Silence

I sat here to write, like I've sat here on so many other occasions over the past few months...fingers poised over the keys and thoughts flying through my mind. Tonight, like all of those other nights before this one, I get up and meditate instead. I'm cocooning, stilling and silencing my words instead of sharing them...letting them swirl and stew and become something beautiful beyond imagining.

Ohm...

Imagine & Allow

I've most recently labelled my new calendar years Carpe Diem & Moxie in 2010 then Possibility & Brilliance in 2011.

This year is Imagine & Allow.

It's not on purpose...but I can see the evolution of my soul in this progression. First it was: give it all you've got, live out loud, be gutsy and grab ahold. Next it was: expand your vision to see what might be there waiting to dazzle and captivate. Now it is: use less vision and more visualizing, create fertile ground and and around this little sphere so those possibilities have the time and space and nourishment to flourish, bloom and turn into amazing sweetness.

It's how it should be.

Remembrance Day

***This post was written last year, saved as a draft and forgotten. Two days ago, the scene was eerily repeated almost to the smallest detail. Same checker, elderly man ahead of me in line with is cap identifying him as a Korean war veteran. The difference in the situation this year is that last year's encounter had prepared me to be grateful and expressive. I stood there a person changed by a year of living, learning and listening. ***


Last night, two hours and thirty minutes into overtime at the end of one of my most emotionally draining workdays in a long time, I had one work-related stop to make before I could settle into my evening at home.

I walked into the most inconveniently located market in existence with nothing but thoughts of fuzzy socks,pajamas, my couch, hot tea and the next episode of Life Unexpected that were all waiting at the end of this errand. I approached the check stand with only one person in front of me, a nondescript man of advanced years. I found myself twisting the tie on my dress...a sure sign that I'm impatient and something is about to REALLY get on my nerves.

The checker was Middle Eastern man with a heavy accent that made his tongue trip and tangle over his words. The customer he was speaking to was hard of hearing. They were having trouble communicating and the customer was reaching the end of his patience...worse than me and my twisting. The checker slowed down, but he slowed his actions as well as his words and that did not sit well with the impatience brewing in his line. Aeons later, he was finally making change and handed it to the man in front of me in line. When he placed the last coin in the older man's hand, he used both of his hands to clasp the man's hand in his. He nodded his head toward the older man's hat and said, very very slowly and obviously as clearly as he possibly could, "I will probably not see you tomorrow so I would like to say thank you today for everything you have done to ensure this is a country of freedom and promise and hope." He was smiling and glossy-eyed and held the man's hand for just a beat longer than he spoke.

I couldn't help my curiosity and am pretty ashamed that I didn't have a clue why he was talking about "tomorrow." When the other customer turned to me and I saw his VFW hat with pins and patches I recognized but don't understand, I was doubly ashamed. The checker obviously DID understand...and dismantled every misconception I had up until that moment one feeling, one realization, one bit of awe at a time. He might be Middle Eastern and trip over our language, but he was very obviously twice the American I could ever hope to be.

I celebrate in my heart today every altruistic act of those serving our military, today and yesterday...to protect and ensure the right to freedom, promise and hope for a country full of people who might or might not understand or appreciate...might even protest what they are doing. These men and women are of the utmost integrity...doing what they believe is right despite the actions or beliefs of others...despite the ignorance of a tired, impatient, oblivious girl in a small town at an inconveniently located market needing to be reminded of their sacrifice by a Middle Eastern man who knew better than to take it for granted.

The Corner of Oh Shit and What the Fuck

There is so much changing. My head starts to throb with the simple exercise of wrapping around it all.

It's exhilarating.

It's terrifying.

I'm being dragged kicking and screaming into change...when change is what I thrive on. I'm resisting and I'm giving in, giving up and pulling the covers over my head as often as I'm putting on a good face and pretending that I've got this.

I don't.

I get up, go to yoga...go on long walks in this lovely place. I spend time with friends, nights with an old lover. I fill out paperwork and call my kids. I make breakfast and sign my name when the dotted line calls for it. I'm even in the midst of changing that...my very name.

I'm pretending that I'm okay.

I'm growing and learning...struggling and triumphing...every day there is some great victory and some scary moment that equally take my breath away.

You hear my voice, you know my heart...you see these words and wonder if you should be more worried than you have been. You worry that my speeches lately have been false, if you should have seen through them. You hope that you haven't missed something obvious.

