Thursday, December 30, 2010

Thursday's Three Beauty~full things...

♥A day of being different...different shoes, different walk, different role and different talk. I like it.

♥Waiting, watching, tracking...then the texts about the screaming...and a smile I couldn't shake and is still on my face.

♥Bargaining. 11 o'clock. 2? ELEVEN. 1? Midnight. 12:30? 12:30 and you come home for a hug first. A hug full of giggles and inside jokes and trust.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010


I woke up almost on time...drove, flew and lightrailed it to the absolute center of Amazing. My lovely was on the ferry while I was on the train...and we met on a corner under towering old buildings topped with lions and arches and gargoyles. It was love at first sight in every direction. We found an Irish pub, Fado, and settled into a corner booth where we promptly lost ourselves in stories and laughter and Bloody Marys and Guinness and $12 shots of Jameson's and more laughter and more lovelies. Five and a half hours later, we left that place...and that place left me bursting with belonging and hope and happiness.

There was so much more after that pub...hiking the streets of Seattle, the market, the restaurant, the drinking. The ferry, the bar at the ferry station, the laughter that seemed to never take a break and didn't need to. The flirting and the silliness, the moments and jokes and absolute togetherness. The cabs and the clubs and the drinking and the dancing. The music and the awe of it all. The cuddling and the whispering, the silliness and the stopping. The pajamas and the slowness, the talking and the seeing. The pasta. The place. The belonging. The hope. The happiness. The unmistakable rightness of it all, even if just for that blink in time...before the reality outside could sneak back in.

Leaving was hard...I took a taxi, a ferry, a train, a plane and a car...all by myself...all filled up for the first time in a long time. Filled up with love and wonder and absolute all encompassing certainty that life is amazing. As each vehicle took me further away, my heart ached first more and more then less and less. The ache was because I was sure I was losing something by leaving...and it ebbed as I realized that I carry that something within me all the time. Leaving wouldn't be any kind of end...this something is everywhere, all the time.

I thought Seattle had been calling me for years to visit because it is fascinating and lovely and wondrous to see. Each year as I moved "visit Seattle" to the next year's to do list, I thought it was because I hadn't tried hard enough or made it a priority enough. What I know now is that Seattle wasn't the was just an amazing beautiful place for me to find amazing beauty in a blink of time that only existed right then, right there with the lovelies who created magic together. We created magic...and just because it's over doesn't mean it doesn't continue to leave it's mark. I'm marked for life, thank god.

Thank you, Seattle. Thank you Kathy. Thank you Lukas and Rachel and Tony. Thank you Zach.

I'm still in awe...


Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Three beauty~full things about brains, belly and buttocks.

♥Knowing. Just knowing. No doubt, no second guessing. No need to reason it out or understand it or justify or make it more than it is...just knowing and the smirk that comes along with absolute certainty.

♥Brushing up against beauty then getting drawn into it's belly where everything makes sense.

♥Hurting because it's worth hurting over. Hell, yes.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

What longitude was that anyway?

We set out...12 hours and two plane changes...
to get to Miami...
a two am arrival at the world's scariest hotel after a two hour wait for their shuttle, we got on our big ole boat a proceeded to do a LOT of this...
Then there was and liquor and pouring rain followed by sunshine and rainbows...pole dancing and forgetting keys, new friends and old stories...
the nights were peaceful...
except for the funky monkey love goin on...
Then there was Grand Cayman ~sigh~ Turquoise seas and white sand, sun and fish, snorkeling and wave runners...half price bus rides in VW vans on the wrong side of the road...
interestingly shaped coral...
and PIRATES!!!
and the sky sun sea was AMAZING when we left Grand Cayman...
Last stop...Jamaica, mon...where e'ryting is arie! Waterfalls and donkeys, razor wire and storms out at sea...hangovers and all the rum punch/jerk chicken you could eat...
Thanksgiving with a touch of a sunburn...Caribbean style...
and time to head home...

Overall an amazing trip...


Thursday, November 18, 2010

filling, filled, FULL.

♥filling a suitcase, care~full~y, choice~full~y, hope~full~y.

♥a filled ipod, filled with fun, joy, peace and movement inducing beats.

♥a full heart...a floating island, a trio of non~floating islands surrounded by crystal clear Caribbean waters and a week surrounded by love and light and laughter and drinks with umbrellas...just in case it rains.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Why I should have never started watching TV series...

Tonight I cried at the season finale of TWO shows.


