A Couple More Days of Beauty: ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥!

Thursday: ♥ Got to be the cool Auntie...to help and be there in a way that 2600 miles kept me from accomplishing previously.

Friday: ♥ A short solo road trip...Eminem and TSwift getting me there in a great mood...then crawfish dinner and IKEA shopping before talking with a lovely until my lids wouldn't let me listen anymore.

Saturday: ♥ Shop til we dropped, literally...an old town block of amazing...after picking up my new beach cruiser from a crazy Craigslist ad...cheap!!!

Sunday: ♥The smile on my boy's face was Mother's Day gift enough. A true smile. ♥ A text from my babygirl with a memory that made me smile hugely too! ♥ Spending the entire day with my momma...relaxing. ♥ A peeping then a crack in the shell...a peek at a little beak...gonna be a duckling mother soon!!!

Monday: ♥ A smoothie made by someone other than me in a lovely little place close enough that I can ride my beach cruiser to.

Day Thirteen~ish: Trouvé

So this isn't quite going as I had hoped. Commit to sharing three beauty~full things about every day for thirty days...be more aware of beauty, be more present in life and on this blog. Structure. Routine. Accountability.

Hrmph.

Not so much.

There have been forgotten days, day # 7 happened twice...I've rambled on without identifying what the beauty~full things were on one particular day and today I even forgot the password to gain access to this very space.

But.

One of my lovelies sighed heavily and said "I really meant to do the beauty~full things with you, but..."

And I replied "you've been too busy LIVING your beauty~full things to write about them!"

I think I fell a little bit in love with that. Thank you, my lovely...for leading, loving, living as an example and reminder and celebration of beauty.

Today's beauty:
♥Finding out my gaw-juss Aunt reads my blog.
♥Finding a pair of Free People wedge sandals in my size in my latest favorite color scheme AT A THRIFT STORE FOR $5!!! (psst...same shoes on ebay for $80!!!)
♥Finding out that my first love, my babygirl can't come visit. Beauty~full? What? Oh yes, heart~burstingly beauty~FULL!!! Because she is busy blazing her own trail and creating her beauty~full life.

Day Two: Connection, Nature and Nurture

♥The lovely way the mysterious zappy internet and satellites have shrunken the globe to the point where just today I felt akin to a hug from four states, four countries and three continents.

♥The smell of fresh cut grass...it's just clean and fresh and earthy and summery.

♥My amazing boy with his adventurous spirit and brave soul.

The reverse side of the reverse side

I was sitting here...equal parts confused, angry, righteous, buggered and bereft. This recipe bakes up a heaping dish of irritability when given enough time to stew.

This irritability had built up and was now distracting me beyond all measure. The noise. The fuzzy feeling on my teeth. My cold feet. Something sticky under my forearm on the surface of my desk.

I literally threw a temper tantrum...stomped into the kitchen, slammed through the cupboard until I found the windex and a rag. I squirted and wiped the surface of my desk. There. Movement...however small...can alleviate the irritability. Can. Unless the sticky~ness remains. It did. Then I realized it was tape. Who the FUCK stuck tape to the surface of my desk...and WHY??? Of all the...

Irritability factor through the roof.

Then I peeled the tape back. And it went from invisible to slap me in the face visible.



Perspective check. The noise? Kids playing outside. The fuzz on my teeth? Peanut Brittle instead of dinner. The cold feet? A lovely Spring~ish day perfect for open windows and bare feet. The sticky desktop? A reminder of love from the one place I never expected it to come from today and needed the most.

Thank you, perspective...you're always there...just waiting for me to notice you.

My haven, my heaven...

My answers to the inaugural post for The Burning Questions Series!

How do you want it all to feel?

By "all" I have chosen those things in my day that make it real from waking to sleep again.

my bed...a floating feathery nest of dreams and hope and promise and rejuvenation.

my home...a safe, sacred, sweet~smelling oasis of acceptance, laughter, simple love and play.

my kids...energetic optimists equal parts kindness humor and presence...fumbling their way to authenticity with all the wild soul ripping joy and pain that we can possibly handle.

my drive...a river with a steady current of tunes that float me along to a destination I've chosen...with landmarks that remind me that even duty is chosen.

my job...a fairy tale of wand waving and love bombing psychic glitter all day every day.

my body...an instrument to rejoice in.

my friendships...a carved out place in a field of high grass and flowers below a brilliant blue sky or a glittering sky of stars...secluded, intimate, hopeful, earthy and pure.

my love affairs...a slow and sultry bass riff on a brandy soaked sunday.

my evening...a vacation full of limitless conversation, adventures, friends new and old and time to just be.

my conversations...connections of the heart, bonding and reminding and equal parts soul salving and kick in the ass.

my sleep...sound and solid, full of technicolor dreams that serve upon waking to remind of possibility and power.

