Just Breathe...

I occasionally fall into a trap. The comparison trap. I'm on track toward a goal...any goal...and someone I'm connected to is on the same track. Maybe steps beyond me or steps behind. Maybe we vacillate. At times I feel like a coach and other times I feel like a slacker. Ouch. Sometimes I feel like a failure and the self recrimination becomes a demon that haunts my every decision. Comparison is so counterproductive. Even when I'm in the steps beyond camp, I struggle with feelings of superiority...knowing on a gut level that "sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind...the race is long, and in the end it's only with yourself" (Mary Schmich, Chicago Tribune, 1997) and that superiority merely causes breaks in connection which is the exact opposite of how I want to live this life.

So I regroup. Right now, in one goal, I am behind where I wish I was. I am beyond where I thought I would be. In comparison to those on my same journey, I struggle with judging their methods and goals. Judging...along with superiority become comparison's evil henchmen.

Here's where I am today. I woke up and it was foggy. ~sigh~ I love fog. I put on appropriate clothing and walked a couple of miles in the fog. Soaking it in, being fully present and insulated. Being held gently by one of the earth's amazing water tricks. I met my own methods and goals in that naturally meditative space. My goals don't tend to have numbers or letters or any measurable outcome. My goals are 100% totally and completely about feeling.

Succulent, Awed, Magical, Magnetic, Deeply Connected. Every day in every way.

Fitness? Succulent in my clothes, deeply connected to my body...not a body I happen to have but one I inhabit in a deeply connected feeling way. That requires hydration, restful sleep, meditation, pure nourishment and movement...pushing, pulling, lifting, running, dancing, skipping, walking. It requires I push my body in ways that allow me to feel it not only as I'm doing it but days after. I'm not about a number on a scale, a number on a tag or inches on a tape. I'm about being in this body passionately.

My career? Awed by my fellow humans. Magical to those who come to me for perspective and healing. Magnetic to those who crave my natural gifts. Deeply connected to a commitment to my fellow beings in all of their forms.

My world? Awed. Aware of my magical deep connection to all of our planet and mother nature's natural gifts.

My people? All of it. Succulent, I want to nourish them. Awed...I want to be soulfully nourished BY them. Magical...I want to practice being present in ways that transcend the obvious reality. Magnetic...I want to only be in the presence of those with whom the attraction is mutual and learn to let the others find their own other pole. Deeply connected...I want to wind my roots around and share those vital nutrients with others, becoming stronger naturally through this process...no more superficiality or avoidance.

My goals are mine. They are not superior or inferior to any other person's. There is no universal yardstick and I am truly never ahead or behind any other person. The race I am in with myself is not only long, it is infinite. The only possible measurement is how committed I remained on any given day to staying true to those feelings.

Today has infinite possibilities and I am grateful to the fog for the space to remember these things.

Birthday Love Letter, Prequel to the Sequel

Last year, when I sat down to write your birthday love letter, it was with love wrapped in regret and a hint of sadness...more selfishness than I can stand to see in black and white.

It's amazing what a year can do.

This year, I wish you adventure. More than your imagination could even begin to believe is possible. I wish you deep connection to those who love you...who remind you of why you do the things you do and help you now as much as in the past to be the man you are. I wish you laughter and brilliance, new discoveries and the shattering of beliefs that no longer serve you. I wish you discomfort...cold toes and an empty belly, overtired Monday mornings, blisters and sore muscles...from being places and doing things that push you to live life right out there to the edge of possibility. I wish you moments of staggering beauty that take your breath away and make you wonder at this life in ways that knock you on your ass. I wish you belly laughs and naps and moments of deafening silence to reflect on all the amazing that surrounds you. I wish you soul freedom in intoxicating quantities.

I love you. I'm so glad you were born.

Just Because...

Sometimes I sit here alone, feeling alone...feeling isolated and sad and sure that I'm the only person feeling this way while everyone I know is somewhere laughing...loving...living out loud. Sometimes. Not often. But lately. Yes, lately.

