To Do:

I've been writing lists
Keeping track
but never keeping score
of anything for anyone
at least not that I'll admit...
lists that limit and lists that organize
musts and hopes and needs and more.

I've got
Lists that remind
prioritize
habitualize
lists that tell stories
and lists that tell lies
about a life
with no distinguishable reason or rhyme.

I'm so tired of these lists.
Tired of maintaining
a farce of pretense, subterfuge and resiliency
all part of being this grown-up
who has got all the answers like
bright colored balloons
tied up in a ribbons of capability.

I wanna let go
and let the answers fly free
far away and not worry
about how those bits of
latex, truth and lies
affect the balance of nature
the endangered birds or the killer bees.


They affect MY balance
and sometimes
it has to be about
an individual
this individual, alone
and a screw-up for nature
can be a right-on for nurturing
a single soul.

~Tara Jane Watkins, flu induced poetry 10/21/10

I really didn't have a clear idea of what a control freak I can be until I've had to channel massive amounts of energy into simply be-ing and trusting and allowing things to unfold as they are meant to.

Massive.

Amounts.

Of.

Energy.

Just.

Being.

...which should be kind of like sitting in neutral with your foot off the clutch. Not in this girl's world. It's more like trying to hold a pitbull on a meth/steroid cocktail on a leash with a bloody brisket just out of reach. Shall I go on?

Growth is painful and the more valuable the lesson, the harder it is to breathe through the growing pains. I'm breathing...and appreciating. Allowing. Accepting.

And still not able to let go of the hoping.

Ok, and visualizing...but that's okay, RIGHT!!!???!!!

Freddy, move over...

As long as I can remember, I've had the same nightmare. It's simple and not really that scary...and as I've gotten older, it's seemed more silly than anything else.

I'm perpetually 4 years old in this nightmare. I'm sitting alone in a solitary chair pulled up to a small child-sized table that actually existed when I was 4. It was blue and black on top with shiny silver legs that folded so that it could be stored under momma's bed. Those folding legs were always waiting to pinch my little bitty fingers...and sometimes would get them, leaving blood blisters that healed just in time for the next pinch. I didn't care...I loved that table. It was my vehicle to imagination land. A sheet over it and one of mom's knee-high stockings tied around my head and I could be anyone, anywhere...an Indian in a teepee or a genie in the desert or sometimes even a princess in a castle. I would make clay sculptures on it or turn it on its side to block me from the enemy's sight.

In my nightmare, there is a single daisy in a vase on the tabletop and I'm sitting very properly with my hands folded. Then there is a noise...a humming kind of like a vacuum cleaner. The humming gets louder and the flower petals begin to shake. Then the flower flies out of its vase and I watch it get sucked into what I've always thought of as "the carpet machine" and I'm not sure why...is there even such a thing as a carpet machine? If there is, I'm sure I've never really seen one. Next in the dream, my chair begins to shake just like the petals on the daisy and I know that I'm going to be sucked into the carpet machine just like the daisy was. I know that when I do, it will be the end of me. Little 4 year old me grabs the table to hold on and the legs collapse, pinching my fingers and in reflex I let go. Then I'm floating and it's a really amazing feeling until I realize what is happening and what is going to happen to me. The dream ends with that mixture of butterflies in my belly from floating and dread mixed with fear creeping in. I wake up frozen, half smiling with tears slipping from underneath tightly closed eyelids. The feelings wane and I fall back to sleep...usually not remembering that I had the nightmare until later the next day.

The nightmare used to come with terrible regularity but as I've gotten older, it makes rare appearances that I'm aware of. I haven't had the nightmare in a good year.

Then today...today the carpet machine snuck into reality...sort of. Today I was reading a friend's blog and there was a short animated video about a bunch of birds on telephone wires. I watched the video and smack dab in the middle was firmly clutched by fear. The creator, Eran Hilleli, took the carpet machine straight out of my nightmare detail for detail and placed it in his animation...and 26 second into it, the poor bird is sucked into the carpet machine to an untimely end.



I'm a little sick to my stomach now. It's that same mixture of dread and fear in the pit of my belly...and I'm not sure if I love Eran for being the only other person I know with a carpet machine in his head or hating him for bringing it out in the open.

I'm filing this one under "weird" and at this point, I'm not just a little afraid to go to sleep tonight. I'm a lot afraid. All of the sudden it's not a silly dream, it's scary again.

