Things changed in my world in February. A change I could roll with, a change that loyalty required I grin and bear. A change that would necessitate the development of the mantra "help for so many, you can do this." I have lived it fully...with all of the challenges and triumphs that were part of the journey.
I finally understand people who leave their 9-5 six figure a year job to work at Starbucks.
The things I have learned in the past few months are this:
First: just because you're good or great at something does not mean that you should do it and do it and do it...especially exclusively. Imagine this concept in regard to a muscle. If you knew that your biceps were your best muscle and you directed all of your attention to them, you would end up with huge beautifully defined biceps on a body that doesn't match. Other muscles would wither and atrophy. Some would compensate but compensating is so far from the equal attention they deserve and, quite frankly, require to create a healthy and balanced human being.
Second: if your integrity does not line up with how you're being asked to do something, the cost is too high. You pay for this in pieces of your self-worth. On a soul level, when this happens, destructive compensation measures kick in. Your you-ness erodes and you hardly recognize the person behind the behaviors, habits, thoughts and fears.
Third: you are the only one responsible for understanding and supporting all of this. I'm a big fan of "ask for what you need" but I also follow that with "be okay with no as an answer" and when that answer is no, allow yourself to respond authentically. Knowing how, when and where to seek a beginning of an end is crucial. Doing so with grace is a must...and a gift.
So...change is rolling in like a fog or a marine layer...but when it lifts or dissipates, everything will be in sharp relief again. Relief AND relief. ~sigh~
Succulent? Magical? Magnetic? Awed? Deeply connected? Oh, yes.
Showing posts with label growth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label growth. Show all posts
Monday, September 15, 2014
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Apocylapse. Now.
She's at it again...this bodacious badass with the questions that rock and roll and lullaby and break everything wide Wide WIDE open.
"How do you feel about destroying what must be destroyed in your life? You know — right this very minute — what’s not working in your life. You don’t have to think about it for too long. The question is: How do you feel about destroying what must be destroyed in your life? "
Not a second had to pass for me to know from a place way deep inside. The knowing was like fireworks in a night sky complete with that burning celebratory smell that speaks of independence, confidence and connection to the universal yes.
I know what's not working, what's holding me still and holding me back. What I hold onto consciously because I want to be held here, where it's safe and easy...and what I allow to hold me because letting go means certain dreams fade, wither and die...even, no...especially those dreams whose dying is long overdue.
The question divides into two for me right here. It turns into How do I feel about destroying what must be destroyed in my life and Am I willing to experience that feeling by taking action?
Imagining, I feel frightened and empowered simultaneously...full of jittery, excited energy that tells me that I'm doing something GREAT that will leave me changed in ways that I've been hungering for. It feels like letting go of a balloon holding me up and an anchor holding me down...like the time to fly, float or sink in the direction of my own choosing has come to pass. It feels terrifyingly liberating. It feels like melancholy-tinged badassery as certain hopes, dreams and beliefs are tied to that balloon and other fears, obligations and dogmas to that anchor.
Taking action will mean I will encounter misunderstanding, assumptions, blame and shame. I will be misunderstood and I will hurt someone's feelings without a doubt. I will change. Things will change. Relationships will change. Some people will withdraw their love, others will come closer. I will grieve the loss of people and the possible future I thought was a foregone conclusion. I will set free the part of me that stayed small to hold on when holding on was no longer serving me or you or that or them.
What's amazing is that just the question...entertaining the possible answers starts something wonder~full.
I'm not the same person I was before I started this post.
Destruction doesn't have to be brilliant and devastating. It can be a quiet destruction that happens in a heart when the heart is ready. It can be a letting go that is not a dramatic, in-your-face firey explosion of burning journals, quitting a job, breaking up with a lover or telling off of someone who has had it coming for way too long. It can be a balloon that quietly floats away until it can no longer be seen or an anchor that stays in the darkness of the depths with its broken chain coiled around itself.
The answers is: Yes, I am ready and chances are it's already happening.
"How do you feel about destroying what must be destroyed in your life? You know — right this very minute — what’s not working in your life. You don’t have to think about it for too long. The question is: How do you feel about destroying what must be destroyed in your life? "
Not a second had to pass for me to know from a place way deep inside. The knowing was like fireworks in a night sky complete with that burning celebratory smell that speaks of independence, confidence and connection to the universal yes.
I know what's not working, what's holding me still and holding me back. What I hold onto consciously because I want to be held here, where it's safe and easy...and what I allow to hold me because letting go means certain dreams fade, wither and die...even, no...especially those dreams whose dying is long overdue.
The question divides into two for me right here. It turns into How do I feel about destroying what must be destroyed in my life and Am I willing to experience that feeling by taking action?
Imagining, I feel frightened and empowered simultaneously...full of jittery, excited energy that tells me that I'm doing something GREAT that will leave me changed in ways that I've been hungering for. It feels like letting go of a balloon holding me up and an anchor holding me down...like the time to fly, float or sink in the direction of my own choosing has come to pass. It feels terrifyingly liberating. It feels like melancholy-tinged badassery as certain hopes, dreams and beliefs are tied to that balloon and other fears, obligations and dogmas to that anchor.
Taking action will mean I will encounter misunderstanding, assumptions, blame and shame. I will be misunderstood and I will hurt someone's feelings without a doubt. I will change. Things will change. Relationships will change. Some people will withdraw their love, others will come closer. I will grieve the loss of people and the possible future I thought was a foregone conclusion. I will set free the part of me that stayed small to hold on when holding on was no longer serving me or you or that or them.
What's amazing is that just the question...entertaining the possible answers starts something wonder~full.
I'm not the same person I was before I started this post.
