I occasionally fall into a trap. The comparison trap. I'm on track toward a goal...any goal...and someone I'm connected to is on the same track. Maybe steps beyond me or steps behind. Maybe we vacillate. At times I feel like a coach and other times I feel like a slacker. Ouch. Sometimes I feel like a failure and the self recrimination becomes a demon that haunts my every decision. Comparison is so counterproductive. Even when I'm in the steps beyond camp, I struggle with feelings of superiority...knowing on a gut level that "sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind...the race is long, and in the end it's only with yourself" (Mary Schmich, Chicago Tribune, 1997) and that superiority merely causes breaks in connection which is the exact opposite of how I want to live this life.
So I regroup. Right now, in one goal, I am behind where I wish I was. I am beyond where I thought I would be. In comparison to those on my same journey, I struggle with judging their methods and goals. Judging...along with superiority become comparison's evil henchmen.
Here's where I am today. I woke up and it was foggy. ~sigh~ I love fog. I put on appropriate clothing and walked a couple of miles in the fog. Soaking it in, being fully present and insulated. Being held gently by one of the earth's amazing water tricks. I met my own methods and goals in that naturally meditative space. My goals don't tend to have numbers or letters or any measurable outcome. My goals are 100% totally and completely about feeling.
Succulent, Awed, Magical, Magnetic, Deeply Connected. Every day in every way.
Fitness? Succulent in my clothes, deeply connected to my body...not a body I happen to have but one I inhabit in a deeply connected feeling way. That requires hydration, restful sleep, meditation, pure nourishment and movement...pushing, pulling, lifting, running, dancing, skipping, walking. It requires I push my body in ways that allow me to feel it not only as I'm doing it but days after. I'm not about a number on a scale, a number on a tag or inches on a tape. I'm about being in this body passionately.
My career? Awed by my fellow humans. Magical to those who come to me for perspective and healing. Magnetic to those who crave my natural gifts. Deeply connected to a commitment to my fellow beings in all of their forms.
My world? Awed. Aware of my magical deep connection to all of our planet and mother nature's natural gifts.
My people? All of it. Succulent, I want to nourish them. Awed...I want to be soulfully nourished BY them. Magical...I want to practice being present in ways that transcend the obvious reality. Magnetic...I want to only be in the presence of those with whom the attraction is mutual and learn to let the others find their own other pole. Deeply connected...I want to wind my roots around and share those vital nutrients with others, becoming stronger naturally through this process...no more superficiality or avoidance.
My goals are mine. They are not superior or inferior to any other person's. There is no universal yardstick and I am truly never ahead or behind any other person. The race I am in with myself is not only long, it is infinite. The only possible measurement is how committed I remained on any given day to staying true to those feelings.
Today has infinite possibilities and I am grateful to the fog for the space to remember these things.
Showing posts with label #DesireMap. Show all posts
Showing posts with label #DesireMap. Show all posts
Friday, October 24, 2014
Monday, September 15, 2014
Sweet relief
Things changed in my world in February. A change I could roll with, a change that loyalty required I grin and bear. A change that would necessitate the development of the mantra "help for so many, you can do this." I have lived it fully...with all of the challenges and triumphs that were part of the journey.
I finally understand people who leave their 9-5 six figure a year job to work at Starbucks.
The things I have learned in the past few months are this:
First: just because you're good or great at something does not mean that you should do it and do it and do it...especially exclusively. Imagine this concept in regard to a muscle. If you knew that your biceps were your best muscle and you directed all of your attention to them, you would end up with huge beautifully defined biceps on a body that doesn't match. Other muscles would wither and atrophy. Some would compensate but compensating is so far from the equal attention they deserve and, quite frankly, require to create a healthy and balanced human being.
Second: if your integrity does not line up with how you're being asked to do something, the cost is too high. You pay for this in pieces of your self-worth. On a soul level, when this happens, destructive compensation measures kick in. Your you-ness erodes and you hardly recognize the person behind the behaviors, habits, thoughts and fears.
Third: you are the only one responsible for understanding and supporting all of this. I'm a big fan of "ask for what you need" but I also follow that with "be okay with no as an answer" and when that answer is no, allow yourself to respond authentically. Knowing how, when and where to seek a beginning of an end is crucial. Doing so with grace is a must...and a gift.
So...change is rolling in like a fog or a marine layer...but when it lifts or dissipates, everything will be in sharp relief again. Relief AND relief. ~sigh~
Succulent? Magical? Magnetic? Awed? Deeply connected? Oh, yes.
