Saturday, March 22, 2014

Just today...

Yesterday was a porcupine day, as you can probably tell without reading between any lines. I felt like I was trying my hardest to make my way...smooth and ambling...and then I would get poked. UP would go the quills and I'd grit my teeth, close my eyes and concentrate...willing them back down. Sometimes successful. All the time stressful.

Sharing how I was feeling, I was wisely instructed to pay attention to porcupine medicine.

I found this:

"Prickly, stickly, do not push
Into my life without consent.
Unasked advice has no price.
Control is not good intent."


Innocence, Wonder

The Porcupine has very powerful medicine:
that of faith and trust.
You can move mountains with these powers.

A Porcupine totem reminds you not
to get caught in the chaos of the world,
where fear, greed and suffering are commonplace.

Its medicine is relief from the seriousness of life.
Open your heart to those things that gave you joy as a child;
remember fantasy and imagination
and bring into your life again.

I followed that advice today. There has been too much helplessness and hopelessness lately surrounding things I simply can't walk away from...not just yet, at least.

Today I joined a group of new faces for a hike in a place I've never been. I rescued a bat! It was amazing! I took my time on a project, being technical and precise and finding joy in the outcome. I laid on a blanket under the sun and thought about nothing of any importance. I did a kind thing for someone on a whim. Then I went swimming. Just me. For hours on end...just doing my own thing. Somersaults. Handstands, floating, diving...pushing the limits of my lungs...and I even made funny hairdos. I got a little sunburned. It was worth it. Totally!

Tomorrow I get to do do whatever I want AGAIN! I booked a massage! Then the day is wide open to me.

I feel very much less quills-up and I am going to do my very best to carry this feeling with me.

Moreover, I'm going to have faith and trust in ME...and if it's time to walk away, no mountains of shoulds will get in my way.

Friday, March 21, 2014

What I know, today...

I seem to have lost my filter today.

I don't want your conditional presence.

I don't want to pretend the elephant is not in the middle of the room.

I don't want to change who I am to fit your needs.

I don't want to care about the judgement I feel you doling out.

I don't want a friendship that stops at some line in the sand.

I don't want expectations that you're not willing to tell me about outright.

I don't want to reveal my vulnerability and have you poke it.

I don't want to worry at all, ever, about any of this superficial shit.

So, for those of you whom I love but found yourself completely baffled today wondering what the fuck just happened and why the response you were expecting was so different, there's your reason. No punches were pulled today. Some almost got thrown.

I'm not ashamed to say I have days like this.

Tomorrow? It's me on my feet and on my bike under the sunny sky and on the trails. There's no room for pretense there.

And the day after that? I'll be back in love with you and we'll be okay. My edges will be softened and I promise to not make you bleed.

But for now, maintain a perimeter.

For both our sakes.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Welcoming Spring with Beauty & Bliss

Three beauty~full things about my day today:

~Getting glad in the same pants I got mad in. My babygirl is 20. She's in a transition place right now in her life, it's lovely. It's not lovely when she sleeps in until 11 when I know there are things that she should be doing...some things that she said she would do for me. Today, she snapped at me and we ended a phone conversation with abruptness on both of our parts...unusual for us. I fumed. I breathed. I took care of the items on that mental to-do list I thought she should be getting after that were, in actuality, mine to do. I did my own thing and had a great morning. There was still a lot on my mind. I admire that girl more than she could possibly imagine. This transition place that she's in? It's HERS. That mental to-do list? She is the only one who should be adding items. This is her time to figure out this next little bit of her identity and her life. Her abruptness reminded me that I'm trying to do too much. I'm trying to guide and influence more than I should. She doesn't need a boss or a life coach. She needs a mom and a friend. Message received. Lovingly. Wholeheartedly. We ended up spending time together that was priceless.

~Being a master of EVERYTHING that I touched today. I brought a dead electric lawnmower that was headed for the landfill back to life today...with maximum assistance from Google. There was splicing and bypassing and it all amazingly turned out perfect! I fixed a broken wheelbarrow. I did yardwork. I built a gopher-proof (I hope) garden box. I worked a little more on the garden fence. I rocked my Crossfit workout. I made Thai lettuce wraps that were refreshing and delicious. Last night I even installed a new, locking mailbox for my momma...complete with cutting and installing a new wooden platform. (I didn't, however, find who stole my favorite pen at work.)

