Ch ch ch changes...

If you took a shirt, cut off the sleeves, turned it inside out, tie-dyed it a rainbow of hues, shrunk it and then tried to wear it...you might...just MIGHT have an idea of what my life is like right about now.

My life bears little resemblance to itself a mere two months ago. I'm in completely different state of mind, state of the union and currently in a completely different state period. My things are here...within these walls that are no longer the ones I own. Who resides within these walls is very different. Who I am is even up for grabs. The future is an elusive concept....and whereas the shirt metaphor rings true...there is nothing remotely frantic, disruptive or scary about putting on a tie-dyed shirt. Conversely...yep. Frantic. Disruptive. Scary.

I missed a few of The Burning Questions in the series due to lack of internet, brainpower, ability to process emotions outside of survival and no desire to write. I have kept track and one of the first questions I missed asked what boat in life needs burning. The question came from a parable about a tribe that goes from one island to another, burning their boat when they arrive so that they don't have the option or ability to go backwards. I'm still not quite ready to answer that question...the lingering thought in my mind is that I wonder how long they waited, upon arriving at their new destination, to ensure that they could survive there before they set that craft afire? They had to scout, surely? They had to, right? Were there ANY members of their tribe who might, at some point in the future, have to or choose to return? Were loyalty and dedication to the new location universally accepted even if not embraced? I have too many questions to have answers just yet.

But I'm working on it. Slowly. And for now, I'm setting my fear in that boat at the shore...where a spark just might find it.

What I expect money to do for me...

I have been so poor that I visited food closets and hefted the bags and boxes on public transportation through grime and glares and occasionally theft so that I could feed my family.

I have been so poor that I robbed Peter, Paul, Mary and all their cousins...knowing my utilities could go a full 90 days before they would be shut off...and it was worth it to have fresh milk and veggies for my family.

I have been so poor that we learned to recycle, reuse and compost...because I couldn't afford trash service.

I have been so poor that we stopped celebrating holidays with any sort of store-bought gift giving.

I have been so poor that I had to choose between enough gas to get to the bus stop that day or enough gas to get to work the next day.

I have been so poor that I rode a bike everywhere I needed to go while my kids were on their father's timeshare.

I have been so poor that I have layered extra blankets on the bed and crammed the three of us in that bed to avoid turning on the heater.

I have been so poor that I learned the importance of being greener, more active, having my priorities in order, un-commercializing the holidays, cuddling with my kids while they were small enough to share a family bed.

I have been so poor that I learned humility and balance, compassion and generosity of spirit.

I have been so poor that I looked for all the lovely~ness that is available with no price tag anywhere at all.

I have been so poor that I have grown completely rich in my heart and mind.

Today, I am wealthy. My bank account says so. Opportunities have opened for me exponentially in many directions. But I will use THIS opportunity to tell you that without a single doubt, I could not have this career that I adore so greatly and reimburses me financially so well if I hadn't spent the time poverty-stricken learning the lessons that make me so proud and fabulous at what I do as a job every day.

What I expect money to do for me is simple: Keep me keeping on...with less struggle than a time not so long ago.

Someday I would like my money to come from being your Simplification Consultant or your Life Changing Event Coach.

I would like to do this from my home, the Earthship, where I cherish a herd? flock? gaggle? of rescued animals and a house full of teenaged girls who thought that their current pregnancy meant the end of their dreams...and we work together to prove that to be completely incorrect.

Come on, Money...we've got some work to do.

The reverse side of the reverse side

I was sitting here...equal parts confused, angry, righteous, buggered and bereft. This recipe bakes up a heaping dish of irritability when given enough time to stew.

This irritability had built up and was now distracting me beyond all measure. The noise. The fuzzy feeling on my teeth. My cold feet. Something sticky under my forearm on the surface of my desk.

I literally threw a temper tantrum...stomped into the kitchen, slammed through the cupboard until I found the windex and a rag. I squirted and wiped the surface of my desk. There. Movement...however small...can alleviate the irritability. Can. Unless the sticky~ness remains. It did. Then I realized it was tape. Who the FUCK stuck tape to the surface of my desk...and WHY??? Of all the...