The truth is that even I know it's all going to be okay...even when I feel like THIS. The truth is that I'm right where I'm supposed to be, doing just what I'm meant to do, be, see, experience and grow through.

Fact is, something can be terrifying and exciting simultaneously.

Someone can be lost just to be on the brink of finding themselves and finding their place.

I'm so lost...and it's okay.

I Believe in Santa

I have a magic wand. One that really works.

Don't be jealous. You have it too...you just have to download the software update and be patient during the buffering process.

My friends will tell you about my magic wand, but the words they will say are "lucky" or "in the right place at the right time" or "things just go her way" or my favorite "coincidences follow her."

That's one lovely viewpoint. Kinda sounds like magic.

The words I say are "mad manifesting skills" or "bitchen alignment with the Universe."

My magic wand is my mind and imagination. I've had it from birth and sometime way back in my childhood, I stopped believing in it's powerful ability to imagine my inner world into existence. I'd hazard a guess that it was around the same time I stopped expecting Santa to show up. Oddly enough, when I stopped expecting him was exactly when his visits ceased. Not so oddly, a couple of years ago when I started expecting him again, his visits resumed.

I could stop there and my work here would be done.

But that would leave you wondering about the hows. I am by no means an expert on the hows. I don't have an impressive library of woo-woo books. I haven't been to a single seminar or retreat to learn techniques. I don't have a guru. I do have hours of podcasts saved to my iTunes library but I've never listened to them. My meditation is sporadic and juvenile and often my mind strays to shiny things or broken things or my dog or my to do list or what was that noise?

So, how is it that I have mad manifesting skills and a bitchen alignment with the Universe?

Belief. That's how. Well, that's step one of three. It's the step where I learned patience. It's the step where I metaphorically looked at the hourglass and said "Yay, BUFFERING!" instead of clicking to the next video. It's the place where I cultivated gratitude for the process and remained completely present in that current amazing moment with all of its waning frustration and potential for greatness. It's also the place where I grew to believe that the entire Universe and Cosmos are constantly conspiring in my favor for the juiciest version of my dreams to come true. This step takes time and is unfortunately where the potential to give up is most ripe. I did. A hundred times over. Something kept bringing me back...some tiny memory from childhood that kept saying "believe" followed by "it took Santa 364 days to come back every year!" I figured that like a child, I could believe in something for 364 days. 364 days were going to pass no matter what and it was my choice on how to spend them...but I knew I would need help. Daily help. Something that would have the capacity to remind me of my goal to stay in a state of faith every single day upon waking. I did one of the smartest things I've ever done. I started having conversations with people who seemed to have this ineffable quality I desired. I was directed to this and this . For 364 days the words delivered to my inbox were my first conscious thoughts of the day. It didn't take very many days for my thinking to shift from "if only" to "here it comes!" It was a beauty~full awakening and a lovely gift I gave myself.

Today I believe that I am worthy and amazing...that the dreams I would like to have come true can and will. I believe that the foundations are there, waiting for me to flesh them out with steps two and three: visualization and open~minded movement forward in a world that is set up to make dreams come true.

Visualizing requires so very little. It can take a split second...and that split second can hold enormous power. I started closing my eyes and imagining all the subtle little nuances of what it would look like, smell like, feel like, sound like, taste like and BE like to be completely immersed in my dream come true. I get as detailed as I possibly can with whatever time I have. When I do this, I experience butterflies in my belly or an endorphin rush or a peaceful mellowed out bliss. How can THAT be bad? Then it occurred to me that my mind doesn't know the difference between what I imagine and what outward reality is. My thoughts have the power to convince my brain that I am experiencing something that is only happening in my imagination. Whoa. What else can my thoughts do? Are they truly a vibration that can attract like vibrations? Overcome by wonder, I took that out for a spin.

So far, I was working hard in my heart and soul and mind. That's all internal and the world outside of my being is where the dreams were waiting for me. Intention was lovely but I realized it takes more than that. There has to be action. There has to be connection and exposure to these mythical, mystical vibrations if I was going to attract them! I started moving toward my dreams in some way, large or small, every day. Just a start...and it turned into a lifestyle. I regularly seek out web sites, like minded friends on social media sites or a blogs to follow. I have conversations, read books, take or teach classes. I go places I haven't been before and open my eyes and heart fully each and every place I find myself, being aware of people and opportunities that I may not have noticed otherwise. I smile and say hello, take my headphones off and listen to the people and the world around me. I vary my patterns of where I shop, where I park, my routes or mode of transport. I do something...anything. Just a start. Starting is where the magic begins...and I happen to love magic.

