The Corner of Oh Shit and What the Fuck

There is so much changing. My head starts to throb with the simple exercise of wrapping around it all.

It's exhilarating.

It's terrifying.

I'm being dragged kicking and screaming into change...when change is what I thrive on. I'm resisting and I'm giving in, giving up and pulling the covers over my head as often as I'm putting on a good face and pretending that I've got this.

I don't.

I get up, go to yoga...go on long walks in this lovely place. I spend time with friends, nights with an old lover. I fill out paperwork and call my kids. I make breakfast and sign my name when the dotted line calls for it. I'm even in the midst of changing that...my very name.

I'm pretending that I'm okay.

I'm growing and learning...struggling and triumphing...every day there is some great victory and some scary moment that equally take my breath away.

You hear my voice, you know my heart...you see these words and wonder if you should be more worried than you have been. You worry that my speeches lately have been false, if you should have seen through them. You hope that you haven't missed something obvious.

The truth is that even I know it's all going to be okay...even when I feel like THIS. The truth is that I'm right where I'm supposed to be, doing just what I'm meant to do, be, see, experience and grow through.

Fact is, something can be terrifying and exciting simultaneously.

Someone can be lost just to be on the brink of finding themselves and finding their place.

I'm so lost...and it's okay.

I Believe in Santa

I have a magic wand. One that really works.

Don't be jealous. You have it too...you just have to download the software update and be patient during the buffering process.

My friends will tell you about my magic wand, but the words they will say are "lucky" or "in the right place at the right time" or "things just go her way" or my favorite "coincidences follow her."

That's one lovely viewpoint. Kinda sounds like magic.

The words I say are "mad manifesting skills" or "bitchen alignment with the Universe."

My magic wand is my mind and imagination. I've had it from birth and sometime way back in my childhood, I stopped believing in it's powerful ability to imagine my inner world into existence. I'd hazard a guess that it was around the same time I stopped expecting Santa to show up. Oddly enough, when I stopped expecting him was exactly when his visits ceased. Not so oddly, a couple of years ago when I started expecting him again, his visits resumed.

I could stop there and my work here would be done.

But that would leave you wondering about the hows. I am by no means an expert on the hows. I don't have an impressive library of woo-woo books. I haven't been to a single seminar or retreat to learn techniques. I don't have a guru. I do have hours of podcasts saved to my iTunes library but I've never listened to them. My meditation is sporadic and juvenile and often my mind strays to shiny things or broken things or my dog or my to do list or what was that noise?

So, how is it that I have mad manifesting skills and a bitchen alignment with the Universe?

Belief. That's how. Well, that's step one of three. It's the step where I learned patience. It's the step where I metaphorically looked at the hourglass and said "Yay, BUFFERING!" instead of clicking to the next video. It's the place where I cultivated gratitude for the process and remained completely present in that current amazing moment with all of its waning frustration and potential for greatness. It's also the place where I grew to believe that the entire Universe and Cosmos are constantly conspiring in my favor for the juiciest version of my dreams to come true. This step takes time and is unfortunately where the potential to give up is most ripe. I did. A hundred times over. Something kept bringing me back...some tiny memory from childhood that kept saying "believe" followed by "it took Santa 364 days to come back every year!" I figured that like a child, I could believe in something for 364 days. 364 days were going to pass no matter what and it was my choice on how to spend them...but I knew I would need help. Daily help. Something that would have the capacity to remind me of my goal to stay in a state of faith every single day upon waking. I did one of the smartest things I've ever done. I started having conversations with people who seemed to have this ineffable quality I desired. I was directed to this and this . For 364 days the words delivered to my inbox were my first conscious thoughts of the day. It didn't take very many days for my thinking to shift from "if only" to "here it comes!" It was a beauty~full awakening and a lovely gift I gave myself.

Today I believe that I am worthy and amazing...that the dreams I would like to have come true can and will. I believe that the foundations are there, waiting for me to flesh them out with steps two and three: visualization and open~minded movement forward in a world that is set up to make dreams come true.

