♥Celebrities in my little world are dressed up like rockstars, superheroes and mermaids.
♥Veggie drawer cleanout soup...yummy!
♥Hearing news I didn't realize I had been waiting for...only to have it followed up with news I didn't want to hear...then realizing that all is as it should be and no matter what news there is, I am right where I am supposed to be and am headed right where I am supposed to be heading. ~sigh~
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Tuesday's Three Beauty~full things
♥A sunshiney convertible friendly day full of pampering, pretty~ness, freedom and a belly full of sunshine.
♥Nonstop talking about nonstop subjects...my beautician ROCKS!
♥Sitting in a lawn chair, soaking up the sunshine, visiting with other parents and cheering while watching my boy make a great hit the one time they let him get up to bat. Last game, end of the season...way to go out!
♥Nonstop talking about nonstop subjects...my beautician ROCKS!
♥Sitting in a lawn chair, soaking up the sunshine, visiting with other parents and cheering while watching my boy make a great hit the one time they let him get up to bat. Last game, end of the season...way to go out!
Monday, May 10, 2010
Three moments of awareness...
Yesterday I spent a little time cleaning out my Momma's garage. As I drove down her street I came to a stop and just watched a spectacle occurring a few houses away. My trip over brought me to that moment in that place just perfectly timed to see a blackbird dive bombing a squirrel over and over again. The squirrel was hopping and chattering, tail fluffed and standing straight up, pausing every so often to hazard a glance at the menace above. The bird was squawking and pecking relentlessly, tufts of hair floating away from the squirrel with each dive. I was cracking up, sitting there in the road...so happy to have arrived just in time for nature's show. Simple. Lovely.
Today I made an unscheduled drive to an area of town I don't usually frequent. It is a very windy day today with sprinkles and I was surprised at how many people are out on foot. I became sad at the realization that I live in a world where helping is dangerous and I can't feel safe offering a ride to someone who obviously needs it. Then I saw him. It was a glance only, a fraction of a moment. He was walking, hood on and head bent against the wind. He was thin and had his arms wrapped around his body. I was approaching a light and had started to slow down. He was facing me. Almost as if he somehow sensed I was looking at him, he lifted his head and met my eyes with his directly...but not. His eyes were on me but you could tell he was seeing something else, something no one else could see, something his mind had placed between him and me. He moved his lips, speaking to the thing that wasn't there and after the briefest of time allowed for a response, he opened his mouth widely and smiled a huge toothless grin, laughing from his belly with a smile that went all the way to his eyes. He was happy. He had a funny friend traveling with him...no matter that I couldn't see it. He didn't need his teeth or a ride from me. He was just fine. We might want to disagree. We might think that it takes success in our careers, having a nice home, having stable mental health and a ride on a windy, rainy day...but who's to say that those things bring us even a fraction of the joy reflected on this man's face?
This weekend, by mistake, I found the vodka bottles...crushed and flattened, so many of them inside of a dog food bag. There was a flash of anger so strong that I'm sure it burned a trail right to my heart...because it broke...shattered right into a million pieces. There had been a promise and here was the evidence that the promise had expired if it had truly ever been honored. There is a serious health risk and here was the truth of how powerful the demons can be. There is a history that somehow I convinced myself could be healed by abstinence now...almost like penance. Fact is, I don't believe in penance but I did believe in her. Now I wonder, where does this leave us? How do you balance caring so greatly for someone with knowing that they deserve unconditional acceptance as they are rather than how we'd have them? What do you do when you know that the help that was offered wasn't really wanted? How do you continue to honor someone when you disagree passionately with their choices? I'm here, in this moment, knowing there is a limit to what I can do to help and knowing that although her choices today have the potential to affect my future, I can't require another person do do what I think is "right." Sometimes awareness sucks ass. Sometimes talking to the little girl Tara who feels each new perceived slight with the same crushing pain of a thousand slights before is the hardest thing to find the words for. Today the words aren't coming...today I'm transported to the past where we've just left the liquor store after loading the trunk full and I hear an apology that the fondest desire of my heart won't be possible because there simply wasn't enough money for it. Today I am crying for that little girl...sitting with her and reminding her that she's safe and it's going to be okay. It really is, right?