Years and years went by where I hardly even turned on the I'm a TV crier.

First it was Weeds. Seriously, Nancy Botwin! Whose "plan c" ever involves a baby strapped to their chest, a Mexican kingpin husband who is going to kill them standing to the side with his evil henchman, with the other two sons and soul mate on board a plane to Copenhagen? What now? You're lives are running out, cat lady! I cried for her boys who are screwed with her and screwed without her. And the baby just kept joyfully kicking his feet in the snugli completely unaware...lucky baby...that rocked me. I cried just a little for this one.

It was Adam, Cathy Jamison's son from The Big C that totalled me. He's been a bit of an ass. Pretty much the poster child for this entitled, detached, spoiled, self-centered generation we are raising in this instant feedback, continual easy gratification, technologically over-communicated era of expectation and demand. Is it him or is it just how things are now? Then while his mom is in the hospital getting treatment that is probably as bad as death, he swipes her last $20 from her unattended purse in the kitchen and opens an envelope marked "don't open until I'm gone." He opens it, takes the key and heads to the mini-storage where he finds a birthday present for every year of his life. I fell apart. Seriously...AND IT'S A TV SHOW FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! But I somehow knew what he was feeling...all these THINGS representing all the years he would be without his mother. He cried and I cried and I so want her to not die. Why do I watch this stuff when I live it in my profession??? He finally felt and it renewed a small bit of hope in this generation that I'm so frustrated with lately.

Before all the crying, today had it's beauty~full moments...

♥Working with an intern, spending an exhausting morning doing orientation...all the explaining every nuance of how we do what and why with the intention of what end...realizing I know a whole lot of stuff about a lot of stuff...and even some stuff that really really matters!

♥New things...packages in the mail, contacts that make my eyes look freaking awesome, a petsitter who ROCKS, lip gloss, car battery, online bill pay, a pair of books, an enormous refrigerator and a big ole back door on order.

♥Crushed that stuff.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

This weekend's beauty~full~ness

♥ Global warming. Oops, that's SO politically UNCORRECT to be naming as a beauty~full thing...but I defend my stance that flip-flops, spaghetti straps and the top down on the convertible mid-November is odd...and beauty~full. :) Silver lining, baby!

♥ Painting things white. All sorts of things...walls, furniture, odds n' pure and blank and clean looking.

♥ A weiner in a squash...or a dachshund in a pumpkin-shaped dog house...depending on your perspective.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Cleaning House...

Lately I've been de-cluttering, donating, downsizing. Deliberately and with a completely non-Gemini-like precision.

The area I hit today was my box of school papers...from day one of Junior College through my Master's Program. I had a nice fire in the fire pit tonight. :) All that information, the copies and handouts, chapters copied out of books I refused to purchase, notes and resources, stories and vignettes...all things that contributed to my learning but don't have to be cluttering up that corner of my office any more. The things I turned into toe-warming tonight were all the things that now clutter up a corner of my mind.

Save one. This one made it be commemorated, reflected on and shared.

I don't recall what class it came from or why it was even taught to us...but the lesson it taught me tonight is that some seeds they planted were very very powerful.

10 Characteristics of Physio-psychological Health:

~Positive self-esteem
~Internal locus of control
~Aggressive pursuit of mental health
~Believe in own usefulness
~Development and maintenance of strong emotional support system
~Viewing problems as challenges with potential for positive outcome
~Investigation and pursuit of alternative approaches to challenges
~Able to discuss problems with openness and lack of ego
~Feeling of purpose and meaning to life
~Proactive participation in all aspects of life and self development

I like this list. I like it very much. It's not a "to-do" list where you can check things off as if they are done. It's a "strive for" list that encourages constant forward movement in life...constant change and evolution with hope and promise as the fuel.

I like it so So SO much. You can be anywhere on any given I was about 90% of those things. Yesterday probably about 60% and maybe tomorrow I'll be somewhere in the middle of those two...some days I'm at about 20% and even that is okay. It's all subjective and dependent on circumstance...mostly. The list is the skeleton that never goes away but experience and circumstance flesh out.

The lovely part is that somewhere in some classroom during a class I can't even recall, some teacher had me write it down and in that writing it became my emotional skeleton...what I believe to strive for. It held me responsible for my experiences in this life. It planted a seed that grew into unflagging optimism that life can be an amazing, safe place full of responsible learning, growing and loving.