Visualizing requires so very little. It can take a split second...and that split second can hold enormous power. I started closing my eyes and imagining all the subtle little nuances of what it would look like, smell like, feel like, sound like, taste like and BE like to be completely immersed in my dream come true. I get as detailed as I possibly can with whatever time I have. When I do this, I experience butterflies in my belly or an endorphin rush or a peaceful mellowed out bliss. How can THAT be bad? Then it occurred to me that my mind doesn't know the difference between what I imagine and what outward reality is. My thoughts have the power to convince my brain that I am experiencing something that is only happening in my imagination. Whoa. What else can my thoughts do? Are they truly a vibration that can attract like vibrations? Overcome by wonder, I took that out for a spin.

So far, I was working hard in my heart and soul and mind. That's all internal and the world outside of my being is where the dreams were waiting for me. Intention was lovely but I realized it takes more than that. There has to be action. There has to be connection and exposure to these mythical, mystical vibrations if I was going to attract them! I started moving toward my dreams in some way, large or small, every day. Just a start...and it turned into a lifestyle. I regularly seek out web sites, like minded friends on social media sites or a blogs to follow. I have conversations, read books, take or teach classes. I go places I haven't been before and open my eyes and heart fully each and every place I find myself, being aware of people and opportunities that I may not have noticed otherwise. I smile and say hello, take my headphones off and listen to the people and the world around me. I vary my patterns of where I shop, where I park, my routes or mode of transport. I do something...anything. Just a start. Starting is where the magic begins...and I happen to love magic.

Santa doesn't wait 364 days to visit anymore. That wonder, excitement, gratitude, hope~full way of living that I knew as a child is back...and present every day as if the bearded man was delivering it in his big red velvet bag directly to my grateful heart...sled and reindeer preferred but not required.

My life is a series of dreams come true. I love saying that.


(If you're reading this and it's all too woo woo for you, read it again. Take the woo woo out. I've fallen in love with myself. I've found faith and happiness. I nurture my mind. I am a more present human being, fostering a connection and respect with myself and the world around me...including you. Woo woo removed, how can THAT be anything but great?)

Love Looks Like a Laughing Sea

You know those moments when you're not sure...well, you're not sure of much of anything?

In those moments, I allow. I allow uncertainty. I allow patience...for the answers to come to me...in their own time and via whatever messenger is willing and available.

I've been uncertain.

I've been waiting.

Finally, this came: "For as long as you wish to keep them in your life, whoever they may be, understanding them, as opposed to changing them, will wildly improve the chances that they'll wish to keep you in their life. ~The Universe"

Then there was this: "Dear Human: You’ve got it all wrong. You didn’t come here to master unconditional love. That is where you came from and where you’ll return. You came here to learn personal love. Universal love. Messy love. Sweaty love. Crazy love. Broken love. Whole love. Infused with divinity. Lived through the grace of stumbling. Demonstrated through the beauty of… messing up. Often. You didn’t come here to be perfect. You already are. You came here to be gorgeously human. Flawed and fabulous. And then to rise again into remembering. But unconditional love? Stop telling that story. Love, in truth, doesn’t need ANY other adjectives. It doesn’t require modifiers. It doesn’t require the condition of perfection. It only asks that you show up. And do your best. That you stay present and feel fully. That you shine and fly and laugh and cry and hurt and heal and fall and get back up and play and work and live and die as YOU. It’s enough. It’s Plenty. ~Courtney A. Walsh”

I didn't realize the question was: How Can I Love Without Limits, Without Expectations, Without Fear?

But it is. It is the question. And the answers are oh, so goosebumpy.

Then today I opened my journal...an old journal I haven't used in years. Today I opened it to a page where I had written an ode to an ex while sitting on a Jamaican beach Thanksgiving 2010. We were in touch...again. We were trying to figure out how to be something, anything...again. Today I read my words and I read the above passages and I smiled thinking of how Fate must smile at the challenges we put forth, for I see my words now as a challenge...one that Fate met and The Universe is now explaining to me.

My journal entry says "I sat on the beach, writing our initials in the sand and watching the sea take them back into it's cold depths. I nestled into the sand where it's warm and comforting. I closed my eyes and opened my heart...letting our story pour out into the sea. The sea laughed with the rhythm of breaking waves. It already knew. It knew so much more than we ever will. It offered salt crusted comfort in not knowing. It promised nothing and everything and left me smiling at nothing and everything. There is no us. There was no us. There has always been just a laughing sea, nothing and everything all at once. There is you and there is me and there is the laughing sea."