Destruction doesn't have to be brilliant and devastating. It can be a quiet destruction that happens in a heart when the heart is ready. It can be a letting go that is not a dramatic, in-your-face firey explosion of burning journals, quitting a job, breaking up with a lover or telling off of someone who has had it coming for way too long. It can be a balloon that quietly floats away until it can no longer be seen or an anchor that stays in the darkness of the depths with its broken chain coiled around itself.
The answers is: Yes, I am ready and chances are it's already happening.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Remembrance Day
***This post was written last year, saved as a draft and forgotten. Two days ago, the scene was eerily repeated almost to the smallest detail. Same checker, elderly man ahead of me in line with is cap identifying him as a Korean war veteran. The difference in the situation this year is that last year's encounter had prepared me to be grateful and expressive. I stood there a person changed by a year of living, learning and listening. ***
Last night, two hours and thirty minutes into overtime at the end of one of my most emotionally draining workdays in a long time, I had one work-related stop to make before I could settle into my evening at home.
I walked into the most inconveniently located market in existence with nothing but thoughts of fuzzy socks,pajamas, my couch, hot tea and the next episode of Life Unexpected that were all waiting at the end of this errand. I approached the check stand with only one person in front of me, a nondescript man of advanced years. I found myself twisting the tie on my dress...a sure sign that I'm impatient and something is about to REALLY get on my nerves.
The checker was Middle Eastern man with a heavy accent that made his tongue trip and tangle over his words. The customer he was speaking to was hard of hearing. They were having trouble communicating and the customer was reaching the end of his patience...worse than me and my twisting. The checker slowed down, but he slowed his actions as well as his words and that did not sit well with the impatience brewing in his line. Aeons later, he was finally making change and handed it to the man in front of me in line. When he placed the last coin in the older man's hand, he used both of his hands to clasp the man's hand in his. He nodded his head toward the older man's hat and said, very very slowly and obviously as clearly as he possibly could, "I will probably not see you tomorrow so I would like to say thank you today for everything you have done to ensure this is a country of freedom and promise and hope." He was smiling and glossy-eyed and held the man's hand for just a beat longer than he spoke.
I couldn't help my curiosity and am pretty ashamed that I didn't have a clue why he was talking about "tomorrow." When the other customer turned to me and I saw his VFW hat with pins and patches I recognized but don't understand, I was doubly ashamed. The checker obviously DID understand...and dismantled every misconception I had up until that moment one feeling, one realization, one bit of awe at a time. He might be Middle Eastern and trip over our language, but he was very obviously twice the American I could ever hope to be.
I celebrate in my heart today every altruistic act of those serving our military, today and yesterday...to protect and ensure the right to freedom, promise and hope for a country full of people who might or might not understand or appreciate...might even protest what they are doing. These men and women are of the utmost integrity...doing what they believe is right despite the actions or beliefs of others...despite the ignorance of a tired, impatient, oblivious girl in a small town at an inconveniently located market needing to be reminded of their sacrifice by a Middle Eastern man who knew better than to take it for granted.
Last night, two hours and thirty minutes into overtime at the end of one of my most emotionally draining workdays in a long time, I had one work-related stop to make before I could settle into my evening at home.
I walked into the most inconveniently located market in existence with nothing but thoughts of fuzzy socks,pajamas, my couch, hot tea and the next episode of Life Unexpected that were all waiting at the end of this errand. I approached the check stand with only one person in front of me, a nondescript man of advanced years. I found myself twisting the tie on my dress...a sure sign that I'm impatient and something is about to REALLY get on my nerves.
The checker was Middle Eastern man with a heavy accent that made his tongue trip and tangle over his words. The customer he was speaking to was hard of hearing. They were having trouble communicating and the customer was reaching the end of his patience...worse than me and my twisting. The checker slowed down, but he slowed his actions as well as his words and that did not sit well with the impatience brewing in his line. Aeons later, he was finally making change and handed it to the man in front of me in line. When he placed the last coin in the older man's hand, he used both of his hands to clasp the man's hand in his. He nodded his head toward the older man's hat and said, very very slowly and obviously as clearly as he possibly could, "I will probably not see you tomorrow so I would like to say thank you today for everything you have done to ensure this is a country of freedom and promise and hope." He was smiling and glossy-eyed and held the man's hand for just a beat longer than he spoke.
I couldn't help my curiosity and am pretty ashamed that I didn't have a clue why he was talking about "tomorrow." When the other customer turned to me and I saw his VFW hat with pins and patches I recognized but don't understand, I was doubly ashamed. The checker obviously DID understand...and dismantled every misconception I had up until that moment one feeling, one realization, one bit of awe at a time. He might be Middle Eastern and trip over our language, but he was very obviously twice the American I could ever hope to be.
I celebrate in my heart today every altruistic act of those serving our military, today and yesterday...to protect and ensure the right to freedom, promise and hope for a country full of people who might or might not understand or appreciate...might even protest what they are doing. These men and women are of the utmost integrity...doing what they believe is right despite the actions or beliefs of others...despite the ignorance of a tired, impatient, oblivious girl in a small town at an inconveniently located market needing to be reminded of their sacrifice by a Middle Eastern man who knew better than to take it for granted.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Day Eight: What I Want...That I Already Have
I vaguely remember Cinco de Mayo last year. I had just returned from a cruise...not just A cruise but AN AMAZING cruise. I literally partied like a rockstar...with actual rockstars. I came home smiling ear to ear, thinking that life still had spontaneity and fun and adventure...and that my impending 40th birthday didn't mean I had to become all grown up all the time.
Then it took over a week to catch up on sleep I lost on that non-stop party, the uncomfortable bed, the flights, the missed flights, another uncomfortable bed and a stilted drive home due to an extremely necessary but totally draining relationship implosion with a fellow traveler.
