Thursday, June 30, 2011

Difficulties are not obstacles on the spiritual path, they ARE the spiritual path! ~Ezra Bayda

I'm strong. I'm capable. I can roll with the punches. I can hold my own and I am not afraid of necessary confrontation or even conflict. If it's in the name of justice, I can dig my teeth in and surprise even me sometimes.

What I have no defense against is a pitch in the dirt. I don't even know where to start or why to even start. I function on the belief that all anyone has to do is maintain their integrity and in the long run truth always prevails.

In my world the true superheroes are the people who lead by example. Regular, normal, everyday people who maintain who they are despite the actions of others or any environment they find themselves in.

I'm trying...but the plain truth is that in the absence of defense against a pitch in the dirt, the masses will listen to anyone who steps up to the podium.

I think I need to swing...and step up.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Sowing the seeds of love...

It's so quiet in here. This space where I can come and express myself any way that I see fit is so very precious to me and for a couple of weeks now I have sat here with fingers poised above the keys for silent and still moments upon moments before giving up and signing out...silent still.

Tonight I decided to talk about being silent if I couldn't come up with anything else to say. So there goes.

But I do have something to say. Something pretty big. Something radical and brazen.

I like myself. Yeah, I said it. I actually LOVE me.

Part of my silence coincided with one of my lovelies putting in plain terms her concerns about my character. I gave myself permission to sit with her words for some time to turn them over, check them out, try them on and then decide what to do with them. All of that is done and with a sigh, smile and shout from the bottom of my soul, I'd like to say that I LIKE ME!

Oh, I'm so very far from perfect and so very flawed and floundering. I have not figured out all the quirks and twists and turns of this life and how relationships of any/all kinds become successes. I haven't discovered the secret of how to behave with positive intention 100% of the time. I'm lucky if I hit 50% with consistency but on occasion I've hit 75%. I have given myself permission to be mistaken, to be flat out wrong and to fall flat on my face if the lesson at hand calls for it. I have hurt people and I have hurt myself and I surely hurt myself when I hurt other people. I do, however, strive to always do my best.

What I'm not is intentionally careless with other people's hearts. I'm not purposefully reckless and I'm not malicious. I don't hold grudges and I don't treat people how they have earned being treated, I treat people with heartfelt spontaneous love and care. I don't read into other people's behavior looking for ulterior motives or some far off future issue that might arise. I don't assume that behavior that is "outside the box" is wrong...I allow that it might be right for the situation at hand and only the behaviorer knows for sure if they are doing the best they can at the moment.

I smile at people a lot, even when they are displeased with me. I smile because I care. I smile because they care. I smile because even a rough time is time together with opportunity to learn and grow. I smile because even when people change or go away or even stick around but the relationship ends, those moments of connection still existed and I know the level of pure heart love I poured into those moments as often as I possibly could...and I ask no more of myself than that.

I had a birthday during my silence here. It was amazing, full of new friends and old friends, soul friends and family disguised as friends. There was travel and adventure and awakening and accomplishment. There was dungeon sushi and Louisiana style crawfish boil. There were hikes and streetcars and outdoor markets and even a pride festival. There was a sauna with vodka. There was a brewery sampler and a burger that I'm still dreaming about. But each and every one of those things was made enormously more special because of the love that was woven through and around each one.

Love conquers all...even my own self-doubt. That's what I really wanted to say tonight...that I love me and I hope if you're here in my in my life, you've found a way to love me too...imperfections and all. In return for your love, I promise with all of my heart that I will continue to strive to always do my best...for me, for you, by me and by you.

Over & out.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Thirtieth Day of Beauty...

I'm a day late...but things have been busy around these parts!

♥wild turkeys on the side of the a bus stop.

♥a day with my boy...all day and so many smiles.

♥doing only what I wanted for an entire day...not a single "must"
or "need" just all want, want, want!

...and I did it. A full thirty days of beauty...culminating on the day I pass from my 30's into my 40's. The sun set tonight on my first year in my 40's...and there are hints that this is when things get really really interesting!

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Day Twenty Nine of Beauty

♥Two work days rolled into one making the time fly's always lovely when the day ends and the thought is "it's time to go home ALREADY???"

♥Quiet lunch...good simple food and good simple silence.

♥Momma's, presents and PRESENCE!!!

Monday, June 13, 2011

Day Twenty Eight of Beauty

♥A day off with no direction...being present with my Gemini momma and my Gemini babygirl and the day unfolding magnificently!

♥A birthday tree and a new set of pointy sharp watercolor pencils and a climbing vine that will have beauty~full purple flowers...and a surprise finding of some kind of melon vines growing crazy in the compost bin.

