Love letter to Ft. Bragg

Hi love. I get to see you today. I've been trying to stay busy, distracted...so that I wouldn't spend all of my time daydreaming about our upcoming time together. The anticipation has been taking me on quite the ride. Today I let the butterflies take flight in my belly and I'm piecing together things to bring with me...it's mostly whimsy. I bet you didn't know that a suitcase full of whimsy practically floats itself to the trunk of the car! On fairy feet. On gossamer wings.

You've been so much to me, evolving over the years from my first teenaged romantic getaway...when I thought gas station roses and dancing to Unchained Melody under your stars was the height of romance. (Wait, that still works for me. Let's have some of that this weekend, please). You were rowdy family reunions and days of watching my babies get to know your tastes and textures, your wildness and insulated safety. You were all magical forest camping and fires oceanside. You were glittering glass beaches full of dazzling wizardry and hikes where the towering ferns themselves made me feel my humanity. You were quenching and nourishing with your forests spilling over cliffs into an oftentimes stormy powerful sea...simultaneously grounding and lofty euphoria without a clear beginning or end. You were my honeymoon, my labor day, my birthday...you were disappointments and redemptions. You presented me with gifts from the depths of the sea, craft beers, whales and caves and even a coffin shaped like a big fish.

You mesmerized me...mesmerize me. You have embraced every love that I've brought with me, quenching and nourishing them just as diligently as you did me...young and old alike. I take you with me everywhere and each time we are together, I leave a piece of me behind.

I'm on my way...and we have magic to make.

Just Breathe...

I occasionally fall into a trap. The comparison trap. I'm on track toward a goal...any goal...and someone I'm connected to is on the same track. Maybe steps beyond me or steps behind. Maybe we vacillate. At times I feel like a coach and other times I feel like a slacker. Ouch. Sometimes I feel like a failure and the self recrimination becomes a demon that haunts my every decision. Comparison is so counterproductive. Even when I'm in the steps beyond camp, I struggle with feelings of superiority...knowing on a gut level that "sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind...the race is long, and in the end it's only with yourself" (Mary Schmich, Chicago Tribune, 1997) and that superiority merely causes breaks in connection which is the exact opposite of how I want to live this life.

So I regroup. Right now, in one goal, I am behind where I wish I was. I am beyond where I thought I would be. In comparison to those on my same journey, I struggle with judging their methods and goals. Judging...along with superiority become comparison's evil henchmen.

Here's where I am today. I woke up and it was foggy. ~sigh~ I love fog. I put on appropriate clothing and walked a couple of miles in the fog. Soaking it in, being fully present and insulated. Being held gently by one of the earth's amazing water tricks. I met my own methods and goals in that naturally meditative space. My goals don't tend to have numbers or letters or any measurable outcome. My goals are 100% totally and completely about feeling.

Succulent, Awed, Magical, Magnetic, Deeply Connected. Every day in every way.

Fitness? Succulent in my clothes, deeply connected to my body...not a body I happen to have but one I inhabit in a deeply connected feeling way. That requires hydration, restful sleep, meditation, pure nourishment and movement...pushing, pulling, lifting, running, dancing, skipping, walking. It requires I push my body in ways that allow me to feel it not only as I'm doing it but days after. I'm not about a number on a scale, a number on a tag or inches on a tape. I'm about being in this body passionately.

My career? Awed by my fellow humans. Magical to those who come to me for perspective and healing. Magnetic to those who crave my natural gifts. Deeply connected to a commitment to my fellow beings in all of their forms.

My world? Awed. Aware of my magical deep connection to all of our planet and mother nature's natural gifts.

My people? All of it. Succulent, I want to nourish them. Awed...I want to be soulfully nourished BY them. Magical...I want to practice being present in ways that transcend the obvious reality. Magnetic...I want to only be in the presence of those with whom the attraction is mutual and learn to let the others find their own other pole. Deeply connected...I want to wind my roots around and share those vital nutrients with others, becoming stronger naturally through this process...no more superficiality or avoidance.

My goals are mine. They are not superior or inferior to any other person's. There is no universal yardstick and I am truly never ahead or behind any other person. The race I am in with myself is not only long, it is infinite. The only possible measurement is how committed I remained on any given day to staying true to those feelings.

Today has infinite possibilities and I am grateful to the fog for the space to remember these things.

Just Because...

Sometimes I sit here alone, feeling alone...feeling isolated and sad and sure that I'm the only person feeling this way while everyone I know is somewhere laughing...loving...living out loud. Sometimes. Not often. But lately. Yes, lately.

Then the switch is hit and the feelings pass. It never fails that when I tentatively step into the social circles again, I am blasted with reminders of how connected we all are. Our battles aren't so different. Our perceptions aren't so different. Our needs are so very much NOT different.