When I got my bearings, my 40th birthday was just over the next horizon. There is nothing vague about my memory of Dieciséis de Junio last year. I spent hours upon hours in the nurturing presence of a lovely soul...traveling again but this time more centered and balanced. I was surrounded by love, laughter, great food, drink, sauna, art, creativity and quirkiness in the US capital of Quirky.
It is almost a year later. When I came home from that trip, I journaled quite a bit. I knew I wanted more of something...some essence that I couldn't quite capture in lists of "what I want"...and there were many many attempts. That essence was simply more of what I had on those two trips combined.
Spontaneity.
Fun.
Adventure.
Love.
Laughter.
Great Food & Drink.
Creativity.
Quirkiness.
Sprinkle in some thunder storms, daily yoga, getting outdoors. Art...both creating and enjoying. Meditation and quiet. Beach. Squirrels.
It is almost three months since my world crashed. The entire thing. Where I live. Where I work. How I parent. Where I parent from. What I drive. Who I trust. Where I sleep. Where my money comes from. Who I am, basically.
Truly? Right now I have the time and the space and the exact environment that is listed in all of my above "wants."
Danielle LaPorte said it best: Here’s what happens when you find evidence of dreams come true in your current reality (even if it’s a stretch to do so)
: you take the neediness vibe out of your aspirations, and when you’re less desperate you think more clearly and act more calmly
: you muster up gratitude (and gratitude is a form of empowerment)
: you might realize that you’re further along than you’ve been giving yourself credit for (hello confidence!)
It's time to take the neediness vibe out and call on courage, gratitude and confidence.
What a relief...a permission slip to joy.
Then it took over a week to catch up on sleep I lost on that non-stop party, the uncomfortable bed, the flights, the missed flights, another uncomfortable bed and a stilted drive home due to an extremely necessary but totally draining relationship implosion with a fellow traveler.
When I got my bearings, my 40th birthday was just over the next horizon. There is nothing vague about my memory of Dieciséis de Junio last year. I spent hours upon hours in the nurturing presence of a lovely soul...traveling again but this time more centered and balanced. I was surrounded by love, laughter, great food, drink, sauna, art, creativity and quirkiness in the US capital of Quirky.
It is almost a year later. When I came home from that trip, I journaled quite a bit. I knew I wanted more of something...some essence that I couldn't quite capture in lists of "what I want"...and there were many many attempts. That essence was simply more of what I had on those two trips combined.
Spontaneity.
Fun.
Adventure.
Love.
Laughter.
Great Food & Drink.
Creativity.
Quirkiness.
Sprinkle in some thunder storms, daily yoga, getting outdoors. Art...both creating and enjoying. Meditation and quiet. Beach. Squirrels.
It is almost three months since my world crashed. The entire thing. Where I live. Where I work. How I parent. Where I parent from. What I drive. Who I trust. Where I sleep. Where my money comes from. Who I am, basically.
Truly? Right now I have the time and the space and the exact environment that is listed in all of my above "wants."
Danielle LaPorte said it best: Here’s what happens when you find evidence of dreams come true in your current reality (even if it’s a stretch to do so)
: you take the neediness vibe out of your aspirations, and when you’re less desperate you think more clearly and act more calmly
: you muster up gratitude (and gratitude is a form of empowerment)
: you might realize that you’re further along than you’ve been giving yourself credit for (hello confidence!)
It's time to take the neediness vibe out and call on courage, gratitude and confidence.
What a relief...a permission slip to joy.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Stop! In the name of love...
There's been a tickle...a nudge...sometimes a flighty dance-y freeing feeling and sometimes a hard heaviness dead center spreading to the edges of my heart's consciousness. It's a knowledge, an awareness, a certainty.
I am not responsible for anyone else's happiness.
There, I said it.
Not only is that lovely...unconditionally accepting of everyone everywhere in any state of mind they may be in but it's also scarily unimportant and nowhere near the center of anyone else's universe.
Isn't it amazing, the things we tell ourselves.
So, I will stop.
I will stop trying to think so far ahead...worrying, pushing, molding, scolding, advising, spending energy on trying to create just the right place, situation and experience.
I will stop. I have stopped. Right now.
I will instead simply be. I will dream and create and do what I love...and invite.
I will twirl and be happy. Just me...with plenty of room for anyone with a tutu and a twirl in their heart as well.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
The reverse side of the reverse side
I was sitting here...equal parts confused, angry, righteous, buggered and bereft. This recipe bakes up a heaping dish of irritability when given enough time to stew.
This irritability had built up and was now distracting me beyond all measure. The noise. The fuzzy feeling on my teeth. My cold feet. Something sticky under my forearm on the surface of my desk.
I literally threw a temper tantrum...stomped into the kitchen, slammed through the cupboard until I found the windex and a rag. I squirted and wiped the surface of my desk. There. Movement...however small...can alleviate the irritability. Can. Unless the sticky~ness remains. It did. Then I realized it was tape. Who the FUCK stuck tape to the surface of my desk...and WHY??? Of all the...
Irritability factor through the roof.
Then I peeled the tape back. And it went from invisible to slap me in the face visible.
Perspective check. The noise? Kids playing outside. The fuzz on my teeth? Peanut Brittle instead of dinner. The cold feet? A lovely Spring~ish day perfect for open windows and bare feet. The sticky desktop? A reminder of love from the one place I never expected it to come from today and needed the most.
Thank you, perspective...you're always there...just waiting for me to notice you.
This irritability had built up and was now distracting me beyond all measure. The noise. The fuzzy feeling on my teeth. My cold feet. Something sticky under my forearm on the surface of my desk.