I'm heading out to toss that paper in the fire pit too...the skeleton is part of me and the information, the seed and the endless possibility are right here, right now for YOU.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

100th post...100 things!

In honor of my 100th blog post, my list of 100 interesting things about me:

♥ My childhood favorite books were Charlotte’s Web, Horton Hears a Who and Robin Hood…is it any surprise I turned out to be a social worker???

♥ I will watch every Robin Hood movie or TV show. Same for the Three Musketeers. I don’t care how corny it might be, I will love it.

♥ The coolest places I’ve lived have been in apartments above a stationery store and behind an auto tune-up shop.

♥ I attended three grade schools, two middle schools, one high school, two junior colleges and two Universities. Six states and 10 cities. I liked all of the changing and newness…in fact, I miss it. I might be part gypsy. I could move constantly and be content.

♥ My third grade teacher recognized that I had dyslexia and used the informal teaching method her mother used to teach her when she was my age. To this day I still see yellow and a lion walking forward when I see, hear or imagine the letter L…as a matter of fact, all letters have colors to me from this…meaning I was cured of dyslexia but given synesthesia. Fair trade, I say!

♥ I am a voracious reader, thank you third grade teacher.

♥ I have a Masters Degree, thank you third grade teacher.

♥ I prefer sunrises to sunsets…takeoffs to landings…beginnings to endings.

♥ I’m of Sicilian descent and am fiercely allergic to mussels…does NOT fit.

♥ I’m also Irish, Polish and Russian. I am not a mean, stupid drunk who thinks her way is the only way. I rarely get drunk.

♥ When I decide to try a new recipe, in invariably turns out fabulous.

♥ I once pulled off three simultaneous 5 course authentic French meals, started cooking at 2:30 and served at 7…for my friends and family to celebrate Beaujolais. Beaujolais wine is terrible…but the story of it is awesome.

♥ The only time I ever sang karaoke was in a hotel bar far from home, it was Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive”.

♥ The song “Come On Eileen” by Dexie’s Midnight Runners makes me smile without fail, every time I hear it. There should be more songs with fiddles in them. Yes, I know it’s about hallucinogenic drugs and sex. It’s also sort of rock and roll. The holy trinity. Even though it’s crap.

♥ The song “Yeah” by Usher makes me dance no matter where I am. Luckily they don’t play it much anymore. Again, kinda crap.

♥ A good piano riff can bring me to tears…and they use them way too much in commercials.

♥ I tend to cry inexplicably at commercials, unless you know me and know the above fact, then it makes sense.

♥ I’ve learned more history from fiction than from school…authors usually toss in some facts that intrigue me and have me searching for more info wherever I can find it. However, I know literally NOTHING about any of the wars. NOTHING.

♥ I have a strange little round flesh colored raised area on my nose…turns out it’s a wart…which may or may not mean I’m a witch. I do float.

♥ I love Monty Python and the Holy Grail, if you couldn’t guess.

♥ I believe in “sleep on it” because often the answers are really there when I wake up or things are clearer and make more sense. Sometimes things that seemed so very important don’t even matter anymore after a night of sleep.

♥ A misplaced apostrophe will make me cringe. If you are someone who has hurt me and you misplace an apostrophe, I will likely allow myself to feel superior for a split second.

♥ I totally believe there is other intelligent life in the Universe, lots and lots of all different types, but most science fiction bores me to death.

♥ I was frisked by real police at the Mustang Ranch.

♥ My name is not Tar-uh. It’s Terra, like the earth. If you get it wrong, I might ignore you, correct you, sigh deeply and do one of the above or sometimes smile and let it go…but seriously I hate being called Tar-uh.

♥ I rarely wear necklaces…and when I do they are long. I think this is because I was strangled in a previous life.

♥ I believe in reincarnation and collective consciousness. I believe we are all divine, born from a collective divine energy and we return there to be reborn again and again for eternity. I believe this energy is everywhere all the time.

♥ I was raised Catholic. I am not now. I’m not anything in particular other than connected to you with an obligation to do good and be kind.

♥ Reality TV bores me as much as science fiction does.

♥ I love roller coasters.

♥ I will forgive anything, even a lie. But there is a subjective limit to the number of lies I will forgive. I can handle your truth. I can’t handle that you don’t feel you can trust me with it. I’d rather you invoke your right to privacy, that I will respect wholeheartedly.

♥ People hurt each other, it’s just the way it is. If you hurt me and can own your part, we’ll be just fine. Forever. I vow to do the same.