I finally understand people who leave their 9-5 six figure a year job to work at Starbucks.
The things I have learned in the past few months are this:
First: just because you're good or great at something does not mean that you should do it and do it and do it...especially exclusively. Imagine this concept in regard to a muscle. If you knew that your biceps were your best muscle and you directed all of your attention to them, you would end up with huge beautifully defined biceps on a body that doesn't match. Other muscles would wither and atrophy. Some would compensate but compensating is so far from the equal attention they deserve and, quite frankly, require to create a healthy and balanced human being.
Second: if your integrity does not line up with how you're being asked to do something, the cost is too high. You pay for this in pieces of your self-worth. On a soul level, when this happens, destructive compensation measures kick in. Your you-ness erodes and you hardly recognize the person behind the behaviors, habits, thoughts and fears.
Third: you are the only one responsible for understanding and supporting all of this. I'm a big fan of "ask for what you need" but I also follow that with "be okay with no as an answer" and when that answer is no, allow yourself to respond authentically. Knowing how, when and where to seek a beginning of an end is crucial. Doing so with grace is a must...and a gift.
So...change is rolling in like a fog or a marine layer...but when it lifts or dissipates, everything will be in sharp relief again. Relief AND relief. ~sigh~
Succulent? Magical? Magnetic? Awed? Deeply connected? Oh, yes.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Apocylapse. Now.
She's at it again...this bodacious badass with the questions that rock and roll and lullaby and break everything wide Wide WIDE open.
"How do you feel about destroying what must be destroyed in your life? You know — right this very minute — what’s not working in your life. You don’t have to think about it for too long. The question is: How do you feel about destroying what must be destroyed in your life? "
Not a second had to pass for me to know from a place way deep inside. The knowing was like fireworks in a night sky complete with that burning celebratory smell that speaks of independence, confidence and connection to the universal yes.
I know what's not working, what's holding me still and holding me back. What I hold onto consciously because I want to be held here, where it's safe and easy...and what I allow to hold me because letting go means certain dreams fade, wither and die...even, no...especially those dreams whose dying is long overdue.
The question divides into two for me right here. It turns into How do I feel about destroying what must be destroyed in my life and Am I willing to experience that feeling by taking action?
Imagining, I feel frightened and empowered simultaneously...full of jittery, excited energy that tells me that I'm doing something GREAT that will leave me changed in ways that I've been hungering for. It feels like letting go of a balloon holding me up and an anchor holding me down...like the time to fly, float or sink in the direction of my own choosing has come to pass. It feels terrifyingly liberating. It feels like melancholy-tinged badassery as certain hopes, dreams and beliefs are tied to that balloon and other fears, obligations and dogmas to that anchor.
Taking action will mean I will encounter misunderstanding, assumptions, blame and shame. I will be misunderstood and I will hurt someone's feelings without a doubt. I will change. Things will change. Relationships will change. Some people will withdraw their love, others will come closer. I will grieve the loss of people and the possible future I thought was a foregone conclusion. I will set free the part of me that stayed small to hold on when holding on was no longer serving me or you or that or them.
What's amazing is that just the question...entertaining the possible answers starts something wonder~full.
I'm not the same person I was before I started this post.
Destruction doesn't have to be brilliant and devastating. It can be a quiet destruction that happens in a heart when the heart is ready. It can be a letting go that is not a dramatic, in-your-face firey explosion of burning journals, quitting a job, breaking up with a lover or telling off of someone who has had it coming for way too long. It can be a balloon that quietly floats away until it can no longer be seen or an anchor that stays in the darkness of the depths with its broken chain coiled around itself.
The answers is: Yes, I am ready and chances are it's already happening.
"How do you feel about destroying what must be destroyed in your life? You know — right this very minute — what’s not working in your life. You don’t have to think about it for too long. The question is: How do you feel about destroying what must be destroyed in your life? "
Not a second had to pass for me to know from a place way deep inside. The knowing was like fireworks in a night sky complete with that burning celebratory smell that speaks of independence, confidence and connection to the universal yes.
I know what's not working, what's holding me still and holding me back. What I hold onto consciously because I want to be held here, where it's safe and easy...and what I allow to hold me because letting go means certain dreams fade, wither and die...even, no...especially those dreams whose dying is long overdue.
The question divides into two for me right here. It turns into How do I feel about destroying what must be destroyed in my life and Am I willing to experience that feeling by taking action?