There ARE beauty~full things every day...

it just took me almost 4 months to remember to see them. That's approximately 120 days of beauty~less~ness.

I locked this personal, sacred space of mine down as a fear reaction. Four months ago I lost my way. I knew it. I didn't like it. But fixing it meant trying to negotiate my way along an unfamiliar, overgrown path on a moonless night. With snakes. The thing that I forgot is: I am not afraid of snakes. I'm not afraid of being alone. I'm not afraid of moonless nights. I forgot that I'm not afraid, period.

I'm brave. Today I remembered that. It took time and it took patient angels. The result is this. Today I open my heart and I invite you in. I open my personal, sacred space and ask only this: Stay, curl up with me and my words and lets weave something amazing together in this bit of space and time. Have positive intentions. If you feel so inclined, let me know you stopped by. Challenge me if you disagree. Gently move on if this space and your energy are not a match. Get to know me. Smile a secret smile if you already do. Trust me. Keep smiling if that already applies. Smile some more, just for the hell of it.

This is me being brave, and I thank you for reading. For being a patient angel. For smiling.

One beauty~full thing for each of the past four months:

♥ A moment so staggering that it necessitated the spinning of a cocoon...but a cocoon means that some other season sees a butterfly. Wings, baby. Wings.

♥ A move, a moving out and moving on....my baby girl off to college and on to the next stage of her amazing adventure.

♥ A long holiday weekend off work and surrounded by love...followed by a long holiday from worry in the most important area of my life...and all the positive changes that came along with that.

♥ A single cold and wet day perfect for breaking out the tall boots and a long scarf. An umbrella. The heater. Down comforters. One day was enough...for now.

Days 18 & 19 of Beauty...Eighteen.

♥one sunflower and eighteen yellow roses for my sunshine as she crosses into adulthood.

♥the old crew, reunited for this one night for this one special day for this one special girl...and marriage proposal for me as well.

♥BBQ, backyard games, too tall burgers and too many kids in my house...sigh...just how I like it.

♥loosening up...facing the fear and the frantic parenting instincts and just letting go...and it being quite allright.

♥the sheer number of times I've heard "no way you have an 18 year old!" Is this when I start introducing her as my sister?

♥choosing love. choosing loving. choosing correctly.

Whoa~What The Hell

♥A good work day that ended early...jump starting the weekend state of mind.

♥The nice kind of quiet...where you know everyone who's not there is exactly where they need to be at that moment.

♥My babygirl is almost 18. She is morphing into her own boss and is confident relying on her own conscience. This requires me to morph into not being as necessary as before. Today I heard a song by a totally uncool female singer but the lyrics made me think of my babygirl and smile. I played it for her and I couldn't gauge her reaction or opinion. That was hours ago. As I sit here now, she's in the middle of her pre-Friday night beautification process and I'm hearing that totally uncool female singer belting out those familiar lyrics...and my babygirl singing along. Sometimes I do some things right...sometimes the connection just happens, just works, just IS. Such a small thing but I'm smiling ear to ear.

This is my life...and it's a good one.

♥Waking up on time, taking my time and planning an entire outfit around my new necklace. Simple and smile provoking.

♥My boy, all legal to drive independently now. My baby boy. Very excited and...no lie...a little nervous.

♥A quiet house, napping and watering the garden and pb&j for dinner...interrupted occasionally by bursts of teenaged energy, stories and laughter.

I've been quiet in this space for a while. There have been court dates and travel, concerts and kisses, meeting new friends and cutting loose of toxic ones, tears and fears and laughter and forgiveness and accusations and understanding, days spent in bed without regret or apology and days upon days of putting one foot in front of the other without intention of anything other than getting one foot further along the path. It's been too much. Too much to write about...sometimes too much to bear. Certainly too much to try to put into words...but the loveliest bit is that apart from and underneath it all, the beauty remains and is once again resurfacing, three little things at a time. It's dependable like that, beauty. ~sigh~

One Mississippi, Two Mississippi, Three Mississippi...