Today I made an unscheduled drive to an area of town I don't usually frequent. It is a very windy day today with sprinkles and I was surprised at how many people are out on foot. I became sad at the realization that I live in a world where helping is dangerous and I can't feel safe offering a ride to someone who obviously needs it. Then I saw him. It was a glance only, a fraction of a moment. He was walking, hood on and head bent against the wind. He was thin and had his arms wrapped around his body. I was approaching a light and had started to slow down. He was facing me. Almost as if he somehow sensed I was looking at him, he lifted his head and met my eyes with his directly...but not. His eyes were on me but you could tell he was seeing something else, something no one else could see, something his mind had placed between him and me. He moved his lips, speaking to the thing that wasn't there and after the briefest of time allowed for a response, he opened his mouth widely and smiled a huge toothless grin, laughing from his belly with a smile that went all the way to his eyes. He was happy. He had a funny friend traveling with him...no matter that I couldn't see it. He didn't need his teeth or a ride from me. He was just fine. We might want to disagree. We might think that it takes success in our careers, having a nice home, having stable mental health and a ride on a windy, rainy day...but who's to say that those things bring us even a fraction of the joy reflected on this man's face?
This weekend, by mistake, I found the vodka bottles...crushed and flattened, so many of them inside of a dog food bag. There was a flash of anger so strong that I'm sure it burned a trail right to my heart...because it broke...shattered right into a million pieces. There had been a promise and here was the evidence that the promise had expired if it had truly ever been honored. There is a serious health risk and here was the truth of how powerful the demons can be. There is a history that somehow I convinced myself could be healed by abstinence now...almost like penance. Fact is, I don't believe in penance but I did believe in her. Now I wonder, where does this leave us? How do you balance caring so greatly for someone with knowing that they deserve unconditional acceptance as they are rather than how we'd have them? What do you do when you know that the help that was offered wasn't really wanted? How do you continue to honor someone when you disagree passionately with their choices? I'm here, in this moment, knowing there is a limit to what I can do to help and knowing that although her choices today have the potential to affect my future, I can't require another person do do what I think is "right." Sometimes awareness sucks ass. Sometimes talking to the little girl Tara who feels each new perceived slight with the same crushing pain of a thousand slights before is the hardest thing to find the words for. Today the words aren't coming...today I'm transported to the past where we've just left the liquor store after loading the trunk full and I hear an apology that the fondest desire of my heart won't be possible because there simply wasn't enough money for it. Today I am crying for that little girl...sitting with her and reminding her that she's safe and it's going to be okay. It really is, right?
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Over and over again, Amen.
It's May. That freaks me out a little bit. Already? But wait, what exactly does that mean???
When the year changed, 2010 promised to be so much. I made a pretty big declaration about leaving the negativity and overwhelming~ness of 2009 behind; of defining 2010 with Moxie and Carpe Diem. Then I found my self mired in self-doubt and fear...searching for a lifeline that seemed to be just out of my grasp or understanding. I spent a lot of time gritting my teeth and taking baby steps trusting only my intuition that kept whispering "baby steps, just keep going." I did the only thing I could do...I listened and did the best I could.
Silly me. How else do you embody Moxie and Carpe Diem other than having faith, continuing to imagine, dream, question, test the limits of your comfort zone and keep moving forward? That is actually THE RECIPE for Moxie and Carpe Diem!
I made a decision that time markers mean a lot to me, but not the traditional ones. I've been making my birthday lists for years now, the number of years I've lived matched by the number of things I'd like to do, become, see, have, accomplish, experience in the upcoming year; it's been my alternate to New Year's resolutions. Technically, this makes my New Year begin on the day I was born...which is exactly when my very first year ever started. It only makes sense then that my month begin on my birth day, the 16th.