♥Tired. Sore muscles. Constant reminders of an amazing weekend full of action and a productive day today...both of which make me smile ear to ear.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Days Twenty Six & Seven of Beauty...and magic!

♥Discovering North Beach...the absolute quaintest little lodging...bare minimum but done so very well...touches of lovely here there and everywhere.

♥A walkable city...Wharf to Union Square with Little Italy and Chinatown on the way.

♥ a confused atmosphere but deliciousness deliciousness and more deliciousness.

♥Birthday item #39...all because my Sunshine made it so!

♥Getting lost looking for Mexican food leading us to a handsome stranger.

♥Golden Gate Park via Haight Ashbury...the sheer expansiveness of all that much left to see and explore and discover!

Friday, June 10, 2011

Day Twenty Five of things said to me

♥hearing it, believing it, living it: "the only person you have to be better than is the you that you are today."

♥practicing it: "don't be harder on yourself than you would be on your loveliest lovely."

♥embracing it: "you're human, oh holy fuck...imperfections and all!"

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Day Twenty Three and Twenty Four of Beauty...

♥chocolate mate tea with chocolate stevia...mmmm...yummy!

♥trips to swimming holes beginning FINALLY!

♥an impromptu picnic lunch with great conversation and strong female energy of support and accountability.

♥my boy...with his profound "what if" questioning and the afterthoughts that persisted for hours.

♥hitting the invisible wall of my limits...knowing how to push past and knowing how to stop short when either or both are necessary.

♥"The only person you have to be better than is the you that you are right now." My wise earthy lovely who is connected and confident and has a heartbeat of compassion and humility while handing out doses of real live love.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Day Twenty Two of Beauty...Living & loving out loud & wide open

♥finalizing travel with this lovely and that lovely, lovely places with a lovely waiting at one of them and back to back lovely much amazing lovely~ness!

♥Egyptian licorice tea, sharing a secret, a sunshiney day, a hotel clerk in Little Italy with an Italian accent and texts that mean nothing and everything all at once between friends and family and framily.

♥hope. here. there. everywhere. Blossoming, blooming hope Hope HOPE!

Monday, June 6, 2011

Day Twenty One of's everywhere, really.

♥red satin ballet flats...there is something so sassy about those shoes...they put a swagger and a sass in my step.

♥looking for escape, having it elude me...facing the fear and finding that it was a silly little thing to be so worked up about after all.

♥a connection to my babygirl that is fun and whimsical and deeply meaningful at the same her style and mine and ties us together at a time when we are entering a brand new stage of our relationship. my wish came true.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Day Twenty of Beauty...lovely Lovely LOVELY!

♥morning with my momma...conversation and coffee, stand up comics and tales of aliens.

♥lazing with my lovely...paralleling and love in abundance.

♥X-men with my goddess...supernatural and supernatural and SUPER.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Days 18 & 19 of Beauty...Eighteen.

♥one sunflower and eighteen yellow roses for my sunshine as she crosses into adulthood.

♥the old crew, reunited for this one night for this one special day for this one special girl...and marriage proposal for me as well.

♥BBQ, backyard games, too tall burgers and too many kids in my house...sigh...just how I like it.

♥loosening up...facing the fear and the frantic parenting instincts and just letting go...and it being quite allright.

♥the sheer number of times I've heard "no way you have an 18 year old!" Is this when I start introducing her as my sister?

♥choosing love. choosing loving. choosing correctly.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Day Seventeen of Beauty...girls, girls, girls!

♥An impromptu shopping trip with babygirl for a graduation dress...finding the perfect one...and me finding four great bras in my new size on clearance...and they are sexxxxxxxy!

♥A text "where are you" by a person who could only be asking because her Washington residing ass was somewhere in the vicinity...WOOT! Dinner and wine type conversation with my lovely and her infamous parents in the even more infamous casa. Good times...spontaneous adventures and great conversation.

♥That small moment when the smallness that lives inside...buried under propriety and maturity is allowed to rear it's ugly small head. I may not be the princess, this might not be a fairy tale, I might not be the one you sweep off her feet and lead her up the stairwell...but isn't that bitch's tiara quite crooked now?!? Shut up, it was beauty~full before I realized how ugly it actually is. Propriety and maturity are back but I will not forget the scandalous spot of "nyeh, nyeh" and how it made me smile wickedly for a brief moment in time.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Day Sixteen of Beauty...Thirty by forty!

♥BIG goal met. Stepped on the scale, moved the weights...tap...tap...wha? Tap some more? TAP SOME MORE! Finally, time and diligence and...oh, yes! That last tap. ~sigh~

♥the side effects of the big landmark...better sleep, less snoring, less back pain, more energy, better mood, improved confidence, the list goes on and on...

♥setting new goals...incorporating time with lovelies and travel and even romance.