~Time for me. After feeling so amazing in my relationship with my babygirl, so good about my day and the contentedness of a belly full of healthy food eaten in the company of my two favorite Geminii, here I sit. Writing. With a mug of sleepytime tea, a minty clay mask on my face and my feet soaking. Bliss.

"Life has its own hidden forces which you can only discover by living." ~Soren Kierkegaard

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Never a dull moment when you're around...

Dear Change,

Hey buddy. It's amazing how you keep such a low profile for so long...only subtly entering into the conversation or situation. How you make magical, amazing things happen and there are smiles, laughter and celebrations but little to no credit. But. Then the opposite occurs with all of the mysterious, scary things and you are solely to blame. Cliches are tossed about. Change is hard. Change is scary. Everybody hates Change. At this time, you're met with dread and resistance...sometimes the kind that involves kicking and screaming.

Well, when you started knocking on my door recently, I reacted with a low key version of the kicking and screaming...more like fancy footwork and whispering my truth into attentive ears. Turns out my truth differs from yours...and today you lost your patience with me...forcing the issue. I was pretty angry with you. You were certainly scary despite how kind and gentle you presented. There was even laughter. Laughter. Clever, Change. Sneaky, actually. Diabolical, even. At one point, I felt like you won...and tears of defeat welled up in my eyes. I continued balking.

Then I remembered how not too long ago, I tempted your bedmate, Fate. I remembered stating out loud that this Change was coming. I remembered claiming it. Proudly. With conviction. It appears that I have manifested this, and you're not to blame at all, Change.

This is my gratitude.

Tomorrow, the celebration.



Sunday, March 16, 2014

Do it or don't do it...

Today was a day of doing what was important first.

I was at work, fighting to remain present...struggling to take things seriously...barely concentrating on what was right in front of me. Then the headache started. I gave in. I recognized what was important. I went home and gave my mind and body what it was demanding. Sleep. Sound, heavy sleep. I took my work phone home for emergencies but I honestly don't know if I could have possibly heard it from that far away place I was visiting.

Then my babygirl showed up. Earlier than expected and asking for some momma time. Have I mentioned much about this little gem that calls me Momma? Probably not, like not saying your birthday wish out loud before blowing out the candles or that wish you make on a star...speaking it aloud feels like tempting the fates to do the opposite. I shy away from talking about her because of how AMAZING we are together at this stage of the game. Suffice it to say that at 20 years old, she seeks out spending time together doing crazyfun things or doing absolutely nothing. Bliss.

We went out for food...the kind that nourishes your cells and soul. We picked up a movie. We cuddled up on the couch and promptly fell asleep again. There was work to do. There is always tomorrow.

So, the movie is over and there is time to write...all I could think about when I sat here were all the travel destinations I'd rather look up than write tonight. So, I did. I looked and I dreamed. I found the perfect place to host a creative weekend getaway for my tribe...and I'm mentally planning it.

In the spirit of accountability, I told my group that there was no writing tonight. I was held gently in a space obviously meant to nurture me and remind me to go easy on myself.

“The Principle of Priority states (a) you must know the difference between what is urgent and what is important, and (b) you must do what’s important first.” ~Steven Pressfield

I did what was important first.

Then the writing came.

Off to bed.


Friday, March 14, 2014

Thug life

Thursday night, I was amped up. Hair in a ponytail, sunglasses on, windows down, music up loud and probably driving a little too fast. I was headed to a Crossfit workout that was sure to hand my ass to me and I was riding high on anticipation.

I pulled up behind my son's best friend who was stopped in his truck at a stop sign with his girlfriend riding shotgun. This kid personifies down home witty America like no other...and his sense of humor is fun to play with. So, I did. I honked. He flipped me off and I did it back with both hands, laughing out loud. He turned right. I turned the same direction. He was driving ridiculously slow and flipped me off again when I easily caught up with him. It crossed my mind that he might not recognize me...times have changed and things have changed...mainly and quite importantly, the very car I drive. The road was wide so I pulled off to the right to pass him ( illegal) and he floored it, yelling something incomprehensible but sure to be extremely colorful. We quickly ran out of road and I wasn't letting off. He did. I pulled in front of him. More hand gestures on his part and me laughing maniacally at this point...he was SO MAD!!! A couple of miles later, he's driving normal a few cars back and all is calm. I realize that I have his mother's Farberware butcher knife still sitting on my dash from a separate incident a couple of weeks prior. We approach a stop sign. He pulls next to me. Grinning my consiprational grin, I pause the music and hold the butcher knife in my fist...where he can see it clearly through the open window.


