I occasionally fall into a trap. The comparison trap. I'm on track toward a goal...any goal...and someone I'm connected to is on the same track. Maybe steps beyond me or steps behind. Maybe we vacillate. At times I feel like a coach and other times I feel like a slacker. Ouch. Sometimes I feel like a failure and the self recrimination becomes a demon that haunts my every decision. Comparison is so counterproductive. Even when I'm in the steps beyond camp, I struggle with feelings of superiority...knowing on a gut level that "sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind...the race is long, and in the end it's only with yourself" (Mary Schmich, Chicago Tribune, 1997) and that superiority merely causes breaks in connection which is the exact opposite of how I want to live this life.
So I regroup. Right now, in one goal, I am behind where I wish I was. I am beyond where I thought I would be. In comparison to those on my same journey, I struggle with judging their methods and goals. Judging...along with superiority become comparison's evil henchmen.
Here's where I am today. I woke up and it was foggy. ~sigh~ I love fog. I put on appropriate clothing and walked a couple of miles in the fog. Soaking it in, being fully present and insulated. Being held gently by one of the earth's amazing water tricks. I met my own methods and goals in that naturally meditative space. My goals don't tend to have numbers or letters or any measurable outcome. My goals are 100% totally and completely about feeling.
Succulent, Awed, Magical, Magnetic, Deeply Connected. Every day in every way.
Fitness? Succulent in my clothes, deeply connected to my body...not a body I happen to have but one I inhabit in a deeply connected feeling way. That requires hydration, restful sleep, meditation, pure nourishment and movement...pushing, pulling, lifting, running, dancing, skipping, walking. It requires I push my body in ways that allow me to feel it not only as I'm doing it but days after. I'm not about a number on a scale, a number on a tag or inches on a tape. I'm about being in this body passionately.
My career? Awed by my fellow humans. Magical to those who come to me for perspective and healing. Magnetic to those who crave my natural gifts. Deeply connected to a commitment to my fellow beings in all of their forms.
My world? Awed. Aware of my magical deep connection to all of our planet and mother nature's natural gifts.
My people? All of it. Succulent, I want to nourish them. Awed...I want to be soulfully nourished BY them. Magical...I want to practice being present in ways that transcend the obvious reality. Magnetic...I want to only be in the presence of those with whom the attraction is mutual and learn to let the others find their own other pole. Deeply connected...I want to wind my roots around and share those vital nutrients with others, becoming stronger naturally through this process...no more superficiality or avoidance.
My goals are mine. They are not superior or inferior to any other person's. There is no universal yardstick and I am truly never ahead or behind any other person. The race I am in with myself is not only long, it is infinite. The only possible measurement is how committed I remained on any given day to staying true to those feelings.
Today has infinite possibilities and I am grateful to the fog for the space to remember these things.
Friday, October 24, 2014
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Ain't it, baby.
Ten years ago this past July 31st, we met. We knew each other well by that time, but on that night, we met. Completely. It was a meeting that neither of us expected and certainly weren't prepared for in the least. It was fantastic and it felt so...forever. Immediately, forever.
Ten years later, I know in every cell of my being that things happened just as they were supposed to...with the love and the light and the pain and the dark. I know that our agreement was to love, learn and enrich one another's lives and hearts. There was healing to be done and lessons meant to be mastered. You were meant to teach me to embrace fun and easy while I was meant to show you the safety of deep and meaningful.
We did it. There were late Saturday nights after dancing for hours fueled only by round after round of tequila and laughter. There were trips with long naps after hours upon hours of lovemaking followed by beach picnics and bar hopping for that last hour before closing. There was hand holding and whispers, gazes and words of love. There were moments of connection so unbelievably tangible and kisses that brought butterflies and mutual dreams to life.
We bungled it. We taught each other that those lessons came with pain. The fun and ease came with shattered trust buried under piles of lies and deception. The deep and meaningful came with the willingness to take it all away.
We did what we did because we were who we were. We moved apart and together so many times that there is no number capable of capturing it accurately. We hurt one another. We hurt ourselves.
Ten years later, I asked my soul how to proceed. We've used up our chances. The pain has overcome the love, the agreements, the hope, the lessons. I'm not afraid of being separate from you any longer. I'm not afraid of letting you down. I'm not afraid of anything, actually. I know that we've done too much damage and that we have nothing left to learn from one another. I know these things. I know that my future holds lessons but I also know that we are no longer each other's teachers.
We ended ten years after we started, to the day. I felt it, like the absence of the itch when a wound has completely healed.