Today there is acceptance. Today there is gratitude. Today there are smiles. Today there is me, loving anyone who asks to be loved...in whatever way they need the love I have to offer. Today there is no fear and that makes Fate smile upon me.

How Can I Love Without Limits, Without Expectations, Without Fear?

There is no "how".

The answer is yes.

Just yes.

Just Because...

Sometimes I sit here alone, feeling alone...feeling isolated and sad and sure that I'm the only person feeling this way while everyone I know is somewhere laughing...loving...living out loud. Sometimes. Not often. But lately. Yes, lately.

Then the switch is hit and the feelings pass. It never fails that when I tentatively step into the social circles again, I am blasted with reminders of how connected we all are. Our battles aren't so different. Our perceptions aren't so different. Our needs are so very much NOT different.

And today, this:

What if our religion was each other
If our practice was our life
If our prayer, our words
What if the temple was the Earth
If forests were our church
If holy water - the rivers, lakes and ocean
What if meditation was our relationships
If the teacher was Life
If the wisdom was self knowledge
If love was the centre of our being?

- Ganga White

AMEN!

Love letter to an old friend...

When I met you, we were so very young. Still in middle school, trying to be clever and sophisticated beyond our years...succeeding rarely, failing miserably the majority of the time. There were three of us and for the life of me I can't remember who met who first or where or why. We became inseparable. We would walk and explore, lay on our backs and stare at the sky, dream and play. There came a time when I would become shy and tongue-tied whenever you were around. It was awkward and what I know now is that you were my first love. You weren't my first hand holding or my first kiss or my first date, but you were certainly my first big lesson about how issues of the heart can complicate the purest, most lovely of friendships...how convoluted loving someone can be if you allow it to be so...how baggage we never asked for as a child can screw things up completely.

My family had just relocated to that small southern town where you were living. I had decided to reinvent myself for this particular move, the third in as many years. To me, this reinvention was a chance to stop caring. To be more cavalier and less "sensitive" which was a word the grown-ups paired with an eye roll every time my feelings were hurt and I cried. There would be no more tears for the new Tara. I even considered changing my name.

The new Tara had an entire summer to define this reinvention before 8th grade would begin. Somewhere in the meeting of my new friends, I was lucky enough to meet you. You were captivating. I remember thinking how beautiful you were. My eyes would trace the outline of your features...your thick lashes...the emerging angle of your jaw...your lips. Sometimes you would catch me. The old Tara would have blushed under her freckles. The new, less sensitive Tara would just slowly look away as if she hadn't been caught doing anything out of the ordinary. I could tell when this confused you and I could tell when this hurt your feelings, this cavalier attitude of mine. Those times, I would continue whatever it was I was doing and stifle a whole herd of feelings threatening to run amok. I was concerned about your feelings...ashamed of myself for confusing or hurting you...and even more ashamed for being proud that I could pull off cavalier. That shame made me scared that my reinvention was failing...and angry at you for being an in-my-face reminder of what it's like to be sensitive. I wanted so badly to not feel those things. The timing of my self reinvention was bad news for our friendship and worse news for those little shoots of feelings trying to find sunlight.

There were three of us...me and you and him. He never made me feel that little flutter in my belly the way looking at you did...but he also never evoked any of those other feelings above. He was bland...without your thick lashes or love of reading. He was from a stable home where he was treated well, no need to reinvent himself...no wicked step-monster like you or I. He was never accused of being sensitive and actually, he had cavalier down pat. I pretended he was my first love, showering him with all of the adoration I had built up in my enormous pre-teen heart for you. I watched it break your heart and I hated myself for it. You pushed me and challenged my feelings for him and at one point you even tried to make me choose between the two of you. You could see the answer in my eyes and withdrew the ultimatum. What you couldn't see was that although I certainly would have chosen him, it was only because it was the easy and safe choice that would keep me from having to discard my reinvention. My heart was full of you.