Then the switch is hit and the feelings pass. It never fails that when I tentatively step into the social circles again, I am blasted with reminders of how connected we all are. Our battles aren't so different. Our perceptions aren't so different. Our needs are so very much NOT different.

And today, this:

What if our religion was each other
If our practice was our life
If our prayer, our words
What if the temple was the Earth
If forests were our church
If holy water - the rivers, lakes and ocean
What if meditation was our relationships
If the teacher was Life
If the wisdom was self knowledge
If love was the centre of our being?

- Ganga White

AMEN!

A Couple More Days of Beauty: ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥!

Thursday: ♥ Got to be the cool Auntie...to help and be there in a way that 2600 miles kept me from accomplishing previously.

Friday: ♥ A short solo road trip...Eminem and TSwift getting me there in a great mood...then crawfish dinner and IKEA shopping before talking with a lovely until my lids wouldn't let me listen anymore.

Saturday: ♥ Shop til we dropped, literally...an old town block of amazing...after picking up my new beach cruiser from a crazy Craigslist ad...cheap!!!

Sunday: ♥The smile on my boy's face was Mother's Day gift enough. A true smile. ♥ A text from my babygirl with a memory that made me smile hugely too! ♥ Spending the entire day with my momma...relaxing. ♥ A peeping then a crack in the shell...a peek at a little beak...gonna be a duckling mother soon!!!

Monday: ♥ A smoothie made by someone other than me in a lovely little place close enough that I can ride my beach cruiser to.

Day Thirteen~ish: Trouvé

So this isn't quite going as I had hoped. Commit to sharing three beauty~full things about every day for thirty days...be more aware of beauty, be more present in life and on this blog. Structure. Routine. Accountability.

Hrmph.

Not so much.

There have been forgotten days, day # 7 happened twice...I've rambled on without identifying what the beauty~full things were on one particular day and today I even forgot the password to gain access to this very space.

But.

One of my lovelies sighed heavily and said "I really meant to do the beauty~full things with you, but..."

And I replied "you've been too busy LIVING your beauty~full things to write about them!"

I think I fell a little bit in love with that. Thank you, my lovely...for leading, loving, living as an example and reminder and celebration of beauty.

Today's beauty:
♥Finding out my gaw-juss Aunt reads my blog.
♥Finding a pair of Free People wedge sandals in my size in my latest favorite color scheme AT A THRIFT STORE FOR $5!!! (psst...same shoes on ebay for $80!!!)
♥Finding out that my first love, my babygirl can't come visit. Beauty~full? What? Oh yes, heart~burstingly beauty~FULL!!! Because she is busy blazing her own trail and creating her beauty~full life.

Day Four and Five of Beauty: Shaking, Silly, Sentimental and Smiles

Fun finds at the antique mall Saturday...

♥ The absolute ridiculousness of shaking salt & pepper from some of these...

strangely sperm shaped shakers...

and on that note...read her belly!


♥ An entire shelf of pirates...

and a glass globe full of...legs?


♥ A reminder of a little girl who lives on in my heart but is grown up and on her own now...


Sunday:

♥Waffles. With peanut butter. Mmmmm...

♥Girl time...talks and giggles and loving support...giving and receiving.

♥Turning in late...wayyyy late for me and finding a gift tucked into my bed...falling asleep with a smile.

Stop! In the name of love...

There's been a tickle...a nudge...sometimes a flighty dance-y freeing feeling and sometimes a hard heaviness dead center spreading to the edges of my heart's consciousness. It's a knowledge, an awareness, a certainty.

I am not responsible for anyone else's happiness.

There, I said it.

Not only is that lovely...unconditionally accepting of everyone everywhere in any state of mind they may be in but it's also scarily unimportant and nowhere near the center of anyone else's universe.

Isn't it amazing, the things we tell ourselves.

So, I will stop.

I will stop trying to think so far ahead...worrying, pushing, molding, scolding, advising, spending energy on trying to create just the right place, situation and experience.