We are free.
Ten years later, I know in every cell of my being that things happened just as they were supposed to...with the love and the light and the pain and the dark. I know that our agreement was to love, learn and enrich one another's lives and hearts. There was healing to be done and lessons meant to be mastered. You were meant to teach me to embrace fun and easy while I was meant to show you the safety of deep and meaningful.
We did it. There were late Saturday nights after dancing for hours fueled only by round after round of tequila and laughter. There were trips with long naps after hours upon hours of lovemaking followed by beach picnics and bar hopping for that last hour before closing. There was hand holding and whispers, gazes and words of love. There were moments of connection so unbelievably tangible and kisses that brought butterflies and mutual dreams to life.
We bungled it. We taught each other that those lessons came with pain. The fun and ease came with shattered trust buried under piles of lies and deception. The deep and meaningful came with the willingness to take it all away.
We did what we did because we were who we were. We moved apart and together so many times that there is no number capable of capturing it accurately. We hurt one another. We hurt ourselves.
Ten years later, I asked my soul how to proceed. We've used up our chances. The pain has overcome the love, the agreements, the hope, the lessons. I'm not afraid of being separate from you any longer. I'm not afraid of letting you down. I'm not afraid of anything, actually. I know that we've done too much damage and that we have nothing left to learn from one another. I know these things. I know that my future holds lessons but I also know that we are no longer each other's teachers.
We ended ten years after we started, to the day. I felt it, like the absence of the itch when a wound has completely healed.
We are free.
Monday, September 15, 2014
Sweet relief
Things changed in my world in February. A change I could roll with, a change that loyalty required I grin and bear. A change that would necessitate the development of the mantra "help for so many, you can do this." I have lived it fully...with all of the challenges and triumphs that were part of the journey.
I finally understand people who leave their 9-5 six figure a year job to work at Starbucks.
The things I have learned in the past few months are this:
First: just because you're good or great at something does not mean that you should do it and do it and do it...especially exclusively. Imagine this concept in regard to a muscle. If you knew that your biceps were your best muscle and you directed all of your attention to them, you would end up with huge beautifully defined biceps on a body that doesn't match. Other muscles would wither and atrophy. Some would compensate but compensating is so far from the equal attention they deserve and, quite frankly, require to create a healthy and balanced human being.
Second: if your integrity does not line up with how you're being asked to do something, the cost is too high. You pay for this in pieces of your self-worth. On a soul level, when this happens, destructive compensation measures kick in. Your you-ness erodes and you hardly recognize the person behind the behaviors, habits, thoughts and fears.
Third: you are the only one responsible for understanding and supporting all of this. I'm a big fan of "ask for what you need" but I also follow that with "be okay with no as an answer" and when that answer is no, allow yourself to respond authentically. Knowing how, when and where to seek a beginning of an end is crucial. Doing so with grace is a must...and a gift.
So...change is rolling in like a fog or a marine layer...but when it lifts or dissipates, everything will be in sharp relief again. Relief AND relief. ~sigh~
Succulent? Magical? Magnetic? Awed? Deeply connected? Oh, yes.
I finally understand people who leave their 9-5 six figure a year job to work at Starbucks.
The things I have learned in the past few months are this:
First: just because you're good or great at something does not mean that you should do it and do it and do it...especially exclusively. Imagine this concept in regard to a muscle. If you knew that your biceps were your best muscle and you directed all of your attention to them, you would end up with huge beautifully defined biceps on a body that doesn't match. Other muscles would wither and atrophy. Some would compensate but compensating is so far from the equal attention they deserve and, quite frankly, require to create a healthy and balanced human being.
Second: if your integrity does not line up with how you're being asked to do something, the cost is too high. You pay for this in pieces of your self-worth. On a soul level, when this happens, destructive compensation measures kick in. Your you-ness erodes and you hardly recognize the person behind the behaviors, habits, thoughts and fears.
Third: you are the only one responsible for understanding and supporting all of this. I'm a big fan of "ask for what you need" but I also follow that with "be okay with no as an answer" and when that answer is no, allow yourself to respond authentically. Knowing how, when and where to seek a beginning of an end is crucial. Doing so with grace is a must...and a gift.
So...change is rolling in like a fog or a marine layer...but when it lifts or dissipates, everything will be in sharp relief again. Relief AND relief. ~sigh~
Succulent? Magical? Magnetic? Awed? Deeply connected? Oh, yes.
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Mother's Day, The first day of the rest of our relationship.