Last month on the 16th I themed the upcoming 30 days. It's funny how claiming something, making it yours, making it personal and connecting to it can induce clarity and fortify you mentally for success. I had written a list during the dark days of self-doubt and fear of the areas in my life that didn't feel like they were working well. On April 16th I pulled out that list and decided that out of the things I had identified, health was the big one. Over the course of the past several years I had put on quite a bit of weight, developed back problems and was not sleeping well the majority of the time, which all tie together and make the other worse. I was not moving as much as I had because I was tired and sometimes it downright hurt to move. Yoga was out of the question after a past amazing love affair with downward facing dog. Exercise hurt and I was tired all the time. My clothes didn't fit which made me want to come home, get into pajamas and park my rear on the couch. I had tried diets, lifestyle changes and pills. I tried Tai Chi, a chiropractor and a couple of doctors. I met with a nutritionist, had accupuncture, massage and physical therapy. I believe that our health is in our own hands but my hands were grasping thin air and I was feeling hopeless. In the past I had made a decision, basically wrote it in blood and had the mind set that I would stick to it NO MATTER WHAT. That would last about 3 days...a week if it was a good week. Then the self-recrimination would set in and Ben & Jerry were always ready to lend the comfort of Cherry Garcia. I did it differently this time. What I've been trying for years didn't work...but the years had still gone by and here I sat, hurting and tired, in my pajamas. On April 16th I decided to look at my lifestyle and my habits and decide what was working against me so that by May 16th I would have an idea of a direction to go. I committed to looking, not doing. I read some books, quickly discarding the ones that didn't resonate with me and writing notes in margins of the ones that did. I talked to people who seemed to have what I was looking for. I bought some different groceries and tried new recipes. I opened my mind and trusted that the truth of how to live my life healthier would trickle in. By two days in I knew that I needed to move more. I'm very active in my yard and in my home in the course of maintaining or creating or repairing and occasionally go on walks or hikes. I don't shy away from activity but I don't make it a part of my daily routine. I decided to do just a little every day. I do my physical therapy recommended exercises every morning and even if it's only 15 minutes, I get on my elliptical machine in the evenings. I walk on the days I can get away during the workday for a lunch or a break. I look forward to these things and they are making my nights more comfortable therefore more sleep~full. The new foods and recipes have evolved into eating mostly plant based foods which even the kids love. With almost no effort, I have moved past looking into doing and can now say that my health is an area of my life that is working for me very well and only holds the promise of continuing to get better and better. I love this. I love that all I had to do was look and the answers were just waiting to be found. I love that I could claim a date and make it mine and somehow it worked for me in an almost magical way that only has to make sense to me.
May 16th is fast approaching and instead of putting into action the things I had spent a month thinking about, I can now choose another area of my life to look at and let the answers fall into place as they will...or won't. Life is such an adventure...a daily adventure where we're given the power to rewrite endings or choose new beginnings any time we wish.
And Three Beauty~full Things:
♥The kill-deer mating dance that happens right in the middle of my street and the traffic that's been stopping or going around it.
♥Valentine's Day daffodil bulbs that we planted together thinking we'd enjoy them next season but are in full glorious bloom right now.
♥A day trip with a luminous lovely to a magical city with the top down, one brown shoulder, a belly full of sunshine, great deals and shoplifting by mistake followed by a concert that stole a piece of my heart and soul that I never ever want back!
Okay, a fourth because it has be be shared...
♥Aiden's new haircut...it's the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen and has me laughing constantly! He actually looks like something out of a horror movie...poor thing!
Before and after:
When the year changed, 2010 promised to be so much. I made a pretty big declaration about leaving the negativity and overwhelming~ness of 2009 behind; of defining 2010 with Moxie and Carpe Diem. Then I found my self mired in self-doubt and fear...searching for a lifeline that seemed to be just out of my grasp or understanding. I spent a lot of time gritting my teeth and taking baby steps trusting only my intuition that kept whispering "baby steps, just keep going." I did the only thing I could do...I listened and did the best I could.
Silly me. How else do you embody Moxie and Carpe Diem other than having faith, continuing to imagine, dream, question, test the limits of your comfort zone and keep moving forward? That is actually THE RECIPE for Moxie and Carpe Diem!
