive. I would be glad to hold you in that moment and be satisfied with the possibility of even a split second of peace in your soul that might come from that connection.<br />
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I wouldn’t be sure if my words should be that of thanks or apology so I would sit silently. I would wait for a cue or a sign or a sigh that might tell me which direction to go. I would hope to be a reprieve. To be a safe place. To be a confidante. To be brave enough to hear what you would finally share, knowing that I would gladly assume some of your burden if there was any possible way. I would hope that there was some sense to be made of your sacrifices.<br />
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I would send all of that to you through such a simple touch…and in that moment, everything would be okay.<br />
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It wouldn’t be a celebration, but it would be a beginning. I most mourn the loss of those beginnings.<br />
tjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09302668068362942951noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071737922317724918.post-7523132018076120282014-10-24T08:26:00.001-07:002014-10-24T08:35:55.154-07:00Just Breathe...I occasionally fall into a trap. The comparison trap. I'm on track toward a goal...any goal...and someone I'm connected to is on the same track. Maybe steps beyond me or steps behind. Maybe we vacillate. At times I feel like a coach and other times I feel like a slacker. Ouch. Sometimes I feel like a failure and the self recrimination becomes a demon that haunts my every decision. Comparison is so counterproductive. Even when I'm in the steps beyond camp, I struggle with feelings of superiority...knowing on a gut level that "sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind...the race is long, and in the end it's only with yourself" (Mary Schmich, Chicago Tribune, 1997) and that superiority merely causes breaks in connection which is the exact opposite of how I want to live this life.<br />
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So I regroup. Right now, in one goal, I am behind where I wish I was. I am beyond where I thought I would be. In comparison to those on my same journey, I struggle with judging their methods and goals. Judging...along with superiority become comparison's evil henchmen.<br />
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Here's where I am today. I woke up and it was foggy. ~sigh~ I love fog. I put on appropriate clothing and walked a couple of miles in the fog. Soaking it in, being fully present and insulated. Being held gently by one of the earth's amazing water tricks. I met my own methods and goals in that naturally meditative space. My goals don't tend to have numbers or letters or any measurable outcome. My goals are 100% totally and completely about <i>feeling</i>.<br />
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Succulent, Awed, Magical, Magnetic, Deeply Connected. Every day in every way. <br />
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Fitness? Succulent in my clothes, deeply connected to my body...not a body I happen to have but one I inhabit in a deeply connected feeling way. That requires hydration, restful sleep, meditation, pure nourishment and movement...pushing, pulling, lifting, running, dancing, skipping, walking. It requires I push my body in ways that allow me to feel it not only as I'm doing it but days after. I'm not about a number on a scale, a number on a tag or inches on a tape. I'm about being in this body passionately. <br />
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My career? Awed by my fellow humans. Magical to those who come to me for perspective and healing. Magnetic to those who crave my natural gifts. Deeply connected to a commitment to my fellow beings in all of their forms. <br />
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My world? Awed. Aware of my magical deep connection to all of our planet and mother nature's natural gifts. <br />
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My people? All of it. Succulent, I want to nourish them. Awed...I want to be soulfully nourished BY them. Magical...I want to practice being present in ways that transcend the obvious reality. Magnetic...I want to only be in the presence of those with whom the attraction is mutual and learn to let the others find their own other pole. Deeply connected...I want to wind my roots around and share those vital nutrients with others, becoming stronger naturally through this process...no more superficiality or avoidance.<br />
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My goals are mine. They are not superior or inferior to any other person's. There is no universal yardstick and I am truly never ahead or behind any other person. The race I am in with myself is not only long, it is <i>infinite</i>. The only possible measurement is how committed I remained on any given day to staying true to those feelings.<br />
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Today has infinite possibilities and I am grateful to the fog for the space to remember these things.tjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09302668068362942951noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071737922317724918.post-32270237394676656982014-09-25T20:35:00.000-07:002015-12-14T16:15:01.568-08:00Ain't it, baby.Ten years ago this past July 31st, we met. We knew each other well by that time, but on that night, we met. Completely. It was a meeting that neither of us expected and certainly weren't prepared for in the least. It was fantastic and it felt so...forever. Immediately, forever.<br />