It's Mother's Day. I feel vaguely ambivalent...and it is devastating me. I know at some point, I will see my babies and we will spend 5 minutes or 5 hours together and it will be all that I could wish for. That part of Mother's Day is easy.
It's the having a mother part that is hard for me. My whole life, it's been a holiday whose approach I dread. The cards? They are all about "always there for me" and "helped me be the strong woman I am" etc, etc, etc. It's not that I disagree with any of those sentiments, per se. My mother was always there for me. She did help me become the strong woman I am. I do love her immensely. But there is still a bitter sting attached to the hows. There is a shit ton of garbage from the past that isn't decomposing on it's own. And it should have by now, if it was going to..with all of the time and pretending it doesn't exist that we have perfected into an art.
I'm 42. I'm lucky to have a mother. She's been through some health crises that scared us both and I can't even begin to imagine a world without her. I absolutely love her. I would do anything for her. I also know that there isn't a single thing she can do about the past...and she couldn't apologize in a way that would be more meaningful, heartfelt and genuine than the thousands of times she has before.
It confuses me so grieviously that I can be grateful and loving toward her and still hurt so tremendously over the past. It's affecting our relationship...and there is sadly not a damn thing she can do about it. The burden is on me. I'm the one who has to do something. I'm the one who has to do the deep soul work to release this shit. It's just so scary...so necessary, so beyond its time and did I mention so fucking scary? It's almost as if still being resentful keeps her in line...keeps her from becoming complacent and possibly repeating the past because she got off easy. Easy. Ha. It can't be easy by any stretch of the imagination to be on the other side of this relationship.
Today, my momma is loving and patient. She's funny, generous, thoughtful and kind...but she's sad a lot and I don't know how to help her with her sadness when I carry this terrible burden of resentment squarely between us. That makes her sadder.
Her Mother's Day gift this year is going to be that I'm done pretending. I'm done waiting for that magical moment when the piles of hurt from the past disappear on their own. My gift to my mother, to myself, to my kids and to all of those around me who see how I carry and defend my resentments is that I'm going to do something about it.
Starting today...despite how scary it is, I start where I can...peeking at it as much as possible. It starts with me and it starts today. It starts with an "I'm sorry" for waiting so long and that I'm so unbelievably grateful that the opportunity still exists.
It's the having a mother part that is hard for me. My whole life, it's been a holiday whose approach I dread. The cards? They are all about "always there for me" and "helped me be the strong woman I am" etc, etc, etc. It's not that I disagree with any of those sentiments, per se. My mother was always there for me. She did help me become the strong woman I am. I do love her immensely. But there is still a bitter sting attached to the hows. There is a shit ton of garbage from the past that isn't decomposing on it's own. And it should have by now, if it was going to..with all of the time and pretending it doesn't exist that we have perfected into an art.
I'm 42. I'm lucky to have a mother. She's been through some health crises that scared us both and I can't even begin to imagine a world without her. I absolutely love her. I would do anything for her. I also know that there isn't a single thing she can do about the past...and she couldn't apologize in a way that would be more meaningful, heartfelt and genuine than the thousands of times she has before.
It confuses me so grieviously that I can be grateful and loving toward her and still hurt so tremendously over the past. It's affecting our relationship...and there is sadly not a damn thing she can do about it. The burden is on me. I'm the one who has to do something. I'm the one who has to do the deep soul work to release this shit. It's just so scary...so necessary, so beyond its time and did I mention so fucking scary? It's almost as if still being resentful keeps her in line...keeps her from becoming complacent and possibly repeating the past because she got off easy. Easy. Ha. It can't be easy by any stretch of the imagination to be on the other side of this relationship.
Today, my momma is loving and patient. She's funny, generous, thoughtful and kind...but she's sad a lot and I don't know how to help her with her sadness when I carry this terrible burden of resentment squarely between us. That makes her sadder.
Her Mother's Day gift this year is going to be that I'm done pretending. I'm done waiting for that magical moment when the piles of hurt from the past disappear on their own. My gift to my mother, to myself, to my kids and to all of those around me who see how I carry and defend my resentments is that I'm going to do something about it.
Starting today...despite how scary it is, I start where I can...peeking at it as much as possible. It starts with me and it starts today. It starts with an "I'm sorry" for waiting so long and that I'm so unbelievably grateful that the opportunity still exists.
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
The One That Got Away
Dear The One Who Got Away,
It kind of sounds like I had you shackled in my basement, doesn't it?