I literally threw a temper tantrum...stomped into the kitchen, slammed through the cupboard until I found the windex and a rag. I squirted and wiped the surface of my desk. There. Movement...however small...can alleviate the irritability. Can. Unless the sticky~ness remains. It did. Then I realized it was tape. Who the FUCK stuck tape to the surface of my desk...and WHY??? Of all the...
Irritability factor through the roof.
Then I peeled the tape back. And it went from invisible to slap me in the face visible.
Perspective check. The noise? Kids playing outside. The fuzz on my teeth? Peanut Brittle instead of dinner. The cold feet? A lovely Spring~ish day perfect for open windows and bare feet. The sticky desktop? A reminder of love from the one place I never expected it to come from today and needed the most.
Thank you, perspective...you're always there...just waiting for me to notice you.
Monday, February 6, 2012
My haven, my heaven...
My answers to the inaugural post for The Burning Questions Series!
How do you want it all to feel?
By "all" I have chosen those things in my day that make it real from waking to sleep again.
my bed...a floating feathery nest of dreams and hope and promise and rejuvenation.
my home...a safe, sacred, sweet~smelling oasis of acceptance, laughter, simple love and play.
my kids...energetic optimists equal parts kindness humor and presence...fumbling their way to authenticity with all the wild soul ripping joy and pain that we can possibly handle.
my drive...a river with a steady current of tunes that float me along to a destination I've chosen...with landmarks that remind me that even duty is chosen.
my job...a fairy tale of wand waving and love bombing psychic glitter all day every day.
my body...an instrument to rejoice in.
my friendships...a carved out place in a field of high grass and flowers below a brilliant blue sky or a glittering sky of stars...secluded, intimate, hopeful, earthy and pure.
my love affairs...a slow and sultry bass riff on a brandy soaked sunday.
my evening...a vacation full of limitless conversation, adventures, friends new and old and time to just be.
my conversations...connections of the heart, bonding and reminding and equal parts soul salving and kick in the ass.
my sleep...sound and solid, full of technicolor dreams that serve upon waking to remind of possibility and power.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
There ARE beauty~full things every day...
it just took me almost 4 months to remember to see them. That's approximately 120 days of beauty~less~ness.
I locked this personal, sacred space of mine down as a fear reaction. Four months ago I lost my way. I knew it. I didn't like it. But fixing it meant trying to negotiate my way along an unfamiliar, overgrown path on a moonless night. With snakes. The thing that I forgot is: I am not afraid of snakes. I'm not afraid of being alone. I'm not afraid of moonless nights. I forgot that I'm not afraid, period.
I'm brave. Today I remembered that. It took time and it took patient angels. The result is this. Today I open my heart and I invite you in. I open my personal, sacred space and ask only this: Stay, curl up with me and my words and lets weave something amazing together in this bit of space and time. Have positive intentions. If you feel so inclined, let me know you stopped by. Challenge me if you disagree. Gently move on if this space and your energy are not a match. Get to know me. Smile a secret smile if you already do. Trust me. Keep smiling if that already applies. Smile some more, just for the hell of it.
This is me being brave, and I thank you for reading. For being a patient angel. For smiling.
One beauty~full thing for each of the past four months:
♥ A moment so staggering that it necessitated the spinning of a cocoon...but a cocoon means that some other season sees a butterfly. Wings, baby. Wings.
♥ A move, a moving out and moving on....my baby girl off to college and on to the next stage of her amazing adventure.
♥ A long holiday weekend off work and surrounded by love...followed by a long holiday from worry in the most important area of my life...and all the positive changes that came along with that.
♥ A single cold and wet day perfect for breaking out the tall boots and a long scarf. An umbrella. The heater. Down comforters. One day was enough...for now.
I locked this personal, sacred space of mine down as a fear reaction. Four months ago I lost my way. I knew it. I didn't like it. But fixing it meant trying to negotiate my way along an unfamiliar, overgrown path on a moonless night. With snakes. The thing that I forgot is: I am not afraid of snakes. I'm not afraid of being alone. I'm not afraid of moonless nights. I forgot that I'm not afraid, period.
I'm brave. Today I remembered that. It took time and it took patient angels. The result is this. Today I open my heart and I invite you in. I open my personal, sacred space and ask only this: Stay, curl up with me and my words and lets weave something amazing together in this bit of space and time. Have positive intentions. If you feel so inclined, let me know you stopped by. Challenge me if you disagree. Gently move on if this space and your energy are not a match. Get to know me. Smile a secret smile if you already do. Trust me. Keep smiling if that already applies. Smile some more, just for the hell of it.
This is me being brave, and I thank you for reading. For being a patient angel. For smiling.
One beauty~full thing for each of the past four months:
♥ A moment so staggering that it necessitated the spinning of a cocoon...but a cocoon means that some other season sees a butterfly. Wings, baby. Wings.
♥ A move, a moving out and moving on....my baby girl off to college and on to the next stage of her amazing adventure.
♥ A long holiday weekend off work and surrounded by love...followed by a long holiday from worry in the most important area of my life...and all the positive changes that came along with that.
♥ A single cold and wet day perfect for breaking out the tall boots and a long scarf. An umbrella. The heater. Down comforters. One day was enough...for now.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Sowing the seeds of love...
It's so quiet in here. This space where I can come and express myself any way that I see fit is so very precious to me and for a couple of weeks now I have sat here with fingers poised above the keys for silent and still moments upon moments before giving up and signing out...silent still.
Tonight I decided to talk about being silent if I couldn't come up with anything else to say. So there goes.
But I do have something to say. Something pretty big. Something radical and brazen.
I like myself. Yeah, I said it. I actually LOVE me.
Part of my silence coincided with one of my lovelies putting in plain terms her concerns about my character. I gave myself permission to sit with her words for some time to turn them over, check them out, try them on and then decide what to do with them. All of that is done and with a sigh, smile and shout from the bottom of my soul, I'd like to say that I LIKE ME!