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Ten years later, I know in every cell of my being that things happened just as they were supposed to...with the love and the light and the pain and the dark. I know that our agreement was to love, learn and enrich one another's lives and hearts. There was healing to be done and lessons meant to be mastered. You were meant to teach me to embrace fun and easy while I was meant to show you the safety of deep and meaningful.<br />
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We did it. There were late Saturday nights after dancing for hours fueled only by round after round of tequila and laughter. There were trips with long naps after hours upon hours of lovemaking followed by beach picnics and bar hopping for that last hour before closing. There was hand holding and whispers, gazes and words of love. There were moments of connection so unbelievably tangible and kisses that brought butterflies and mutual dreams to life.<br />
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We bungled it. We taught each other that those lessons came with pain. The fun and ease came with shattered trust buried under piles of lies and deception. The deep and meaningful came with the willingness to take it all away. <br />
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We did what we did because we were who we were. We moved apart and together so many times that there is no number capable of capturing it accurately. We hurt one another. We hurt ourselves.<br />
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Ten years later, I asked my soul how to proceed. We've used up our chances. The pain has overcome the love, the agreements, the hope, the lessons. I'm not afraid of being separate from you any longer. I'm not afraid of letting you down. I'm not afraid of anything, actually. I know that we've done too much damage and that we have nothing left to learn from one another. I know these things. I know that my future holds lessons but I also know that we are no longer each other's teachers. <br />
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We ended ten years after we started, to the day. I felt it, like the absence of the itch when a wound has completely healed.<br />
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We are free.<br />
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tjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09302668068362942951noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071737922317724918.post-28808978106972121572014-09-15T21:26:00.001-07:002014-09-15T21:26:21.616-07:00Sweet reliefThings changed in my world in February. A change I could roll with, a change that loyalty required I grin and bear. A change that would necessitate the development of the mantra "help for so many, you can do this." I have lived it fully...with all of the challenges and triumphs that were part of the journey. <br />
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I finally understand people who leave their 9-5 six figure a year job to work at Starbucks. <br />
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The things I have learned in the past few months are this: <br />
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First: just because you're good or great at something does not mean that you should do it and do it and do it...especially exclusively. Imagine this concept in regard to a muscle. If you knew that your biceps were your best muscle and you directed all of your attention to them, you would end up with huge beautifully defined biceps on a body that doesn't match. Other muscles would wither and atrophy. Some would compensate but compensating is so far from the equal attention they deserve and, quite frankly, require to create a healthy and balanced human being. <br />
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Second: if your integrity does not line up with how you're being asked to do something, the cost is too high. You pay for this in pieces of your self-worth. On a soul level, when this happens, destructive compensation measures kick in. Your you-ness erodes and you hardly recognize the person behind the behaviors, habits, thoughts and fears. <br />
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Third: you are the only one responsible for understanding and supporting all of this. I'm a big fan of "ask for what you need" but I also follow that with "be okay with no as an answer" and when that answer is no, allow yourself to respond authentically. Knowing how, when and where to seek a beginning of an end is crucial. Doing so with grace is a must...and a gift.<br />
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So...change is rolling in like a fog or a marine layer...but when it lifts or dissipates, everything will be in sharp relief again. Relief AND relief. ~sigh~<br />
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Succulent? Magical? Magnetic? Awed? Deeply connected? Oh, yes. tjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09302668068362942951noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071737922317724918.post-53388729285661535042014-05-11T10:06:00.003-07:002014-05-11T11:46:39.858-07:00Mother's Day, The first day of the rest of our relationship.It's Mother's Day. I feel vaguely ambivalent...and it is devastating me. I know at some point, I will see my babies and we will spend 5 minutes or 5 hours together and it will be all that I could wish for. That part of Mother's Day is easy.<br />