You are my "One That Got Away" not because you were my great love or because there was some amazing future to be had by us as a couple. You are my "One That Got Away" because YOU left ME. That was a first for me. Confusing. Humbling. Ridiculous. And you left me for HER. Pfft.
I'm writing you this love letter to say thank you. Thank you for getting away. Thank you for leaving me. Thank you for leaving me for HER.
I needed some humbling. I needed some lessons. I needed a great opportunity to handle myself with grace and class. With your loving behavior through those worst of times, I emerged able to hold my head up high.
Fifteen years later, the lessons are so clear. Fifteen years later, I'm still able to smile about the time together without there being a pallor dulling things down even one notch.
Dear The One Who Got Away, I know you loved me with all you had in you back then. I know you followed your heart and it's taught me to trust...instead of the opposite. I trust everyone, all the time. I trust for a multitude of other reasons but also I trust that people will do what is right for them in the moment. I trust that I attract strong people who are capable of hurting someone else if it's the best choice in the long run. I trust that when we peaked, it was good. It was the kind of good that brings back a smile fifteen years later.
I didn't learn to run and shut down when you did the loving thing and let me go. I learned that sometimes, no matter how hard I want something, the intuitive level must be trusted.
It kind of sounds like I had you shackled in my basement, doesn't it?
You are my "One That Got Away" not because you were my great love or because there was some amazing future to be had by us as a couple. You are my "One That Got Away" because YOU left ME. That was a first for me. Confusing. Humbling. Ridiculous. And you left me for HER. Pfft.
I'm writing you this love letter to say thank you. Thank you for getting away. Thank you for leaving me. Thank you for leaving me for HER.
I needed some humbling. I needed some lessons. I needed a great opportunity to handle myself with grace and class. With your loving behavior through those worst of times, I emerged able to hold my head up high.
Fifteen years later, the lessons are so clear. Fifteen years later, I'm still able to smile about the time together without there being a pallor dulling things down even one notch.
Dear The One Who Got Away, I know you loved me with all you had in you back then. I know you followed your heart and it's taught me to trust...instead of the opposite. I trust everyone, all the time. I trust for a multitude of other reasons but also I trust that people will do what is right for them in the moment. I trust that I attract strong people who are capable of hurting someone else if it's the best choice in the long run. I trust that when we peaked, it was good. It was the kind of good that brings back a smile fifteen years later.
I didn't learn to run and shut down when you did the loving thing and let me go. I learned that sometimes, no matter how hard I want something, the intuitive level must be trusted.
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Love Letter to a Lime Tree
Dear Keffir Lime Tree,
I want you to know that you are where you are ON PURPOSE. I thought about you. I researched you. I called and arranged your delivery. I picked you up and nestled you into my car. After all of that, I delivered you and lovingly placed you into a new set of hands. You'll be cared for well. Very well. You will be fed and watered and admired. There will be worms and mulch and I couldn't do it better myself. You will be useful and you will bring joy.
You represent to me my ability to rise above circumstance. You proved to me that I am capable of letting go. You showed me that I can be completely unselfish and not be attached to an outcome...but that I can imagine and celebrate something that I won't have even a slight glimpse of. Something that for so long was tainted.
I sent you to a place to be with a person I can't be with...in a place that needed to stop having any meaning at all to me. I sent you to grow and fulfill your greatest potential, whatever it is. I sent you because I need to believe in potential.
Your purpose is already fulfilled.
The rest is bonus.
Thank you.
I want you to know that you are where you are ON PURPOSE. I thought about you. I researched you. I called and arranged your delivery. I picked you up and nestled you into my car. After all of that, I delivered you and lovingly placed you into a new set of hands. You'll be cared for well. Very well. You will be fed and watered and admired. There will be worms and mulch and I couldn't do it better myself. You will be useful and you will bring joy.
You represent to me my ability to rise above circumstance. You proved to me that I am capable of letting go. You showed me that I can be completely unselfish and not be attached to an outcome...but that I can imagine and celebrate something that I won't have even a slight glimpse of. Something that for so long was tainted.
I sent you to a place to be with a person I can't be with...in a place that needed to stop having any meaning at all to me. I sent you to grow and fulfill your greatest potential, whatever it is. I sent you because I need to believe in potential.
Your purpose is already fulfilled.
The rest is bonus.
Thank you.
Monday, April 28, 2014
Love letter to me
I am participating in 40 days of Love Letter writing. Today's prompt is to write a love letter to yourself. Here goes...
Dear Tara,
I hope you take a moment in your favorite reality to read this. Brew some hibiscus tea. Put on fuzzy socks. Turn on some Sinead Lohan. Burn some incense and turn on the twinkle lights. You're pretty cool, you know.
