Saturday, March 8, 2014

Selling out, one trail at a time.

I said, I love you...I know your demons and fears, your limitations and choices.

I said, I love you still...because of...despite...with gusto.

I said, don't hide your demons or pretend they are less or gone or shameful.

I said, I can love you knowing your worst. You can trust me to look at you with loving eyes...period. Disclaimer free.

I said, talk to me. Whisper your secrets if they are too terrible. I have to know you, KNOW YOU for this love to be what it can and keeps trying to be.

I said, look into my eyes and tell me the hard secrets then trust me to be able to wrap them up tight and hide them in the recesses of my heart...only bringing them to the light of day when you need them to be so, if ever.

I said, let's break some rules, raise some eyebrows and find our own secret formula.

I said, let's get dirty. Then let's get DIRTIER.

I said, my love comes with no obligation.

You said "okay!"

But what you meant was "no way!"

But you didn't say that, you only showed it out loud in your actions.

And that really pissed me off.

When my pissedoffedness burdened you, you ran and hid.

Now you're back. Offering some lighter version of love.

I've been considering your offer.

I decline.

My love doesn't come in a lighter version...and I have no clue how or why I'd want to spend energy developing such a boring diminished version of what I embrace a such a fundamental part of me and my life and my soul purpose.

So, let's hike. Armed, physically and metaphorically. Safe. Occasional. With conversations that barely come close to feeding our souls but activity that brings us both joy on that physical and spiritual level. Where we connect with nature...but never each other. Let's hike and be superficial for half days, because neither one of us can find anyone else interested in this activity. De facto time together by default.

But eventually that will change. At a place on the far edge of my enthusiasm, where the cancer of cynicism has started to infiltrate, this eroding corner knows this is not what it should be and that these hikes, while full of superficial laughter and memories, will head toward implosion at speeds faster than we could run from...if we were smart enough to try.

But in the meantime, there are trails to dominate if we can compromise our souls enough to get out there on them.

1 comment:

  1. i love your precious heart. i love your commitment to knowing what is and isnt okay for your life and soul's purpose. i love that if you honor yourself to change your mind or stick to your guns. your words calibrate and undjulate me. lets go for a bike ride