I will stop. I have stopped. Right now.

I will instead simply be. I will dream and create and do what I love...and invite.

I will twirl and be happy. Just me...with plenty of room for anyone with a tutu and a twirl in their heart as well.

The reverse side of the reverse side

I was sitting here...equal parts confused, angry, righteous, buggered and bereft. This recipe bakes up a heaping dish of irritability when given enough time to stew.

This irritability had built up and was now distracting me beyond all measure. The noise. The fuzzy feeling on my teeth. My cold feet. Something sticky under my forearm on the surface of my desk.

I literally threw a temper tantrum...stomped into the kitchen, slammed through the cupboard until I found the windex and a rag. I squirted and wiped the surface of my desk. There. Movement...however small...can alleviate the irritability. Can. Unless the sticky~ness remains. It did. Then I realized it was tape. Who the FUCK stuck tape to the surface of my desk...and WHY??? Of all the...

Irritability factor through the roof.

Then I peeled the tape back. And it went from invisible to slap me in the face visible.



Perspective check. The noise? Kids playing outside. The fuzz on my teeth? Peanut Brittle instead of dinner. The cold feet? A lovely Spring~ish day perfect for open windows and bare feet. The sticky desktop? A reminder of love from the one place I never expected it to come from today and needed the most.

Thank you, perspective...you're always there...just waiting for me to notice you.

There ARE beauty~full things every day...

it just took me almost 4 months to remember to see them. That's approximately 120 days of beauty~less~ness.

I locked this personal, sacred space of mine down as a fear reaction. Four months ago I lost my way. I knew it. I didn't like it. But fixing it meant trying to negotiate my way along an unfamiliar, overgrown path on a moonless night. With snakes. The thing that I forgot is: I am not afraid of snakes. I'm not afraid of being alone. I'm not afraid of moonless nights. I forgot that I'm not afraid, period.

I'm brave. Today I remembered that. It took time and it took patient angels. The result is this. Today I open my heart and I invite you in. I open my personal, sacred space and ask only this: Stay, curl up with me and my words and lets weave something amazing together in this bit of space and time. Have positive intentions. If you feel so inclined, let me know you stopped by. Challenge me if you disagree. Gently move on if this space and your energy are not a match. Get to know me. Smile a secret smile if you already do. Trust me. Keep smiling if that already applies. Smile some more, just for the hell of it.

This is me being brave, and I thank you for reading. For being a patient angel. For smiling.

One beauty~full thing for each of the past four months:

♥ A moment so staggering that it necessitated the spinning of a cocoon...but a cocoon means that some other season sees a butterfly. Wings, baby. Wings.

♥ A move, a moving out and moving on....my baby girl off to college and on to the next stage of her amazing adventure.

♥ A long holiday weekend off work and surrounded by love...followed by a long holiday from worry in the most important area of my life...and all the positive changes that came along with that.

♥ A single cold and wet day perfect for breaking out the tall boots and a long scarf. An umbrella. The heater. Down comforters. One day was enough...for now.

Do one thing every day that thrills you...

Lately, I have...

♥ adopted a surprise new "puppy"...hmmm...all 85 lbs of "puppy" :)

♥ learned a tough truth and lived thru it.

♥ owned my own shit...and my power too.

♥ celebrated 74 years of a love's life...and gotten a double bird behind the back for my efforts. Goodheartedly.

♥ made up some stories.

♥ shopped at the mall...and I hate Hate HATE to shop...but I loved this trip.

♥ gotten a BIG ole bonus for makin things happen.

♥ dug out some new flower beds and weeded the others...getting ready!

♥ gone topless...in the car. ;)

♥ bought wrinkle cream...why not?

♥ almost got caught with my hand in the cookie jar...and questioned my need for cookies.

♥ learned new eye makeup tricks...from Cher.

♥ copied my lovely's cajun lasagna...and rocked it!

♥ took a shower with the hairiest beast ever.

