Monday, April 11, 2016

Love letter to Ft. Bragg

Hi love. I get to see you today. I've been trying to stay busy, distracted...so that I wouldn't spend all of my time daydreaming about our upcoming time together. The anticipation has been taking me on quite the ride. Today I let the butterflies take flight in my belly and I'm piecing together things to bring with me...it's mostly whimsy. I bet you didn't know that a suitcase full of whimsy practically floats itself to the trunk of the car! On fairy feet. On gossamer wings.

You've been so much to me, evolving over the years from my first teenaged romantic getaway...when I thought gas station roses and dancing to Unchained Melody under your stars was the height of romance. (Wait, that still works for me. Let's have some of that this weekend, please). You were rowdy family reunions and days of watching my babies get to know your tastes and textures, your wildness and insulated safety. You were all magical forest camping and fires oceanside. You were glittering glass beaches full of dazzling wizardry and hikes where the towering ferns themselves made me feel my humanity. You were quenching and nourishing with your forests spilling over cliffs into an oftentimes stormy powerful sea...simultaneously grounding and lofty euphoria without a clear beginning or end. You were my honeymoon, my labor day, my birthday...you were disappointments and redemptions. You presented me with gifts from the depths of the sea, craft beers, whales and caves and even a coffin shaped like a big fish.

You mesmerized me...mesmerize me. You have embraced every love that I've brought with me, quenching and nourishing them just as diligently as you did me...young and old alike. I take you with me everywhere and each time we are together, I leave a piece of me behind.

I'm on my way...and we have magic to make.

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Random Tuesday Thoughts...

I watched a movie last night, a funny movie that took me through joy into disgust and fear, tromping through envy and laughter and not just a little inspired to be more...more...well, more.

The main character was silly and fun but also steady in life. She feared that she was boring. I paused the movie there. I realized that I was holding my breath. On the exhale, I whispered "me too" and I got a little teary.

I'm sort of a homebody. I love this space that I've crafted to be my nest, cocoon, big hug at the end of the day away. I long for more time to cuddle my dogs, do yoga with my cat and domesticate my chicks more so that they might do some amazingly awesome things like my previous chickens did...like pecking on the sliding door to come in and lay their eggs quite noisily in abandoned Easter baskets just inside. I like to clean my house. I like to do my yard work. I like to talk to my trees that are still in their early years and vulnerable yet. My favorite place to read lately is curled up in my hanging basket chairs and I'm constantly on the hunt for a mosquito net to hang over my outdoor clawfoot tub. My bed is like a cloud and I really love cooking lately. I've discovered Salt n Pepa on Pandora and I get my groove on all over this little castle of mine. I've been listening to Jordan Petersen's Maps of Meaning lecture series and re-learning French. I'm fiercely attuned to rhythms these days...of mood, of season, of lunar phase, of thought. I'm deep in studying history as it pertains to my fascinating family tree, reading voraciously and taking classes on skywatching.

I have to laugh.

Boring?

Pfft.

Sunday, January 10, 2016

2016, I own you...

So, I lit my incense, gathered my favorite pen and colored pencils and laid out a fuzzy blanket. Ginger beer in hand, I sat down and spread out my last few year's declarations...with this year's blank worksheet in front of me. Coming out of "inhabit unihibitedly" for 2015, it seemed obvious that this year would be something along the lines of DO, BE, YES!

But...but. It wasn't working. I played with accept and allow and flow and ease. I fel in love with enthusiasm...but it didn't click in my soul. I meditated. I free wrote. I journaled all the prompts AGAIN. I made up words. I had a fire and burned the previous years' declarations, releasing the past so the future had room. I waved a feather through the incense and breathed deeply.

Nothing.

In frustration, I threw my hands up and declared FUCK IT!

...and I knew. In that moment, I knew.

2016 is the year of fuck it.

I feel free.




















(I've had to explain that, in my world, it's a deeply positive declaration that rolls up do, be, accept, allow, flow, ease and all the words that remove all the obstacles. It's a defiant yes when all the odds are stacked to the contrary. It's an embrace and a kiss on the lips when previously there would have been a decorous or polite distance. It's the biggest YES when before there would have been reasons, excuses or noncommittal maybes. It's frosted eye shadow after 40 and white shoes after Labor Day...high hemlines, cowboy boots and whiskey. It's making everything the big deal that it truly is...EVERYTHING! It's not acting one's age but acting one's heart and making memories with those who stick around after the embrace and the kiss on the lips. It's freedom of spirit. Fuck it! Enthusiastically!!) See the Pinterest board here.

As this year is in it's 10th day...I've been opening my heart in the most profoundly "fuck it" manner that feels like I have sprouted wings. So I'm making some. ;) What an adventure. See this developing Pinterest board here.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Inhabit Unihibitedly

This past year was all it was meant to be. It felt earned. The way things flowed from foot stomping grabbing the bull by the horns through all the phases until this past year when I sat still in peace.

2010 was Carpe Diem and Moxie

2011 was Possibility and Brilliance

2012 was Trust

2013 was Imagine and Allow

2014 brought Quiescent and Sanguine, Quiescent and Crepuscular

2014 was the biggest self hug in the history of EVER. It was everything I dreamed it to be. It was a return home. Crossfit changed me one burpee at a time. Running away to remember where home is...an island whose energy heals the spirit, a circle of women who speak love as a language my heart could instantly translate, backroads of rural Montana where I was thrilled to get to know the man my son has become...is becoming, falling into a sibling puzzle like we each were missing a piece until then. Then there was the training...a return to the sensual in a group of fucking badass women who are changing the world, finding my place in a queendom, goddess training with my tribe, journey work with mountain lion...a queen in her own right. The beginning of Life Alchemy. I moved into my own space in so many ways...where I live, this body of mine, my spirit, a business of my own, my tribe. A universe that I will inhabit uninhibitedly.