There have been tears and confusion and shouts and angry red moments at home, in the car, at work, in the kitchen, in the parking lot and in front of a judge. Finding beauty has been elusive...but it's there...

♥A phone call from the one person who instinctively knows EXACTLY what to say to make the fears simply dissipate. "It's in the day to day stuff that you're not thinking about that will make her miss and appreciate you." Sigh. "She's angry now but that will settle. You're afraid now and that will settle too." Sigh.

♥My momma who is willing to do scandalous clandestine ops when needed, no questions asked.

♥When male peacocks run across the road at dusk, they look like sea serpents crossing a black river. If the dusk sky is lavender, it looks like sea serpents in a fairy tale if fairy tales had sea serpents.

Note to Self

Deep breathe. In to the count of five, out to the count of ten.

Cry. Hard. Long. Sob and wail. Let it out.

Sleep.

Drink many steaming hot mugs of Chamomile tea...maybe with some fresh mint if possible.

Exercise. Sweat and move.

Wait.

Let the edges soften and fade out of focus.

Trust.

Once the anxiety passes, there will be space. Clear space where all of the answers seem like they were just waiting behind a hazy curtain for you to discover that they where there all along.

When the answers are clear, follow your instincts. Dismiss the fear of being unpopular or ineffective, too early or too late, imperfect or hypocritical.

Dismiss fear.

Let your instincts lead.

And remember...

Don't fight the fights that you can win, fight the fights that NEED FIGHTING.

Now, Tara...go get 'em, girl...and don't stop for anything other than balance, respect and fundamental goodness. It's out there. Really. Trust.

Oh, what a night...

I've been a momma for 919 Mondays, 919 Fridays, 919 Saturdays and 919 Sundays. 918 Tuesdays, 918 Wednesdays and 918 Thursdays. That's 6430 days total and 385800 in minutes. That's almost half of my living days on this planet.

When my babygirl came along, my purpose in life shifted. Immediately...and not subtly. I instantly had a new role, a job to do with no breaks or vacations and guaranteed heartache. There were so many new things to be aware of, alert for and sometimes terrified of. The flip side was that I was born again into a world of wonder...where magic was a part of every day and a single smile could change everything. And I mean EVERYTHING.

I've spent the majority of those 385800 minutes completely enthralled. And I really mean it when I say majority. Ashleigh went through her evil bloodthirsty baby phase and threw a single tantrum when she was two. She snuck boys over the fence when she was 13 and got into a fist fight that same year. Devin wouldn't let me put him down the entire first year of his life and learned way too quickly to be the instigator to his sister's easy to light fuse.

I've always known that I was doing a good job as a mom. I knew that my kids had great inner strength, kindness and integrity...hunger for life, for fun and for stimulation. Even when we've differed so vastly, I knew that we were from the same mold and I could trust them to be right where they were supposed to be. I'm a great advocate for making mistakes. I think that mistakes are life's only true teachers and in the making of them, we learn our boundaries...what our consciences will allow us to do and how we are willing to make other people feel.

I love being a mom more than anything else.

The June before last, I started to lose my footing. Ashleigh started to drive and all of the sudden my role changed without warning. There was new freedom for her to explore and her friends became paramount. She drove her brother wherever he needed to go and they became a tight little unit that I admired and frankly, yearned to be part of still. I would come home from work with a head full of evening plans only to find that there already were plans...and I wasn't part of them. My confidence as a parent stumbled. I grappled with how to ensure the family was nurtured as a whole while respecting their independence and giving them room to grow. This was the time frame when I made the majority of my mistakes as a parent...but I learned from those mistakes and I used them to in turn teach them. We survived. We thrived.

A year later, this past July, we hit stumbling block #2. My kids were lying to me. Consistently. At 17 and 15 1/2 I was completely unprepared and dumbstruck. I could feel every beat of my heart for five of the worst, most painful days of my life. I thought I knew them and here we were...at a complete impasse. On day six I put the power into their hands to stop lying, show me who they really were and promised nothing short of unconditional love in return for nothing less than unconditional truth. There have been times since then that I've been terribly horribly sorry for that deal. I'm sure they have been just as sorry...but I think that it was the greatest lesson of all. I believe that knowing they were accountable for telling me their truth has on more occasion than one helped them to make better choices knowing they would have to speak words about it later. Unconditional love does not mean that my job of nurturing, guiding and advising has stopped. Neither has rewarding or punishing. Sometimes even talking loudly to get my point across. But all the while, they know that in the end, they can count on my love...and I know that I know them.