I made a decision that time markers mean a lot to me, but not the traditional ones. I've been making my birthday lists for years now, the number of years I've lived matched by the number of things I'd like to do, become, see, have, accomplish, experience in the upcoming year; it's been my alternate to New Year's resolutions. Technically, this makes my New Year begin on the day I was born...which is exactly when my very first year ever started. It only makes sense then that my month begin on my birth day, the 16th.
Last month on the 16th I themed the upcoming 30 days. It's funny how claiming something, making it yours, making it personal and connecting to it can induce clarity and fortify you mentally for success. I had written a list during the dark days of self-doubt and fear of the areas in my life that didn't feel like they were working well. On April 16th I pulled out that list and decided that out of the things I had identified, health was the big one. Over the course of the past several years I had put on quite a bit of weight, developed back problems and was not sleeping well the majority of the time, which all tie together and make the other worse. I was not moving as much as I had because I was tired and sometimes it downright hurt to move. Yoga was out of the question after a past amazing love affair with downward facing dog. Exercise hurt and I was tired all the time. My clothes didn't fit which made me want to come home, get into pajamas and park my rear on the couch. I had tried diets, lifestyle changes and pills. I tried Tai Chi, a chiropractor and a couple of doctors. I met with a nutritionist, had accupuncture, massage and physical therapy. I believe that our health is in our own hands but my hands were grasping thin air and I was feeling hopeless. In the past I had made a decision, basically wrote it in blood and had the mind set that I would stick to it NO MATTER WHAT. That would last about 3 days...a week if it was a good week. Then the self-recrimination would set in and Ben & Jerry were always ready to lend the comfort of Cherry Garcia. I did it differently this time. What I've been trying for years didn't work...but the years had still gone by and here I sat, hurting and tired, in my pajamas. On April 16th I decided to look at my lifestyle and my habits and decide what was working against me so that by May 16th I would have an idea of a direction to go. I committed to looking, not doing. I read some books, quickly discarding the ones that didn't resonate with me and writing notes in margins of the ones that did. I talked to people who seemed to have what I was looking for. I bought some different groceries and tried new recipes. I opened my mind and trusted that the truth of how to live my life healthier would trickle in. By two days in I knew that I needed to move more. I'm very active in my yard and in my home in the course of maintaining or creating or repairing and occasionally go on walks or hikes. I don't shy away from activity but I don't make it a part of my daily routine. I decided to do just a little every day. I do my physical therapy recommended exercises every morning and even if it's only 15 minutes, I get on my elliptical machine in the evenings. I walk on the days I can get away during the workday for a lunch or a break. I look forward to these things and they are making my nights more comfortable therefore more sleep~full. The new foods and recipes have evolved into eating mostly plant based foods which even the kids love. With almost no effort, I have moved past looking into doing and can now say that my health is an area of my life that is working for me very well and only holds the promise of continuing to get better and better. I love this. I love that all I had to do was look and the answers were just waiting to be found. I love that I could claim a date and make it mine and somehow it worked for me in an almost magical way that only has to make sense to me.
May 16th is fast approaching and instead of putting into action the things I had spent a month thinking about, I can now choose another area of my life to look at and let the answers fall into place as they will...or won't. Life is such an adventure...a daily adventure where we're given the power to rewrite endings or choose new beginnings any time we wish.
And Three Beauty~full Things:
♥The kill-deer mating dance that happens right in the middle of my street and the traffic that's been stopping or going around it.
♥Valentine's Day daffodil bulbs that we planted together thinking we'd enjoy them next season but are in full glorious bloom right now.
♥A day trip with a luminous lovely to a magical city with the top down, one brown shoulder, a belly full of sunshine, great deals and shoplifting by mistake followed by a concert that stole a piece of my heart and soul that I never ever want back!
Okay, a fourth because it has be be shared...
♥Aiden's new haircut...it's the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen and has me laughing constantly! He actually looks like something out of a horror movie...poor thing!
Before and after:
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Shh...Mmm!
It's a rather nice feeling...having nothing much to say.
