I revisited my old blog. This excerpt from November 1, 2008 jumped off of the page at me...
"C painted my toenails in room full of people completely matter-of-factly...the singularly most intimate experience of my life at that time. C was a mess...but he taught me that with enough tequila, you can ignore any mess. C was guitar lessons in the park, sushi and saki with chopsticks in my hair. He was late nite excursions to the observatory and spur-of-the-moment trips to Sonic, 45 minutes away, for cherry limeade. He was my travelling partner-in-crime and 9 pm naps with 1 am trips to the bar afterward. He was lazy Sundays in bed watching season after season of Desperate Housewives. He was dancing and dancing and dancing some more. He was hangover food and gourmet meals. He was my prince who put me on a pedestal and made me feel like the only girl in the universe. But I wasn't. It took a year and finally legal intervention to get him away after I found that out. C left me with the "if onlys" and a firm fear of trusting too much. A year later, I'm sick of C's legacy and I've decided to abandon that firm fear and replace it with hope."
At the time I wrote that, I was one year contact and tear-free, over C.
I'm ruminating today about how sometimes it's truly necessary to revisit the lesson to remind yourself of how far you've come.
C and I recently attempted to rekindle our friendship after almost two years of little to no contact. That felt reasonable, two full years of healing and living and learning. His life appeared settled and his new girl seemed suited for him quite nicely. As we got to know each other again, it became pretty clear that he was unsettled and unhappy. It became even more clear that he was searching for something more...and we began to fall into old patterns. When I took the time to catch my breath and take a good hard look at things, I realized that it was time for us to stop, look & listen, to remember the old lessons together and avert disaster.
My idealistic imaginings of a loving conversation in pear shaped tones full of maturity and kindness and an eye on how to create a safe and loving friendship didn't quite pan out. Actually he became angry and chose to return to our previous state of no contact, all or nothing. I cried for days...not out of grief or sadness or longing. I cried tears of betrayal again...but this time it was me who betrayed me. I had closed my left eye with purpose and intent to ignore what I knew, what I had lived and what I was seeing once again. I had chosen to hope and I had betrayed my own truth, my own beliefs and my own responsibility to myself to live my life with eyes wide open.
I am so glad to have given myself permission to revisit that old lesson. I am so much more than the girl who cried over him two years ago, the girl who wrote about him one year ago and even the girl who attempted to be his friend this time around. I'm the girl who knows herself, her own values and limits. I'm the girl who knows when to smile kindly and use soft words but own only what is mine. I'm the girl who doesn't have to run anymore. I'm the girl who can stand still and be me...love who and where I am and let the storm around me run its own course for its own reasons without FEMA having to come in to fix the damage.
I'm the girl who loves this life with all of its amazing challenges and adventures. I'm the girl who can't wait to see what lesson comes next...and knows with absolute certainty that it will be wonder-full.