Santa doesn't wait 364 days to visit anymore. That wonder, excitement, gratitude, hope~full way of living that I knew as a child is back...and present every day as if the bearded man was delivering it in his big red velvet bag directly to my grateful heart...sled and reindeer preferred but not required.

My life is a series of dreams come true. I love saying that.


(If you're reading this and it's all too woo woo for you, read it again. Take the woo woo out. I've fallen in love with myself. I've found faith and happiness. I nurture my mind. I am a more present human being, fostering a connection and respect with myself and the world around me...including you. Woo woo removed, how can THAT be anything but great?)

Love Looks Like a Laughing Sea

You know those moments when you're not sure...well, you're not sure of much of anything?

In those moments, I allow. I allow uncertainty. I allow patience...for the answers to come to me...in their own time and via whatever messenger is willing and available.

I've been uncertain.

I've been waiting.

Finally, this came: "For as long as you wish to keep them in your life, whoever they may be, understanding them, as opposed to changing them, will wildly improve the chances that they'll wish to keep you in their life. ~The Universe"

Then there was this: "Dear Human: You’ve got it all wrong. You didn’t come here to master unconditional love. That is where you came from and where you’ll return. You came here to learn personal love. Universal love. Messy love. Sweaty love. Crazy love. Broken love. Whole love. Infused with divinity. Lived through the grace of stumbling. Demonstrated through the beauty of… messing up. Often. You didn’t come here to be perfect. You already are. You came here to be gorgeously human. Flawed and fabulous. And then to rise again into remembering. But unconditional love? Stop telling that story. Love, in truth, doesn’t need ANY other adjectives. It doesn’t require modifiers. It doesn’t require the condition of perfection. It only asks that you show up. And do your best. That you stay present and feel fully. That you shine and fly and laugh and cry and hurt and heal and fall and get back up and play and work and live and die as YOU. It’s enough. It’s Plenty. ~Courtney A. Walsh”

I didn't realize the question was: How Can I Love Without Limits, Without Expectations, Without Fear?

But it is. It is the question. And the answers are oh, so goosebumpy.

Then today I opened my journal...an old journal I haven't used in years. Today I opened it to a page where I had written an ode to an ex while sitting on a Jamaican beach Thanksgiving 2010. We were in touch...again. We were trying to figure out how to be something, anything...again. Today I read my words and I read the above passages and I smiled thinking of how Fate must smile at the challenges we put forth, for I see my words now as a challenge...one that Fate met and The Universe is now explaining to me.

My journal entry says "I sat on the beach, writing our initials in the sand and watching the sea take them back into it's cold depths. I nestled into the sand where it's warm and comforting. I closed my eyes and opened my heart...letting our story pour out into the sea. The sea laughed with the rhythm of breaking waves. It already knew. It knew so much more than we ever will. It offered salt crusted comfort in not knowing. It promised nothing and everything and left me smiling at nothing and everything. There is no us. There was no us. There has always been just a laughing sea, nothing and everything all at once. There is you and there is me and there is the laughing sea."

Today there is acceptance. Today there is gratitude. Today there are smiles. Today there is me, loving anyone who asks to be loved...in whatever way they need the love I have to offer. Today there is no fear and that makes Fate smile upon me.

How Can I Love Without Limits, Without Expectations, Without Fear?

There is no "how".

The answer is yes.

Just yes.

Just Because...

Sometimes I sit here alone, feeling alone...feeling isolated and sad and sure that I'm the only person feeling this way while everyone I know is somewhere laughing...loving...living out loud. Sometimes. Not often. But lately. Yes, lately.

Then the switch is hit and the feelings pass. It never fails that when I tentatively step into the social circles again, I am blasted with reminders of how connected we all are. Our battles aren't so different. Our perceptions aren't so different. Our needs are so very much NOT different.

And today, this:

What if our religion was each other
If our practice was our life
If our prayer, our words
What if the temple was the Earth
If forests were our church
If holy water - the rivers, lakes and ocean
What if meditation was our relationships
If the teacher was Life
If the wisdom was self knowledge
If love was the centre of our being?

- Ganga White

AMEN!