You've been through a lot lately. Big changes. Adjustments of enormous proportions. It was kind of nice to see you finally lose your shit over the past few weeks. It's even nicer to see you balanced and twirling again. Hopeful. Optimistic.
You're kind of in a pickle these days with work and home and all those changes and adjustments. I heard a quote today that made me think of your situation. "It isn't easy but it IS simple." I see you working your way back to simple and I have to say that after all of these years knowing you, simple really really works for you. I'm rooting for you to get there, to simple again.
You are pretty, intelligent, fun and funny. You're a loyal friend and so very aware of your baggage. You're considerate and you have pretty good morals. Your baggage gets in your own way sometimes and at times you are curt or overly abrupt as a result...but you're extremely reliable for knowing when you're doing it and calling it what it is. When you're ready to be a bit softer, there are people waiting to get closer to you. In your own time, love. In your own time.
You worked very hard for the career you have, and it's inspiring to see how you took your natural gifts and found a way to have someone hand over money for it. Stop thinking you're tricking them, what you do has great value. I called them gifts because that is exactly what they are...you give so much and it comes from a deep well of specialness that is there because of who you are. Trust it. Trust it more. Trust it always.
There isn't much room in a love letter to tell you things that you need to change...but love isn't all about what is right and perfect. Sometimes love is about saying that tough thing that needs to be said. So here goes. I know you've been a little lonely lately. I know you cry. I know you want. I also know that you're a little scared...for good reason. But the tough truth is that you will continue to be lonely until you decide to stop being scared. People will lie, people will be insensitive, people will be selfish. But you're people too, and you do those things also. You want to be loved and brought in close...so do they. I told you earlier that there are people waiting to get close to you and it's perfectly fine to do it in your own time...but I see you suffering. I have to ask: what will it take for your want to be stronger than your fear? Can you start small? Can you start now? You can handle ANYTHING. Take some chances. I've got your back. Delve into your reasons, I'll catch you.
On that note, with that one area as an exception, you are resourceful, imaginative, creative and adventurous beyond belief.
Go get em, Tiger.
PS. Spend more time in fuzzy socks.
Dear Tara,
I hope you take a moment in your favorite reality to read this. Brew some hibiscus tea. Put on fuzzy socks. Turn on some Sinead Lohan. Burn some incense and turn on the twinkle lights. You're pretty cool, you know.
You've been through a lot lately. Big changes. Adjustments of enormous proportions. It was kind of nice to see you finally lose your shit over the past few weeks. It's even nicer to see you balanced and twirling again. Hopeful. Optimistic.
You're kind of in a pickle these days with work and home and all those changes and adjustments. I heard a quote today that made me think of your situation. "It isn't easy but it IS simple." I see you working your way back to simple and I have to say that after all of these years knowing you, simple really really works for you. I'm rooting for you to get there, to simple again.
You are pretty, intelligent, fun and funny. You're a loyal friend and so very aware of your baggage. You're considerate and you have pretty good morals. Your baggage gets in your own way sometimes and at times you are curt or overly abrupt as a result...but you're extremely reliable for knowing when you're doing it and calling it what it is. When you're ready to be a bit softer, there are people waiting to get closer to you. In your own time, love. In your own time.
You worked very hard for the career you have, and it's inspiring to see how you took your natural gifts and found a way to have someone hand over money for it. Stop thinking you're tricking them, what you do has great value. I called them gifts because that is exactly what they are...you give so much and it comes from a deep well of specialness that is there because of who you are. Trust it. Trust it more. Trust it always.
There isn't much room in a love letter to tell you things that you need to change...but love isn't all about what is right and perfect. Sometimes love is about saying that tough thing that needs to be said. So here goes. I know you've been a little lonely lately. I know you cry. I know you want. I also know that you're a little scared...for good reason. But the tough truth is that you will continue to be lonely until you decide to stop being scared. People will lie, people will be insensitive, people will be selfish. But you're people too, and you do those things also. You want to be loved and brought in close...so do they. I told you earlier that there are people waiting to get close to you and it's perfectly fine to do it in your own time...but I see you suffering. I have to ask: what will it take for your want to be stronger than your fear? Can you start small? Can you start now? You can handle ANYTHING. Take some chances. I've got your back. Delve into your reasons, I'll catch you.
On that note, with that one area as an exception, you are resourceful, imaginative, creative and adventurous beyond belief.
Go get em, Tiger.
PS. Spend more time in fuzzy socks.
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