My role has morphed slowly and surely as the kids grew up and continues to morph as they continue to grow. It has changed from all parent to mostly parent with the other part equally consisting of friend, mentor and confidante. A lovely, lovely mixture that makes me tear up just thinking about it. We don't have to be perfect, we just have to be authentic with one another and always respectful.

Somewhere around November, with my son approaching 16 and a 7 day cruise in our near future, I tried to loosen the role even further. I tried on a 50%/50% role. I let more behaviors go than I had before. I turned a blind eye. I joined in on things that shocked my kids. I felt so lost doing these things...even when they were fun! I felt so adrift from that strong confidence I had as a parent and I tried to wait it out. I tried to push down the discomfort and pretend that this new role was a better fit than it actually was. I was rewarded. I was called cool. I was confided in even more and all of the sudden, the kids wanted to be around me an awful lot more. I had tried to compete with their absolutely cool dad and I had held my own...hung with the big dogs.

I HATED EVERY MOMENT.

I didn't bring these precious little beings into this world to be their buddy during their adolescence. I brought them into this world to love and nurture them, to teach them and to instill love and truth and faith and trust and adventure into them. I brought them into this world to grow and attract their people to them...to create friendships and develop relationships with other people and the world around them. I brought them into the world to go out into it always knowing that they have a momma in their corner, rooting them on and dependable in her values and unconditional love and support.

I sat them down and told them that. One balked. One rejoiced. In the end, they both expressed gratitude, understanding, acceptance and in turn they each showed me in their own unique ways that they get it...they get me...they get us. We are back.

As with all great parenting moments, there is a small tingle of doubt and it's only time that reveals if your tactic and belief were as right on as you thought they were. That day was today. My kids are in big trouble with their dad for an array of offenses. They are confused. They are struggling with why their bff and drinking buddy is punishing them for breaking rules. They are bereft and railing against what feels to them like such injustice and like being stabbed in the back by their best friend.

This isn't about how superior I am or how terrible he is...but it's definitely pertinent information when it comes to what happens next...and it's super important in that it is currently sending me the message that my parenting instincts were right on.

The punishment at my house will match his. I believe in that consistency and I know without a doubt that for the lesson to stick, it has to be lived 24/7 and not wishy washy by some court ordered custody/visitation schedule. But what I believe and know with all of my heart is that my role as MOSTLY parent with the other part equally consisting of friend, mentor and confidante has assured these precious little beings of mine that the punishment is consistent with the crime and it's their momma punishing them, not their best buddy who promised during a mutual drunk to "keep it real."

I've made my mistakes, fessed up to them and fixed things when I've broken them. It's their turn...and I can't wait to see how beauty~full it's going to be. They've got a hell of an example to live up to...and I'm proud to say that the example is me!

Thursday's Three Beauty~full things...

♥A day of being different...different shoes, different walk, different role and different talk. I like it.

♥Waiting, watching, tracking...then the texts about the screaming...and a smile I couldn't shake and is still on my face.

♥Bargaining. 11 o'clock. 2? ELEVEN. 1? Midnight. 12:30? 12:30 and you come home for a hug first. A hug full of giggles and inside jokes and trust.

Monday in all it's beauty...

♥morning ritual has taken on new sweetness...senior year for my babygirl...how many more mornings sharing eyeshadow will there actually be?

♥working with a new kindred spirit who is sassy and smart and silly too...good times.

♥coming home, still a touch of autumn in the air that screams out "football season!" which to me means high school football games wrapped in fuzzy blankets yelling and screaming my voice away every Fri night.

All about the outdoors

Where I've been...




What I've been doing...





Who I've been doing it with...







...and if pictures say a thousand words, my work here is done.

When life hands you lemons...

and you are a parent of teenagers, they will be sure to request that you hand squeeze lemonade regardless of the papercuts all over your fingers.

You may say you do it anyway because you love them, but be sure they are laughing at you in their teenager brains all the while...and they don't even really want lemonade.

~Wisdom by me. I was one, I know.