Oh, I'm so very far from perfect and so very flawed and floundering. I have not figured out all the quirks and twists and turns of this life and how relationships of any/all kinds become successes. I haven't discovered the secret of how to behave with positive intention 100% of the time. I'm lucky if I hit 50% with consistency but on occasion I've hit 75%. I have given myself permission to be mistaken, to be flat out wrong and to fall flat on my face if the lesson at hand calls for it. I have hurt people and I have hurt myself and I surely hurt myself when I hurt other people. I do, however, strive to always do my best.
What I'm not is intentionally careless with other people's hearts. I'm not purposefully reckless and I'm not malicious. I don't hold grudges and I don't treat people how they have earned being treated, I treat people with heartfelt spontaneous love and care. I don't read into other people's behavior looking for ulterior motives or some far off future issue that might arise. I don't assume that behavior that is "outside the box" is wrong...I allow that it might be right for the situation at hand and only the behaviorer knows for sure if they are doing the best they can at the moment.
I smile at people a lot, even when they are displeased with me. I smile because I care. I smile because they care. I smile because even a rough time is time together with opportunity to learn and grow. I smile because even when people change or go away or even stick around but the relationship ends, those moments of connection still existed and I know the level of pure heart love I poured into those moments as often as I possibly could...and I ask no more of myself than that.
I had a birthday during my silence here. It was amazing, full of new friends and old friends, soul friends and family disguised as friends. There was travel and adventure and awakening and accomplishment. There was dungeon sushi and Louisiana style crawfish boil. There were hikes and streetcars and outdoor markets and even a pride festival. There was a sauna with vodka. There was a brewery sampler and a burger that I'm still dreaming about. But each and every one of those things was made enormously more special because of the love that was woven through and around each one.
Love conquers all...even my own self-doubt. That's what I really wanted to say tonight...that I love me and I hope if you're here in my blog...here in my life, you've found a way to love me too...imperfections and all. In return for your love, I promise with all of my heart that I will continue to strive to always do my best...for me, for you, by me and by you.
Over & out.
Tonight I decided to talk about being silent if I couldn't come up with anything else to say. So there goes.
But I do have something to say. Something pretty big. Something radical and brazen.
I like myself. Yeah, I said it. I actually LOVE me.
Part of my silence coincided with one of my lovelies putting in plain terms her concerns about my character. I gave myself permission to sit with her words for some time to turn them over, check them out, try them on and then decide what to do with them. All of that is done and with a sigh, smile and shout from the bottom of my soul, I'd like to say that I LIKE ME!
Oh, I'm so very far from perfect and so very flawed and floundering. I have not figured out all the quirks and twists and turns of this life and how relationships of any/all kinds become successes. I haven't discovered the secret of how to behave with positive intention 100% of the time. I'm lucky if I hit 50% with consistency but on occasion I've hit 75%. I have given myself permission to be mistaken, to be flat out wrong and to fall flat on my face if the lesson at hand calls for it. I have hurt people and I have hurt myself and I surely hurt myself when I hurt other people. I do, however, strive to always do my best.
What I'm not is intentionally careless with other people's hearts. I'm not purposefully reckless and I'm not malicious. I don't hold grudges and I don't treat people how they have earned being treated, I treat people with heartfelt spontaneous love and care. I don't read into other people's behavior looking for ulterior motives or some far off future issue that might arise. I don't assume that behavior that is "outside the box" is wrong...I allow that it might be right for the situation at hand and only the behaviorer knows for sure if they are doing the best they can at the moment.
I smile at people a lot, even when they are displeased with me. I smile because I care. I smile because they care. I smile because even a rough time is time together with opportunity to learn and grow. I smile because even when people change or go away or even stick around but the relationship ends, those moments of connection still existed and I know the level of pure heart love I poured into those moments as often as I possibly could...and I ask no more of myself than that.
I had a birthday during my silence here. It was amazing, full of new friends and old friends, soul friends and family disguised as friends. There was travel and adventure and awakening and accomplishment. There was dungeon sushi and Louisiana style crawfish boil. There were hikes and streetcars and outdoor markets and even a pride festival. There was a sauna with vodka. There was a brewery sampler and a burger that I'm still dreaming about. But each and every one of those things was made enormously more special because of the love that was woven through and around each one.
Love conquers all...even my own self-doubt. That's what I really wanted to say tonight...that I love me and I hope if you're here in my blog...here in my life, you've found a way to love me too...imperfections and all. In return for your love, I promise with all of my heart that I will continue to strive to always do my best...for me, for you, by me and by you.
Over & out.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
One Mississippi, Two Mississippi, Three Mississippi...
There have been tears and confusion and shouts and angry red moments at home, in the car, at work, in the kitchen, in the parking lot and in front of a judge. Finding beauty has been elusive...but it's there...
♥A phone call from the one person who instinctively knows EXACTLY what to say to make the fears simply dissipate. "It's in the day to day stuff that you're not thinking about that will make her miss and appreciate you." Sigh. "She's angry now but that will settle. You're afraid now and that will settle too." Sigh.
♥My momma who is willing to do scandalous clandestine ops when needed, no questions asked.
♥When male peacocks run across the road at dusk, they look like sea serpents crossing a black river. If the dusk sky is lavender, it looks like sea serpents in a fairy tale if fairy tales had sea serpents.
♥A phone call from the one person who instinctively knows EXACTLY what to say to make the fears simply dissipate. "It's in the day to day stuff that you're not thinking about that will make her miss and appreciate you." Sigh. "She's angry now but that will settle. You're afraid now and that will settle too." Sigh.
♥My momma who is willing to do scandalous clandestine ops when needed, no questions asked.