Imagining, I feel frightened and empowered simultaneously...full of jittery, excited energy that tells me that I'm doing something GREAT that will leave me changed in ways that I've been hungering for. It feels like letting go of a balloon holding me up and an anchor holding me down...like the time to fly, float or sink in the direction of my own choosing has come to pass. It feels terrifyingly liberating. It feels like melancholy-tinged badassery as certain hopes, dreams and beliefs are tied to that balloon and other fears, obligations and dogmas to that anchor.
Taking action will mean I will encounter misunderstanding, assumptions, blame and shame. I will be misunderstood and I will hurt someone's feelings without a doubt. I will change. Things will change. Relationships will change. Some people will withdraw their love, others will come closer. I will grieve the loss of people and the possible future I thought was a foregone conclusion. I will set free the part of me that stayed small to hold on when holding on was no longer serving me or you or that or them.
What's amazing is that just the question...entertaining the possible answers starts something wonder~full.
I'm not the same person I was before I started this post.
Destruction doesn't have to be brilliant and devastating. It can be a quiet destruction that happens in a heart when the heart is ready. It can be a letting go that is not a dramatic, in-your-face firey explosion of burning journals, quitting a job, breaking up with a lover or telling off of someone who has had it coming for way too long. It can be a balloon that quietly floats away until it can no longer be seen or an anchor that stays in the darkness of the depths with its broken chain coiled around itself.
The answers is: Yes, I am ready and chances are it's already happening.
Monday, July 1, 2013
Finding my rhythm
My core desired feelings are making me fall completely totally in love with my life and all those who touch it. That's you, reading this. Yes, you.
I'm getting better at this business of running my thoughts and actions through the filter of "how does this make me feel?" Does this make me feel: Succulent? Magnetic? Magical? Awestruck? Entrenched?
The answer is almost always yes. I'm not quite sure if it's that I lead an unbelievably amazing life or if it's that the eternal Pollyanna in me can find or create succulence, magnetism, magic and be completely caught up with being awestruck and enthusiastically connected in solidarity through a vivid kaleidoscope of communion with every person as a soul friend in this wild daily adventure (my definition of entrenched). Either way, HELL. YES!
So, I've found myself all over the place this past week...in places both mentally, emotionally and physically where maybe those core desired feelings aren't commonplace. Most strikingly, there was some fear and anger. Vulnerability. Procrastination. Good old fashioned dirt.
Breathing into the fear, I realized that it only comes from having such amazingness in my life that any threat against it is frightening. Succulent. Awestruck. Entrenched.
Pressing into the anger, I knew that the other person's actions were only because I am succulent. Magnetic. Magical. And by that definition above? Entrenched, for sure. That left me awestruck.
Standing, crying tears of joy in a hallway full of people who depend on me to hold it together. Crying from the deepest most tender part of my soul and feeling my vulnerability pull those around me closer. Entrenched. Magnetic.
Curled up on my momma's couch reading a book with twenty other things comfortably simmering unattended on the back burner. Self care, self love. Succulent.
Sweaty, hair stuck to my forehead and filthy hands...but smiling and sunkissed because I wasn't only feeling Succulent and Magical...I was BEING both. Resulting in magnetic.
~sigh~
Awestruck. All the time.
I'm getting better at this business of running my thoughts and actions through the filter of "how does this make me feel?" Does this make me feel: Succulent? Magnetic? Magical? Awestruck? Entrenched?
The answer is almost always yes. I'm not quite sure if it's that I lead an unbelievably amazing life or if it's that the eternal Pollyanna in me can find or create succulence, magnetism, magic and be completely caught up with being awestruck and enthusiastically connected in solidarity through a vivid kaleidoscope of communion with every person as a soul friend in this wild daily adventure (my definition of entrenched). Either way, HELL. YES!
So, I've found myself all over the place this past week...in places both mentally, emotionally and physically where maybe those core desired feelings aren't commonplace. Most strikingly, there was some fear and anger. Vulnerability. Procrastination. Good old fashioned dirt.
Breathing into the fear, I realized that it only comes from having such amazingness in my life that any threat against it is frightening. Succulent. Awestruck. Entrenched.
Pressing into the anger, I knew that the other person's actions were only because I am succulent. Magnetic. Magical. And by that definition above? Entrenched, for sure. That left me awestruck.
Standing, crying tears of joy in a hallway full of people who depend on me to hold it together. Crying from the deepest most tender part of my soul and feeling my vulnerability pull those around me closer. Entrenched. Magnetic.
Curled up on my momma's couch reading a book with twenty other things comfortably simmering unattended on the back burner. Self care, self love. Succulent.
Sweaty, hair stuck to my forehead and filthy hands...but smiling and sunkissed because I wasn't only feeling Succulent and Magical...I was BEING both. Resulting in magnetic.