And today, this:

What if our religion was each other
If our practice was our life
If our prayer, our words
What if the temple was the Earth
If forests were our church
If holy water - the rivers, lakes and ocean
What if meditation was our relationships
If the teacher was Life
If the wisdom was self knowledge
If love was the centre of our being?

- Ganga White

AMEN!

Day Thirteen~ish: Trouvé

So this isn't quite going as I had hoped. Commit to sharing three beauty~full things about every day for thirty days...be more aware of beauty, be more present in life and on this blog. Structure. Routine. Accountability.

Hrmph.

Not so much.

There have been forgotten days, day # 7 happened twice...I've rambled on without identifying what the beauty~full things were on one particular day and today I even forgot the password to gain access to this very space.

But.

One of my lovelies sighed heavily and said "I really meant to do the beauty~full things with you, but..."

And I replied "you've been too busy LIVING your beauty~full things to write about them!"

I think I fell a little bit in love with that. Thank you, my lovely...for leading, loving, living as an example and reminder and celebration of beauty.

Today's beauty:
♥Finding out my gaw-juss Aunt reads my blog.
♥Finding a pair of Free People wedge sandals in my size in my latest favorite color scheme AT A THRIFT STORE FOR $5!!! (psst...same shoes on ebay for $80!!!)
♥Finding out that my first love, my babygirl can't come visit. Beauty~full? What? Oh yes, heart~burstingly beauty~FULL!!! Because she is busy blazing her own trail and creating her beauty~full life.

Day Eleven of Beauty: Past and Presence

♥The moment you set eyes on a long-time friend after too much time apart...how patterns and behavior and memories surface almost immediately. Us walking behind her mother in the grocery store almost a perfect mimic of 20+ years ago.

♥Great outdoors not so far from home but an entire world apart. Good food, great company and conversation...and one-way pig-proof screens.

♥Marking a life list item off, in tandem.

Day Three: Fluffy Friday Flutters

♥A Friday that felt as carefree and permissible as a Saturday...all day long.

♥Dandelion fluff wishes...you never know where they might land.

♥The lovely flutter of anticipation when out of town company is on their way.

Stop! In the name of love...

There's been a tickle...a nudge...sometimes a flighty dance-y freeing feeling and sometimes a hard heaviness dead center spreading to the edges of my heart's consciousness. It's a knowledge, an awareness, a certainty.

I am not responsible for anyone else's happiness.

There, I said it.

Not only is that lovely...unconditionally accepting of everyone everywhere in any state of mind they may be in but it's also scarily unimportant and nowhere near the center of anyone else's universe.

Isn't it amazing, the things we tell ourselves.

So, I will stop.

I will stop trying to think so far ahead...worrying, pushing, molding, scolding, advising, spending energy on trying to create just the right place, situation and experience.

I will stop. I have stopped. Right now.

I will instead simply be. I will dream and create and do what I love...and invite.

I will twirl and be happy. Just me...with plenty of room for anyone with a tutu and a twirl in their heart as well.

My haven, my heaven...

My answers to the inaugural post for The Burning Questions Series!

How do you want it all to feel?

By "all" I have chosen those things in my day that make it real from waking to sleep again.

my bed...a floating feathery nest of dreams and hope and promise and rejuvenation.

my home...a safe, sacred, sweet~smelling oasis of acceptance, laughter, simple love and play.

my kids...energetic optimists equal parts kindness humor and presence...fumbling their way to authenticity with all the wild soul ripping joy and pain that we can possibly handle.

my drive...a river with a steady current of tunes that float me along to a destination I've chosen...with landmarks that remind me that even duty is chosen.

my job...a fairy tale of wand waving and love bombing psychic glitter all day every day.

my body...an instrument to rejoice in.

my friendships...a carved out place in a field of high grass and flowers below a brilliant blue sky or a glittering sky of stars...secluded, intimate, hopeful, earthy and pure.

my love affairs...a slow and sultry bass riff on a brandy soaked sunday.

my evening...a vacation full of limitless conversation, adventures, friends new and old and time to just be.

my conversations...connections of the heart, bonding and reminding and equal parts soul salving and kick in the ass.

my sleep...sound and solid, full of technicolor dreams that serve upon waking to remind of possibility and power.

There ARE beauty~full things every day...

it just took me almost 4 months to remember to see them. That's approximately 120 days of beauty~less~ness.

I locked this personal, sacred space of mine down as a fear reaction. Four months ago I lost my way. I knew it. I didn't like it. But fixing it meant trying to negotiate my way along an unfamiliar, overgrown path on a moonless night. With snakes. The thing that I forgot is: I am not afraid of snakes. I'm not afraid of being alone. I'm not afraid of moonless nights. I forgot that I'm not afraid, period.