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It's the having a mother part that is hard for me. My whole life, it's been a holiday whose approach I dread. The cards? They are all about "always there for me" and "helped me be the strong woman I am" etc, etc, etc. It's not that I disagree with any of those sentiments, per se. My mother was always there for me. She did help me become the strong woman I am. I do love her immensely. But there is still a bitter sting attached to the hows. There is a shit ton of garbage from the past that isn't decomposing on it's own. And it should have by now, if it was going to..with all of the time and pretending it doesn't exist that we have perfected into an art.<br />
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I'm 42. I'm lucky to have a mother. She's been through some health crises that scared us both and I can't even begin to imagine a world without her. I absolutely love her. I would do anything for her. I also know that there isn't a single thing she can do about the past...and she couldn't apologize in a way that would be more meaningful, heartfelt and genuine than the thousands of times she has before.<br />
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It confuses me so grieviously that I can be grateful and loving toward her and still hurt so tremendously over the past. It's affecting our relationship...and there is sadly not a damn thing she can do about it. The burden is on me. I'm the one who has to do something. I'm the one who has to do the deep soul work to release this shit. It's just so scary...so necessary, so beyond its time and did I mention so fucking scary? It's almost as if still being resentful keeps her in line...keeps her from becoming complacent and possibly repeating the past because she got off easy. Easy. Ha. It can't be easy by any stretch of the imagination to be on the other side of this relationship.<br />
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Today, my momma is loving and patient. She's funny, generous, thoughtful and kind...but she's sad a lot and I don't know how to help her with her sadness when I carry this terrible burden of resentment squarely between us. That makes her sadder.<br />
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Her Mother's Day gift this year is going to be that I'm done pretending. I'm done waiting for that magical moment when the piles of hurt from the past disappear on their own. My gift to my mother, to myself, to my kids and to all of those around me who see how I carry and defend my resentments is that I'm going to do something about it.<br />
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Starting today...despite how scary it is, I start where I can...peeking at it as much as possible. It starts with me and it starts today. It starts with an "I'm sorry" for waiting so long and that I'm so unbelievably grateful that the opportunity still exists.<br />
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tjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09302668068362942951noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071737922317724918.post-59970451432727639712014-05-07T19:53:00.002-07:002015-05-10T22:34:51.206-07:00The One That Got AwayDear The One Who Got Away, <br />
<br />
It kind of sounds like I had you shackled in my basement, doesn't it? <br />
<br />
You are my "One That Got Away" not because you were my great love or because there was some amazing future to be had by us as a couple. You are my "One That Got Away" because YOU left ME. That was a first for me. Confusing. Humbling. Ridiculous. And you left me for HER. Pfft.<br />
<br />
I'm writing you this love letter to say thank you. Thank you for getting away. Thank you for leaving me. Thank you for leaving me for HER. <br />
<br />
I needed some humbling. I needed some lessons. I needed a great opportunity to handle myself with grace and class. With your loving behavior through those worst of times, I emerged able to hold my head up high.<br />
<br />
Fifteen years later, the lessons are so clear. Fifteen years later, I'm still able to smile about the time together without there being a pallor dulling things down even one notch.<br />
<br />
Dear The One Who Got Away, I know you loved me with all you had in you back then. I know you followed your heart and it's taught me to trust...instead of the opposite. I trust everyone, all the time. I trust for a multitude of other reasons but also I trust that people will do what is right for them in the moment. I trust that I attract strong people who are capable of hurting someone else if it's the best choice in the long run. I trust that when we peaked, it was good. It was the kind of good that brings back a smile fifteen years later. <br />
<br />
I didn't learn to run and shut down when you did the loving thing and let me go. I learned that sometimes, no matter how hard I want something, the intuitive level must be trusted.tjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09302668068362942951noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071737922317724918.post-23852562156496158052014-05-01T22:04:00.001-07:002015-05-10T22:35:17.063-07:00Love Letter to a Lime TreeDear Keffir Lime Tree, <br />
<br />
I want you to know that you are where you are ON PURPOSE. I thought about you. I researched you. I called and arranged your delivery. I picked you up and nestled you into my car. After all of that, I delivered you and lovingly placed you into a new set of hands. You'll be cared for well. Very well. You will be fed and watered and admired. There will be worms and mulch and I couldn't do it better myself. You will be useful and you will bring joy.<br />
<br />
You represent to me my ability to rise above circumstance. You proved to me that I am capable of letting go. You showed me that I can be completely unselfish and not be attached to an outcome...but that I can imagine and celebrate something that I won't have even a slight glimpse of. Something that for so long was tainted.<br />