♥ In 5th grade when the teacher was asking what we wanted to be when we grew up I answered with “a prostitute.” I still think that courtesans in the 1500s had it made.

♥ I fall in love many times a day. Sometimes with myself but more often with other people and mostly with men. If you’re reading this, I’ve probably fallen in love with you more times than you know.

♥ I think the mind can cure the body.

♥ I recycle, reuse, never buy paper products except toilet paper, compost, garden, use my greywater and mostly eat only plant based foods.

♥ I don’t think my lifestyle makes me superior or inferior and I don’t care if you eat newborn baby seal meat…I probably won’t cook it for you though.

♥ I drive an SUV. I know that’s a contradiction but there are far too many people, kids and animals in my life for me to drive something smaller.

♥ I recently owned a 26 foot sailboat. I could sail it alone. I sold my sailboat while making this list to a professional freestyle snow skier who invited me to crew his larger sailboat from San Francisco to New Zealand in the next year or two. I just might.

♥ I also drive a convertible muscle car. Rawr.

♥ My mother, my daughter and I make up three generations of Geminiis. Believe me, it matters.

♥ Erica Kane was my hero even though I hate soap operas and drama queens…that was one woman who knew her mischief! I used to tape her shows on VHS and fast forward to her parts. Drama porn.

♥ If I watch a band perform live, I will leave with a crush on one of its members. Usually the bass player. Especially upright.

♥ I have freckles and I adore them. There are even freckles on my irises.

♥ I broke a bottle over a man’s head once. He left his wife for me. Twice.

♥ I saw all three Pirates of the Caribbean movies in full pirate garb. Authentic, period appropriate garb that my Captain would have been proud of.

♥ I was a pirate in the SCA and loved each and every minute of it. Our ship was called the KMA Defyant, KMA standing for Kiss My Ass. We rocked piracy before Johnny did.

♥ Movies that make me cry are the ones where people make decisions or do things that are right despite how hard they are to make or carry out.

♥ My favorite adjective is “bizarre”.

♥ My favorite moments are the surreal ones.

♥ I think being kind is better than being anything else.

♥ A smile from the soul will steal my heart.

♥ Halloween is my favorite holiday. October is my favorite month and Fall is my favorite season.

♥ I believe that not being political is a political stance.

♥ Of the many many forms of intelligent life I believe exist in the universe, I think some of them are here. The octopus, for instance. Dolphins. Savants. Bill Gates. Marie Curie. This list goes on and on…

♥ I have a cousin who is a princess. She’s not really my cousin and not really a princess, but that’s beside the point. She IS a real person, that’s what counts.

♥ Patchouli is my favorite scent. It’s Dad and Fall and Halloween all at once.

♥ I have one HUGE pet peeve, it’s when people say “I’m sorry” and follow it with “but…” and an excuse, explanation, or accusation. The accusation part really gets me.

♥ The only grudge I am capable of holding is against someone who does the above.

♥ I think the two most ridiculous things in the world are pest control companies and mini-storage facilities. Why not attract predators and downsize instead?

♥ I have a HUGE vocabulary, meaning that I know the MEANING of many words…I don’t, however, know how to pronounce many of them.

♥ Tinkerbell is my muse. Rivaled only by Lucille Ball.

♥ I snore. This embarrasses me.

♥ My first crush ever was on Schroeder from Peanuts when I was a little girl. Next was Elton John when I was 12. Knowing this about me should make total sense of my love life…it started with an imaginary character and proceeded to a flamboyant gay man. When my mother broke this news to me, my response after a deep breath was “I can change him!”

♥ I have great memories of high school.

♥ I love accents. Even pretend ones.

♥ I threw a baseball through OJ Simpson’s window when I was nine. He yelled at me. I yelled back. I figure I’m lucky to be alive.

♥ I only got one spanking in my life. I was nine. My step-monster insisted and my mother cried the entire time. OJ would have done worse.

♥ You can tell how tipsy I am by which accent I regress to…first Texas then Jersey.

♥ My name is Tara, my firstborn is Ashleigh, and I wanted to name my son Rhett but was forbidden. I think Daddy was afraid I’d then want a Scarlett. I probably would have. My son is glad to not be named Rhett.

♥ I love to wear flowers in my hair and do it as often as possible.

♥ I think that the phrase “if only” should be followed by action. Anything is possible. Everything is possible.