Not him.

Girlish screams prevail followed by a high pitched accusation that I am a crackhead before he burned rubber and was out of sight in no time flat.


I haven't stopped laughing since.

I'm laughing RIGHT NOW.

I removed some distinctive items from my car and I'm keeping a low profile. I truly feel bad for this guy who obviously needed to go home and change his undies. But I can't stop laughing at how OUT OF CHARACTER this whole thing was for me and how hilarious it seems to me.

Never a dull moment...

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Where my demons hide

I love to write. I love to imagine and create and edit and pull others into a reality I spin just for them...and me.

I love the jolt of fear that courses through me when someone tells me they have read or are reading what I write. It comes with the territory...I have a blog. It's public. I'm a word exhibitionist. There's no room for fear in this place. So, the fear fades quickly and my demons recede. My demon. Singular. The one from my past. The one who took a red pen to the journal he found nestled beneath my mattress. The one who said that you're either born with a talent or not...and I should go to nursing school since I was obviously in the not in the born with it camp. When I was first paid for my writing, I kept waiting for them to realize their see me for the fraud I was and pull out of the deal.

They didn't pull out of the deal and the red pen is long gone. I didn't go to nursing school and I most certainly AM a writer.

I write from the heart and it binds my heart to those who are my kindreds. I want YOU to be my kindred. When I fall in love with your heart, your smile, your words, your path with all of its struggles and triumphs, it becomes supremely important for it to be a mutual falling. I want to laugh and cry over how amazing it is to connect with one another. It doesn't matter to me if it's over one story or poem or blog post or facebook status or if it is something that develops into hunger for more.

Let's fall.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014


I'm so ready for something.

I wish I knew what it was. It feels important.

I'm so committed to living from the center of a wide open heart.

I don't care if I seem cheesy or silly...if I don't fit into the norms or if I'm too far into your personal space. I don't care about much of anything other than soaking it ALL in. ALL OF IT. ALL THE TIME. I don't care if you're mean and I'm not afraid of ridicule or rejection. If I'm living my life my way, there is no wrong way to do it.

I'm open to suggestion. Overt. Subtle. Whatever works. I'll take a mint. I'll take a hint. I'll move on and I'll fuck up and I'll say I'm sorry with words and with my eyes and with every atom of my being. I'll appreciate you and I'll forget your birthday. But I will love you. And I will love you something fierce.

I lost my pretense somewhere along the way. I hope whoever finds it tosses it aside. It's heavy...heavier than any human trying to connect with another could possibly handle.

I'm ready for something.

I think I know how I got here. It wasn't easy.

I was so committed to making everyone else happy...and that's a fool's errand.

I tried to mitigate and minimize and find the silver lining each and every time. It was all pretend, and everyone knew it but me. I tried to pretend it into reality. I cared about everyone else's needs and wants and possible reactions or feelings about ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING. I spent so very much energy formulating preemptive strikes.

Then I gave up. I gave in to the fact that everyone gets to feel their own feelings on their own time...make their own mistakes when mistakes were called for. I let go of ownership and was repaid with appreciation...which was opposite of what my common sense told me would happen.

Relationships are mended. Mending. Evolving. There is kindness where animosity was the only norm for many years. There is acceptance. Radical acceptance. There is a dance...a slow dance where partners twirl away and only return when the steps are choreographed to be so.

I love to dance.

I'm so ready for something.

Maybe it's dancing.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Pain and Panic

There's a cat. Sitting there, probably half dreading and half longing to meet me.

I'm a little afraid there will be a mutual falling back in love when I finally get in there.

One week ago, the SPCA called me. They had my cat. Problem with that is: I don't have a cat. I do now.

In 2008, I adopted one cat and fostered another to help our new kitty who was too young to be alone. A training wheel kitty, if you will. A wingman. A co-worker met her and she ended up going to live with their family once her job with our kitty was done. I haven't seen this girl since 2008. I was told she died.

Then the SPCA called and said that they had my cat.

