*I was clearing up loose ends and ran across this entry saved as a draft. I remember writing this, close on the heels of a trip to Reno that blew many of my perceptions out of the water. I'd love to write that this day was the beginning of a lovely period of my life but instead it's a reminder to not live life as a "draft" tucking the thoughts and goals into a folder to stumble across later. I'm actually at the same exact place today...and I wonder if it's not a place that comes and goes as changes occur and cycles in life change. In the almost year's time, my babyboy has gotten his permit to drive, has started Sophomore year and my babygirl is a Senior...and has grown past the lying about her lifestyle to admitting to the same things I did when I was her age...and we've had to find a level of honesty that both of us can respect each other for. There has certainly been growth. There have been times of letting go and times of fighting each and every change. There has been resentment and bitterness, tears and hurt feelings. But there has been more joy and laughter than ever before and there has been an authenticity to life that is breathtaking. It's been a year since the post below and in some ways I'm right there in the same head space...but even with that said, it's a different person standing in those shoes...a little more scarred and a little less scared...and smiling ear to ear about every step of the adventure.
This is the post from 9/27/09:
In just a few short months' time, there has been a LOT of change in my life. A love left. My baby girl went through two female rights of passage...THEN she got her driver's license. An old friend came in on a wave of promise and then left again, taking our dreams with him. My son started high school. My job morphed into something new and challenging. My ex and I began modifying mostly everything there is to possibly modify. The house was refinanced and is under remodel. We bought the convertible.
It's been difficult remember what needs attention, what demands it, what is better off without it and what simply requires patience.
There have been some days where I wonder whose life this is and even who on earth I am.
Those days have increased to where they are the norm rather than the exception.
Today it really struck me that all this change is amazing. I had been so busy trying to make sure all the changes were okay that I forgot that I'm not in control of a single solitary thing. Every one of the things I listed is a positive and lovely thing that adds to the spectacular adventure that is life. Each one is happening or has happened because it was simply time.
It was time for change. For lovely change. None of this has to be difficult or a struggle or require attention...perhaps some influence occasionally if need be, but I get to choose even that.
One of the scariest parts of this has been the new freedom. All of the sudden, as I know is common at this stage of the game, I barely see my babies. I went from being the sports chauffeur to being near obsolete overnight. The high school buses the kids to sporting events. My babygirl drives when they don't. Those weekends that before I spent with my love away from home when the kids were with their dad, I now have free. My job is four ten hour days which leaves random weekdays free and three weekends a month. That is a LOT of freedom. I've been balking. I've been fighting it. I've gone kicking and screaming or spending days in bed in protest. I'm done with that now.
Today the curtain lifted and I literally gasped when I realized what wonder-full potential lay directly in my path. This phase of my life is full of possibility. I have time, energy, space and love that I can pour into...well, into ANYTHING I choose! It's time to take a good hard look at this life. At who I am, where I am, who and where I want to be and to take steps in the direction I choose. It's time for definition and direction or purpose-full lack thereof. It's time to dust off those goals and dreams and spend time visualizing what they would really look like in real life. It's time...for time. And this is going to be amazing.