♥ I despise the word “disappointment.” As a matter of fact, I despise the concept. The state of “being disappointed” is a personal, internal issue.

♥ I think Christmas is a state of mind that should be practiced year round.

♥ I don’t think consumerism and holidays should be paired.

♥ I ask for what I need. It was a hard thing to learn how to do. It’s okay if I don’t get what I ask for…that was even harder to learn.

♥ Rejection and abandonment used to be as scary as bridges and spiders to me…not anymore. The only thing that scares me now is someone stepping out in front of my car and not being able to stop in time. I’m very aware of pedestrians because of this. Pedestrians seem to appreciate it.

♥ San Francisco never ceases to amaze me in lovely ways. There is magic there.

♥ I start my new year on my birthday and each month on the 16th.

♥ Every year on my birthday I write a list of things I want to do/see/become/learn/obtain before the next one, the number of things on the list is the age I will turn at the end of that year. This year is 39 by 40.

♥ I was born on the East Coast but now live on the West Coast. I’ve been here many years and it still mixes me up a bit when I try to figure out which way is north and south. I swear it’s because the ocean is on the wrong side of me.

♥ I don’t say things I don’t mean. Ever. No matter what.

♥ I cry when people do nice things…even if it’s for someone else and I just happen to observe it. I also cry when people I think are apathetic show their humanity.

♥ When a sweet love song comes on the radio, I imagine it as my wedding song for the first dance as man and wife. The “man” part of that always has his back to me…I don’t know him yet.

♥ What I want in a marriage probably doesn’t exist, so I don’t see that dance ever happening.

♥ I think a warm horse on a sunny day is a great smell.

♥ I will scrimp and be thrifty in many areas but not when it comes to my bed. My bed has to be a fluffy high thread count cloud of padding, down and scented softness.

♥ I think “having your shit together” doesn’t mean how many square feet your house is, how successful you are in your career, what your credit score is or what your stock portfolio says about you. I think it means liking yourself, being committed to living your life fully and being intimately acquainted with your integrity.

♥ I think that being given room to make mistakes is the only way to truly develop and define your personal boundaries and integrity. Every mistake I have ever made has been beauty-full and wonder-full in the end because of this belief.

♥ I don’t think cell phones have a place at a table or any time you might have to interact with another person like a drive thru or a checkout stand. I think it is insulting to the person and robs the cell phone user of a valuable moment of connection to a person standing before them.

♥ I will not sing in a group. Caroling and choirs make me run away. I sing in my car and in my shower, period. If you happen to be in either place with me, cover your ears. It is not pretty.

♥ I was raised an only child. My father had another daughter when I was 5 years old. He wanted to name her Tara. Thankfully, someone talked him out of it. Her name is Shaleen and she is beauty~full and amazing and wonder~full…and wants nothing to do with me.

♥ I love black licorice.

♥ Big dogs are my thing, there is usually at least one Great Dane in my life. Little dogs do nothing for me, little dogs in clothes confuse and trouble me.

♥ I will pick simple over fussy almost every time. Cotton over satin, 60 second dry polish over fake nails, flip flops over high heels, silver over gold, generic over name brand…okay maybe high heels when the outfit or occasion calls for it….I did say almost.

♥ I went all the way to pre-calculus in high school but seriously, I have no clue how…I faked my way all the way through and can NOT do any kind of math…and when it comes to doing math in my head, no way.

♥ At a time when my self-confidence hit rock bottom, a man I have never met who lives in a city that I have never visited helped me fall back in love with myself by letting me see myself through his eyes. This man will forever be my hero.

♥ An elf proved to me that I'm not of the lesbian inclination.

♥ I think red roses should only be given once…long-stemmed and in a long white box tied with a ribbon…because she said yes.

♥ I was allergic to watermelon for almost 16 years. Anaphylactically allergic. Carry an Epi-pen allergic. Impending death allergic. I used to buy anything that would make me smell like a watermelon. The allergy finally mysteriously went away. I have been eating watermelon pretty much nonstop since then. I love watermelon.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Hump day beauty

♥ Learning that sometimes it's better to just not take some things personally...and smile. Some comebacks need no words. :)

♥ A clean house, a back room full of laughing teenagers, holiday-scented candles, comfort food, momma and TV series catch-up night.

♥ A big ole greying great dane curled up on my lap like she's a teeny little thing...and the great big snores that don't let her get away with the pretense of teeny-ness.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Tuesday's Three Beauty~full things

♥Warm, crusty french bread.