I'm brave. Today I remembered that. It took time and it took patient angels. The result is this. Today I open my heart and I invite you in. I open my personal, sacred space and ask only this: Stay, curl up with me and my words and lets weave something amazing together in this bit of space and time. Have positive intentions. If you feel so inclined, let me know you stopped by. Challenge me if you disagree. Gently move on if this space and your energy are not a match. Get to know me. Smile a secret smile if you already do. Trust me. Keep smiling if that already applies. Smile some more, just for the hell of it.

This is me being brave, and I thank you for reading. For being a patient angel. For smiling.

One beauty~full thing for each of the past four months:

♥ A moment so staggering that it necessitated the spinning of a cocoon...but a cocoon means that some other season sees a butterfly. Wings, baby. Wings.

♥ A move, a moving out and moving on....my baby girl off to college and on to the next stage of her amazing adventure.

♥ A long holiday weekend off work and surrounded by love...followed by a long holiday from worry in the most important area of my life...and all the positive changes that came along with that.

♥ A single cold and wet day perfect for breaking out the tall boots and a long scarf. An umbrella. The heater. Down comforters. One day was enough...for now.

Three Beauty~Full Freedoms

♥a home...with the freedom to be here or be away from here for as much or as little as I want but still have special space that is all mine.

♥a profession...with the freedom to maintain it or change it or even leave it completely to do something entirely different but no matter what, do what brings me joy.

♥a tribe of lovelies...with the freedom to be me, magnificent or messy as I might be at any given moment and still be loved.

Days Twenty Six & Seven of Beauty...and magic!

♥Discovering North Beach...the absolute quaintest little lodging...bare minimum but done so very well...touches of lovely here there and everywhere.

♥A walkable city...Wharf to Union Square with Little Italy and Chinatown on the way.

♥Sushi...in a confused atmosphere but deliciousness deliciousness and more deliciousness.

♥Birthday item #39...all because my Sunshine made it so!


♥Getting lost looking for Mexican food leading us to a handsome stranger.

♥Golden Gate Park via Haight Ashbury...the sheer expansiveness of all that wonder~full~ness...so much left to see and explore and discover!

Day Five of Beauty...Senses and Sense.

♥Herbal tea...how healing it feels in my belly.

♥Silk dress...how sensual it feels on my skin.

♥Sisterhood...how it gives roots and wings simultaneously.

Do one thing every day that thrills you...

Lately, I have...

♥ adopted a surprise new "puppy"...hmmm...all 85 lbs of "puppy" :)

♥ learned a tough truth and lived thru it.

♥ owned my own shit...and my power too.

♥ celebrated 74 years of a love's life...and gotten a double bird behind the back for my efforts. Goodheartedly.

♥ made up some stories.

♥ shopped at the mall...and I hate Hate HATE to shop...but I loved this trip.

♥ gotten a BIG ole bonus for makin things happen.

♥ dug out some new flower beds and weeded the others...getting ready!

♥ gone topless...in the car. ;)

♥ bought wrinkle cream...why not?

♥ almost got caught with my hand in the cookie jar...and questioned my need for cookies.

♥ learned new eye makeup tricks...from Cher.

♥ copied my lovely's cajun lasagna...and rocked it!

♥ took a shower with the hairiest beast ever.

♥ made a new drink: 1 shot each of creme de menthe, godiva liqueur & vanilla vodka, shaken and served in a chocolate swirled martini glass. yummmmm...

♥ bought all 10 seasons of Friends. Yes, I buy my friends.

♥ ate fish & chips...with malt vinegar.

♥ fell in love with a wee little house that has a pair of palm trees and sits on the river bank. sigh.

♥ developed a girl crush on Megg.

♥ started boy child on the right path.

♥ drank an entire bottle of Gewurztraminer, a glass at a time with my mermaid soul sister...laughing and shrieking and telling secrets and truths.

♥ accepted certain inalienable truths...and life got wayyy easier.

♥ thought about you and smiled. Yes, David...you. ;)

♥ got enough sleep, ate well and took time to do nothing at all.

11~24~2007

Reposting, recycling, remembering...

Sometimes I meet people and literally can't wait to quit their company and other times people come along and we just meld into each other's lives smoothly, seamlessly. It's near impossible to put it into words...I tried and came up with this...