♥ made a new drink: 1 shot each of creme de menthe, godiva liqueur & vanilla vodka, shaken and served in a chocolate swirled martini glass. yummmmm...

♥ bought all 10 seasons of Friends. Yes, I buy my friends.

♥ ate fish & chips...with malt vinegar.

♥ fell in love with a wee little house that has a pair of palm trees and sits on the river bank. sigh.

♥ developed a girl crush on Megg.

♥ started boy child on the right path.

♥ drank an entire bottle of Gewurztraminer, a glass at a time with my mermaid soul sister...laughing and shrieking and telling secrets and truths.

♥ accepted certain inalienable truths...and life got wayyy easier.

♥ thought about you and smiled. Yes, David...you. ;)

♥ got enough sleep, ate well and took time to do nothing at all.

I hate cake. Rainbows are an illusion. I am not crazy.

This is an excerpt from an email I wrote today. I think it adequately defines why I am still single. And the chorus says "Amen."

Me? Insecure? Sure. Observant? Yes. Analytical? Absolutely. But as for the insecure part...we all are to some degree. Even you are. You have reasons to be and so do I. Do I think you owe it to me to fix my insecurities? Nope. But I sure do think you owe it to me to be honest about who you are. I won't like you unless you do...and one thing I know for sure For Sure FOR SURE is that when my instincts are telling me something, I will wreck everything to honor them and not once in my entire life have they ever Ever EVER been wrong. The fucked up part is that by the time caution is thrown to the wind and someone is ready to show me who they really are, they have usually accused me of being insecure or crazy often enough that I stop giving a flying shit about knowing who they are. My instincts are not wrong. Ever.

and the line to date me starts on the left.

11~24~2007

Reposting, recycling, remembering...

Sometimes I meet people and literally can't wait to quit their company and other times people come along and we just meld into each other's lives smoothly, seamlessly. It's near impossible to put it into words...I tried and came up with this...

It's as if there are people-shaped holes in my life. Some people slip right into the hole that is shaped exactly like them. It's effortless. It was waiting just for them. Others float around and maybe slip an arm or leg into the wrong hole and then one day settle into their right hole. Another might try and try and float away...only to return and realize that their hole was the next one that they would have tried the last time. Other times no matter how much time and effort you put into trying to find the hole or how many angles you try each one in, there comes a time to realize that there simply is no hole shaped like that person. It might be worth a try to make them their own hole but usually the reason they have no preexisting hole becomes apparent and it's okay for them to float away. There are even times when people leave their perfectly shaped holes in my life...but they leave them full of memories that endure.

Each person has extreme value, even the ones who go away.

But this is about the ones who don't. This is about the one who fit right into the hole whose outline confused me with that mass of curls. This is about the one that confused me with her teeny-ness. This is about the child-sized ones and the kids who recognize our soul-bond and skip into their holes. This is about the holes that filled this past couple of years as I pulled my walls down brick by brick so that people could wander in. This is about newness and togetherness and support and FAMILY in a way that doesn't require DNA.

This is about an 8 year-old knowing exactly what language to speak so that my heart would hear and a traveler willing risk traffic to share a cup of coffee. This is about a new unexpected connection at a precarious holiday celebration. This is a little about crying and a lot about who hears. This is about what happens when you decide that alone is okay but lonely is not. This is about who gravitates your direction when you make that decision. About who is there.

Welcome to your you-shaped hole in my life. Thank you for finding it. I love you.

In the time that has passed since writing this, that 8 year old has grown into a lovely young lady who just recently blew me away with her ability to continue to speak from her soul...even more eloquently now. There have been periods of drifting between an essential lovely in my life followed by a much needed reunion. A love has left and the him shaped hole appears to have been a mirage. You have arrived, and I fell in love with you in the first moment I met you. I'm so happy to see you settle in for forever.

There have been so many changes, constants and chaotic melees in the past 3ish years. I've installed floor lights between those people shaped holes...for dancing.