I posted a status. I called the personnel department of my work to see if they could contact the last number known for this past coworker. I had signs posted by the grocer in the small rural area where they last lived. The video store called the last number on file for them. I really really tried...thinking they would want their furry family member back.

No answer.

I started making a contingency plan but I had until today. Today, the family called. My heart soared. Then it sank.

There is now a cat in the laundry room. I have no clue what to do with a cat at this point in my life. There might not be room in this house...where I don't make all of the calls. There might not be room in my future...where I might be away for long periods of time. I'm not sure what room there is...but this story of reunion is kind of amazing and there certainly is room in my heart for a furry love with a story I'll never know but who found it's way back into my life.

Eight and a half pounds of beautiful black furry uncertainty. Let the adventure begin.

Monday, March 10, 2014

Stealing Beauty

I've been watching a movie. Obsessively. More nights in a row than I can recall. Never fully, as I fall asleep...and wake to the credits each time. Oh, the music in the credits. ~sigh~

I can't seem to make it through this movie and I can't seem to sleep through that music.

This movie is so tactile. Lush. Creative. Sweltering. Sultry. Seductive. Melancholy. Secretive.

I make it through the introduction to the Italian countryside. Through the romance of arriving by train. Through reunions and meetings and hope, embraces and disappointment and noteworthy absences. I make it through the reminder of how relaxed attitudes can be surrounding age and art and the edge of propriety and expectation blur into those steamy moonlit exotic nights where possibility blooms into something you can smell right through the screen. It smells like oil and lemons and jasmine and sex and's intoxicating.

I make it to the mystery...and there, I am lost. There is a story...a backstory with a gut wrenching angsty secret...a secret that is tied up with years of effort to hide and protect. A secret each person acknowledges, displays the scars they bear as a result...and nonchalantly continue to keep hidden behind pursed lips, raised eyebrows and shrugs.

I don't know the secret. Still. Its deliciousness keeps me hungry. I envy how it weaves these people who love one another so desperately into a tapestry of the past embracing the present. I bask in their comfort with their choices...and consequences.

I hope to never learn the secret. It's better for me like this. Still mysterious. Untainted. Tendrils of my soul and hope woven into that tapestry with them as long as the secret stays just that. I stay hungry...and my hunger drives me to dream of on the grass on a humid summer night somewhere far from my own secrets...hips swaying, hands stretched toward the sky, head falling back and sure that anything is possible at that point.

The promises all of that.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Selling out, one trail at a time.

I said, I love you...I know your demons and fears, your limitations and choices.

I said, I love you still...because of...despite...with gusto.

I said, don't hide your demons or pretend they are less or gone or shameful.

I said, I can love you knowing your worst. You can trust me to look at you with loving eyes...period. Disclaimer free.

I said, talk to me. Whisper your secrets if they are too terrible. I have to know you, KNOW YOU for this love to be what it can and keeps trying to be.

I said, look into my eyes and tell me the hard secrets then trust me to be able to wrap them up tight and hide them in the recesses of my heart...only bringing them to the light of day when you need them to be so, if ever.

I said, let's break some rules, raise some eyebrows and find our own secret formula.

I said, let's get dirty. Then let's get DIRTIER.

I said, my love comes with no obligation.

You said "okay!"

But what you meant was "no way!"

But you didn't say that, you only showed it out loud in your actions.

And that really pissed me off.

When my pissedoffedness burdened you, you ran and hid.

Now you're back. Offering some lighter version of love.

I've been considering your offer.

I decline.

My love doesn't come in a lighter version...and I have no clue how or why I'd want to spend energy developing such a boring diminished version of what I embrace a such a fundamental part of me and my life and my soul purpose.

So, let's hike. Armed, physically and metaphorically. Safe. Occasional. With conversations that barely come close to feeding our souls but activity that brings us both joy on that physical and spiritual level. Where we connect with nature...but never each other. Let's hike and be superficial for half days, because neither one of us can find anyone else interested in this activity. De facto time together by default.

But eventually that will change. At a place on the far edge of my enthusiasm, where the cancer of cynicism has started to infiltrate, this eroding corner knows this is not what it should be and that these hikes, while full of superficial laughter and memories, will head toward implosion at speeds faster than we could run from...if we were smart enough to try.

But in the meantime, there are trails to dominate if we can compromise our souls enough to get out there on them.