It's Mother's Day. I feel vaguely ambivalent...and it is devastating me. I know at some point, I will see my babies and we will spend 5 minutes or 5 hours together and it will be all that I could wish for. That part of Mother's Day is easy.
It's the having a mother part that is hard for me. My whole life, it's been a holiday whose approach I dread. The cards? They are all about "always there for me" and "helped me be the strong woman I am" etc, etc, etc. It's not that I disagree with any of those sentiments, per se. My mother was always there for me. She did help me become the strong woman I am. I do love her immensely. But there is still a bitter sting attached to the hows. There is a shit ton of garbage from the past that isn't decomposing on it's own. And it should have by now, if it was going to..with all of the time and pretending it doesn't exist that we have perfected into an art.
I'm 42. I'm lucky to have a mother. She's been through some health crises that scared us both and I can't even begin to imagine a world without her. I absolutely love her. I would do anything for her. I also know that there isn't a single thing she can do about the past...and she couldn't apologize in a way that would be more meaningful, heartfelt and genuine than the thousands of times she has before.
It confuses me so grieviously that I can be grateful and loving toward her and still hurt so tremendously over the past. It's affecting our relationship...and there is sadly not a damn thing she can do about it. The burden is on me. I'm the one who has to do something. I'm the one who has to do the deep soul work to release this shit. It's just so scary...so necessary, so beyond its time and did I mention so fucking scary? It's almost as if still being resentful keeps her in line...keeps her from becoming complacent and possibly repeating the past because she got off easy. Easy. Ha. It can't be easy by any stretch of the imagination to be on the other side of this relationship.
Today, my momma is loving and patient. She's funny, generous, thoughtful and kind...but she's sad a lot and I don't know how to help her with her sadness when I carry this terrible burden of resentment squarely between us. That makes her sadder.
Her Mother's Day gift this year is going to be that I'm done pretending. I'm done waiting for that magical moment when the piles of hurt from the past disappear on their own. My gift to my mother, to myself, to my kids and to all of those around me who see how I carry and defend my resentments is that I'm going to do something about it.
Starting today...despite how scary it is, I start where I can...peeking at it as much as possible. It starts with me and it starts today. It starts with an "I'm sorry" for waiting so long and that I'm so unbelievably grateful that the opportunity still exists.