Thursday, September 25, 2014

Ain't it, baby.

Ten years ago this past July 31st, we met. We knew each other well by that time, but on that night, we met. Completely. It was a meeting that neither of us expected and certainly weren't prepared for in the least. It was fantastic and it felt so...forever. Immediately, forever.

Ten years later, I know in every cell of my being that things happened just as they were supposed to...with the love and the light and the pain and the dark. I know that our agreement was to love, learn and enrich one another's lives and hearts. There was healing to be done and lessons meant to be mastered. You were meant to teach me to embrace fun and easy while I was meant to show you the safety of deep and meaningful.

We did it. There were late Saturday nights after dancing for hours fueled only by round after round of tequila and laughter. There were trips with long naps after hours upon hours of lovemaking followed by beach picnics and bar hopping for that last hour before closing. There was hand holding and whispers, gazes and words of love. There were moments of connection so unbelievably tangible and kisses that brought butterflies and mutual dreams to life.

We bungled it. We taught each other that those lessons came with pain. The fun and ease came with shattered trust buried under piles of lies and deception. The deep and meaningful came with the willingness to take it all away.

We did what we did because we were who we were. We moved apart and together so many times that there is no number capable of capturing it accurately. We hurt one another. We hurt ourselves.

Ten years later, I asked my soul how to proceed. We've used up our chances. The pain has overcome the love, the agreements, the hope, the lessons. I'm not afraid of being separate from you any longer. I'm not afraid of letting you down. I'm not afraid of anything, actually. I know that we've done too much damage and that we have nothing left to learn from one another. I know these things. I know that my future holds lessons but I also know that we are no longer each other's teachers.

We ended ten years after we started, to the day. I felt it, like the absence of the itch when a wound has completely healed.

We are free.

Monday, September 15, 2014

Sweet relief

Things changed in my world in February. A change I could roll with, a change that loyalty required I grin and bear. A change that would necessitate the development of the mantra "help for so many, you can do this." I have lived it fully...with all of the challenges and triumphs that were part of the journey.

I finally understand people who leave their 9-5 six figure a year job to work at Starbucks.

The things I have learned in the past few months are this:

First: just because you're good or great at something does not mean that you should do it and do it and do it...especially exclusively. Imagine this concept in regard to a muscle. If you knew that your biceps were your best muscle and you directed all of your attention to them, you would end up with huge beautifully defined biceps on a body that doesn't match. Other muscles would wither and atrophy. Some would compensate but compensating is so far from the equal attention they deserve and, quite frankly, require to create a healthy and balanced human being.

Second: if your integrity does not line up with how you're being asked to do something, the cost is too high. You pay for this in pieces of your self-worth. On a soul level, when this happens, destructive compensation measures kick in. Your you-ness erodes and you hardly recognize the person behind the behaviors, habits, thoughts and fears.

Third: you are the only one responsible for understanding and supporting all of this. I'm a big fan of "ask for what you need" but I also follow that with "be okay with no as an answer" and when that answer is no, allow yourself to respond authentically. Knowing how, when and where to seek a beginning of an end is crucial. Doing so with grace is a must...and a gift.

So...change is rolling in like a fog or a marine layer...but when it lifts or dissipates, everything will be in sharp relief again. Relief AND relief. ~sigh~

Succulent? Magical? Magnetic? Awed? Deeply connected? Oh, yes.