I've been soaking up all the lovely-ness...days of rain and chilly-ness where I get to pull the fuzzy boots back out and wrap a soft scarf around my neck. Then a stretch of long days full of sunshine where I get to dress in layers and lose them one by one until the work day is over, the top is down on the car and my shoulders are bare to be kissed by the setting sun on the drive home.
I've been gardening. I've been dreaming. I feel calm and grounded here in this little world of mine but I'm fantasizing about traveling. I've been reading and cooking. We had a hooky day and I'm learning some neat little details and secrets about these almost grown children of mine. The weather has mirrored my needs...days of glow followed by much needed days to hibernate and sit with all the new growth, sensation and change that the glowing brings with it.
Out of nowhere, sifting is a word that comes to mind right now...I've been sifting my life and leaving the small bits to look back at later if I feel the need...taking the big bits and cherishing them completely. Simplifying and being more present with less distraction. It's delicious.
Three beautiful things:
♥Aiden the guardian of Caribou Campers Weekend
♥Prom and Personality
♥Cozy
I've been soaking up all the lovely-ness...days of rain and chilly-ness where I get to pull the fuzzy boots back out and wrap a soft scarf around my neck. Then a stretch of long days full of sunshine where I get to dress in layers and lose them one by one until the work day is over, the top is down on the car and my shoulders are bare to be kissed by the setting sun on the drive home.
I've been gardening. I've been dreaming. I feel calm and grounded here in this little world of mine but I'm fantasizing about traveling. I've been reading and cooking. We had a hooky day and I'm learning some neat little details and secrets about these almost grown children of mine. The weather has mirrored my needs...days of glow followed by much needed days to hibernate and sit with all the new growth, sensation and change that the glowing brings with it.
Out of nowhere, sifting is a word that comes to mind right now...I've been sifting my life and leaving the small bits to look back at later if I feel the need...taking the big bits and cherishing them completely. Simplifying and being more present with less distraction. It's delicious.
Three beautiful things:
♥Aiden the guardian of Caribou Campers Weekend
♥Prom and Personality
♥Cozy
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Green, green and more green!
♥A freshly dug and fenced garden complete with chicken coop and compost bin. Go, me!
♥Thinking I owed Uncle Sam $782, finding out I only owe $692 then finding out I get $658 back from this lovely state and only paying $7.95 for these answers! ~whew~
♥Knowing in my heart that it's okay to speak my truth and simply let it go...knowing also that there might be repercussions and being okay with that too. Also getting to out-Sicilian a family member in the process. Ha!
♥Thinking I owed Uncle Sam $782, finding out I only owe $692 then finding out I get $658 back from this lovely state and only paying $7.95 for these answers! ~whew~
♥Knowing in my heart that it's okay to speak my truth and simply let it go...knowing also that there might be repercussions and being okay with that too. Also getting to out-Sicilian a family member in the process. Ha!
Saturday, April 10, 2010
~big sigh~
"Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." ~Howard Thurman
I took a break from here because I got scared. I started to feel alive inside and is that ever a scary place to be. Even scarier when it's accompanied by the knowledge of what barriers and obstacles are keeping the alive feeling inside...and the work it will take...the risks, the sacrifice, the changes and the especially the faith it will require to let the feeling turn into the "go do it" that is just dying to go and get done.
Then one day the scales tip and the fear has nowhere left to hold on...when passion and hunger and confidence become to big for the fear to have one single fingerhold anymore.
Hello Passion, Hunger & Confidence. I'm so very relieved to see you. Watch out, world...here we come.
I took a break from here because I got scared. I started to feel alive inside and is that ever a scary place to be. Even scarier when it's accompanied by the knowledge of what barriers and obstacles are keeping the alive feeling inside...and the work it will take...the risks, the sacrifice, the changes and the especially the faith it will require to let the feeling turn into the "go do it" that is just dying to go and get done.
Then one day the scales tip and the fear has nowhere left to hold on...when passion and hunger and confidence become to big for the fear to have one single fingerhold anymore.
Hello Passion, Hunger & Confidence. I'm so very relieved to see you. Watch out, world...here we come.
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