♥Red wine in festive holiday eggware.

♥Fellini...nothing beats Sylvia in a fountain.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

If life had a reset button

For what it’s worth, it’s never too late, or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit... start whenever you want... you can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that stop you. I hope you feel things that you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life that you’re proud of and if you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again. -Benjamin Button

I had a headache, repaired a storm damaged fallen fence, broke the garage door, have a phone that won't let me communicate, shopped at a mall, caught a loose canine who splattered me with mud, took down my favorite Halloween decoration that the rain has now ruined, took my baby for cardiac testing after a fainting spell and was diagnosed myself with a tortuous case of tendonitis that makes EVERYTHING painful to do...including ALL OF THE ABOVE LISTED THINGS.

Then I came home and watched The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. It should really be called How to Put Your Shit in Perspective.

There is still beauty:

♥This week started my new job description, new shifts and new hours: Social Work Monday to Friday 6:45am to 3:15pm. It's lovely. The work is soul~feeding and the work day is done before I'm all used up.

♥I learned to love and honor say NO when I want to say YES because I love me too much to settle for less than I deserve. Self~love is warm and snuggly.

♥I have love, time, money and energy to put into all the things listed above...and know when which one calls for which thing to throw at it. Love all around. Money sparingly and energy only where it will serve the purpose well. Time saved by tossing some of that green stuff at professionals. Then more love.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Projecting beauty

♥I just bought this dress (on clearance even!)

♥to wear when this beast

♥takes us to this place

~sigh~ less than one month...

Thursday, October 21, 2010

To Do:

I've been writing lists
Keeping track
but never keeping score
of anything for anyone
at least not that I'll admit...
lists that limit and lists that organize
musts and hopes and needs and more.

I've got
Lists that remind
lists that tell stories
and lists that tell lies
about a life
with no distinguishable reason or rhyme.

I'm so tired of these lists.
Tired of maintaining
a farce of pretense, subterfuge and resiliency
all part of being this grown-up
who has got all the answers like
bright colored balloons
tied up in a ribbons of capability.

I wanna let go
and let the answers fly free
far away and not worry
about how those bits of
latex, truth and lies
affect the balance of nature
the endangered birds or the killer bees.

They affect MY balance
and sometimes
it has to be about
an individual
this individual, alone
and a screw-up for nature
can be a right-on for nurturing
a single soul.

~Tara Jane Watkins, flu induced poetry 10/21/10

Monday, October 18, 2010

I really didn't have a clear idea of what a control freak I can be until I've had to channel massive amounts of energy into simply be-ing and trusting and allowing things to unfold as they are meant to.







...which should be kind of like sitting in neutral with your foot off the clutch. Not in this girl's world. It's more like trying to hold a pitbull on a meth/steroid cocktail on a leash with a bloody brisket just out of reach. Shall I go on?

Growth is painful and the more valuable the lesson, the harder it is to breathe through the growing pains. I'm breathing...and appreciating. Allowing. Accepting.

And still not able to let go of the hoping.

Ok, and visualizing...but that's okay, RIGHT!!!???!!!

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Freddy, move over...

As long as I can remember, I've had the same nightmare. It's simple and not really that scary...and as I've gotten older, it's seemed more silly than anything else.

I'm perpetually 4 years old in this nightmare. I'm sitting alone in a solitary chair pulled up to a small child-sized table that actually existed when I was 4. It was blue and black on top with shiny silver legs that folded so that it could be stored under momma's bed. Those folding legs were always waiting to pinch my little bitty fingers...and sometimes would get them, leaving blood blisters that healed just in time for the next pinch. I didn't care...I loved that table. It was my vehicle to imagination land. A sheet over it and one of mom's knee-high stockings tied around my head and I could be anyone, Indian in a teepee or a genie in the desert or sometimes even a princess in a castle. I would make clay sculptures on it or turn it on its side to block me from the enemy's sight.