<br />
I sent you to a place to be with a person I can't be with...in a place that needed to stop having any meaning at all to me. I sent you to grow and fulfill your greatest potential, whatever it is. I sent you because I need to believe in potential.<br />
<br />
Your purpose is already fulfilled. <br />
<br />
The rest is bonus.<br />
<br />
Thank you.tjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09302668068362942951noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071737922317724918.post-88026063935504688282014-04-28T19:35:00.001-07:002014-04-28T19:39:25.737-07:00Love letter to meI am participating in 40 days of Love Letter writing. Today's prompt is to write a love letter to yourself. Here goes...<br />
<br />
Dear Tara, <br />
<br />
I hope you take a moment in your favorite reality to read this. Brew some hibiscus tea. Put on fuzzy socks. Turn on some Sinead Lohan. Burn some incense and turn on the twinkle lights. You're pretty cool, you know.<br />
<br />
You've been through a lot lately. Big changes. Adjustments of enormous proportions. It was kind of nice to see you finally lose your shit over the past few weeks. It's even nicer to see you balanced and twirling again. Hopeful. Optimistic.<br />
<br />
You're kind of in a pickle these days with work and home and all those changes and adjustments. I heard a quote today that made me think of your situation. "It isn't easy but it IS simple." I see you working your way back to simple and I have to say that after all of these years knowing you, simple really really works for you. I'm rooting for you to get there, to simple again.<br />
<br />
You are pretty, intelligent, fun and funny. You're a loyal friend and so very aware of your baggage. You're considerate and you have pretty good morals. Your baggage gets in your own way sometimes and at times you are curt or overly abrupt as a result...but you're extremely reliable for knowing when you're doing it and calling it what it is. When you're ready to be a bit softer, there are people waiting to get closer to you. In your own time, love. In your own time.<br />
<br />
You worked very hard for the career you have, and it's inspiring to see how you took your natural gifts and found a way to have someone hand over money for it. Stop thinking you're tricking them, what you do has great value. I called them gifts because that is exactly what they are...you give so much and it comes from a deep well of specialness that is there because of who you are. Trust it. Trust it more. Trust it always.<br />
<br />
There isn't much room in a love letter to tell you things that you need to change...but love isn't all about what is right and perfect. Sometimes love is about saying that tough thing that needs to be said. So here goes. I know you've been a little lonely lately. I know you cry. I know you want. I also know that you're a little scared...for good reason. But the tough truth is that you will continue to be lonely until you decide to stop being scared. People will lie, people will be insensitive, people will be selfish. But you're people too, and you do those things also. You want to be loved and brought in close...so do they. I told you earlier that there are people waiting to get close to you and it's perfectly fine to do it in your own time...but I see you suffering. I have to ask: what will it take for your want to be stronger than your fear? Can you start small? Can you start now? You can handle ANYTHING. Take some chances. I've got your back. Delve into your reasons, I'll catch you.<br />
<br />
On that note, with that one area as an exception, you are resourceful, imaginative, creative and adventurous beyond belief. <br />
<br />
Go get em, Tiger.<br />
<br />
PS. Spend more time in fuzzy socks.tjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09302668068362942951noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071737922317724918.post-63615503376199023862014-04-27T20:44:00.002-07:002014-04-27T20:44:38.463-07:00Sunday's Beauty~a better hair day...and plans for an adventurous one coming up real soon!<br />
<br />
~hot water, fresh ginger & local honey. Amazeballs.<br />
<br />
~turning the alarm off...sleeping in tomorrow is on the agenda!tjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09302668068362942951noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071737922317724918.post-73194506555368151312014-04-26T21:45:00.002-07:002014-04-26T21:45:21.045-07:00Saturday's Beauty~rain. rain is so romantic.<br />
<br />
~laughter. in the movie theater, LOUD.<br />
<br />
~a good hair day.tjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09302668068362942951noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071737922317724918.post-18262475605972837002014-04-25T21:29:00.001-07:002014-04-25T21:29:28.516-07:00Friday's Beauty~A Friday that felt like a Saturday. A lazy Saturday.<br />
<br />
~Money. Getting it, giving it, saving it, spending it...buying local honey with my money!<br />
<br />
~Getting to cradle a little developing human with only a layer of momma between her kicks and my hand. tjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09302668068362942951noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071737922317724918.post-60649615051905086062014-04-24T22:20:00.001-07:002014-04-24T22:20:20.392-07:00Wednesday sucked, so Thursday gets SIX beauty~full things!~Blueberry pomegranate vinaigrette. Seriously BEAUTIFUL...my taste buds say it is so!<br />
<br />
~Having a shirt in my work wardrobe that lives up to it's name "the disco shirt" and all the great smiles, compliments and conversation it evokes!<br />