♥When male peacocks run across the road at dusk, they look like sea serpents crossing a black river. If the dusk sky is lavender, it looks like sea serpents in a fairy tale if fairy tales had sea serpents.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Cleaning House...
Lately I've been de-cluttering, donating, downsizing. Deliberately and with a completely non-Gemini-like precision.
The area I hit today was my box of school papers...from day one of Junior College through my Master's Program. I had a nice fire in the fire pit tonight. :) All that information, the copies and handouts, chapters copied out of books I refused to purchase, notes and resources, stories and vignettes...all things that contributed to my learning but don't have to be cluttering up that corner of my office any more. The things I turned into toe-warming tonight were all the things that now clutter up a corner of my mind.
Save one. This one made it here...to be commemorated, reflected on and shared.
I don't recall what class it came from or why it was even taught to us...but the lesson it taught me tonight is that some seeds they planted were very very powerful.
10 Characteristics of Physio-psychological Health:
~Positive self-esteem
~Internal locus of control
~Aggressive pursuit of mental health
~Believe in own usefulness
~Development and maintenance of strong emotional support system
~Viewing problems as challenges with potential for positive outcome
~Investigation and pursuit of alternative approaches to challenges
~Able to discuss problems with openness and lack of ego
~Feeling of purpose and meaning to life
~Proactive participation in all aspects of life and self development
I like this list. I like it very much. It's not a "to-do" list where you can check things off as if they are done. It's a "strive for" list that encourages constant forward movement in life...constant change and evolution with hope and promise as the fuel.
I like it so So SO much. You can be anywhere on any given day...today I was about 90% of those things. Yesterday probably about 60% and maybe tomorrow I'll be somewhere in the middle of those two...some days I'm at about 20% and even that is okay. It's all subjective and dependent on circumstance...mostly. The list is the skeleton that never goes away but experience and circumstance flesh out.
The lovely part is that somewhere in some classroom during a class I can't even recall, some teacher had me write it down and in that writing it became my emotional skeleton...what I believe to strive for. It held me responsible for my experiences in this life. It planted a seed that grew into unflagging optimism that life can be an amazing, safe place full of responsible learning, growing and loving.
I'm heading out to toss that paper in the fire pit too...the skeleton is part of me and the information, the seed and the endless possibility are right here, right now for YOU.
The area I hit today was my box of school papers...from day one of Junior College through my Master's Program. I had a nice fire in the fire pit tonight. :) All that information, the copies and handouts, chapters copied out of books I refused to purchase, notes and resources, stories and vignettes...all things that contributed to my learning but don't have to be cluttering up that corner of my office any more. The things I turned into toe-warming tonight were all the things that now clutter up a corner of my mind.
Save one. This one made it here...to be commemorated, reflected on and shared.
I don't recall what class it came from or why it was even taught to us...but the lesson it taught me tonight is that some seeds they planted were very very powerful.
10 Characteristics of Physio-psychological Health:
~Positive self-esteem
~Internal locus of control
~Aggressive pursuit of mental health
~Believe in own usefulness
~Development and maintenance of strong emotional support system
~Viewing problems as challenges with potential for positive outcome
~Investigation and pursuit of alternative approaches to challenges
~Able to discuss problems with openness and lack of ego
~Feeling of purpose and meaning to life
~Proactive participation in all aspects of life and self development
I like this list. I like it very much. It's not a "to-do" list where you can check things off as if they are done. It's a "strive for" list that encourages constant forward movement in life...constant change and evolution with hope and promise as the fuel.
I like it so So SO much. You can be anywhere on any given day...today I was about 90% of those things. Yesterday probably about 60% and maybe tomorrow I'll be somewhere in the middle of those two...some days I'm at about 20% and even that is okay. It's all subjective and dependent on circumstance...mostly. The list is the skeleton that never goes away but experience and circumstance flesh out.
The lovely part is that somewhere in some classroom during a class I can't even recall, some teacher had me write it down and in that writing it became my emotional skeleton...what I believe to strive for. It held me responsible for my experiences in this life. It planted a seed that grew into unflagging optimism that life can be an amazing, safe place full of responsible learning, growing and loving.
I'm heading out to toss that paper in the fire pit too...the skeleton is part of me and the information, the seed and the endless possibility are right here, right now for YOU.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
If life had a reset button
For what it’s worth, it’s never too late, or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit... start whenever you want... you can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that stop you. I hope you feel things that you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life that you’re proud of and if you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again. -Benjamin Button
I had a headache, repaired a storm damaged fallen fence, broke the garage door, have a phone that won't let me communicate, shopped at a mall, caught a loose canine who splattered me with mud, took down my favorite Halloween decoration that the rain has now ruined, took my baby for cardiac testing after a fainting spell and was diagnosed myself with a tortuous case of tendonitis that makes EVERYTHING painful to do...including ALL OF THE ABOVE LISTED THINGS.
Then I came home and watched The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. It should really be called How to Put Your Shit in Perspective.
There is still beauty:
♥This week started my new job description, new shifts and new hours: Social Work Monday to Friday 6:45am to 3:15pm. It's lovely. The work is soul~feeding and the work day is done before I'm all used up.
♥I learned to love and honor me...to say NO when I want to say YES because I love me too much to settle for less than I deserve. Self~love is warm and snuggly.
♥I have love, time, money and energy to put into all the things listed above...and know when which one calls for which thing to throw at it. Love all around. Money sparingly and energy only where it will serve the purpose well. Time saved by tossing some of that green stuff at professionals. Then more love.