Kick off your shoes. Take my hand. Let's boogie.

Getting to where I'm going...

I've been driving...getting to where I'm going one mile, one city, one friend's couch at a time. Lucky to have the loves that I do who help me get my feet under me, back on the ground, facing the right direction and taking even the smallest of steps toward...well toward something, anything. Just moving...moving...moving.

I've been writing...getting to where I'm going one unsent email, unpublished blog, unmailed love letter and unintelligible rant at a time. Lucky to have all of these avenues to express myself...and to be able to write powerfully for me...more than for him or her or them. Writing because the words refuse to go unsaid even if they have to go unsent.

I've been crying...getting to where I'm going ten tears at a time...not single tears...they have been coming in droves lately. Lucky to be able to cry at home, at work, in your arms and in your face and sometimes even in hiding. Crying to cleanse, crying because it's broke and crying because life keeps handing me amazingness that sometimes stays but sometimes has to go. Crying because I can and I do and to hell with whether or not tears are called for.

I've been sleeping...getting to where I'm going one long night, one nap, one drool puddle and snore session at a time. Lucky to have a big fluffy cloud of a bed that feels like a hug. Sleeping to restore, repair, rejuvenate. Sleeping to escape and sleeping to have the lovely blessing of waking to a brand new chance at a lovely new day full of promise and passion. Sleeping next to you, alone or even with my babies curled up next to me.

I've been talking...getting to where I'm going with a million words...all precious, all pertinent and absolutely not all perfect. Lucky to have a voice, an ability to string words together in ways that paint pictures that are impossible to misunderstand...to have courage to speak them and to have ears willing to bend to them. Mostly lucky to have the ability to use my voice and be heard, understood and even sometimes forgiven when the dark and dangerous ones sneak past the guards.

I've been loving...getting to where I'm going one toughly tender tenacious heartbeat at a time. Lucky to have recipient hearts in my life waiting to time their beats with mine...some waiting openly, some waiting tentatively, others waiting avoidantly, many waiting ecstatically. Waiting...waiting...waiting with no pressure or agenda...just knowing that where they are is exactly perfect and where we are is simply serendipitous...that we belong to one another in an instant that may be past present or future but knowing that belonging only takes one heartbeat shared for two hearts to beat in time forever. Belonging is a beauty~full tattoo on your heart that you never regret getting...never ever.

I've been this and I've been that and life has handed me love and challenges and turmoil and at the end of it all great heaping mounds of personal triumph. I know who I am, what I'm made of and above all what my worth is.

The only unanswered question at this moment in time is...in all this "getting to where I'm going"...where exactly is it that I am going? Where are these drives, words, tears, zzz's, heartbeats and laughter taking me? When will I get there?

And the only answer I want is "wait and see."

Times infinity.

Please.

Possibility and Brilliance in twenty~eleven

As 2009 ended,

I labeled 2010 the year of Carpe Diem and Moxie.

I declare success.

In 2010, I…

fell for: TV’s Nancy Botwin, Dexter, Earl and Tara. The internet’s Claudia, Mccabe, Allison, Erin D. and Danielle. Touchable humans Nicole, Rachel B, Tj & tj, my wife’s husband, my minis over and over again, Kat and Z. Weetzie Bat and Witch Baby.

made: curry, chapatti bread, tom kha gai, sangria, a million heart shaped waffles, marinated portabella mushrooms on the grill, veggie drawer cleanout soup in the crock pot, an entire raw meal down to the flax crackers made in the dehydrator, a cake in the shape of Gossamer, fresh spring rolls, s’mores and first kiss martinis.

went to: an Italian Masque, Texas, Monterey, Elverta, Caribou, Berkeley, Six Flags, San Francisco, Wilbur Road, an Outlaws game, the Gallagher’s July Party, my baby momma's wedding, Miami, Cozumel, Grand Cayman, Jamaica and Seattle…finally…Seattle.