Tempestuous Thursday...beauty in there somewhere...

♥despite fear of the unknown and worry that things might be worse than I imagined, the silver lining at the time was that I got to be a momma...a momma with hugs and cuddles and hand holding and all that jazz that is so rare lately.

♥fear and worry fading and Marley lyrics as the soundtrack as the day drew to a close "everything gonna be allright."

♥sitting here, grateful...for health and harmony and for Marley lyrics.

Wednesday's beauty~full things

♥A call and a cry that I was able to fix with a talk, a soda and an appearance...and how it fixed me that I was needed.

♥The last "Back to School Night" ever with my babygirl...this year is going to be full of last firsts and lasts and bittersweet memories...FULL I SAY!!!

♥Looking at cruise pictures and getting jazzed about the one that embarks less than 80 days from now, mon.

Tuesday's Three Beauty~full things

♥waking, slowly. naturally. no alarm clock. a whole day ahead of doing whatever comes to pass.

♥a tree, a text, a nap, a million errands, lunch AND dinner dates.

♥pjs, vampire porn on HBO and spicy popcorn.

Draft saved 9/27/09...wow

*I was clearing up loose ends and ran across this entry saved as a draft. I remember writing this, close on the heels of a trip to Reno that blew many of my perceptions out of the water. I'd love to write that this day was the beginning of a lovely period of my life but instead it's a reminder to not live life as a "draft" tucking the thoughts and goals into a folder to stumble across later. I'm actually at the same exact place today...and I wonder if it's not a place that comes and goes as changes occur and cycles in life change. In the almost year's time, my babyboy has gotten his permit to drive, has started Sophomore year and my babygirl is a Senior...and has grown past the lying about her lifestyle to admitting to the same things I did when I was her age...and we've had to find a level of honesty that both of us can respect each other for. There has certainly been growth. There have been times of letting go and times of fighting each and every change. There has been resentment and bitterness, tears and hurt feelings. But there has been more joy and laughter than ever before and there has been an authenticity to life that is breathtaking. It's been a year since the post below and in some ways I'm right there in the same head space...but even with that said, it's a different person standing in those shoes...a little more scarred and a little less scared...and smiling ear to ear about every step of the adventure.


This is the post from 9/27/09:

In just a few short months' time, there has been a LOT of change in my life. A love left. My baby girl went through two female rights of passage...THEN she got her driver's license. An old friend came in on a wave of promise and then left again, taking our dreams with him. My son started high school. My job morphed into something new and challenging. My ex and I began modifying mostly everything there is to possibly modify. The house was refinanced and is under remodel. We bought the convertible.

It's been difficult remember what needs attention, what demands it, what is better off without it and what simply requires patience.

There have been some days where I wonder whose life this is and even who on earth I am.

Those days have increased to where they are the norm rather than the exception.

Today it really struck me that all this change is amazing. I had been so busy trying to make sure all the changes were okay that I forgot that I'm not in control of a single solitary thing. Every one of the things I listed is a positive and lovely thing that adds to the spectacular adventure that is life. Each one is happening or has happened because it was simply time.

It was time for change. For lovely change. None of this has to be difficult or a struggle or require attention...perhaps some influence occasionally if need be, but I get to choose even that.

One of the scariest parts of this has been the new freedom. All of the sudden, as I know is common at this stage of the game, I barely see my babies. I went from being the sports chauffeur to being near obsolete overnight. The high school buses the kids to sporting events. My babygirl drives when they don't. Those weekends that before I spent with my love away from home when the kids were with their dad, I now have free. My job is four ten hour days which leaves random weekdays free and three weekends a month. That is a LOT of freedom. I've been balking. I've been fighting it. I've gone kicking and screaming or spending days in bed in protest. I'm done with that now.

Today the curtain lifted and I literally gasped when I realized what wonder-full potential lay directly in my path. This phase of my life is full of possibility. I have time, energy, space and love that I can pour into...well, into ANYTHING I choose! It's time to take a good hard look at this life. At who I am, where I am, who and where I want to be and to take steps in the direction I choose. It's time for definition and direction or purpose-full lack thereof. It's time to dust off those goals and dreams and spend time visualizing what they would really look like in real life. It's time...for time. And this is going to be amazing.