We were 12...then we were 13...then you left. You moved away and when you did, you taught me a lesson that almost 30 years later I am still in awe of. You found a way to deal with the hurt and when you moved away, you stayed in touch. You wrote letters to me that were full of stories both real and fiction, poems and drawings and lengthy detailed accounts of what a day in your life was like in your new surroundings. You taught me what grace looks like and what unconditional love feels like. You taught me by example that loving someone does not mean that they have to have a title or role or that you have to have ownership in some way. You taught me that I could be imperfect, wrong and even borderline cruel but that even then there was something worth redemption within me...that I was still worth loving.

He faded into nothingness and 30 years later it is you...your letters, tied up with string that have made another eight moves with me. When I sat down today determined to write a love letter, there was no doubt who it would be addressed to. I was the luckiest girl ever to be loved by you.

Birthday Love Letter

Today is your birthday. Most of the year I can avoid thinking about you with just a little effort. It's either gotten easier with time or I've gotten better with practice. July 5th is the toughest one for me. There have been five July 5ths since we stopped waking up together. Yes, I have been counting.

You were the last thought I had before drifting off to sleep last night. That explains how I woke up this morning...moving my head gingerly on the pillow to avoid waking the sleeping giant of a hangover but moving my bottom in a deliberate wiggle to ensure waking another giant. I was confused for a split second when my eyelids parted and the sunlight didn't feel like shards of glass entering my skull and when my wiggle didn't result in a kiss on the back of my shoulder and a whole other metaphor that I'm going to leave entirely up to the imagination and memory. There was a split second of grief that I wasn't waking up with you, to you...but that split second was followed by seconds, moments, hours of my grateful heart celebrating your existence all day long.

You were my best friend and my most passionate love, but we were a mess...you and I. We were struggles and confusion and conflict and tortured, twisted, torn loyalties. We were white-hot and that kind of heat is a gift that we were ill equipped to handle. But there is no room for those kind of thoughts on this day, I won't be celebrating US in my mind and heart. I will be celebrating YOU. I will be rejoicing that this day marks the beginning of the existence of a unique, energetic, intelligent, imaginative, curious human being with boundless energy and charisma. I will be playing club music and remembering what it felt like to move in sync with you on the dance floor. I will be making Thai Lettuce Wraps and remembering the joy you took from presenting new dishes. I will be hiking and taking you with me in my mind's eye...blazing the trail ahead of me and keeping my way free of danger. I will be celebrating your you-ness in a bazillion little ways, keeping that version of you alive.

I will imagine you blowing out your candles and wonder if there is a small wish in your heart that we had reined in our greed when we had the chance so that this complete isolation from one another hadn't become so necessary.

Love Letter #1

Today these words came to me: "Don't forget the people who got you here, it's easy to lose sight of gratitude in the melee."

Six months ago, I didn't know that my life was lacking the presence of one lovely. There were a LOT of things I didn't know six months ago, actually...and many of the things I've learned came from you, my newest lovely.

You are political, where my political stance is to use my voice to vote only...and make a political stance by not making any further political stance. I continue to vote with my feet and my choices and you continue to vote with your words and your voice and your time. You are the political yin to my yang. You change systems while I protect the individuals hoping those systems improve.

You understand gray areas and know that although boundaries keep things safe, the gray areas are where the real magic happens. You taught me that although there are parts of my life that dictate clear and precise boundaries, I should question them on a regular basis and sometimes even turn a blind eye if the situation calls for a long tall ladder against a ridiculous one. You laughed out loud at me when I learned that the sky doesn't fall and the earth keeps spinning when rules get bent or broken. Even then, you patiently let me chew my nails to the quick until I finally got it.

There were a series of moments when I doubted my ability to even cope. You planted me on your couch, handed me a pillow and a blanket, shared your precious ewok with me and played movies back to back until the edges of my new reality didn't seem so dark and menacing. You shone a light into a darkness that I was pretending didn't exist...and you did it with love and smiles. You pulled strings and pulled rank and let me think out loud without judgement. Is there any better definition of unconditional love?

You seem to have been placed in my life to open my eyes.

I hope you know this about yourself: You are lovely. You are fierce and feminine and full of rays of sunshine. Your energy is contagious and the way you love is inspiring. Your generosity of spirit is humbling and a great example of how to live out loud.

I'm so glad to have you as a lovely in my life.