Monday, November 24, 2014

Wanting...

I want more twirling, glee filled enthusiastic bursts of carefree abandonment and complete presence in the bubbly~ness of the moment.

I want to balance that with an overarching ability to be more grounded and calm, to be more deeply connected to those around me. Roots, intertwined and making us stronger.

I want to make sure I am taking time to be awed and to be magical.

I want a broad shouldered sexy man with a lopsided grin who knows himself backward and forward and is not afraid to give of himself.

I want breath on the back of my neck in the wee hours of the morning that wakes me in a state of honor, bliss and anticipation.

I want my home to be more self sufficient both in care and cost so that I might be freer to roam.

I want to walk...walk...and walk some more...The Camino, Turkey, Scotland...and dancing at every destination my feet carry me to.

I want remembering...the deep kind that channels through me and gives my loves wings upon which to leave me and return at will. The remembering that allows us to be settled and confident in each journey.

I want the abundant self love that allows me to take the time and money to only nourish this body with what it truly needs from the inside out.

I want to respond to my four legged family's hopeful eyes with more leash time that earns me this inspirational love and loyalty they freely give so that I might be more like them.

I want a career detour that includes gathering and teaching and the patience for those details to work themselves out because right at this moment, the only knowing I have is that I have things to share that are worth sharing and a heart that is wide open ready for it.

I want restful nights, journal time, star gazing, giggles and circling with sister souls and joyful moments that stretch into days and months.

I want insular foggy mornings, salt water baths, cucumber mint water in mason jars, puddles and Wellies, rain that washes me clean and steamy mirrors to quench and blur the lines between my body of water and all others.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

For My Dad this Veteran's Day

If I could be with you today, it would be on a bench in a space specifically set aside, tended to and nurtured as a memorial. There would be a flag. There would be enough wind so that as we sat silently, we could hear its fabric song flapping softly.

I would hold your hand in both of mine, cradled in my lap. I would wonder where your thoughts were but wouldn’t burden you with my need to know. I would sit with you silently wondering how difficult your time serving our country was and how you managed to survive. I would be glad to hold you in that moment and be satisfied with the possibility of even a split second of peace in your soul that might come from that connection.

I wouldn’t be sure if my words should be that of thanks or apology so I would sit silently. I would wait for a cue or a sign or a sigh that might tell me which direction to go. I would hope to be a reprieve. To be a safe place. To be a confidante. To be brave enough to hear what you would finally share, knowing that I would gladly assume some of your burden if there was any possible way. I would hope that there was some sense to be made of your sacrifices.

I would send all of that to you through such a simple touch…and in that moment, everything would be okay.

It wouldn’t be a celebration, but it would be a beginning. I most mourn the loss of those beginnings.

Friday, October 24, 2014

Just Breathe...

I occasionally fall into a trap. The comparison trap. I'm on track toward a goal...any goal...and someone I'm connected to is on the same track. Maybe steps beyond me or steps behind. Maybe we vacillate. At times I feel like a coach and other times I feel like a slacker. Ouch. Sometimes I feel like a failure and the self recrimination becomes a demon that haunts my every decision. Comparison is so counterproductive. Even when I'm in the steps beyond camp, I struggle with feelings of superiority...knowing on a gut level that "sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind...the race is long, and in the end it's only with yourself" (Mary Schmich, Chicago Tribune, 1997) and that superiority merely causes breaks in connection which is the exact opposite of how I want to live this life.

So I regroup. Right now, in one goal, I am behind where I wish I was. I am beyond where I thought I would be. In comparison to those on my same journey, I struggle with judging their methods and goals. Judging...along with superiority become comparison's evil henchmen.

Here's where I am today. I woke up and it was foggy. ~sigh~ I love fog. I put on appropriate clothing and walked a couple of miles in the fog. Soaking it in, being fully present and insulated. Being held gently by one of the earth's amazing water tricks. I met my own methods and goals in that naturally meditative space. My goals don't tend to have numbers or letters or any measurable outcome. My goals are 100% totally and completely about feeling.

Succulent, Awed, Magical, Magnetic, Deeply Connected. Every day in every way.

Fitness? Succulent in my clothes, deeply connected to my body...not a body I happen to have but one I inhabit in a deeply connected feeling way. That requires hydration, restful sleep, meditation, pure nourishment and movement...pushing, pulling, lifting, running, dancing, skipping, walking. It requires I push my body in ways that allow me to feel it not only as I'm doing it but days after. I'm not about a number on a scale, a number on a tag or inches on a tape. I'm about being in this body passionately.

My career? Awed by my fellow humans. Magical to those who come to me for perspective and healing. Magnetic to those who crave my natural gifts. Deeply connected to a commitment to my fellow beings in all of their forms.

My world? Awed. Aware of my magical deep connection to all of our planet and mother nature's natural gifts.

My people? All of it. Succulent, I want to nourish them. Awed...I want to be soulfully nourished BY them. Magical...I want to practice being present in ways that transcend the obvious reality. Magnetic...I want to only be in the presence of those with whom the attraction is mutual and learn to let the others find their own other pole. Deeply connected...I want to wind my roots around and share those vital nutrients with others, becoming stronger naturally through this process...no more superficiality or avoidance.

My goals are mine. They are not superior or inferior to any other person's. There is no universal yardstick and I am truly never ahead or behind any other person. The race I am in with myself is not only long, it is infinite. The only possible measurement is how committed I remained on any given day to staying true to those feelings.

Today has infinite possibilities and I am grateful to the fog for the space to remember these things.