In my nightmare, there is a single daisy in a vase on the tabletop and I'm sitting very properly with my hands folded. Then there is a noise...a humming kind of like a vacuum cleaner. The humming gets louder and the flower petals begin to shake. Then the flower flies out of its vase and I watch it get sucked into what I've always thought of as "the carpet machine" and I'm not sure there even such a thing as a carpet machine? If there is, I'm sure I've never really seen one. Next in the dream, my chair begins to shake just like the petals on the daisy and I know that I'm going to be sucked into the carpet machine just like the daisy was. I know that when I do, it will be the end of me. Little 4 year old me grabs the table to hold on and the legs collapse, pinching my fingers and in reflex I let go. Then I'm floating and it's a really amazing feeling until I realize what is happening and what is going to happen to me. The dream ends with that mixture of butterflies in my belly from floating and dread mixed with fear creeping in. I wake up frozen, half smiling with tears slipping from underneath tightly closed eyelids. The feelings wane and I fall back to sleep...usually not remembering that I had the nightmare until later the next day.

The nightmare used to come with terrible regularity but as I've gotten older, it makes rare appearances that I'm aware of. I haven't had the nightmare in a good year.

Then the carpet machine snuck into reality...sort of. Today I was reading a friend's blog and there was a short animated video about a bunch of birds on telephone wires. I watched the video and smack dab in the middle was firmly clutched by fear. The creator, Eran Hilleli, took the carpet machine straight out of my nightmare detail for detail and placed it in his animation...and 26 second into it, the poor bird is sucked into the carpet machine to an untimely end.

I'm a little sick to my stomach now. It's that same mixture of dread and fear in the pit of my belly...and I'm not sure if I love Eran for being the only other person I know with a carpet machine in his head or hating him for bringing it out in the open.

I'm filing this one under "weird" and at this point, I'm not just a little afraid to go to sleep tonight. I'm a lot afraid. All of the sudden it's not a silly dream, it's scary again.


Thursday, September 16, 2010

Tempestuous in there somewhere...

♥despite fear of the unknown and worry that things might be worse than I imagined, the silver lining at the time was that I got to be a momma...a momma with hugs and cuddles and hand holding and all that jazz that is so rare lately.

♥fear and worry fading and Marley lyrics as the soundtrack as the day drew to a close "everything gonna be allright."

♥sitting here, grateful...for health and harmony and for Marley lyrics.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Wednesday's beauty~full things

♥A call and a cry that I was able to fix with a talk, a soda and an appearance...and how it fixed me that I was needed.

♥The last "Back to School Night" ever with my babygirl...this year is going to be full of last firsts and lasts and bittersweet memories...FULL I SAY!!!

♥Looking at cruise pictures and getting jazzed about the one that embarks less than 80 days from now, mon.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Tuesday's Three Beauty~full things

♥waking, slowly. naturally. no alarm clock. a whole day ahead of doing whatever comes to pass.

♥a tree, a text, a nap, a million errands, lunch AND dinner dates.

♥pjs, vampire porn on HBO and spicy popcorn.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Draft saved 9/27/

*I was clearing up loose ends and ran across this entry saved as a draft. I remember writing this, close on the heels of a trip to Reno that blew many of my perceptions out of the water. I'd love to write that this day was the beginning of a lovely period of my life but instead it's a reminder to not live life as a "draft" tucking the thoughts and goals into a folder to stumble across later. I'm actually at the same exact place today...and I wonder if it's not a place that comes and goes as changes occur and cycles in life change. In the almost year's time, my babyboy has gotten his permit to drive, has started Sophomore year and my babygirl is a Senior...and has grown past the lying about her lifestyle to admitting to the same things I did when I was her age...and we've had to find a level of honesty that both of us can respect each other for. There has certainly been growth. There have been times of letting go and times of fighting each and every change. There has been resentment and bitterness, tears and hurt feelings. But there has been more joy and laughter than ever before and there has been an authenticity to life that is breathtaking. It's been a year since the post below and in some ways I'm right there in the same head space...but even with that said, it's a different person standing in those shoes...a little more scarred and a little less scared...and smiling ear to ear about every step of the adventure.

This is the post from 9/27/09:

In just a few short months' time, there has been a LOT of change in my life. A love left. My baby girl went through two female rights of passage...THEN she got her driver's license. An old friend came in on a wave of promise and then left again, taking our dreams with him. My son started high school. My job morphed into something new and challenging. My ex and I began modifying mostly everything there is to possibly modify. The house was refinanced and is under remodel. We bought the convertible.

It's been difficult remember what needs attention, what demands it, what is better off without it and what simply requires patience.

There have been some days where I wonder whose life this is and even who on earth I am.

Those days have increased to where they are the norm rather than the exception.