<br />
~The complete change in my attitude about exercise over the past couple of months. I now have moves that are my favorites!<br />
<br />
~My babygirl napping in my bed.<br />
<br />
~My babyboy doing something that he's always wanted to but was slightly out of his grasp...doing it on his own, in his own way and ROCKING it.<br />
<br />
~70s lite rock. Elton will always have my heart. Always and forever.tjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09302668068362942951noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071737922317724918.post-46979917675785564292014-04-22T20:55:00.002-07:002014-04-22T20:55:33.241-07:00Tuesday's Beauty~Morning routine morphing with the seasons, now including watering the garden...coffee in hand and furbabies at my flip-flop ensconced feet. No more slippers.<br />
<br />
~Doing the kind of giving work that comes from the heart and helps, bit by bit.<br />
<br />
~Running (NEVER thought I'd EVER say that). Marking my time and anticipating the day when that number changes.tjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09302668068362942951noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071737922317724918.post-49619966526642762592014-04-21T17:42:00.000-07:002014-04-21T17:42:41.497-07:00Monday's Beauty~This damn cat that I didn't bank on...didn't plan on...wasn't sure I had physical or heart space for...the same cat who HUGS MY HEAD WITH IT'S WHOLE BODY while I sleep. Oh, the cuteness is just killing me. I woke up all warm and fuzzy. BEST way to start a Monday!<br />
<br />
~Working with my fitness partner, lunching with my best girl and my momma bringing me a lifesaving care package at work.<br />
<br />
~THE CARROTS SPROUTED! This gardening business is full of daily surprises and fun Fun FUN!!!tjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09302668068362942951noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071737922317724918.post-43889387131397579702014-04-20T20:14:00.002-07:002014-04-20T20:14:41.793-07:00Sunday's Beauty~Waking slowly. Taking time then taking THE WHOLE DAY just to be still and quiet and to refuel.<br />
<br />
~House, MD. Addicted. <br />
<br />
~Finding that the radishes have sprouted! And the kale! C'mon carrots!!!tjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09302668068362942951noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071737922317724918.post-30139225306193032402014-04-19T21:43:00.002-07:002014-04-19T21:43:50.838-07:00Saturday's Beauty~Coffee. Strong. Hazelnut. Mmmmmm... <br />
<br />
~Taking the day as it came, in a magical place where magical things happen if you let them. <br />
<br />
~7.5 miles on my bike, some uphill...some I had to walk...but all a joy. Across the Golden Gate Bridge and then a ferry ride back on choppy seas so close to Alcatraz.<br />
<br />
One more just for the hell of it...<br />
<br />
~Coming home to clean sheets ready to be put on the bed, a whole body gratifying soreness and the long forgotten excitement of having to drop film off to have it developed...the delayed gratification and feeling of prolonging a great weekend...more magic.tjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09302668068362942951noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071737922317724918.post-7377218992095240482014-04-19T08:54:00.001-07:002014-04-19T08:54:48.234-07:00Friday's Beauty~A lovely workday. Busy, productive, helpful. <br />
<br />
~A misunderstanding that worked out just fine.<br />
<br />
~A road trip to the most magical city I know. Car, feet, trolley, taxi...hills and architecture...people and laughter...sushi and saki that lasted til midnight...calling it a day in the cutest hotel room ever. tjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09302668068362942951noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071737922317724918.post-3694837141239903882014-04-19T08:47:00.001-07:002014-04-19T08:48:22.290-07:00Thursday's Beauty~Boundaries. Sometimes you have to admit the monster under the bed has questionable intentions and spray that Monster-be-gone. Heavily and with purpose!<br />
<br />
~Taking time for me....and my absence being noted. Remembering later that the gym IS a place to take time for me and vowing to go Go GO there even if I'm afraid the physical exertion might be that thing that releases the emotional pressure valve. I can cry and release WHILE running and squatting and burpee-ing!<br />
<br />
~Titanic. Love that movie. Emotions, released.tjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09302668068362942951noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4071737922317724918.post-82268189665942277242014-04-16T21:39:00.001-07:002014-04-16T21:39:08.885-07:00Wednesday and Beauty~full ConnectionsThree beauty~full things about my day today...a day off of work and obligation. A day of freedom.<br />
<br />
~Rising before the sun, cooking for my babygirl before she headed off to her JOB...her great big JOB. Doing the mom thing that feels so nourishing to me as well as to her. Handing her a vitamin too...feeling important, knowledgeable and needed.<br />
<br />
~Hiking with my babyboy's love. A mountain top, flowers, cows, jokes, sweat, conversation, waterfalls and open sky. A shaded picnic of beef jerky, watermelon and dark chocolate covered goji berries. I missed her as soon as she left. I bragged about it for aeons to my babyboy later and reveled in his happiness that we did this thing together.<br />
<br />
~Wine, complaining and great conversation with my favorite witch. Safe space. Acceptance. Appreciation. Lovely.tjhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09302668068362942951noreply@blogger.com0