~sigh~
Awestruck. All the time.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Mapping my Desire
Danielle LaPorte and I have a long history. Over the course of years and years, she has been accompanying me on a soul journey... motivating, leading, lightheartedly encouraging and making it seem not only possible but absolutely inevitable that I would find my way to my inner amazing. We've never met.
She introduced me to my own White Hot Truth slowly and persistently by enticing me back to her space with stories and soul poetry and goosebumpy truths over and over again. When she chose to walk through her own fire into her own name, her own bedrock, she led by example to not only claim that core identity but to accept even that as fluid...and call the fluidity a superpower. It is.
I was drawn to flesh out her burning questions with my own blazing reality, taking me from invincible at times to totally totalled as well. I learned what I trust. It was in there, it was part of me. But getting it out and making it part of my world instead of just inside of me breathed life into these things I trust. They morphed. They morph. Trust changes, that was the most enlightening bitter pill I've ever swallowed. My mantra was born out of that...a mantra that led my life to peace, connection, fulfillment and ethereal joy that bubbles up from the very core of my being. Then she asked me how I want to feel. I knew. There wasn't a glimmer of hesitation. I wanted to feel more. I purchased the audiobook version of The Firestarter Sessions. She whispered her secrets like a best friend convincing me of my juicy~ness in stereo through my car speakers. I wanted to fill my car with people...people I knew and people I wanted to know and people I didn't know...and, and, and! I wanted them to hear and I wanted to make that eye contact that says "right?" with incredulity and recognition behind it.
It was rockin along. Then there was the Maximum Mayhem Moment, the one that changed everything. Adrift, confused, terrified and displaced...all I carried with me were the beings I adored and an exhausting determination to believe that things would get better. Somehow. Destitute and displaced but with an over abundance of time on my hands, I created a buoy. I spent some days with Danielle LaPorte and others with Marie Forleo, Chris Guillebeau, Tanya Geisler, Lissa Rankin and Kate Northrup. I created a team of coaches to pull me from the pit of despair. I read every word I could find and marinated in them. I watched their videos and downloaded their freebies. I subscribed. I meditated and visualized. I made vision boards and sticky notes and lists. I journaled and I sang and I walked with eyes wide open through parks filled with gnarled and wise oak trees and endless expanses of sand at the ocean's edge. I read poetry. I wrote poetry. The pit of despair faded into appreciation for life, even its despair.
Then there was this:
And on her birthday, like the glorious grounded gracious rock star that she is, she offered it up at a "pay what you can" rate. I paid what I could...and now? Now, I'm desire mapping. For a couple of weeks now, my attempts to begin have fallen flat, I haven't even opened the book.
Last night, unexpectedly alone on a good hair day with uncharacteristically amazing open window weather and fueled by butterflies after a soul to soul reconnection, I lit some nag champa and brewed my favorite "get zen" tea: Saffron Chamomile Spearmint with vanilla stevia in my favorite mug from a coastal trip with my lovely. I turned Pandora on to The Pierces radio. I laid out my softest blanket and spread my tools around me: book. workbook. colored pens. highlighters. the black gel pen that makes my handwriting look like ancient wisdom. laughing buddha. my tiny frog prince. rose quartz charged by my favorite witch. lip balm. A McCabe rock that says "breathe". I called my dog to lay nearby so I could bounce ideas off of him. He's intuitive.
I opened the workbook and the first page has an entry titled "Make it sacred" and states: "Let this process be important and sacred for you-because it is. You're a grown-up, do this in whatever ways feel inspiring. You know how you learn best and what you need to hear yourself think. Crank some rock or rock opera if that's what alters your state. Light a honey beeswax candle. Find a park bench, get a sitter, say a prayer. Do what you need to do to create a container that will allow you to unfold our truth."
I was right where I was supposed to be.
If you believe my dog, I did great work. If you believe me, I rocked the damn socks off of that workbook and I'm only halfway through.
My core desired feeling list is too long but I decided that it's as long as it needs to be right now. It needs some time and space and reason to evolve. Right now? It takes my breath away and I'm in a constant state of butterflies.
My Core Desired Feelings:
Connected
Solidarity
Appreciative
Camaradarie...these may evolve into In Communion
Unfettered
Simple
Peaceful
Light...these seem to be saying Ethereal
Enthusiastic
Awed
Fierce
Adventurous
Curious
Magical
Contagious
Playful...maybe all of these are Magnetic
Now, for action...this day isn't gonna know what hit it!