Today it really struck me that all this change is amazing. I had been so busy trying to make sure all the changes were okay that I forgot that I'm not in control of a single solitary thing. Every one of the things I listed is a positive and lovely thing that adds to the spectacular adventure that is life. Each one is happening or has happened because it was simply time.

It was time for change. For lovely change. None of this has to be difficult or a struggle or require attention...perhaps some influence occasionally if need be, but I get to choose even that.

One of the scariest parts of this has been the new freedom. All of the sudden, as I know is common at this stage of the game, I barely see my babies. I went from being the sports chauffeur to being near obsolete overnight. The high school buses the kids to sporting events. My babygirl drives when they don't. Those weekends that before I spent with my love away from home when the kids were with their dad, I now have free. My job is four ten hour days which leaves random weekdays free and three weekends a month. That is a LOT of freedom. I've been balking. I've been fighting it. I've gone kicking and screaming or spending days in bed in protest. I'm done with that now.

Today the curtain lifted and I literally gasped when I realized what wonder-full potential lay directly in my path. This phase of my life is full of possibility. I have time, energy, space and love that I can pour into...well, into ANYTHING I choose! It's time to take a good hard look at this life. At who I am, where I am, who and where I want to be and to take steps in the direction I choose. It's time for definition and direction or purpose-full lack thereof. It's time to dust off those goals and dreams and spend time visualizing what they would really look like in real life. It's time...for time. And this is going to be amazing.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

All the beauty a day off can hold...

♥Swedish middle school vampire angst with a witch by my side.

♥Sex in the City Season 3 from beginning to end, wintertini in hand.

♥going to bed in the same jammies I woke up in...yessssss!

Monday, August 30, 2010

Monday in all it's beauty...

♥morning ritual has taken on new sweetness...senior year for my many more mornings sharing eyeshadow will there actually be?

♥working with a new kindred spirit who is sassy and smart and silly too...good times.

♥coming home, still a touch of autumn in the air that screams out "football season!" which to me means high school football games wrapped in fuzzy blankets yelling and screaming my voice away every Fri night.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Heart burstingly beauty~full

♥DMB last night with my best buddy...getting lost, getting jagered, pretend bjs and no strangers...dancing and cuddling and reenacting WhiteSnake videos. Leaving early and singing 80s songs at the top of our lungs with the top down on the Mustang...road construction in every direction and coming home with a full heart.


♥11 teenagers, 8 overnight...a full house, a full heart...falling in love with life all over and over again.


♥A surprise gift of Autumn in the air breeze cuddle weather right after a stretch of 106 degree days. Lovely. After a surprise gift in the mail from my Special K. Lovelier.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

beauty in the work place

♥Two level advance. Raise. Time off in Nov for the Jamaica cruise. Yesssss.

♥My work wife...who isn't only a great listener but also brings me Soy Chai Tea.

♥My work family...who I can be me with in between being who my name badge says.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Today, I...

♥ decided to be snarky and say I was being snarky and just go with it. Embraced the snarky.

♥ succeeded where I needed to and failed where I wanted to...and I'm good with it!

♥ got kissed...oh so sweetly.


Thursday, August 5, 2010

Thursday's Three...

♥Sunrise. Purple. Pink. Orange. Yellow. This day starting with streaks and swirls of the Sun waking up...and me watching it happen.

♥Time alone in turn with both of my kids, unplanned spontaneous lovely time to visit laugh love and love some more.

♥Being real and being real~ly understood...possibilities opening up and potential unleashed.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Just a peek...

at the crazy here...

Hummingbirds can flap their wings 80-200 times PER SECOND and can go 60 mph. My chickens only flap when they want attention and only went 60 mph when they were in the carrier in the car. Someone needs to tell them they aren't hummingbirds... but I'm not gonna do it.


Remember Sesame Street ♪ ♫ Three of these things belong together, one of these things do not ♫ ♪


Then we have evil cat watching the whole identity crisis going on outside and thinking "I shall rend your wings from your body, devour your heart and eyes and sleep well having rid the world of such vile creatures."

Really, I know this to be true. She's SO predictable. Sigh.


3 Beauty~full things about today...

♥being followed by chickens while I do my morning outside work.

♥coffee, quiet and a day off stretched ahead.

♥live streaming Netflix, Comcast OnDemand and stand up comedians combined with my comfy's cure for that slippery little sad feeling that sneaks up when I'm sleep deprived.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

All about the outdoors

Where I've been...


What I've been doing...


Who I've been doing it with...


...and if pictures say a thousand words, my work here is done.