At Last...

That's my Glo Bug. For her and I, it was love at first sight. It took a while for it to make sense but then we realized that being red headed Geminis...how could we NOT love each other? She was a few years my senior and time after time I tried to shove her into the maternal role. She wouldn't have anything to do with it. She had her own idea of who she wanted to be in my life. She was my hip, stylish, sassy slang guru. She was an inspiration and a loving kick in the ass just when I needed it most and wanted it least. She was a British babe with an adventurous life and a love story to envy. She was my friend.

About six months ago, we had an intense discussion about end of life issues and decisions. It didn't strike me as odd since we worked together and dealt with these things on a regular basis. She shared with me her personal preferences, and I disagreed voraciously. She defended her stance and we agreed to disagree. Her great love story had ended with the death of her husband and she was ready to be with him again. Although she would never purposefully end her life, she was anxious to join him. We had the typical discussions about spiritual beliefs and the big ole "what ifs." She was adamant and had total faith in what she knew the afterlife held for her. She smiled whimsically when she described it in terms of a movie we both loved: The Ghost and Mrs. Muir. The main character falls in love with an old sea Captain's ghost who lives in the house she buys. She lives her whole life loving him but living her life fully. It was the final scene that Glo was talking about...where Mrs. Muir is aged and sitting in a chair beside the fire. She has a book or a cup of tea in her wrinkled hand. You see her lower it and the object slip to the floor and you know her life has come to its end. Then you see her hand raise up, a much younger version of that hand...and it meets another. You see the distinguished Captain standing there with her hand resting on his and then you see her youthful face full of love. There are smiles and they turn and walk away together. There is a difference in Glo's story. Her love takes her in his arms and they dance. She even knew the song he'd sing to her.

At Last (by Etta James)

At last, my love has come along
My lonely days are over
And life is like a song
Oh, yeah, at last
The skies above are blue
My heart was wrapped up in clovers
The night I looked at you
I found a dream that I could speak to
A dream that I can call my own
I found a thrill to rest my cheek to
A thrill that I have never known
Oh, yeah when you smile, you smile
Oh, and then the spell was cast
And here we are in heaven
For you are mine
At last

I'm missing her already, my Glo Bug. I'm listening to her song and there are tears...but don't get me wrong. I'm crying for ME not for her. I know she is exactly where she wants to be...At Last.

Rejoice, strain, repeat.

♥An announcement over tea...an upcoming May Day celebration of a love that was a long time coming.

♥Said tea...


♥Two consecutive nights of hilarious shit sprinkled with reality, love, lessons, readings, history, beauty, dreams and an occasional restless spirit.

Waiting, hanging out & history.

♥An estimate, an offer, a counter-offer, a request and an obligation...and being able to wait before deciding to move on any of them...giving myself the gift of time. Nothing HAS to be decided in THIS EXACT MOMENT if it doesn't feel like this is the moment to decide it.

♥Network issues making text messages impossible...meaning actual focus and attention and family time tonight with these two teenaged texting fanatics. Yay for solar flares or seismic action or psychic interference or whatever phenomenon blessed us tonight.

♥Coke. Ice cold. In a can. It still tastes like 1988.

Signing, sighing and sighing some more...

♥Signing my name eleventy bazillion times...I have a FABULOUS signature...now let's hope all those signatures get me this FABULOUS farmhouse I made an offer on today.

♥Movies set in Scotland. Actors? Lines? Plot? Pshaw...I'm just looking at the setting!

♥Peppermint ice cream with Magic Shell. Mmmm.

Past, Present, Perfect!

I guess I forgot to hit publish last night...whoops.

Yesterday's three beauty-full things:

♥Songs that make me think of my dad...remind me who I am, where I came from and that he's still such a big part of me.

♥A break in the middle of the workday...Indian food on a park bench, sun on my face, protection from the crisp winter air by my guardians: fuzzy boots, a homemade scarf and text messages full of love. :)

♥Me, Momma, Babygirl and Bub sitting at a table at the casino buffet celebrating my baby's 15th birthday, laughing til we cried over inside jokes and things I'm SURE no one else would think is funny. We ROCK!

Quoi, qui, oui!

♥A day full of the good kind of busy...where you know you are right where you're supposed to be doing exactly what you were put there to do...even if the four best words to describe the day are: death, feces & yelling Ukrainians.

♥Involuntary fluttering of the eyelashes and downward shy glances bringing to my attention that HELLO all of the sudden this guy has become attractive to me. Ut oh.

♥The movie Julie/Julia...watching it over a Costco appetizer sampler platter and giggles. Oh la la!

Starting slowly...

This week turned out to be as much about getting as it was giving. I had given myself permission to take it slow, to do even small acts of kindness as a part of the spirt of giving this holiday season. Some days it was hard to even do the small things. I would come home from a ten hour work day that drained my soul only to face cooking a meal, keeping my teenagers on track and cleaning up our home...falling onto the couch exhausted before it was even eight o'clock. My one day off? Spent in bed for the most part...recovering. It simply begged the question, is this how I want to live my life? Am I really LIVING MY LIFE...or have the "musts" taken over? Again.

Practicing patience with myself, I worked these two goals of mine into one big project this past week. I did something every day to bring spots of holiday love into other people's hearts but I also made sure each day that I took a step toward bringing my life closer to the level of lovely I desire. It was a symbiotic thing...the more grounded, settled, happy, fulfilled and purposeful I felt, the easier it was to give to others. The more I gave to others, the easier it was to make lists, make plans, have targeted conversations with people who could and would help me get back on track. By Friday there was a tickle at the edges of my life that felt suspiciously like hope.

My giving this week was simple. This week I was a kind driver. I slowed or stopped to let people merge into "first of the month traffic" here in the county seat. I gave up great parking spots by waving others into them ahead of me or by passing up the empty really great ones. I smiled at other drivers and waved if they smiled back. They were small things and small connections, but they felt real and they didn't feel so small. It was what I could do given where I was mentally and emotionally. Each connection seemed to feed some starving part of me...giving me courage to take the steps I need to in order to become a more energetic person capable of giving even more.

This past week was rough and taught me to be patient and kind to myself...to remember who I am instead of who my paycheck dictates that I be. I'm still part of the equation! I realized that there can be compromise, and once I put it out there, the compromise began and the rough edges of my days began to soften. I look forward to this next week of small ways to make a difference this holiday season and I wonder what the next great eye opener will be...if the difference is in the giving or the getting...and if it really matters as long as the interconnectedness of each of our experiences continues to be honored in the process.