I had a headache, repaired a storm damaged fallen fence, broke the garage door, have a phone that won't let me communicate, shopped at a mall, caught a loose canine who splattered me with mud, took down my favorite Halloween decoration that the rain has now ruined, took my baby for cardiac testing after a fainting spell and was diagnosed myself with a tortuous case of tendonitis that makes EVERYTHING painful to do...including ALL OF THE ABOVE LISTED THINGS.
Then I came home and watched The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. It should really be called How to Put Your Shit in Perspective.
There is still beauty:
♥This week started my new job description, new shifts and new hours: Social Work Monday to Friday 6:45am to 3:15pm. It's lovely. The work is soul~feeding and the work day is done before I'm all used up.
♥I learned to love and honor me...to say NO when I want to say YES because I love me too much to settle for less than I deserve. Self~love is warm and snuggly.
♥I have love, time, money and energy to put into all the things listed above...and know when which one calls for which thing to throw at it. Love all around. Money sparingly and energy only where it will serve the purpose well. Time saved by tossing some of that green stuff at professionals. Then more love.
Monday, October 18, 2010
I really didn't have a clear idea of what a control freak I can be until I've had to channel massive amounts of energy into simply be-ing and trusting and allowing things to unfold as they are meant to.
Massive.
Amounts.
Of.
Energy.
Just.
Being.
...which should be kind of like sitting in neutral with your foot off the clutch. Not in this girl's world. It's more like trying to hold a pitbull on a meth/steroid cocktail on a leash with a bloody brisket just out of reach. Shall I go on?
Growth is painful and the more valuable the lesson, the harder it is to breathe through the growing pains. I'm breathing...and appreciating. Allowing. Accepting.
And still not able to let go of the hoping.
Ok, and visualizing...but that's okay, RIGHT!!!???!!!
Massive.
Amounts.
Of.
Energy.
Just.
Being.
...which should be kind of like sitting in neutral with your foot off the clutch. Not in this girl's world. It's more like trying to hold a pitbull on a meth/steroid cocktail on a leash with a bloody brisket just out of reach. Shall I go on?
Growth is painful and the more valuable the lesson, the harder it is to breathe through the growing pains. I'm breathing...and appreciating. Allowing. Accepting.
And still not able to let go of the hoping.
Ok, and visualizing...but that's okay, RIGHT!!!???!!!
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Ick, reversed.
Yesterday, I...
¿had a collision while driving, my mustang vs. bike rider on meth (HE hit ME and begged me to not call the cops, between threats of throwing his bike at me and calling ME a crazy bitch).
¿lost two hens to a chicken hawk and have one remaining, very traumatized, hen left.
¿was bitten by a little dog, hard...on the arm for trying to stop her fight with the other little dog.
BUT! I also...
♥got to see my lovely...my mermaid soul sister...catch up & smile.
♥was bestowed generous gifts that I then paid forward.
♥sat and created for hours...know what all my peeps are getting for Christmas this year! ;)
¿had a collision while driving, my mustang vs. bike rider on meth (HE hit ME and begged me to not call the cops, between threats of throwing his bike at me and calling ME a crazy bitch).
¿lost two hens to a chicken hawk and have one remaining, very traumatized, hen left.
¿was bitten by a little dog, hard...on the arm for trying to stop her fight with the other little dog.
BUT! I also...
♥got to see my lovely...my mermaid soul sister...catch up & smile.
♥was bestowed generous gifts that I then paid forward.
♥sat and created for hours...know what all my peeps are getting for Christmas this year! ;)
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Father's Day
Dad,
Seven years ago the scene in my kitchen was love and laughter sprinkled with excitement and adventure. I had just turned 32, your grandchildren were 10 and 8 1/2 years old. They were still young enough that cooking was mysterious...amazed that simple ingredients turned into mouth-watering deliciousness...and sending packages in the post was even more mysterious. Ashleigh said to me "you just put that little sticker on it and the mailman knows where to drive it to?" They tested those cookies we baked...the interesting combinations...walnut peanut butter chip and white chocolate cinnamon. Unusual and perfect for you. They labeled the bags in their precise grade-school penmanship and packaged them with care, insisting that we include some of the cherries from the trip to the Farmer's Market that morning. I sent it overnight mail and when you got them, we laughed about how the cookies came in crumbs...delicious crumbs!
We were planning a camping trip to the redwoods in a couple of months' time, emails flying back and forth and anticipation building daily. I had no clue that it was to be my last Father's Day with you. I had no clue that in a month's time you would be gone and the Redwoods would still be waiting. I had no clue that the memories we were making that day in the kitchen over your cookies would become so bittersweet.
Our history is fragmented but each piece of the puzzle was necessary for us to put together such a lovely picture in the end. I spent the first three years of my life adoring you, the next 15 pining for you followed by 11 resenting and rejecting you...coming full circle to the last three adoring you once again.
I'm so glad you never gave up, despite my sometimes harsh words and judgmental attitude. You taught me that patience and tenacity, you know. That and so much more. You came into your art late in life, paving the way for me to do the same. You used your words generously, intelligently while humbly allowing room for mistake...laughing at yourself before anyone else could. I follow your lead daily. You walked through this life at your own rhythm, being human and allowing that the guidelines for how to live a "right" life were simply that, guidelines. You were brave with your scars, making them visible as much as possible...knowing that the effort it took was what would save your life every day. You allowed me to come into your life as a mostly formed adult and when you fell in love who I was, I fell in love with me too. I hope it was the same for you. You strove to be simple in action but complex in mind. I see you in your grandchildren and know that I am teaching them your gifts. They were many, those gifts...and I miss you every day. I see you sometimes...in a sunrise or how the wind sounds...when the moths hatch each year or when I see a Golden Retriever...especially one that knows how to smile. Mostly I feel you. I know when you're laughing at me and it makes me comfortable in my own skin. I know when you're rolling your eyes and pushing me to lighten up. I usually do, don't I? There are a million things that let me know you're here and today I'll be dancing in my living room to Eric Burdon and the Animals...being lighthearted and grateful for those last three years...paying homage to you in the only way the feels right. By moving, being playful and letting the past guide the moment.