It's as if there are people-shaped holes in my life. Some people slip right into the hole that is shaped exactly like them. It's effortless. It was waiting just for them. Others float around and maybe slip an arm or leg into the wrong hole and then one day settle into their right hole. Another might try and try and float away...only to return and realize that their hole was the next one that they would have tried the last time. Other times no matter how much time and effort you put into trying to find the hole or how many angles you try each one in, there comes a time to realize that there simply is no hole shaped like that person. It might be worth a try to make them their own hole but usually the reason they have no preexisting hole becomes apparent and it's okay for them to float away. There are even times when people leave their perfectly shaped holes in my life...but they leave them full of memories that endure.

Each person has extreme value, even the ones who go away.

But this is about the ones who don't. This is about the one who fit right into the hole whose outline confused me with that mass of curls. This is about the one that confused me with her teeny-ness. This is about the child-sized ones and the kids who recognize our soul-bond and skip into their holes. This is about the holes that filled this past couple of years as I pulled my walls down brick by brick so that people could wander in. This is about newness and togetherness and support and FAMILY in a way that doesn't require DNA.

This is about an 8 year-old knowing exactly what language to speak so that my heart would hear and a traveler willing risk traffic to share a cup of coffee. This is about a new unexpected connection at a precarious holiday celebration. This is a little about crying and a lot about who hears. This is about what happens when you decide that alone is okay but lonely is not. This is about who gravitates your direction when you make that decision. About who is there.

Welcome to your you-shaped hole in my life. Thank you for finding it. I love you.

In the time that has passed since writing this, that 8 year old has grown into a lovely young lady who just recently blew me away with her ability to continue to speak from her soul...even more eloquently now. There have been periods of drifting between an essential lovely in my life followed by a much needed reunion. A love has left and the him shaped hole appears to have been a mirage. You have arrived, and I fell in love with you in the first moment I met you. I'm so happy to see you settle in for forever.

There have been so many changes, constants and chaotic melees in the past 3ish years. I've installed floor lights between those people shaped holes...for dancing.

Kick off your shoes. Take my hand. Let's boogie.

All the beauty a day off can hold...

♥Swedish middle school vampire angst with a witch by my side.

♥Sex in the City Season 3 from beginning to end, wintertini in hand.

♥going to bed in the same jammies I woke up in...yessssss!

Monday in all it's beauty...

♥morning ritual has taken on new sweetness...senior year for my babygirl...how many more mornings sharing eyeshadow will there actually be?

♥working with a new kindred spirit who is sassy and smart and silly too...good times.

♥coming home, still a touch of autumn in the air that screams out "football season!" which to me means high school football games wrapped in fuzzy blankets yelling and screaming my voice away every Fri night.

Just a peek...

at the crazy here...

Hummingbirds can flap their wings 80-200 times PER SECOND and can go 60 mph. My chickens only flap when they want attention and only went 60 mph when they were in the carrier in the car. Someone needs to tell them they aren't hummingbirds... but I'm not gonna do it.



Remember Sesame Street ♪ ♫ Three of these things belong together, one of these things do not ♫ ♪



Then we have evil cat watching the whole identity crisis going on outside and thinking "I shall rend your wings from your body, devour your heart and eyes and sleep well having rid the world of such vile creatures."

Really, I know this to be true. She's SO predictable. Sigh.

All about the outdoors

Where I've been...




What I've been doing...





Who I've been doing it with...







...and if pictures say a thousand words, my work here is done.

Today, I...

woke up early, and sloooowwwwly.

visited with the hens.

watered the garden.

cuddled with our rental dog.

got a shock.

called law enforcement.

cried for my babygirl.

cried with my babygirl.

was blown away {in a good way} by her daddy.

let go of the reins.

asked for what I needed and let it go.

assembled and hung a ceiling fan.

napped in a recliner.

made three squares for my momma.

was petty with a person who deserved it...and still kicked myself for it.

drank home-made mead.

took a dusk adventure walk by the river, camera in hand.

let love surround me.

let my love surround.

was kind in the face of foolishness.

spoke my truth.

watched Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy!

wrote a couple of lists.

loved.

sighed.

wrote.

...off to bed soon...

Three beauty~full things:

♥plum eyeliner.

♥yummy fresh spring rolls in rice paper wrappers.

♥lovelies, far flung and diverse and wonder~full and amazing.

Ick, reversed.

Yesterday, I...

¿had a collision while driving, my mustang vs. bike rider on meth (HE hit ME and begged me to not call the cops, between threats of throwing his bike at me and calling ME a crazy bitch).

¿lost two hens to a chicken hawk and have one remaining, very traumatized, hen left.

¿was bitten by a little dog, hard...on the arm for trying to stop her fight with the other little dog.

BUT! I also...

♥got to see my lovely...my mermaid soul sister...catch up & smile.

♥was bestowed generous gifts that I then paid forward.

♥sat and created for hours...know what all my peeps are getting for Christmas this year! ;)