saw: Floater, Counting Crows, Augustana, Ma Muse, The Weepies, Dave Matthews Band, Tainted Love while dressed in full on 80’s duds and last but not least Tony Swanson in the living room…best show of all.

tried: special rice crispy treats, gardening (not for special baking), being off work and a caregiver for 30 whole days, 7 months of living vegan then vegetarian then pescatarian then pollo-vegetarian then semi-vegetarian then just fucking eating what I’m comfortable with and to hell with labels, quitting my job but was promoted instead, saving money then spent it all, being more like that guy but decided I like me just fine.

heralded: chickens in a coop, daffodils, sailboatlessness, the 16th as the first of the month and my bday as the beginning of a new year, the rental dog, Devin’s driving permit, energy efficient windows on the house, a great big fridge, Netflix live streaming and babygirl’s senior year of high school.

decided to: change up the rules, push the boundaries, define my integrity, stop at one kiss, give give give and give some more, smile and believe in possibilities.

2009 was brutal and made turning inward so very tempting…to be safe and to avoid the hurt that comes with taking chances. 2010 needed to be all about taking chances…and it was. 2010 was cut the cords to the safety net, pull down the walls, live out loud and trust that the hurt will be worth the eventual loveliness. And it was. Moxie and Carpe Diem, balls-to-the-wall laughter, adventure and smiles that went on for days on end. It was about chances…some that paid off and some that fell flat with a resounding thud that echoed and seriously made me giggle. Failure was redefined in 2010.

2011, your name is Possibility and your middle name is Brilliance. You are going to be all about newness and solutions to any possible obstacle…real or imaginary. You will embody creativity and love and doing and being present. You are going to take what 2010 started and blow it up in Technicolor rays of light that can’t be ignored or suppressed. You are going to change it all, shake it all up and be smug when it settles and I look around with an amazed expression and a sotto voce “yesss…” You will deserve to be smug…and I’m looking forward to chaos and light and love and laughter and learning and challenge and catharsis.

Be brilliant, 2011…blind me.

I can hardly wait.

Three beauty~full quotes +1...about family...

♥The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof. ~Richard Bach

♥We must take care of our families, wherever we find them. ~Elizabeth Gilbert

♥The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together. ~Erma Bombeck

♥ ♥ ♥ On a few occasions in life, I have fallen into family that I was not born into and have been blessed beyond measure by this...changed and lifted and oh so grateful. ~me ♥ ♥ ♥

Thursday's Three Beauty~full things...

♥A day of being different...different shoes, different walk, different role and different talk. I like it.

♥Waiting, watching, tracking...then the texts about the screaming...and a smile I couldn't shake and is still on my face.

♥Bargaining. 11 o'clock. 2? ELEVEN. 1? Midnight. 12:30? 12:30 and you come home for a hug first. A hug full of giggles and inside jokes and trust.

Monday in all it's beauty...

♥morning ritual has taken on new sweetness...senior year for my babygirl...how many more mornings sharing eyeshadow will there actually be?

♥working with a new kindred spirit who is sassy and smart and silly too...good times.

♥coming home, still a touch of autumn in the air that screams out "football season!" which to me means high school football games wrapped in fuzzy blankets yelling and screaming my voice away every Fri night.

All about the outdoors

Where I've been...




What I've been doing...





Who I've been doing it with...







...and if pictures say a thousand words, my work here is done.

Beginning, BLOG and beauty~full

♥Iced tea with frozen wedges of grapefruit, blood orange, lime and lemon instead of coffee this morning.

♥Clues...51 across: 4 letter word for online diary. Seriously!!!

♥A three hour road trio that started out with irritation but was defused by a 17 year old's mix CD and love...lots and lots of love.

The post where I get to say "horny"

♥being ever closer to finishing that nemesis of a floor that I started at mom's.

♥quick, in-n-out shopping that was surprisingly fruitful!

♥a mom-daughter date...Mongolian BBQ and immortals fighting...oh, and abs. Sigh, the abs.



Yes. I am VERY in touch with my inner angsty horny teenager.