I miss you, Dad.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Unreadable...unthinkable...unspeakable
I am so much more selfish than I ever thought I could admit. I'm crying today...grieving tears from missing that outing with a lovely, coffee with a witch, my garden, netflix on demand, hours with nothing to do and a convertible to do it in, long showers followed by naps, hikes before the sun gets too hot, spontaneous trips to swimming holes, my fridge full of yummy fresh groceries, my big cloud of a bed.
Me, the traveller, the gypsy hearted hippie...missing my things...and doing the tears of grief thing while my momma, one mile down the road, needs 24 hour care for the next month and cries real tears of physical pain.
So. Selfish.
And so lucky to have a mom.
And so lucky to have a life worth missing.
And still crying.
Geez.
Me, the traveller, the gypsy hearted hippie...missing my things...and doing the tears of grief thing while my momma, one mile down the road, needs 24 hour care for the next month and cries real tears of physical pain.
So. Selfish.
And so lucky to have a mom.
And so lucky to have a life worth missing.
And still crying.
Geez.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
~big sigh~
"Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." ~Howard Thurman
I took a break from here because I got scared. I started to feel alive inside and is that ever a scary place to be. Even scarier when it's accompanied by the knowledge of what barriers and obstacles are keeping the alive feeling inside...and the work it will take...the risks, the sacrifice, the changes and the especially the faith it will require to let the feeling turn into the "go do it" that is just dying to go and get done.
Then one day the scales tip and the fear has nowhere left to hold on...when passion and hunger and confidence become to big for the fear to have one single fingerhold anymore.
Hello Passion, Hunger & Confidence. I'm so very relieved to see you. Watch out, world...here we come.
I took a break from here because I got scared. I started to feel alive inside and is that ever a scary place to be. Even scarier when it's accompanied by the knowledge of what barriers and obstacles are keeping the alive feeling inside...and the work it will take...the risks, the sacrifice, the changes and the especially the faith it will require to let the feeling turn into the "go do it" that is just dying to go and get done.
Then one day the scales tip and the fear has nowhere left to hold on...when passion and hunger and confidence become to big for the fear to have one single fingerhold anymore.
Hello Passion, Hunger & Confidence. I'm so very relieved to see you. Watch out, world...here we come.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Frugal, frankinsence and functionality...
♥My new mission...only spending as much at Wal-Mart as we get from our recycling! :) Mission accomplished today!
♥The smell of bacon and bbq...mmmm...heaven!
♥This parenting business...ball season and sleepovers, air kisses and new haircuts, friends and laughter, fear and fun, rules, rants, tears, love and that perfect fit that lets me know we're on the right track.
♥The smell of bacon and bbq...mmmm...heaven!
♥This parenting business...ball season and sleepovers, air kisses and new haircuts, friends and laughter, fear and fun, rules, rants, tears, love and that perfect fit that lets me know we're on the right track.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
New category: Three REALLY ANNOYING things...
¢ A brand new laptop that will most likely cost $130 in repairs.
¢ Hopes, dashed. Twice in the space of an hour.
¢ A huge bruised pinky knuckle FOR NO GOOD REASON.
PS. The cent signs? So that there can be SOME SENSE in my universe right now.
¢ Hopes, dashed. Twice in the space of an hour.
¢ A huge bruised pinky knuckle FOR NO GOOD REASON.
PS. The cent signs? So that there can be SOME SENSE in my universe right now.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
January is here...so am I
I'm normally great at organizing my thoughts and making some sense of connection, practical application or meaning. Normally. Today I'm very far from that normal. Today I am jumbled up and randomly expressive. Here goes...
This week, I...
fell down. twice.
ate too much sushi.
emailed some truths.
emailed some fun.
flirted via text. plural like.
missed my momma...then drove to the airport to get her.
watched an entire season of a TV show on disc...it has TARA in the title!
napped.
worked.
acquired something illegally.
acquired something illegal.
dreamed of Seattle.
planned for Seattle.
quieted my mind.
stretched my body.
asked for what I needed.
made a promise.
wrote a poem.
listened to break up songs and realized there's no heartbreak left. whew!
raided a cherished friend's wardrobe.
forgave for no reason.
refused to forgive for good reason.
reached out here.
shut down there.
cried for sad and cried for glad.
cleaned, decluttered and donated.
finished an entire "to do" list.
accepted certain realities.
dreamed a brand new, bigger and better dream just for dreams' sake.
repaired a piece of furniture.
made kick ass Sangria...my own recipe!
got a package in the mail.
slept like a baby.
wished you were here.
This week, I...
fell down. twice.
ate too much sushi.
emailed some truths.
emailed some fun.
flirted via text. plural like.
missed my momma...then drove to the airport to get her.
watched an entire season of a TV show on disc...it has TARA in the title!
napped.
worked.
acquired something illegally.
acquired something illegal.
dreamed of Seattle.
planned for Seattle.
quieted my mind.
stretched my body.
asked for what I needed.
made a promise.
wrote a poem.
listened to break up songs and realized there's no heartbreak left. whew!
raided a cherished friend's wardrobe.
forgave for no reason.
refused to forgive for good reason.
reached out here.
shut down there.
cried for sad and cried for glad.
cleaned, decluttered and donated.
finished an entire "to do" list.
accepted certain realities.
dreamed a brand new, bigger and better dream just for dreams' sake.
repaired a piece of furniture.
made kick ass Sangria...my own recipe!
got a package in the mail.
slept like a baby.
wished you were here.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