Irritability factor through the roof.

Then I peeled the tape back. And it went from invisible to slap me in the face visible.



Perspective check. The noise? Kids playing outside. The fuzz on my teeth? Peanut Brittle instead of dinner. The cold feet? A lovely Spring~ish day perfect for open windows and bare feet. The sticky desktop? A reminder of love from the one place I never expected it to come from today and needed the most.

Thank you, perspective...you're always there...just waiting for me to notice you.

My haven, my heaven...

My answers to the inaugural post for The Burning Questions Series!

How do you want it all to feel?

By "all" I have chosen those things in my day that make it real from waking to sleep again.

my bed...a floating feathery nest of dreams and hope and promise and rejuvenation.

my home...a safe, sacred, sweet~smelling oasis of acceptance, laughter, simple love and play.

my kids...energetic optimists equal parts kindness humor and presence...fumbling their way to authenticity with all the wild soul ripping joy and pain that we can possibly handle.

my drive...a river with a steady current of tunes that float me along to a destination I've chosen...with landmarks that remind me that even duty is chosen.

my job...a fairy tale of wand waving and love bombing psychic glitter all day every day.

my body...an instrument to rejoice in.

my friendships...a carved out place in a field of high grass and flowers below a brilliant blue sky or a glittering sky of stars...secluded, intimate, hopeful, earthy and pure.

my love affairs...a slow and sultry bass riff on a brandy soaked sunday.

my evening...a vacation full of limitless conversation, adventures, friends new and old and time to just be.

my conversations...connections of the heart, bonding and reminding and equal parts soul salving and kick in the ass.

my sleep...sound and solid, full of technicolor dreams that serve upon waking to remind of possibility and power.

What I Trust

Some fights need fighting regardless of the expected outcome.

Being kind matters more than being right.

Being kind does not mean being a doormat and sometimes for good to be done, justice is required.

It's my privilege and responsibility to keep my space sacred.

The formula to peace is simple: Pure intention + solid integrity + transparency - fear = Peace.

Integrity is doing the right thing for the sake of doing the right thing, without attachment to the outcome.

Dogs have perfected unconditional love.

Truth emerges no matter what, so it's such a time-saver to lead with it...and if you doubt truth is what you're getting, just be patient.

The glass house saying is so very true and wise.

An extra moment to be mind~full is a wise investment of time.

Bible stories have stuck around this long because the lessons are ones we crave.

There are movies and songs that have taught me more than some of my Master's level college courses ever did...so I keep watching and listening.

Being me is enough. If if it seems like it isn't, it still is. In hindsight, I've been at my best at times when I thought I was totally broken, messy and unworthy.

Sometimes the best cure is any of these: a solid chunk of sleep, a walk in nature, bare feet in the grass, flip flop tan lines, hot tea, fuzzy socks, a baby's laugh, a picnic or serving someone else.

When in doubt, waiting is fine. If someone or something can't wait when you feel the need to then waiting is even more surely the right thing to do.

We are defined by our choices, in what we feel and how we think and what we consume therefore our choices should be thought~full.

2012

Be pure in your intentions.

Be solid in your integrity.

Be completely transparent.

Don't let fear guide a single decision.

This is my recipe for twenty~twelve.

No more. No less.

Gotye said it best...

it wasn't because you became unattractive.
it wasn't because you were mean when it wasn't necessary.
it wasn't because you didn't pay enough attention.
it wasn't because we never really had a song.
it wasn't because of her or her or her or her.
it wasn't because of the way you drove or took too big of bites.
it wasn't because all of your friends were jackasses.
it wasn't because you were an ass when you drank.
it wasn't because you were alternately standoffish and needy.
it wasn't your mommy or daddy or baby momma issues.
it wasn't where you lived or what you did for a living.

it was how I felt about me for having someone like you in my life.
it was how I disappeared so that you could grow larger than life.
it was how celebratory I felt when your influence was gone.

and today it was how peaceful it felt to answer "just somebody that I used to know."