~A week later, these words evolved into: Succulent. Magnetic. Entrenched. Awed. (with entrenched meaning: enthusiastically connected in solidarity and communion, seeing every person as a camarade together in this wild adventure we share.)~
She introduced me to my own White Hot Truth slowly and persistently by enticing me back to her space with stories and soul poetry and goosebumpy truths over and over again. When she chose to walk through her own fire into her own name, her own bedrock, she led by example to not only claim that core identity but to accept even that as fluid...and call the fluidity a superpower. It is.
I was drawn to flesh out her burning questions with my own blazing reality, taking me from invincible at times to totally totalled as well. I learned what I trust. It was in there, it was part of me. But getting it out and making it part of my world instead of just inside of me breathed life into these things I trust. They morphed. They morph. Trust changes, that was the most enlightening bitter pill I've ever swallowed. My mantra was born out of that...a mantra that led my life to peace, connection, fulfillment and ethereal joy that bubbles up from the very core of my being. Then she asked me how I want to feel. I knew. There wasn't a glimmer of hesitation. I wanted to feel more. I purchased the audiobook version of The Firestarter Sessions. She whispered her secrets like a best friend convincing me of my juicy~ness in stereo through my car speakers. I wanted to fill my car with people...people I knew and people I wanted to know and people I didn't know...and, and, and! I wanted them to hear and I wanted to make that eye contact that says "right?" with incredulity and recognition behind it.
It was rockin along. Then there was the Maximum Mayhem Moment, the one that changed everything. Adrift, confused, terrified and displaced...all I carried with me were the beings I adored and an exhausting determination to believe that things would get better. Somehow. Destitute and displaced but with an over abundance of time on my hands, I created a buoy. I spent some days with Danielle LaPorte and others with Marie Forleo, Chris Guillebeau, Tanya Geisler, Lissa Rankin and Kate Northrup. I created a team of coaches to pull me from the pit of despair. I read every word I could find and marinated in them. I watched their videos and downloaded their freebies. I subscribed. I meditated and visualized. I made vision boards and sticky notes and lists. I journaled and I sang and I walked with eyes wide open through parks filled with gnarled and wise oak trees and endless expanses of sand at the ocean's edge. I read poetry. I wrote poetry. The pit of despair faded into appreciation for life, even its despair.
Then there was this:
And on her birthday, like the glorious grounded gracious rock star that she is, she offered it up at a "pay what you can" rate. I paid what I could...and now? Now, I'm desire mapping. For a couple of weeks now, my attempts to begin have fallen flat, I haven't even opened the book.
Last night, unexpectedly alone on a good hair day with uncharacteristically amazing open window weather and fueled by butterflies after a soul to soul reconnection, I lit some nag champa and brewed my favorite "get zen" tea: Saffron Chamomile Spearmint with vanilla stevia in my favorite mug from a coastal trip with my lovely. I turned Pandora on to The Pierces radio. I laid out my softest blanket and spread my tools around me: book. workbook. colored pens. highlighters. the black gel pen that makes my handwriting look like ancient wisdom. laughing buddha. my tiny frog prince. rose quartz charged by my favorite witch. lip balm. A McCabe rock that says "breathe". I called my dog to lay nearby so I could bounce ideas off of him. He's intuitive.
I opened the workbook and the first page has an entry titled "Make it sacred" and states: "Let this process be important and sacred for you-because it is. You're a grown-up, do this in whatever ways feel inspiring. You know how you learn best and what you need to hear yourself think. Crank some rock or rock opera if that's what alters your state. Light a honey beeswax candle. Find a park bench, get a sitter, say a prayer. Do what you need to do to create a container that will allow you to unfold our truth."
I was right where I was supposed to be.
If you believe my dog, I did great work. If you believe me, I rocked the damn socks off of that workbook and I'm only halfway through.
My core desired feeling list is too long but I decided that it's as long as it needs to be right now. It needs some time and space and reason to evolve. Right now? It takes my breath away and I'm in a constant state of butterflies.
My Core Desired Feelings:
Connected
Solidarity
Appreciative
Camaradarie...these may evolve into In Communion
Unfettered
Simple
Peaceful
Light...these seem to be saying Ethereal
Enthusiastic
Awed
Fierce
Adventurous
Curious
Magical
Contagious
Playful...maybe all of these are Magnetic
Now, for action...this day isn't gonna know what hit it!
~A week later, these words evolved into: Succulent. Magnetic. Entrenched. Awed. (with entrenched meaning: enthusiastically connected in solidarity and communion, seeing every person as a camarade together in this wild adventure we share.)~
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